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 thebigslim
Joined: 9/27/2005
Msg: 1
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probably need to re-vamp the profile... againPage 1 of 1    
ok the last time i posted in this section of the forums, it was because I felt i had too much info ..... after cutting out a bunch of randomness and cleaned up some of the sentences (i am no english major by any means, but i think it is at least enough for another person to comprehend) long story short.... still not getting responses, so dare i ask..... cut out more? do something totally different? im open for suggestions
 thebigslim
Joined: 9/27/2005
Msg: 2
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probably need to re-vamp the profile... again
Posted: 7/29/2008 10:04:09 AM
ok... profile revamped ... time for constructive feedback
 WhiteWaterRogue
Joined: 4/3/2007
Msg: 3
probably need to re-vamp the profile... again
Posted: 7/29/2008 11:06:29 AM
You got constructive feedback...
 WhiteWaterRogue
Joined: 4/3/2007
Msg: 4
probably need to re-vamp the profile... again
Posted: 7/29/2008 11:34:22 AM
Now I am going to give you a few more things to chew on...Muahhaaaahha.

Note, I am not ripping you apart here, I am offering my opinion since you asked. This is gonna hurt though, I imagine.

First, loose the third picture. There are way to many things going on there that I won't even describe. Your second picture is very nice, your first picture shows you have a spine, and the last picture is, well, just nice.

Second, use I correctly througout. The use of i says alot of things and I think on balance your better off use it correctly.

Third, start sentences with an upper case character. If you don't have the time to spell correctly in your profile, some women might find that an indication negative things about you.

Now I am going to make in-line comments from your profile description using [ and ] to enclose my comments:

here is what i believe, the foundations to a proficient relationship are: Compromise, Trust, Communication and Respect.

["proficient "??? I am thinking you can come up with a warmer, more fuzzy word than that. I am betting not many woman are interested in a proficient relationship.]

Here is the breakdown of me..... I am a wholesome person being described constantly by my female friends [as] " you are gonna make some woman really happy one day ".

["you are gonna ..." is code for your not hot enough for them and women pick this sort of thing up fast. They will throw you in the looser bucket right off. Now I know this might be pessin you off, but I am trying to help you out here...]

im one of the genuine guys left out there, i always put others needs before my own, I try and help with any situation cause I have a big heart. I try [to be] and be a gentleman given the opportunity [who has to give you the opportunity?]. I love to cook and enjoy cooking for others.[I do too]

italian background but born here, and just the everyday friendly guy that boosts people's spirits when they are down low. I'm the guy that goes out of their way for another person regardless of how well I know that individual. I'm the type that brings a laugh and smile to people in general cause that is my character. I'm the guy you can bring home to your parents.

[starting to be a little thick, and moving closer and closer to the wimp most women don't want (but that is totally a value judgement, my opinion, and if that is truely the way you are, then you are being honest, and that is a very good thing)]

I tell it like it is but without the bluntness. I especially enjoy being around my friends and family, they are what keeps me going. im somewhat of a social butterfly and i love going into the city (toronto) as much as i can...... also a bit of a pool junkie, i love to play. [ all good]

I like women the same way I enjoy my food.... sweet, wholesome and goes straight to my heart[heh, like a cheesburger and hardend arteries? :)]. I am a sucker for a pretty face and an even bigger sucker for a really nice pair of eyes.

The type of woman i am looking for, is one who is wholesome, very kind hearted, family orientated, has a good head on their shoulders and has an ambition and drive to succeed in life. someone who has a great sense of humor and loves to laugh is a must, someone who doesn[']t mind staying in and watching a good movie and cuddling on the couch. if they [continue with the use of the singular here and personalize it by saying "you"]are a little shy i tend to be more drawn to them[this sounds like you are looking for clingy women that may have esteem issues, I would shorten up this sentence if if must stay"I like shy women" perhaps].

As for the physical aspect of what i like, someone who is in a decent shape, i know no one is perfect and i don[']t expect them to be... personally i like a little around the sides. [I would loose this whole paragraph. ]

bonus points if you are a family guy[Family Guy] & south part[South Park] fan.[I cringed when I read that the first time. "...if you are a family guy & south part" AAHHHHH!!!

Good luck man, and just remember I am giving you some feedback to as to improve your profile. I did not spend all this time writting this with anything other than wanting to help you out. Your going to do fine.
 thebigslim
Joined: 9/27/2005
Msg: 5
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probably need to re-vamp the profile... again
Posted: 7/29/2008 11:40:57 AM
and i thank you very much for the feedback i was looking for .... i will begin editing my profile accordingly ... kudos to you for being honest and breaking it down entirely
 WhiteWaterRogue
Joined: 4/3/2007
Msg: 6
probably need to re-vamp the profile... again
Posted: 7/29/2008 1:44:32 PM
Major improvement man.

Just a couple more things and I am ought-a-here.

You still use i.

You might consider adding some detail about your interests.

At the end of your description, try to bring it back to "you", personally reach out to the reader. Your last statement here is cuddling on the couch. You might want something (with more creativity than I am going to say)"So if any of this sounds good to you, let me know, I would love to hear from you." Move her to act, rather than sit on the couch at this point.

Also, see your First Date below:
im happy with meeting up for a coffee or go to a nice resturant (i know a few select good spots) then just see where the evening goes from there, nothing really planned out, as long as I can spend time with a woman and get to know her in depth. the conversation has to be there, if it isnt....then it isnt worth the time.

"...I can spend time with a woman and get to know her in depth. " You might try:
"I would like to spend time with you to get to know you for who you really are; but then that is just the first date, isn't it?...". Again, it is bringing it back to a personal appeal to the individual reading, not the abstract "woman".

Finally, and this is it! I mean it...:) your header could use some creativity. "Help Wanted.... Apply within" Women don't want to help you, and it is a bit tacky too. Yes, I know this is the Pond, that we are advertising, but... Put some thought into your header as it is RIGHT there when people search and open your profile.

Happy fishing dewd.
 thebigslim
Joined: 9/27/2005
Msg: 7
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probably need to re-vamp the profile... again
Posted: 7/29/2008 5:51:45 PM
well now that all of that is settled.. lets see what i can reel in with my new bait eh?

thank you once again for all your help, cheers!
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