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Show ALL Forums  > Dating Experiences  > They wanted to hold my hand at the first meeting?      Home login  
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 surely im shirley
Joined: 6/14/2008
Msg: 1
They wanted to hold my hand at the first meeting?Page 1 of 11    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11)
So my last 3 meetings were with really nice guys, but unfortunately I felt no chemistry. They however, tried to hold my hand at the table in the first half hour!
The last one, after being told that if just felt too intimate at that stage tried it again, and this time intertwining our fingers! They were all looking for long term and I'm not, but it was very clear from our messaging that I don't do one night stands, and that friendship is expected first. Has anyone experienced this? Are these guys just needy or what?
 Wildman46
Joined: 6/4/2008
Msg: 2
They wanted to hold my hand at the first meeting?
Posted: 7/26/2008 7:43:06 AM
" They were all looking for long term amd I'm not"

Maybe that's your problem right there, you're not on the same page with these guys. If you're not interested in "long term" STOP meeting guys that's looking for ''long term".
 surely im shirley
Joined: 6/14/2008
Msg: 3
They wanted to hold my hand at the first meeting?
Posted: 7/26/2008 7:48:19 AM
Wouldn't guys looking for long term expect to have to do some dating first?

My profile specifies that we would become friends first. Wouldn't I also expect to do some dating?
 afashionlady
Joined: 4/19/2008
Msg: 4
They wanted to hold my hand at the first meeting?
Posted: 7/26/2008 7:52:31 AM
If you're into someone Shirley...hand holding is a natural next step for many. Some people are very affectionate and like to touch. If there's chemistry there, I will hold someone's hand.

If you're equating hand holding with one night stands...how did you make that leap my dear? I don't understand. Hand holding doesn't lead to sex...last time I checked :)

If you're not looking for a long term anything, then as one guy said, don't talk to men who are.

No, I don't see them as needy. If you aren't the type to hold hands early on, then saying that will give the responder a clue and help him out on the date. Communication on those types of things early on is really important.
 SpecialHeartedLady
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 5
They wanted to hold my hand at the first meeting?
Posted: 7/26/2008 7:55:56 AM
I suspect you are looking for long term but over time, not right off. Something would have to be amazing and so revealing for me to jump into that again. I've learned hard lessons over jumping and suffering.

I've had dates grab my hand within 5 minutes of a date. Very irritating. I said no, and took my hand back, but one kept grabbing it and rubbing it. I was very irritated. Eventually, this dude seemed to really need a hand to hold so I chilled a bit and tried to help him. I did get my hand back and cut the meeting short.

I've also had a couple want a commitment at the end of the first date. I was truly interested, but they kept pushing. So I had to say that I was interested, but that if they can't slow down, we can't go out. They called me a few names and left.

It's not you like the above two posters have said. It's the men who need to rush and meet some unmet need by pushing you into it. They need to deal with their own singleness issues or whatever they are, before dating, or at the very least, say they are going very slow, that they are interested but need time.
 Diana619
Joined: 8/29/2007
Msg: 6
They wanted to hold my hand at the first meeting?
Posted: 7/26/2008 7:56:28 AM
My profile specifies that we would become friends first. Wouldn't I also expect to do some dating?


Your profile *also * says that you are looking for love and if you click with the guy, you will invite him to your house for drinks!! Out of curiosity........how many dates do you want before allowing a man to hold your hand? Perhaps you should change your profile from dating to just friends. I agree with the above poster : gentlemanjack....HUGE contradiction in what you are complaining about and what your profile says.
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 7
They wanted to hold my hand at the first meeting?
Posted: 7/26/2008 8:28:49 AM
If you're into someone Shirley...hand holding is a natural next step for many. Some people are very affectionate and like to touch. If there's chemistry there, I will hold someone's hand.

I will as well.

~OP~ Yes, many looking for long term, mean long-term-right-now. I understand that concept. If the chemistry, mutual interest on multiple levels was there, more often than not, my "date" turned into a boyfriend. Then again, I have only met one person from online that I've been long term with so I suppose meeting in the real world, talking for a bit, then going on the first date does have charms that don't exist here in virtual-being-ville. Only one meeting in 8 years online has turned up something substantial for me and that was loooong ago. I guess it's all in how the two parties think, like minds work for me (be on the same page from the onset.) JMO
 blondago56
Joined: 8/21/2004
Msg: 8
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History
They wanted to hold my hand at the first meeting?
Posted: 7/26/2008 10:20:28 AM
hi there shirley , i tend to agree with afasionlady, & dancinrex, & a couple others....

Hand-hold does not mean 'long-term, gonna try to get into your pants thing... it's HAND-HOLDING, it is a Gauge to find out , Tactilely, how the person is relating to the "holdee"..... Decorum and kindness will let them know that you don't care for hand-holding immediately... and if they don't listen to the 'message', then use some mini-self defense and Bend His Pinkie finger backwards!! *kidding, im not into hurting someone...
 techgirl27
Joined: 9/5/2005
Msg: 9
view profile
History
They wanted to hold my hand at the first meeting?
Posted: 7/26/2008 11:10:56 AM
Here's how I see it. Sometimes there's "magnetism" and sometimes there's not.
He just wanted to make his available in case you felt the same. He was doing the bravery of "making the move", that we wish more guys would do generally.

Guys, correct me if I'm wrong....... but that seems reasonable, especially in this world of more and more 'you dont get if you dont ask'.
 Boricua Papi
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 10
They wanted to hold my hand at the first meeting?
Posted: 7/26/2008 11:22:59 AM
Shirley,

Well, the weird thing of a "dating site" like this one is that you don't actually date. You meet people. But we don't call it "friendship site" maybe for reason. In a dating site you are supposed to go see some one you felt attracted to in the first place from online. So you should be expecting some form of expressions of affection in the man(men) you meet for first time. If you are just "fishing in the sea" of a lot of men, don't go meet them at restaurants. Meet them at parks where there is not money to spend if you don't really click. Meeting for first time at restaurants should be a no go if you are just "fishing". If you like your men to take you to eat and then tell them this is just friendship, well maybe you are just playing on here, not on a serious dating mode. Maybe you don't realize how silly, non intelligent and naive you sound in your posts . Sad because you are really cute:)
 Deuce Light
Joined: 6/17/2008
Msg: 11
They wanted to hold my hand at the first meeting?
Posted: 7/26/2008 1:50:23 PM
^^^The problem is that things weren't going all that well according to the OP and these men still felt the need to pull the ripcord before diving from the plane.

OP, this phenomenon is not just restricted to women. I experience this same thing with women. Most of the women that I've dated more than two or three dates in the recent year and change that I've ACTUALLY been interested in pursuing a relationship with have turned out to be this way. They say they want to take things slowly and don't want to rush anything and aren't in a position for a serious relationship at the moment anyway but it seems like clockwork that after the first date they are clung to me like Bounce sheets to microfibre cloths and within a few weeks to a month they are professing their love and wanting to press fast forward on the relationship remote. I like to let things progress naturally and to me love doesn't just explode overnight. Like does, but not love.
 Remington55
Joined: 9/23/2007
Msg: 12
They wanted to hold my hand at the first meeting?
Posted: 7/26/2008 5:12:23 PM

O/P ~ ...Are these guys just needy or what?...


No, they are not needy & neither are you. It's just that you and they were expressing different personal expressions of love. Since they were speaking to you in the Love Language of "Physical Touch" you did not recognize it. Did you know that there are basically five languages of love? Essentially they are; Quality Time, Words of Affirmation, Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch.

People come in all sizes, varieties, and shapes, so too does their choices of personal expressions of love. However more often than not, the giver & the receiver express their love in two different ways. Not recognizing which language is being used usually leads to a lot of misunderstandings, quarrels, and even divorce. This is just what you've been experiencing in your dating phase. Learn to speak & understand your potential mate's love language and in no time you will be able to effectively love and feel truly loved in return. Strong written and skillful effective communication are attainable goals and are within your grasp. For any given problem, ask yourself three questions; 1) What can I do. 2) What can I read. 3) Who can I ask.

Sometimes the questions we have, the answers are within, we just need to do a little personal inner reflection & voila...

Oh before I forget... Outline your boundaries & expectations right from the start... that way you won't have to control or be controlled... Anyway I hope this helps...

**~Remington55~**
 toomuch13
Joined: 6/28/2007
Msg: 13
They wanted to hold my hand at the first meeting?
Posted: 7/26/2008 6:05:03 PM
OP, count yourself lucky! All they wanted to do was hold your hand. I have had guys who wanted to hold a lot more on the first date.
 surely im shirley
Joined: 6/14/2008
Msg: 14
They wanted to hold my hand at the first meeting?
Posted: 7/26/2008 8:21:38 PM
This was a revelation. Not everyone is tactful or even polite. Others are polite, yet say what I don't want to hear. Others are sympathetic to the question and say so but...all of your opinions were interesting and appreciated.

Why do I specify dating? My reason was so that men would realize that I am in no huge hurry, and that I am prepared to go through the dating process to become friends first with a man I learn to trust enough to risk a long term relationship with. Time passes very quickly and I am unwilling to expend years on a failed relationship. I'm 47 after all. Isn't that what dating is all about? Should I specify long term if that is my eventual goal? By the way...I don't say anywhere that sex won't be a part of this discovery process for you men who get freaked out by this 'friends first' concept, but trust is a must first!


No, they are not needy & neither are you. It's just that you and they were expressing different personal expressions of love.


Love in less than 30 minutes?

I think the point that many have missed is that the hand holding was attempted in the FIRST HALF HOUR OF A FIRST MEETING, after only email messaging and one phone call! We were strangers! If I was after a booty call or a quick marriage, which I am absolutely sure that my profile or my messaging does not convey, I would understand. I think the quote below begins to explain it best.


Quality Time, Words of Affirmation, Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch.

For me...less than half an hour is not enough quality time for a man to assume that hand holding is acceptable. If he had asked first, I would have told him I wasn't comfortable with that yet. Words of affirmation were not given! Gifts would not generally be exchanged during a first meeting, and are not necessary, and acts of service in a first meeting, apart from holding a door etc, would be negligible, so I don't understand these, but physical touch for me is something I am comfortable with only with people I have learned to trust.

Although I sympathize, I advise all of you women having had men try to grab more than your hand at a first meeting, that you use your instincts to recognize this potential behavior from the get go. Its' generally apparent in some way. Luckily...I have not had that problem. I trust my abilities of perception, however, if they have failed me, but rarely do, I have no problem in excusing myself from the scenario and making a quick exit.

By the way...all of you men who assumed that a restaurant where the man paid was the location of the first meeting are wrong. It was on a patio and I tried to pay for my own glass of wine...thank you very much. I did leave a generous tip. Did you miss the part of my profile where I state that I pay my own way?

Finally...I am a single lady...and lonely!!! Why else would I be on this site? What is contradictory about that and my profile? For those of you who did not take the time to read it thoroughly...here are the first few lines.


I miss the companionship of a man with whom I am compatible in all of the ways that a man and a woman who are good friends 'first', are compatible. I would love to meet a man, with whom I feel a special connection, whose company I enjoy, and have fun with, trust, and with whom I develop an 'important' and 'exclusive' relationship.


What have I said that doesn't strike a chord within all of you? I think that I will insert long term behind exclusive and change my goal to long term.

Thank you very much, all, for your input.

 surely im shirley
Joined: 6/14/2008
Msg: 15
They wanted to hold my hand at the first meeting?
Posted: 7/26/2008 9:41:26 PM

Hand holding = pawing. Well I guess they are both done with your hands or paws.


(Shaking my head)

And your point? Meowwwwww....spit...snarl. If you can't say something constructive and polite...why say it at all?

(Still shaking head)

BTW...the slang word is cooties.
 Wildman46
Joined: 6/4/2008
Msg: 16
They wanted to hold my hand at the first meeting?
Posted: 7/26/2008 9:56:52 PM
"And your point? Meowwwwww...spit..snarl. If you can't say something constructive and polite.... Why say it at all"


Ewwwww Cat fight, Don't start till I come back with my popcorn and a drink.
 Del Monty !
Joined: 3/24/2007
Msg: 17
They wanted to hold my hand at the first meeting?
Posted: 7/26/2008 10:15:35 PM
In the illustrious words of that eloquent philosopher, Cosmo Kramer on the 1990's TV sitcom, Seinfeld..." C~C~C~Cat Fight !!" .... LOL !! Let's sell tickets !! LOL !!
 emer33
Joined: 6/5/2008
Msg: 18
They wanted to hold my hand at the first meeting?
Posted: 7/27/2008 6:40:26 AM
he darted for my face to kiss immediately, then kept darting forward, lurching, while i was darting back. I firmly said, "I just met you", he apologized. Then the hand holding, immediately, I kept avoiding, he kept on, ...sorry, then grabbed my back and hard, to give a massage, so THAT was really out of bounds,
I had to scold him like a child, "HANDS TO YOURSELF'", He said, "Oh, sorry"
I find it is very annoying. I ama very touchy-feely mate, after we have established something over time, and gradually.
First dates: What is the purpose? Just trying to aggravate women?
Do I want to be aggravated again?
 emer33
Joined: 6/5/2008
Msg: 19
They wanted to hold my hand at the first meeting?
Posted: 7/27/2008 6:45:59 AM
No, cowboy, not so innocent. The hand holding at 95 degrees when you are walking is annoying with a total stranger. The first time you see someone you do not grab their body, any part, except to offer a handshake. Then let the physical be gradual, and reciprocated (returned) ?if the woman is moving away, do not keep grabbing, take the hint.
It does not mean the woman is wrong, just not feeling mutually on physical contact.
Respect the other person.
 emer33
Joined: 6/5/2008
Msg: 20
They wanted to hold my hand at the first meeting?
Posted: 7/27/2008 6:54:57 AM
How many times do you think you should "outline the bounds"?
And here isanother question: "Who can I slap in the face?"
It is disrespectful to grab onto a woman, on the first sight. This one person was clinging whenever another man was near, to show "we" were "together". I think it isa male thing, NOT THE LANGUAGE OF love. HOW CONDESCENDING of you, Remington55 ! !
 aSydneyMale
Joined: 5/16/2006
Msg: 21
They wanted to hold my hand at the first meeting?
Posted: 7/27/2008 7:05:17 AM
For me holding a woman's hand is a very intimate act, a statement, and I could only do it with someone I felt chemistry with.

If a woman tried to rush things or force the issue when there's no chemistry by holding hands, it would be a big red flag for me. I don't hold hands with my friends.
 afashionlady
Joined: 4/19/2008
Msg: 22
They wanted to hold my hand at the first meeting?
Posted: 7/27/2008 7:29:24 AM

The last one, after being told that if just felt too intimate at that stage tried it again, and this time intertwining our fingers! They were all looking for long term and I'm not, but it was very clear from our messaging that I don't do one night stands, and that friendship is expected first.



I think the point that many have missed is that the hand holding was attempted in the FIRST HALF HOUR OF A FIRST MEETING, after only email messaging and one phone call! We were strangers! If I was after a booty call or a quick marriage, which I am absolutely sure that my profile or my messaging does not convey, I would understand.


Shirley...this is what is confusing for some of us. You say holding hands, intimate, one night stands, hand holding, booty call, quick marriage...all in the same breath!

This is why I know I'm scratching MY head. It's ok that you think it's too intimate. No problem with that. But one night stands, booty calls, hand holding...they're not even in the same league as each other. And makes no sense to me. Sorry.

If hand holding is an issue, you may want to say that when you're tlaking to someone early on. It could be something as simple as I'm not an overly affectionate person until I get to know you better. I would think that most men who have a brain can figure that out. It doesn't mean you're a cold fish, it just means what it says.

If I'm clicking with someone online and on the phone and the chemistry continues in person, for me, and again, this is me, touching is a way to indicate that. If you're talking to someone online and there's no chemistry and you still feel like that person is a complete stranger, maybe talk a bit longer. Or, toss the fish back into the lake and try again.

All that being said, most guys that are here on POF who are interested in talking with you will see these posts and understand your boundaries and respect them. THAT is a good thing and it won't lead to any future (hopefully) misunderstandings.

Good luck and happy fishing Shirley!
 surely im shirley
Joined: 6/14/2008
Msg: 23
They wanted to hold my hand at the first meeting?
Posted: 7/27/2008 8:20:53 AM

Perfectly exceptable if you feel comfortable doing so, if not then the other person should respect your feelings on it, and give you your person space back.


Thank you Twinklepops.

Personal space is the best description I have read so far. At this first meeting, in the first half hour, for a relative stranger to take my hand without asking, is a lack of respect for my personal space. I would hold hands with someone I had learned to be comfortable with first. In a half hour? No. Hand holding is intimate to me, unless I'm being assisted in some way.

I have to laugh, at the visual image of my explaining to a man I have never met that I am somewhat reserved with new people, and that hand holding and such is too intimate during a first meeting, as some posts suggested that I do. I would however, mention it if the subject came up. I just don't see that talking about physical contact in the first half hour is appropriate anyway, at least for me.

So...lots of opinions. Everyone is different. Thanks all again.
 surely im shirley
Joined: 6/14/2008
Msg: 24
They wanted to hold my hand at the first meeting?
Posted: 7/27/2008 8:54:59 AM
Acerpal (message 38)


Hi, I don't mean to be offensive but I have had a belly full of women who want to be "friends first".



This was somewhat off topic however I think that you misunderstood the quote below.

I miss the companionship of a man with whom I am compatible in all of the ways that a man and a woman who are good friends 'first', are compatible.


I didn't quote "friends first" as you have done, but instead placed the emphasis on 'first', meaning that the friendship between the man I choose as my long term companion is 'first' and 'foremost' my friend; that being the trust and respect that are so all important in a loving relationship.

I'm sorry that you have become so jaded. I think that your generalization of women who want to be "friends first" is quite unfair. That is their prerogative and you say that they admitted that. They then, have been honest and if they decide after the fact that they feel no chemistry, that is also their choice. Isn't dating the process of getting to know each other and deciding if you want to pursue a relationship? If the woman didn't offer to share in the costs at the meet, and on the first date, why would you anticipate that she ever would? Because you choose to spend 3 or 4 hundred on a second date doesn't obligate the woman to sex, and if that expectation is apparent, then its' no wonder that you "waste your time".
 charlotte53
Joined: 12/29/2005
Msg: 25
view profile
History
They wanted to hold my hand at the first meeting?
Posted: 7/27/2008 8:56:46 AM
Dear Shirley:

It depends on how you were brought up I guess. My ancestry is French and if they don't hold hands on the first meeting I'm insulted. It is a mark of affection like hugging is that's all, that is how can you tell if there is chemistry. How can you tell if there is chemistry just by looking at him? I would like some input too. I don't do one night stands either and if that is all they want then I tell them to go elsewhere. If it was inappropriate touching like on my thigh ,buttocks, boobs he would get a smack on the cheek that's inappropriate to me. I love to hold hands while talking at the table or walking side by side. Maybe these guys went out with French girls and liked the experience of holding hands, so they are not all perverts. It's really an individual thing if you are not comfortable with this just tell them and if they respect you they will still go out with you. I hope this answered your question.
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