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Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > What is it with 50+ women and wanting to stay single???      Home login  
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 justwant2no
Joined: 11/14/2007
Msg: 2
What is it with 50+ women and wanting to stay single???Page 1 of 18    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18)
What is so important to you about getting married? At 46 I am perfectly content to 'live in sin' for the rest of my days. (The more 'sin' the better! ;-)
Ask yourself what is it about your relationships (you say you've had three?) that marriage would have improved. How? It's not like you're planning on having kids - so what do you need a piece of paper for? Although, I have to say - if you are more committed to the idea of marriage than you were to any of those women, it's just as well you are no longer together!
 rossal
Joined: 12/5/2005
Msg: 6
What is it with 50+ women and wanting to stay single???
Posted: 8/1/2008 11:04:22 AM
I would get married YESTERDAY, if I could find what/who I want.

I cannot even find a man for friendship; seems the majority of the want to send endless messages. I believe in cutting to the chase.....interested in me? Let's talk on the phone and decide if we'd like to meet.

The last guy writes; Too bad you aren't here (at a festival); we could share a shish-ka-bob

Now I ask you!!?? Is that simply information or is he inviting me...duhhhh

Eyeballs rolling.....Rossal
 rustytraveler
Joined: 4/30/2007
Msg: 12
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What is it with 50+ women and wanting to stay single???
Posted: 8/1/2008 1:13:01 PM
notwow, I think Deborah said it best.... " Sometimes I like the IDEA of something better than the REALITY of it."

But it's not just the official marrying but the....moving, changing, giving up something you've maybe worked hard to get just the way you like, the neighborhood, the kids/relatives and their opinions, the money and just more change, change, change.....with someone or anyone that you may not be up to risking 'everything' for again.

I know I never want to marry again....would be more than happy to trip along in sin or even move or move in (I think)... but what would I do with my furniture? While your spirit may still be Holly Golightly.... the back may balk.

Maybe this is a good thing? I hear many men on here too, that don't want to give up the lives they've created after divorce or the death of a spouse..... except that they are usually say "Ohh Hell NO! I'm not bendin' for nobody!"
So it's actually nice to hear YOU say ya wanna ;-).

But hey...Care to move to Italy, we'll get a place together or....move to Spain, haven't been there yet.... with my furniture, ok?
 SueCat51
Joined: 8/11/2007
Msg: 13
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What is it with 50+ women and wanting to stay single???
Posted: 8/1/2008 3:32:38 PM
I'm 50+ and don't know if I want to remarry. Part of me likes the idea, and part of me wants to head for the hills. For me, I think it comes to "expectations" within a marriage. If being married means that I've got to work, cook, clean, do laundry, and "take care" of a man, than marriage isn't for me. If being married means that we both work our jobs, share the household chores, travel together, and sharing our lives together, perhaps its a possibility. There are a lot of people (men & women) who want to be "taken care of", yet give nothing in return.

I also value "me" time, and am not sure if some men can understand that. For the most part, as far as I'm concerned, it's finding someone with whom I can be on the same page with, in our lives. That just hasn't happened.
 JerseyGirl2008
Joined: 12/27/2007
Msg: 14
What is it with 50+ women and wanting to stay single???
Posted: 8/1/2008 4:07:55 PM
To me, it's just a whole lot of work with very little given back in return. I like coming home and not having to make someone's dinner or deal with their drama, to be honest.

It may sound selfish, but it's all I've done since I was young and quite honestly, I don't care to revisit that again in this lifetime.
 clasact
Joined: 1/18/2008
Msg: 18
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What is it with 50+ women and wanting to stay single???
Posted: 8/1/2008 4:42:15 PM

how can I avoid being jaded the next time someone tells me that too is their goal.
Treat them as the individuals that they are.



How can I avoid that back of mind feeling that the intention is either not honest, or that it will probably change?
Relax, don't take everything SO seriously. You might stop trying so hard but that goes along with the "relax" thing^.


Now wait a minute...did I just say Sam Elliot was proposing to moi?????? Dang! Talk about shooting yourself in the foot. Haha. But seriously (and believe it or not), I would still have to say no to Sammy baby (*sigh*)

If you don't want him *oldsoul* pass him this way. :laugh:
 Tinkerbell201
Joined: 7/25/2007
Msg: 20
What is it with 50+ women and wanting to stay single???
Posted: 8/1/2008 6:48:05 PM
I'm with message #2 (your first reply.
What is so important to you about getting married?


Sure it makes sense when you are having children together, and there can be legal reasons in terms of property and benefits, but, most of this can be worked out through other legal means outside of "matrimony". If you have a commitment with the woman and she loves you and you feel the same way, how is the piece of paper going to change things? From what I have observed, common law relationships seem to have a longer shelf life than marriages.
 Moonchild51
Joined: 3/11/2007
Msg: 21
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What is it with 50+ women and wanting to stay single???
Posted: 8/1/2008 8:21:46 PM
I have worked long and hard for what I own, or more what the bank owns today. lol
And I am hell bent and determined that I will in fact hold on to it. Having said that, and Jesus bless me? If I met a man whom I found myself totally in tune with? I really don't know what I would do!
 Rythmn
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 22
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What is it with 50+ women and wanting to stay single???
Posted: 8/1/2008 8:22:20 PM
op, there is theory and there is practice. theoretically i have envisioned remarrying . however, the older people get, the less likely they are willing to give up their lives and run to a strange place. they would have to jive in wants and willingness to assume different responsibilities, they would have to negotiate space and private lives. if one were to move and not the other, it would be the "other person's space" and the arriving party would not have had a say in putting it together and "owning" their part of the deal. i imagine this is why.

people are not willing to put the time and space into learning about each other. many don't have the communication skills and the stamina to sort through the forseen grueling details, let alone the unforseen. i can only aliken it to a business partnership. you have this great vision of what you want it to be, but some do not negotiate "beforehand" and then suddenly they find themselves SCREWED.

that fact is that this takes more than chemistry and more than friendship and even if you are fortunate enough to have found love, it takes more than that. many people as they get older don't have the brains or the patience to do the WORK to lead to successful recoupling and then there are the ones who "think" they've done the work, get burned and just have the ____kicked out of them to the degree that they have nothing left.

so, the women you are meeting, probably view their choices as "prevention". if it makes you feel any better, the man i just broke up with was the same way. why is it, they all don't meet and get it on "together". perhaps they like the other aspects that an old fashioned person has to offer. cake and eat it too scenario!

ps i also want to make it clear, that i never was a traditional wife, but i have heard from friends that some men expect that role to be assumed and they will NOT comply. cannot comment from that perspective. i had 50-50 marriages.
 Tinkerbell201
Joined: 7/25/2007
Msg: 26
What is it with 50+ women and wanting to stay single???
Posted: 8/1/2008 10:41:18 PM
Ok, what is up with the whole Sam Elliot thing? Is this a cultural difference that I don't understand? Please explain.
 Sapphireeyes
Joined: 1/13/2008
Msg: 30
What is it with 50+ women and wanting to stay single???
Posted: 8/2/2008 12:25:25 AM
OP, I think they are saying you will do until they find Mr. Right.

Personally Im a tad shocked at the people who say they dont want marriage or to live with someone and have long term relationship on their profile...that sorta blews me away and I can understand why people will be confused.
 cally6196
Joined: 6/21/2007
Msg: 31
What is it with 50+ women and wanting to stay single???
Posted: 8/2/2008 12:52:31 AM
I personally am sick of being alone. I know Gods purpose was to have male and female together and I firmly believe that is how life was meant to be. However, I only seem to find men who want to have a "romp in the hay". My question to all the folks out there who are getting older, as we are all..."Wots so great about growing old alone?" I hope I am not still online say in ten years looking for the love of my life, that would seem such a waste.

There is nothing better than having someone to share your life with, your thoughts with and your dreams. I will keep on dreaming that he is out there.
 ForumFilly
Joined: 5/14/2008
Msg: 32
What is it with 50+ women and wanting to stay single???
Posted: 8/2/2008 1:27:02 AM
OP, I've thought about the possibility of getting married again and I'm very much undecided. If I fell madly in love with a fabulous man who adored me and being married was important to him, I would certainly consider it. Now, what is perfect for me is casually dating someone. Each of us having our own homes and our space. We come together when it's convenient for both of us. No pressure, no jealousy, no expectations.

I really can't say why these women would profess to want to eventually marry and then change their minds. The only reason I can come up with is that they are being somewhat deceitful initially. They are looking for men who are sincere and monogamous. By proclaiming they hope to marry some day, they are weeding out men who have a much more casual take on relationships and finding the ones who aren't afraid of total commitment. What they really are interested in is a pseudo-marriage, ie., a monogamous, longterm relationship where each has their own home. They are pulling a 'bait and switch' on men who truly want to marry again.

I could be way off base, but this was the only explanation I could come up with as to why they would still want to continue a relationship with you, yet 'suddenly' decide that marriage isn't for them.

And, yes, Sam Elliott is the epitome of gorgeous. Oh, to be Katherine Ross! Sigh!
 wishfulthinkn
Joined: 5/24/2008
Msg: 33
What is it with 50+ women and wanting to stay single???
Posted: 8/2/2008 3:23:51 AM

So, seeing I DO want a long term relationship that includes marriage, how can I avoid being jaded the next time someone tells me that too is their goal. How can I avoid that back of mind feeling that the intention is either not honest, or that it will probably change?

How can I avoid being that callous?


you avoid jaded attitudes, lack of trust, and callousness by being patient, forgiving, loving and tolerant. if you can't muster those qualities all the time (and who can), then you might pray for them or meditate on them. that in a nutshell is how you do it. simple but hard. perfectly imperfect. good luck. oh, by the way, take it from me, marriage is waaaaay overrated. lol
 woobytoodsday
Joined: 12/13/2006
Msg: 34
What is it with 50+ women and wanting to stay single???
Posted: 8/2/2008 5:27:04 AM
OPie, hard to say. In my fifties I wasn't really much thinking one way or the other. Got involved with a lovely, funny, cute as hell fella. We had a great time, etc. Would I have liked to continue it? You bet. Would I *ever* have married him, not in this lifetime. He was a bloody financial disaster waiting to happen. Never saw *anyone* with less sense about money. (Man literally went hungry the last week before his disability check. And he was getting about triple what I was managing on.) But I didn't end it, he did.

If I were you, I'd do -- first -- a fearless personal inventory to find out if you have some pretty obvious flaw that's keeping ladies from walking down the aisle with you. Finally, cut 'em loose as soon as it's obvious that they don't want marriage (if you continue to want it). Life is *always* a matter of sorting priorities, and keeping yourself from being distracted.

Good fishin'!!

 Green Sangha
Joined: 3/12/2008
Msg: 36
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What is it with 50+ women and wanting to stay single???
Posted: 8/2/2008 12:49:34 PM
I don't agree that 50+women necessarily want to stay single any more than want to be married. I think some women want to be married and others not. What I think is true is that by the age of 50 women are done with all the bullsh*t of being in relationships that don't really satisfy and nourish them emotionally. Some would rather be single than take care of someone who can't take care of himself, or would rather not pick up after someone else, or listen to his bad jokes, or whatever character "defects" annoy her. It is easier to tolerate anyone when there is the right amount of distance.

Also, making a relationship work takes work, and women tend to be the ones who work harder at maintaining a relationship, and sometimes we are just tired of working.

On the other hand, some of us wish we could be married in a mutually satisfying relationship with enough compatibility, enough time for "us" and enough time apart pursuing separate interests. Finding it is difficult and it interferes with just enjoying the life we have, which may be why some women choose singleness and solitude and an independent life.
 foxy_56
Joined: 5/27/2008
Msg: 37
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What is it with 50+ women and wanting to stay single???
Posted: 8/2/2008 1:23:33 PM
This is great. A place where each of us get's to post what we think and feel. About us women that wish not to marry when we are 50+! We have come a very long way. From whatever our past involved, bad or abusive marriage, divorced, single parenting, long term relationship gone down the tubes. What ever it may be we (us woman) have lived in this man's world for a very long time and maybe, just maybe, after all the sacrificing, taking care of, fixing or mending anything from a shirt to a broken heart, we feel the need to take this time for ourselves. One of these ladie's hit it right on the head. Why do we need to give up everything we have worked for including friends and free time to put ourselves right back where we left? Myself, I like to go to work. Being able to stop somewhere after work without someone looking for me is a gift that I haven't had in years. If I don't feel like cooking when I go home in the evening's, that is ok...no one is there to complain! The only one that has been in my life and has taken me as I come, loved me even though is my dog. Sounds pretty dumb ha? But it is the truth. Sure, I would love to have someone to hang with on the weekend, maybe catch a movie, go to the lake, maybe a cold beverage or a cup of coffee. But don't start calling me three days in advance to begin planning it....nor pressure me into having my entire day planned around it. Sound selfish...absolutely!! I deserve to be selfish at this point in my life. My own children tell me that it is time for me to think about myself. I have cooked many many meals, soothed many boo boo's, stayed up plenty of nights worrying, given up something I wanted so someone I love could have it instead. Sure, I can go on and on.
I am not angry, nor am I a ..... well can't say that on these sights. I am just another 50+ woman who just doesn't want to settle for less. Don't want to give that feeling up. Not looking for someone else to answer to nor take care of either. Today isn't like it was when I was growing up....things have changed...and I feel that woman have the right to change as well. So guys....if you want to find a partner...have a life outside of her and it may work. We all have had go give up alot along the way to these fabulous 50's. This should be the time in our lives, if the opportunity arises, to enjoy it fully. So stop complaining and be grateful. Hey, I may wind up being along for the rest of my life as well because I think this way...but I like myself and enjoy my company...and by the time I am too old for much of anything...I am sure society will have created or formed a place where we can all hang out together and share these stories. May even see you there!

:modhammer: :modhammer: :modhammer:
 foxy_56
Joined: 5/27/2008
Msg: 38
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What is it with 50+ women and wanting to stay single???
Posted: 8/2/2008 1:34:04 PM
Can I say one more thing? Please!? You know the ol saying "You can't have your cake and eat it too!" Well they have taken the 't off the second word in that sentence. It has been redefined. LOL
 deere rancher
Joined: 7/9/2008
Msg: 39
What is it with 50+ women and wanting to stay single???
Posted: 8/2/2008 1:58:20 PM
HATE TO SAY IT
BUT THERE JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU
WOMEN LIKE TO KEEP A BACKUP IN CASE THEIR PLANS BLOW UP
BET YOU DINNER SHE'S STILL LOOKING
LET HER GO
 Branes
Joined: 7/27/2006
Msg: 40
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What is it with 50+ women and wanting to stay single???
Posted: 8/2/2008 2:05:58 PM
I could care less about the piece of paper. But I do want someone to live with and to share the remaining years of our lives together. Having had a wonderful 9 year marriage and becoming a widower over 2 years ago, I yearn for the companionship, partnership and comraderie of a life partner. And I believe entirely in sharing household responsibilities. Or doing them together, which is infinitely more fun, especially cooking. And ladies, I enjoy shopping, know how to separate laundry and even change the toilet paper roll. Oh, and the seat stays down.
We even had two remotes..his/hers. Remote wars was fun. :)
 hartshaped
Joined: 6/22/2008
Msg: 47
What is it with 50+ women and wanting to stay single???
Posted: 8/3/2008 4:31:46 PM
OP....... Regardless of the age, couples begin to blend and lose their individualities, particularly women. When I stopped and took note of my personal life I realized that had happened to me. I do not wish to become a nurse, a purse or become so immeshed with a partner that I lose myself again. So, like the previous poster, just give me a good friend that likes to have fun, sex and has some common interests and I will be content as long as he returns to his home and I return to mine..
 tnt2024
Joined: 12/18/2007
Msg: 48
What is it with 50+ women and wanting to stay single???
Posted: 8/3/2008 4:33:20 PM
At 47 and only one divorce...the first reason would be money. I have split my money once and not again...cant afford to start over. The next is like cutenurselaughing said. I find myself in relationships where they are always coming to my house and expecting dinner. Now I love cooking but I am still working and so is he...but it seems the woman is still expected to do all the wifely duties. I want to go and have fun, enjoy each other...not shop, cook and clean...yuk! The only way I would ever get married would be for sharing medical expenses....double coverage??? no co-pays? no out of pocket for prescriptions??? Now...that would be heaven. I wish I was gay because you just enter a domestic relationship and get that...but you still don't have to marry them! lucky them! lol I would love to live in sin though! ha ha Whats this country coming to????
 CompletelyDone
Joined: 8/12/2007
Msg: 49
What is it with 50+ women and wanting to stay single???
Posted: 8/3/2008 5:22:00 PM

What is it with 50+ women and wanting to stay single???


It's not just 50+ women OP. It's a rather startling eye-opener when one first realizes that beyond the child-creating years, people who want marriage are increasingly rare. You might want to visit the posts that discuss why people seem more inclined to prefer common-law arrangements or being exclusive but living apart from one another.


So, seeing I DO want a long term relationship that includes marriage, how can I avoid being jaded the next time someone tells me that too is their goal.


You and you are alone are in charge of the way you choose to react to ALL of the information that flows into your realities. Becoming "jaded" is about all of the feelings that accompany not getting what you want... the anger, the frustration, the disappointment, etc. You could just as easily be accepting of the fact that it is now part of your information that people don't always know how they feel about something until they're actually right there considering the possibility of being married to you. In that situation, it goes from being something they "think" they would like (because it's "out there" somewhere) to being something they "know" they don't want (because it's right in front of them). The beauty of feeling your own power in this life is being able to choose how you react.

You can't un-know the information that you now have. Your choices lie in your reactions to that information.


How can I avoid that back of mind feeling that the intention is either not honest, or that it will probably change?


People that aren't in touch with their wants are not necessarily being "dishonest" when they say they want one thing and then, down the road, tell you they don't. I don't think that many people take much time to really pull out their own stuff and look at it enough to be able to be honest OR dishonest about what they want.

I think overall that this is one of the reasons it's a darn good idea not to invest much emotionally in someone until the basics of where you each want to go in the relationship have been firmly established and that means taking a lot more time than just 3 months... While this may seem disappointing, you can also be sure that when what you share with someone else is really right, there will be no stopping the deepening commitment to one another.
 CompletelyDone
Joined: 8/12/2007
Msg: 54
What is it with 50+ women and wanting to stay single???
Posted: 8/4/2008 10:43:17 AM

I'm sure that there are those men and women who wish to stay single,but I think that for most of us,once something hasn't exactly worked out the way we were hoping and planning, become "shy". You're very scared. A terrible amount of thought is running through your head,now. After you've been hurt,any start to a new relationship is VERY slow. I suppose you've become very cautious. This is exactly how I feel. I can't afford to mess this one up.


Sometimes, I think many of us came away from our previous relationship breakdowns feeling that we can't trust our own judgment. This is particularly true when we measure by "outcome". When we measure by outcome, as opposed to measuring by the quality of the journey itself, we tend to think that because things didn't work out, we need to stop trusting our own perceptions of others. This is equally true when things do work out. If, our marriage or relationship was still happy and going strong, we'd be thinking, "I made a good decision when I chose my partner. My gut instincts are good and they have led me to where I am supposed to be'. Similarly, when a relationship suddenly shatters, we think we made poor decisions and our gut-knows are outta whack. (Admittedly, sometimes they are....)...

When fear is the primary decision-maker in our lives, I think it's really important for us to weigh its validity. For instance, what are the chances we are ever again going to be the age we were when we last made a bad decision about having someone in our lives and how many of those circumstances are still true now? We'd have to be thinking we learned absolutely nothing in the very process of disappointment and heartache that can sometimes, be our greatest teacher. If we didn't learn anything and nothing has changed in ourselves, then maybe the fear is valid. But if we learned significant things about ourselves and what we needed, then outcome has very little to do with it and invalid fears are running our show.. perhaps, keeping us from being the naturally loving and lively people we want to be...

I have 100's of reasons for being scared of ever getting close to another human being ever again. I met a sociopath over the net who terrorized me for 6 years. I didn't even know there was such a thing before I met him and it was only afterward that I learned he was formally diagnosed with this disorder. Like a deer in the headlights, I got stuck in the "freeze" condition that I am now having to take rather intensive therapy to get free from. It's comfortable.. there in the freeze.. It's a no-risk place and while I'm there, I have no reason whatsoever to want to come out of it except one... It isn't me... It's part of my own lifeforce to be a loving, compassionate person who laughs hearty, cries for others, gets all wound up in a blizzard of my own feelings and has to fight her way out of them... alive, feisty and more than up to the risk of loving someone no matter what the outcome... I just have to fight now to come out of the "freeze"...

Is it worth it? I believe with my whole heart that it is... I believe that somewhere out yonder is the guy who like me, deserves someone who is "unstuck" and capable of loving without letting his fears dominate everything we do. But first, I have to turn back into me... just a freer me...
 bcsofnc57
Joined: 11/20/2007
Msg: 61
What is it with 50+ women and wanting to stay single???
Posted: 8/5/2008 6:10:39 PM
I really don't know why women are like that, but I do know a few that say they want to just be with one man but not get married.

Just don't get jaded. Don't let others change you. It is just that simple. Unless of course you have dated every woman on earth, and they are all the same, and I know that you haven't dated all of them.

I am 51 and at our age, once you meet someone, and you both feel you love and care for the each other, I don't see the point in a lot of dating. Life is short, so go for it.

Yes, I want to get married for real. I want to know what it is like to have someone that I know will always be there. I want to see the same person every morning when I wake up, and for them to be the person I snuggle up to at night, after sex. Yes you can do that without marriage, but it just isn't the same.

To me independence means you can take care of yourself. You can do that and be married. As to freedom, the only freedom you have when you are single is the freedom to be alone, and plenty of time to do busy things to fill the voids of your life caused by being single.

In a situation like the one you give, I would break it of. What's the point when you aren't on the same page?
Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > What is it with 50+ women and wanting to stay single???