|Childless menPage 1 of 6 (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)|
|As a man well into his mid-life crisis,I notice that lately as a man who never had children, I am jealous of friend's and neighbor's families. I always wanted a daughter especially,and feel like a failure as a man that I didn't have kids earlier in life when a few opportunities presented themselves. This feeling was further enhanced when I recently found out from my ex-girlfriend of 1 1/2 years, that she secretly aborted our unborn child while we were dating.I would like to know from men and women,their oppinions on this subject.|
Posted: 7/26/2008 5:21:39 AM
|Not having children doesn't make you a failure in life. I never understood this view either. Could it be your "mid-life crisis" talking here?|
You don't say why it is you never had children. Did you just not want them earlier on in your life or is it a question of hindsight? You mention that a few opportunities presented themselves.
Posted: 7/26/2008 5:46:52 AM
|Well...I know how you feel.|
I always wanted children.To see part of me...real part of me!
My dream came true late in my life...
And I think...if you want your child...to have...to raise(even not your own but adopted)you still have time.
Posted: 7/26/2008 6:30:35 AM
|Well,I think in my twenties I may have missed my main opportunity by not getting married to the woman I was dating . It seemed as though we wanted different things after being together for six months and her parents had mapped out my entire life for me,which at the time scared the heck out of me. I used protection with the other women I dated over the years, as not to have a child out of wedlock, but with the pregnant ex-girlfriend,I really wanted to spend the rest of my life with her.I think she got scared because of her age, and having three grown children already,and aborted our child.|
Posted: 7/26/2008 7:04:42 AM
|OP In my mind you didn't miss an opportunity in your 20's with that particular woman. You wanted different things you said and her parents were apparently trying to control your relationship at least in part. So, not s'much a missed opportunity. |
As for the pregnant ex girlfriend, well, I can see where it scared her but I won't comment further on her choice and leave it at that. The only thing I will say is, it wasn't meant to be.
So live your life in the here and now because what is past is past, there's nothing you can do about it now. Dwelling on it will not be constructive.
I had only one child, never wanted any more than that really.
I'm assuming that *niick* meant to type "6 billion"............
Posted: 7/26/2008 7:28:34 AM
|I'm not jealous of those with kids. I knew from junior high that I didn't want to have kids. I consider myself "childfree". I think your midlife crisis isn't just about not having kids. There's more to it than that.|
Posted: 7/26/2008 9:56:01 AM
|Hey, bub, stop with the "midlife crisis." That's a term that was devised (probably by a mangina) to humiliate men who finally saw through the bullshit and decided to live life on their own terms: our OWN happiness, not someone else's. That term is used merely to get men to "fall in line." So, I'd drop it if you really wish to cut through the smoke, fog and mirrors.|
Next, men without children...brilliant! [mocking Guiness ads]
Take a good, hard look at how our governments use children as leverage to get at your wallet and conduct illegal searches and seize property illegally. Now, weigh your fragile ego/envy against what you could lose...it's definitely a zero-sum game according to our Divorce Industry. You lose, "the industry" wins; your ex is merely the benefactor to the industry's mafioso ways.
Posted: 7/26/2008 12:47:20 PM
|Thank's people,for making me see this in another way.I guess that in this hard time we live,bringing a kid into this world isn't a really good idea anyway.Smitten,to answer your question,the ex-girlfriend,let's call her Mary because that's her name anyway,only said that she did what she did because it was meant to be that way.Phylisophical stuff, ha? She's now living with a man who hits her almost daily and asks me for advice.Go figure that one out?|
Posted: 7/26/2008 5:29:10 PM
|I never really wanted children , and I don't regret not having them. I experienced them second hand (through a niece and more than a few nephews), and that was a great experience that gave me at least a taste of what having kids must be like. I enjoyed those experiences, but also never had them change my mind in the matter. |
In my case, it probably had to do with two very important factors. The first was that I came from a rather dysfunctional family where my parents got their divorce when I was quite young. I remember sometimes visiting my Dad, and then he'd bring me back home....and wait at the bottom of the three flights of stairs while I walked up them.
It's a strange feeling, at age eight or so, to realize the two people that created you couldn't even stand face to face. I think I decided right then that I'd never put any OTHER kid through that type of experience.
The other reason was not really meeting any women I considered good mother material. With my ex-wife, I was the one who spent most of the time raising and taking care of our dog...after she'd outgrown that cute puppy stage.
That kind of sealed it, in regards to children, which were not really anything we both wanted either. Had I changed my mind, that experience would have certainly put a wooden stake through any rethinking of the concept.
No regrets, whatsoever.
Posted: 7/26/2008 8:18:44 PM
|I never had any children and never wanted any. They are cute to have around for short periods of time, but my patience wears thin after awhile and I need to seek refuge elsewhere. A father can not and should not allow himself that luxury.|
Posted: 7/27/2008 3:31:08 AM
|yeah, well that's why we have 62 yr old men saying they're open to making babies .... because they were too self obsessed in they're 30s to be bothered with the responsibility. You snooze, you lose....deal with it.|
Posted: 7/27/2008 4:00:56 AM
|This struck a nerve with me, I have watched the interactions of teenagers for the last few years. I see the need for good MALE role models. It is perhaps the saddest thing to watch and feel so helpless. |
There are so many good kids out there who have never had a decent man around them. One child lived with me for a bit, his mom drinks, does drugs and basically told him to get lost she was having a man over that night and the man wouldnt sleep with her if one of her kids was there. He lived in my home for about a year and has now found a job and gotten engaged to get married. He has moved out and living with his girlfriend. All he needed was a chance.
Another childs father died from having sex change operation and the mom lost custody due to drinking. She is now at 18 out of rehab but expelled from high school for drug use, her older brother kicked her out as soon as social security quit paying (when she turned 18). I tried to help her but she was such a bad influence on the other kids that I just couldnt allow her to stay in my home.
My own kids father lives in the same town and saw them once in 2007. He would call and make plans to see my daughter and meet her boyfriend but then stand them up. He saw them at xmas when I asked them to go see him and they went to him(dont ask why I just thought it was xmas). He has missed out on one of the most beautiful experiences in the world, watching young people obtain their own identies. Seeing them question themselves and making decisions that make them proud of themselves ...he had kids but in my eyes he is the failure, not a man who didnt have them.
There are so many children in the world just wanting a father figure in their live.
Why not volunteer to be a big brother to some kids? So many things you can do to involve a child in your life and most people (especially single moms) would love the opportunity for their child to have a good role model. I know where I live there are kids sitting in foster care, kids who parents have died or lost custody. These kids are starved for adult interaction and approval. My kids friends come to me all the time and tell me what is going on in their lives. They know I wont preach at them or lecture, I allow them to express themselves and remind them that I love them and that they are welcome and safe in my home. I have had some steal from me, some break my thing but most are so happy just to have an adult who cares.
At times I feel so overwhelmed but then one of them will say or do something that makes me think that one of the most rewarding thing I have done in my life is open my heart to other people's kids. I wont even go into the number of girls who have had a parent sexually abuse them and the consequences that they suffer from.
Posted: 7/27/2008 5:26:54 AM
you make alot of good valid points.I did try to date a few women with young children in the past,but for some reason,we didn't click past the first date,personality wise. Maybe the Bigbrother thing is one answer, if a biological child is not in the future for me.
Posted: 7/27/2008 5:37:05 AM
|WHAT IS CAUSING YOU TO FEEL THIS WAY. FEAR OF GETTING OLDER AND BEING ALONE? A SENSE OF BEING SELFISH FOR NOT HAVING HAD CHILDREN? OR AS WITH MANY THINGS IN LIFE - IS IT JUST THE FACT THAT WE REGRET WHAT WE DID NOT DO RATHER THAN WHAT WE DID DO IN LIFE?|
I HAVE ONE CHILD, A DAUGHTER WHO IS 26 AND LIVES ACROSS THE COUNTRY. I DO NOT GET TO SEE HER THAT OFTEN. MY POINT IS THAT EVEN IF YOU HAD HAD A CHILD, THEY GROW UP AND LIVE THEIR LIFE AND SOME TIMES THAT MEANS MOVING 3000 MILES AWAY. SO EVEN IF YOU HAD A CHILD SOME OF THE THINGS THAT YOU ARE ENVIOUS OF MIGHT STILL BE THE SAME. ALSO, HAVE YOU CONSIDERED THAT WHEN YOU HAVE A CHILD OF YOUR OWN IT IS SOMEWHAT A FORM OF SELF LOVE? I THINK YOU SHOULD STOP BEATING YOURSELF UP AND FIGURE OUT WHAT IT IS ABOUT NOT HAVING A CHILD AND TRY TO FILL THAT VOID IN ANOTHER WAY. VOLUNTEER WORK WITH CHILDREN MAYBE.
Posted: 7/27/2008 5:51:11 AM
|Hi Todayand beyond,|
I think I'm one of those people that wish they could go back in time to their youth,knowing what they do now, and change many things. My sister has experienced some of what you said about children growing up and moving away.My oldest nephew first joined the Navy,then after 6 years,moved several hundred miles away.
Posted: 7/27/2008 8:38:43 AM
|It is the way...children going out from our home...when they grow up...and it is normal.|
But we raise them...the joy of being mother/father is forever in us.
I don't think it is in real world greatest joy than being a parent!
To hold...to feed...to play...even to dry tears of your child!
If you dream about your child...it is never too late...for a man...
Posted: 7/27/2008 8:08:56 PM
|i am in total agreement with you. i never wanted kids and have absolutely no regrets. it is a different life without kids and one which i think is great. have been married twice--we didn't want kids and got divorced after 10 years--not due to the kid issue. 2nd marriage was great but unfortunately she died after 14 years. my most recent relationship had a 22yr old daughter that was far and away #1 in her life and when the grandkids came along i would probably drop to #3. don't want kids, never did, no regrets.|
Posted: 8/25/2008 8:18:12 AM
It is the worst...when people think child=money.
Posted: 8/25/2008 10:18:56 AM
|WantaSmart1, your post is so sad...|
I know of a man who was thrown away at birth, it was 1920, February. They burned the trash and a man taking his trash there heard a cry and thought someone had tossed in a kitten...instead he found a baby...seconds away from being burn alive. He took it home to his wife, they couldnt have kids. His family said you cant adopt him..you dont know who his parents are, we won't allow it and told the man if he adopted the child they would kick him out of the family business. The wife had already adopted baby in her heart and so the man had to take construction jobs to support his family.
When the baby was 5 years old the mother died and the man had to put him in a nunnery where he stayed until he was 15 and then he couldnt stand it anymore and ran away. A woman found him on her back door porched curled around the empty milk container. She took him in and made him a part of her family.
That baby was my father...he was never someone elses mistake. The woman who took him in was with him when he died...the loved that they shared gave back to both of them thru out the years. Anytime she had a problem he was there for her...he helped build her home, did her repairs and never let her forget how much he loved her for what she had done for him.
Posted: 8/25/2008 12:03:38 PM
|It is sad that you view another person as a mistake, we dont get to chose who our parents are ...and as one person once said about their father was that the only thing he ever did was donate the sperm to make me and he had a good time doing it. |
If you were one of the "mistakes" how would you feel? Love is a gift, it cost nothing to give it and MOST of the time the rewards are neverending. Hope, loving a child gives him hope for his own future.
At one point in my life I wanted nothing more than to help kids who needed it, then I got sick and now financially Im not in a position to do so. I am going to college to fix that and then one day I will be able to and it is one thing that whoever I end up with will have to understand about me. I have however opened my house to most of the kids that my children know and all have one common theme...lack of a good father figure in their lives. To watch them interact with a man is like watching a flower bloom...tis a thing of beauty. The only thing wrong with these kids is they never have known true love and when I went to move recently all of them were there to help me in 90 plus heat, some I hadnt met before but they had heard from others and just came to help.
A child should never be about who's it parents are...they are a person in their own right.
As far as the people told by their parents they are a mistake, yes it is cruel to...my ex was used as living proof that birth control doesnt work. His mom would constantly tell his older brother and sister that unless they wanted a "JOHN" in their live they needed to make sure they didnt have sex...She sent him birthday cards that said, Son you are one of a kind...and that is a good thing the world couldnt handle another one like you. He is in jail now, his own actions but i have no doubts that his parents played a big part in the things in his life that lead him there.
So yea some people shouldnt be parents...in actually they arent parents...but it doesnt elimate the fact that the child exist and if we all turn our backs..that child still exist and growing up without love in their lifes...they still exist and then when they end up in jail etc...they still exist and you are paying for them the rest of your life with your tax dollars so you arent getting out of it.. cause they still exist. You can make a difference in just one childs life by showing them love..imagine if everyone did...how many problems such as over crowding in jails would be eliminated.
Posted: 11/14/2009 12:38:57 AM
|as a fost/adopt mom i can ASSURE you that there is a crying need for adoptive dads. i know several, just like adoptive moms, who have done it alone. there are funds to assist. if that can't be done, the very LEAST that you can do is become a respite provider to a fost/adopt family or a big brother. i'm just one of those people who decides to "do something" about whatever it is that i decide to mourn for, on any particular day. you can also adopt international children via financial support and write them letters. i have three adopted kids of my own and three international kids i send support to. |
btw, sexual abuse towards boys is huge. so, go fill a gap and provide them with some hope. i wanted to adopt since i was five. married twice, the opportunity never presented itself til age 50. with my first i had thought of giving birth to one child and adopting the rest. but, as luck would have it, we got divorced before that could happen. by age 50, i had come down with lymes and realized that it was then or NEVER. my kids are 19-22 and i'm 61. i started at ages 10 1/2-13. so, go for it! you cannot undue an undelivered baby. you can help save one that is already alive.
PS WANTASMART--MY KIDS ARE ""FAR"" FROM SOMEONE ELSE'S MISTAKE and GUESS WHAT, THEY ARE ALL PRETTY DAMN SMART THEMSELVES, AS WELL AS SURVIVORS!!!! GRRRRRR.......
Posted: 11/14/2009 6:25:47 AM
I know people who were told by parents that they were "mistakes" and it affects them for the rest of their lives to know this. Some folks should be rendered incapable of procreation, but they aren't. I'm just no longer willing to take on the results of their actions. Been there, done that.
Being an adoptee I can say I never felt like a mistake.. My mother always told me how lucky I was and how she had walked down the line of babies that were available and how she chose me. Of course later on in life I learned this was not really the case at all. But still it was the sentiment she expressed to me and the love she gave me growing up.
One gave me love
The other gave me life
For that I am grateful to both.
Posted: 11/14/2009 7:47:35 AM
|OP I didn't look at your profile but your post definitely stirred up some|
thoughts: If you just look around a bit I'm sure you see lots of kids who
would benefit from the influence of a good man in their world. It could be
that life has meant for you to experience this in a more unconventional way.
If you think back on your own life and the people who "marked" a place in
your heart, caused you to look at a situation completely differently, affected
who you are today....was that person always a parent? Children are unbelievably
easy to love....maybe that is a gift you can give in a way that could surprise you.
Posted: 11/14/2009 8:53:26 AM
|OP, you are not a failure. Having kids is an extremely selfish act--no one asks to be born, after all. We do it because we want the experience of raising a child. There is a tremendous amount of sacrifice if you are a good parent, but you chose it. (Not having kids is a selfish decision, too, but it does not affect anyone else--unless you are one of the childless who complain about the "breaks" parents get, because you are denying the reality that it is their children who will be the ones filling jobs as the older generation leaves them. You don't have to have kids, but at least be tolerant of those who do and willing to recognize their selfish choices will benefit you in the future. It really does take all of us to raise good kids.)|
If you want kids in your life, there are so many options. Kids need unconditional love more than anything--when it is combined with rational discipline (teaching them how to be a decent human being). So many kids do not get unconditional love that it makes me sad. Parents always seem to have "expectations" for the way their kids' lives should go. If you can give unconditional acceptance--no matter what the kid(s) want to be in life, no matter how unambitious or nonathletic or whatever--you will be giving a child a tremendous gift. Go for it; find a way. Best of luck.
Posted: 11/14/2009 1:31:48 PM
|OP... You could experience a great deal of satisfaction mentoring kids who truly are going through terrible situations and times... In school settings they are always looking out for good Male Mentors as great role models to work with troubled youth...|
There are so many kids messed up from drama filled homes, through divorce and other situations that people have no idea about...
In response to the above post Pete...
That is so sad that society has created issues like that... I can see why some people would hestitate to be a mentor considering that point of view...