|Childless menPage 1 of 6 (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)|
|As a man well into his mid-life crisis,I notice that lately as a man who never had children, I am jealous of friend's and neighbor's families. I always wanted a daughter especially,and feel like a failure as a man that I didn't have kids earlier in life when a few opportunities presented themselves. This feeling was further enhanced when I recently found out from my ex-girlfriend of 1 1/2 years, that she secretly aborted our unborn child while we were dating.I would like to know from men and women,their oppinions on this subject.|
Posted: 7/26/2008 4:51:41 AM
|personally i never understood this view. where is the failure??|
there's a big difference between wanting children, and considering yourself a failure if you never had any.
i have to also ask if it's a question of wanting to produce your own, or whether you think adoption is an acceptable alternative.
Posted: 7/26/2008 5:21:39 AM
|Not having children doesn't make you a failure in life. I never understood this view either. Could it be your "mid-life crisis" talking here?|
You don't say why it is you never had children. Did you just not want them earlier on in your life or is it a question of hindsight? You mention that a few opportunities presented themselves.
Posted: 7/26/2008 5:46:52 AM
|Well...I know how you feel.|
I always wanted children.To see part of me...real part of me!
My dream came true late in my life...
And I think...if you want your child...to have...to raise(even not your own but adopted)you still have time.
Posted: 7/26/2008 6:30:35 AM
|Well,I think in my twenties I may have missed my main opportunity by not getting married to the woman I was dating . It seemed as though we wanted different things after being together for six months and her parents had mapped out my entire life for me,which at the time scared the heck out of me. I used protection with the other women I dated over the years, as not to have a child out of wedlock, but with the pregnant ex-girlfriend,I really wanted to spend the rest of my life with her.I think she got scared because of her age, and having three grown children already,and aborted our child.|
Posted: 7/26/2008 6:51:53 AM
|If we could only turn back the hands of time, its likely most of us would make different choices. The point being you can't change the past and dwelling on it is a waste of your energy, so focus on today. Keep life simple or you'll get bogged down in the past.|
Posted: 7/26/2008 6:59:13 AM
|I know quite a few men who were never married nor had children. Then late in life, they met their love, married her, and when her grandchildren started to arrive, he became "Grandpa" One man in particular is loving the experience, he now has 3 grandsons, and attends all their sports. He has so much love and wisdom to give these young boys and they have taught him that loving a child isn't just about whether they are yours biologically or not. Maybe you should look forward to all the possibilities in front of your life, instead of behind. You can't change the past. Wishing you all the best!!|
Posted: 7/26/2008 7:04:42 AM
|OP In my mind you didn't miss an opportunity in your 20's with that particular woman. You wanted different things you said and her parents were apparently trying to control your relationship at least in part. So, not s'much a missed opportunity. |
As for the pregnant ex girlfriend, well, I can see where it scared her but I won't comment further on her choice and leave it at that. The only thing I will say is, it wasn't meant to be.
So live your life in the here and now because what is past is past, there's nothing you can do about it now. Dwelling on it will not be constructive.
I had only one child, never wanted any more than that really.
I'm assuming that *niick* meant to type "6 billion"............
Posted: 7/26/2008 7:28:34 AM
|I'm not jealous of those with kids. I knew from junior high that I didn't want to have kids. I consider myself "childfree". I think your midlife crisis isn't just about not having kids. There's more to it than that.|
Posted: 7/26/2008 8:21:07 AM
|I was talking to my friend the other night saying how lucky she is to have had her children when she did .. her reply "oh really" she walked upstairs and knocked on her daughter's door "Mom, get out, leave me alone" then went to visit her son's room SLAM!!! ... she said "yeah, I'm real lucky!!"|
Posted: 7/26/2008 9:56:01 AM
|Hey, bub, stop with the "midlife crisis." That's a term that was devised (probably by a mangina) to humiliate men who finally saw through the bullshit and decided to live life on their own terms: our OWN happiness, not someone else's. That term is used merely to get men to "fall in line." So, I'd drop it if you really wish to cut through the smoke, fog and mirrors.|
Next, men without children...brilliant! [mocking Guiness ads]
Take a good, hard look at how our governments use children as leverage to get at your wallet and conduct illegal searches and seize property illegally. Now, weigh your fragile ego/envy against what you could lose...it's definitely a zero-sum game according to our Divorce Industry. You lose, "the industry" wins; your ex is merely the benefactor to the industry's mafioso ways.
Posted: 7/26/2008 11:00:47 AM
|You should really consider yourself lucky.|
Like you I wished I had made that decision when I was in my twenties but shyte happens.
I never married until 40'ish and my mind set was similar that I wanted a child.
I come from a large family and all of my siblings had kids who were having kids of their own.
We had a son and poof the relationship ended, now I have a son who I don't see and pay through the nose for that priveledge. Lucky me.
If you want a child be prepared for the pitfalls.
Seek out a woman who will co parent with you and make an agreement so that you will have joint custody and equal rights to how that child will be raised.
Whatever you do do not get married to do this becasue you will be at the mercy of a very biased family law system that will reduce you to a walking wallet and end up like many men I have encountered in my recent years.
This may sound callous but unless you are prepared to pay for an expensive ride on the lawyer train this is the new reality for men.
Posted: 7/26/2008 12:44:55 PM
|I never had any children. I spent thirty years teaching young children, but never had any of my own. I find that some women see that as a fault. |
I don't see not having children so much as a failure, but it does point to failures in other areas...relationships that were never successful enough to bring children into. I guess maybe that's the red flag many women see...if he's never been a relationship that's been long enough, (although I was married for 15 years) or good enough to have kids, then there's something wrong with him, and I don't want him!
Posted: 7/26/2008 12:47:20 PM
|Thank's people,for making me see this in another way.I guess that in this hard time we live,bringing a kid into this world isn't a really good idea anyway.Smitten,to answer your question,the ex-girlfriend,let's call her Mary because that's her name anyway,only said that she did what she did because it was meant to be that way.Phylisophical stuff, ha? She's now living with a man who hits her almost daily and asks me for advice.Go figure that one out?|
Posted: 7/26/2008 2:00:13 PM
|It is unfortunate that you feel or are experiencing a mid life crisis. Age is relative. Someone who is 75 or 80 will laugh at you that you are feeling "old" at a mere 44.|
As far as being childless..... I never had any children. I love kids but do not have any regrets that I never had any myself nor do I feel like it is/was a failure on my part. Again.... it is a personal thing....... if it really bugs you, you can always sign up or look into volunteering as a big brother.......
Posted: 7/26/2008 3:10:41 PM
|mmmm well, kids can be great. |
or they bring home biker boy friends named Bear who have done time in Rahway, wreck your car, rob a liquor store, get pregnant at fifteen, burn down the garage, run away to God knows where, come home with a full body tattoo, etc.
be sure you are thinking about the family you might really have not the family you would like to have.
Posted: 7/26/2008 5:29:10 PM
|I never really wanted children , and I don't regret not having them. I experienced them second hand (through a niece and more than a few nephews), and that was a great experience that gave me at least a taste of what having kids must be like. I enjoyed those experiences, but also never had them change my mind in the matter. |
In my case, it probably had to do with two very important factors. The first was that I came from a rather dysfunctional family where my parents got their divorce when I was quite young. I remember sometimes visiting my Dad, and then he'd bring me back home....and wait at the bottom of the three flights of stairs while I walked up them.
It's a strange feeling, at age eight or so, to realize the two people that created you couldn't even stand face to face. I think I decided right then that I'd never put any OTHER kid through that type of experience.
The other reason was not really meeting any women I considered good mother material. With my ex-wife, I was the one who spent most of the time raising and taking care of our dog...after she'd outgrown that cute puppy stage.
That kind of sealed it, in regards to children, which were not really anything we both wanted either. Had I changed my mind, that experience would have certainly put a wooden stake through any rethinking of the concept.
No regrets, whatsoever.
Posted: 7/26/2008 5:43:50 PM
|I had step-kids coming out my ears. So I don't feel like I missed out there. What I regret is not having any grandchildren. I think I was born to be a grandpa and now that the time is come, no luck.|
Posted: 7/26/2008 8:18:44 PM
|I never had any children and never wanted any. They are cute to have around for short periods of time, but my patience wears thin after awhile and I need to seek refuge elsewhere. A father can not and should not allow himself that luxury.|
Posted: 7/26/2008 8:51:34 PM
Yeah, just coming out of my midlife and would really liked to have had a couple of children. Hope I would have been a decent father for them. But it's all moot now. Life is really becoming enjoyable now.
Posted: 7/27/2008 3:31:08 AM
|yeah, well that's why we have 62 yr old men saying they're open to making babies .... because they were too self obsessed in they're 30s to be bothered with the responsibility. You snooze, you lose....deal with it.|
Posted: 7/27/2008 4:00:56 AM
|This struck a nerve with me, I have watched the interactions of teenagers for the last few years. I see the need for good MALE role models. It is perhaps the saddest thing to watch and feel so helpless. |
There are so many good kids out there who have never had a decent man around them. One child lived with me for a bit, his mom drinks, does drugs and basically told him to get lost she was having a man over that night and the man wouldnt sleep with her if one of her kids was there. He lived in my home for about a year and has now found a job and gotten engaged to get married. He has moved out and living with his girlfriend. All he needed was a chance.
Another childs father died from having sex change operation and the mom lost custody due to drinking. She is now at 18 out of rehab but expelled from high school for drug use, her older brother kicked her out as soon as social security quit paying (when she turned 18). I tried to help her but she was such a bad influence on the other kids that I just couldnt allow her to stay in my home.
My own kids father lives in the same town and saw them once in 2007. He would call and make plans to see my daughter and meet her boyfriend but then stand them up. He saw them at xmas when I asked them to go see him and they went to him(dont ask why I just thought it was xmas). He has missed out on one of the most beautiful experiences in the world, watching young people obtain their own identies. Seeing them question themselves and making decisions that make them proud of themselves ...he had kids but in my eyes he is the failure, not a man who didnt have them.
There are so many children in the world just wanting a father figure in their live.
Why not volunteer to be a big brother to some kids? So many things you can do to involve a child in your life and most people (especially single moms) would love the opportunity for their child to have a good role model. I know where I live there are kids sitting in foster care, kids who parents have died or lost custody. These kids are starved for adult interaction and approval. My kids friends come to me all the time and tell me what is going on in their lives. They know I wont preach at them or lecture, I allow them to express themselves and remind them that I love them and that they are welcome and safe in my home. I have had some steal from me, some break my thing but most are so happy just to have an adult who cares.
At times I feel so overwhelmed but then one of them will say or do something that makes me think that one of the most rewarding thing I have done in my life is open my heart to other people's kids. I wont even go into the number of girls who have had a parent sexually abuse them and the consequences that they suffer from.
Posted: 7/27/2008 5:26:54 AM
you make alot of good valid points.I did try to date a few women with young children in the past,but for some reason,we didn't click past the first date,personality wise. Maybe the Bigbrother thing is one answer, if a biological child is not in the future for me.
Posted: 7/27/2008 5:37:05 AM
|WHAT IS CAUSING YOU TO FEEL THIS WAY. FEAR OF GETTING OLDER AND BEING ALONE? A SENSE OF BEING SELFISH FOR NOT HAVING HAD CHILDREN? OR AS WITH MANY THINGS IN LIFE - IS IT JUST THE FACT THAT WE REGRET WHAT WE DID NOT DO RATHER THAN WHAT WE DID DO IN LIFE?|
I HAVE ONE CHILD, A DAUGHTER WHO IS 26 AND LIVES ACROSS THE COUNTRY. I DO NOT GET TO SEE HER THAT OFTEN. MY POINT IS THAT EVEN IF YOU HAD HAD A CHILD, THEY GROW UP AND LIVE THEIR LIFE AND SOME TIMES THAT MEANS MOVING 3000 MILES AWAY. SO EVEN IF YOU HAD A CHILD SOME OF THE THINGS THAT YOU ARE ENVIOUS OF MIGHT STILL BE THE SAME. ALSO, HAVE YOU CONSIDERED THAT WHEN YOU HAVE A CHILD OF YOUR OWN IT IS SOMEWHAT A FORM OF SELF LOVE? I THINK YOU SHOULD STOP BEATING YOURSELF UP AND FIGURE OUT WHAT IT IS ABOUT NOT HAVING A CHILD AND TRY TO FILL THAT VOID IN ANOTHER WAY. VOLUNTEER WORK WITH CHILDREN MAYBE.
Posted: 7/27/2008 5:51:11 AM
|Hi Todayand beyond,|
I think I'm one of those people that wish they could go back in time to their youth,knowing what they do now, and change many things. My sister has experienced some of what you said about children growing up and moving away.My oldest nephew first joined the Navy,then after 6 years,moved several hundred miles away.