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 Rythmn
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 1
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dating and sexual monogamyPage 1 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
now that i am back in the "dating field" (stepping carefully over land mines), i am finding the older i get, the more confused i get. to me, sexual intimacy and monogamy go hand in hand. i also have to have some inkling that i am not travelling the path of friends with benefits. until recently i thought that monogamous relationships negated FWB. but apparently there are more and more older people who want to lead their separate lives, find partnering too difficult, and yet will accept the companionship and sexual intimacy with someone they "care deeply" for , but do not "love".

my definition of love includes romantic love, but i know enough that romantic love cannot just plateau and stay high all the time. it waxes and wanes and it's the other kinds of love that sustain it. over time, i have been talked into the notion that you can be monogamous and love someone and even live in your own separate spaces, if other considerations enter into this choice.

i also see the opposite where people who have lost loved ones and are feeling alone, will rush to fill the void and call it love. but don't really love the partner, but the feeling that the partner gives them.

however, i am confused as to what is perceived as my old fashioned values. to me, i cannot be sexual with more than one person at a time, would need to seriously know that person and decide if at least our goals are somewhat meshable, hope or foresee that the caring leads to love, meaning i am loved for who i "am" and vice versa--and finally--also experience the waxing and waning of that "feeling" called love.

i wonder how many other people in the late 40's, 50's and alas i am soon to be 60--feel about this? also, i am talking about still being passionate and sexual, just not wanting to spread it around like fertilizer on the lawn! for those who say, they no longer have these feelings, then what are you looking for? just companionship or activity partners? someone to fill your needs and if not, oh well?

i know that today's times espouses separating one's sexuality from the rest of it? but it's so much better when you have the whole package! for me, my soul goes into intimate connections. i am just not ready to give of my soul so freely.

what are my peers thinking about this? i wanted to seperate this from the younger folk responses.
 TxSippiGal
Joined: 9/30/2007
Msg: 2
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dating and sexual monogamy
Posted: 8/1/2008 6:56:05 PM
I have been tempted to enter into a FWB situation.. with a guy.. who I don't think I could ever be with LT.. because we want different things in our lives.. but we are drawn to one another. Besides the chemistry there is a true attraction.

I want to meet men who want what I want..

So this FWB seems to conflict we what I really want.. which is a LTR with one man.. and I want that LTR to be marriage.

But I have to admit the FWB is very tempting.. have compaionship can travel a little bit together.. but don't have to live together.. not under each other's feet all the time.. I can see how people would want this.
 Sapphireeyes
Joined: 1/13/2008
Msg: 3
dating and sexual monogamy
Posted: 8/2/2008 12:44:16 AM


For every 10 people who advocate sex without attachment there are 50 others who advocate without attachment there is no sex.

While some are into hedonism, others are into the pleasure of a person's intellect, personality, verbal expression, etc. which creates closeness and displays of physical affection.


^^ I really liked the way you worded that.

I have had tons of guys around the age of 50 tell me that they are now like a kid in a candy store and have alot of the local women just throwing themselves at them, they dont see why they should have to choose one when they can stay single and have so many...to me that is just empty...I think I would have more fun with BOB than a disconnected individual like that.

I keep thinking that if you involve yourself with someone who you arent sure is the right person...what happens when the right person comes along and you never saw them cause you have build a life that is close to what you want...for me I would rather not distract myself with someone who isnt who I want.

IMO I dont think the guys or the girls are happy with what they are doing, I think they have convinced themselves that it is a better life than they had with their ex's but I think if they truly look deep down they would realize that they are trading off something special for sex.
 woobytoodsday
Joined: 12/13/2006
Msg: 4
dating and sexual monogamy
Posted: 8/2/2008 3:12:56 AM
I had a few problems with matching up with like minded fellas in my fifties. Sixty plus has been a dream, lol! One did not want to be *married,* but he did want long-term, live in, exclusive, and we did okay with that right up until he died. My current love matches perfectly. He wants marriage, and love, and forever. Feels fine to me, and that's what we're planning. We are also taking our time, and that feels good, too.

I think the solution (perhaps), at least for PoF is to be perfectly clear about what you're looking for, and don't let fellas who *aren't* looking for at least something similar last too long, lest you start talkin' yourself into hoping that the stuff you don't want will turn into the stuff you do. . . .

 TxSippiGal
Joined: 9/30/2007
Msg: 5
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dating and sexual monogamy
Posted: 8/2/2008 9:50:43 AM
I posted earlier on this subject but have been thinking more about it and wanted to do another post so here it is:



now that i am back in the "dating field" (stepping carefully over land mines), i am finding the older i get, the more confused i get. to me, sexual intimacy and monogamy go hand in hand. i also have to have some inkling that i am not travelling the path of friends with benefits. until recently i thought that monogamous relationships negated FWB. but apparently there are more and more older people who want to lead their separate lives, find partnering too difficult, and yet will accept the companionship and sexual intimacy with someone they "care deeply" for , but do not "love".


I really thought I had my attitudes all worked out about this subject till recently. I have considered becoming involved in a "FWB" relationship. I call it a "relationship" because we are friends and there is much chemistry between us both as friends and sexually.

If I continue my "relationship" with this lovely person I am sure it will turn into love over time. I am not sure though that it will ever progress to a LTR. And there in is my delima because I want a LTR, namely marriage. This person does not want to remarry after the pain of the last bad marriage which is understandable.

I believe if I accept this fact, that my FWB partner will not ever want to remarry I can be happy with our status but I do want to meet other potential marriage partners. And he will have to accept that just like I have to accept that he does not want to remarry.

It is my intention to remain monogomous though through this process.. and if I meet someone who I think might become a marriage partner then I would have to end the FWB relationship.



my definition of love includes romantic love, but i know enough that romantic love cannot just plateau and stay high all the time. it waxes and wanes and it's the other kinds of love that sustain it. over time, i have been talked into the notion that you can be monogamous and love someone and even live in your own separate spaces, if other considerations enter into this choice.


For my situation not only do I consider romatic love a part of love but also accepting another's limitations as being a part of love and I would expect the same from my partner. He does not want to remarry.. I do.. so I must accept his decision he has made for himself and he must accept mine..



i also see the opposite where people who have lost loved ones and are feeling alone, will rush to fill the void and call it love. but don't really love the partner, but the feeling that the partner gives them.


And I can think this would work very well for those who are willing to accept the limitations of the situation.



however, i am confused as to what is perceived as my old fashioned values. to me, i cannot be sexual with more than one person at a time, would need to seriously know that person and decide if at least our goals are somewhat meshable, hope or foresee that the caring leads to love, meaning i am loved for who i "am" and vice versa--and finally--also experience the waxing and waning of that "feeling" called love.


I totally agree girlfriend!!! But for me this would be with someone I am considering marriage not a FWB relationship. For a FWB our goals would not be meshable that is why they were merely a FWB status instead of an LTR. I would be accepting in a FWB that our goals will never be meshable with my eyes still set on finding someone who would be a LTR with marriage.



i wonder how many other people in the late 40's, 50's and alas i am soon to be 60--feel about this? also, i am talking about still being passionate and sexual, just not wanting to spread it around like fertilizer on the lawn! for those who say, they no longer have these feelings, then what are you looking for? just companionship or activity partners? someone to fill your needs and if not, oh well?


I have just realized that awakening of my passion after a long hiatus but I too don't want to spread it around like fertilizer on the lawn.. the monogomous partnership still is that I desire.. and for me that isn't necessarily because of jealousy on my part but jealousy on another partner's part. I have no desire at this stage in my life to become involved in a love triangle or have my tires slashed.. or other such drama. I want things kept contained, clean, and neat.. but there is a gamble here with anyone especially a FWB.



i know that today's times espouses separating one's sexuality from the rest of it? but it's so much better when you have the whole package! for me, my soul goes into intimate connections. i am just not ready to give of my soul so freely.


This is a real good thought.. and I think bears some consideration.. I am changing my opinion somewhat because I am thinking that maybe choosing not to be tied soulishly to another is possible. To me the FWB would not be devoid of caring, nurturing, etc. but there would be a boundary.. set up.. that would not be violated.. that boundary of ownership.. entitlement.. which would go to a certain extent on an emotional level with a marrige ..

I myself believe that a FWB relationship can be exlusive and monogomous contengent on the fact that both parties agree to make it that way and upon their interest in another person would let the other party know.. but not sure people are that honest.. I know I am.. but who knows.

It is a dangerous game I think to do the FWB.. I have done it before.. and had a wonderful 3 year relationship that started out as a FWB and turned into a wonderful love affair and conpanionship arrangement that lasted 3 years. We started out purely sexual and ended up loving one another very deeply.

And.. I will say this.. I have met men who I would consider FWB only.. and never marriage.. and men who I would consider no FWB and only marriage.. which is weird to me.. but to me the FWB partner would be a way to get some sexual satisfaction.. tenderness.. companionship.. and concern while looking for what I really want in the long term.
 SueCat51
Joined: 8/11/2007
Msg: 6
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dating and sexual monogamy
Posted: 8/2/2008 10:17:10 AM
OP - I wouldn't worry about what others think, after all they aren't living your life. You have to do what you feel is comfortable. We're way beyond high school, and past the age of seeking approvals from others. You also have to know what your value system is, and stand by it.

If I'm going to be physically intimate, I do expect monogamy, call me old fashioned, but those are my values and I don't back down. Physical intimacy for me doesn't come into the picture until a fella and I mututally agree that we're going to be exclusive.
 c_deacon
Joined: 3/13/2005
Msg: 7
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dating and sexual monogamy
Posted: 8/2/2008 10:32:30 AM
Never settle for less?????? Is that not what about half of your comments advocates?

Dating is just that and each and every person that dates another will have their reasons and style, and that is what dating is all about.

Being sexual becomes the natural progression when dating, if the two of you match in such a way as to desire it. This is not rocket science, but much more about nature showing us the way it has been since man first dragged his knuckles on the ground.....

Having sex with one at a time is awesome, if and when you can find others that will do that along with you, and not add all their own interpretations, and expectations to the mix of dating and being sexual.

Some have to add the "L" word to the mix in order to feel "right" about having sex with another, and others demand that they have a ring on their finger, and a contract to legalize it all in their minds.

Still others believe that the only way to feel comfortable about sex and their sexuality is to make sure that they say the "L" word and bed just that person, and have them do the same thing for them.

What are the majority of us suppose to do in the mean time while living life, taking care of family and friends, but not "in love" with anyone, dating some, wanting one, but not there yet?

Some are very damaged with the "love" game, and just can not go there anymore. Does it mean that they do not care? Or are not concerned? Or not be able to treat those they know and date with respect and the quality that we all so want?

There are some of us that take care of our bodies, make sure that we are clean and healthy, and insist on those we are intimate with, be the same way. I would prefer to hear that the one I am with say how clean and healthy they are over that they think they "love" me, but have not done all those things to make sure that they come to me whole and healthy, and if they leave, it will be the same way......

I have always stated and will continue to state that getting laid is easy, but getting laid by the right person(s), much more difficult, and that is what dating is all about........finding the right one......and that can happen on many levels, and in many ways, with more than one person.

Life is but a journey that has only one destination, and for me, the journey is what I am enjoying, not the end of the road......

Just my opinion.......
 Sapphireeyes
Joined: 1/13/2008
Msg: 8
dating and sexual monogamy
Posted: 8/2/2008 11:33:22 AM
It is funny how as Adults we will argue wrongs to make them seem right, sugar coat them...viable options ...but the bottom line is...they are still wrong. I also realize those that have chosen this path will want to argue and say it is their right...but I still believe if they look deep inside they will see how empty they are...

I talked with one guy on POF who told me he had slept with over 42 different women in 07..42...he laughed and said they were passing each other on the street in front of his house. He also said he would never use a condom cause it limits his ability to perform. He doesnt tell them he is looking for a hook up ...he has long term on his profile, He told me this by IM the first time we talked...he had had a bit much to drink. He JUSTIFIED this as his ex-wife fooled around on him. Do you think any of the 42 actually thought deep down inside they were the one?

I know another guy local who has slept with over 30 this year..it's August..he also has long term on his profile. He has deluded himself into thinking he is servicing the NEEDY...told me how some of these women just havent had sex in years and he convinces them HE is the man for the job... he doesnt use a condom either. Doesnt feel he needs to cause STD dont happen in *our age group, he doesnt care about anyones sexual health...including his own. One woman he romanced for about two months drove in from another state to spend the weekend, he said when she got out of the truck the whole side of the truck went up 18 inches...it didnt stop him from screwing her but it did stop him from having a relationship with her. He sees nothing wrong with his actions...he says he is looking for long term...but he is using his****to find it. Last week he had three different women three nights in a row...do you think any of them really mean anything to him?

These two guys arent even that good looking, just average looking men, neither work out, well maybe their****, but they had a ton of women who are so desperate to have a man that they will sleep first and ask questions later...

I also believe the girls that they are sleeping with that are telling them they havent had sex in so many years are lying...I asked one if there was a counter on their kitty that said last use was ...... The guys say they are selective, but if they are being selective and the women arent...are they really being selective???

I am sure there are equally as many women out there who only want a sexual relationship and use the looking for long term on their profile.

A friend told me how he went to a dating site meeting and was literally considered "fresh meat". It is literally scary how immature people in our age range are...it is almost like they never grew up.

I just feel that I would personally perfer to be alone than to be involved with someone who has such a low self esteem that they have to validate themselves by sex. Dogs rut ...god gave us humans the opportunity to experience so much more..why would you want to lessen it?
 Rythmn
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 9
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dating and sexual monogamy
Posted: 8/2/2008 12:02:14 PM
i'm not ready to reply to all of this as still digesting thoughts, but i would like to clear up some things re my OP. first, i do not "worry" about what others think, i am "interested" in what others think. as a prior strategic planner, i like to get a sense of the climate i am operating in as a newly identified "single". i am always the one to raise her hand in an audience and ask the "stupid question" that everyone else is embarrased to ask. so why not here?

second, when i was in a monogamous relationship (ended just a few weeks ago), it was not your typically defined FWB because neither of us looked or were open to others in that way. plus, i was assured it was not an FWB and the "L" word did eek out a bit here and there on his part, but clearly he carried many past scars into our relationship that i could not "make up" for . we both put definite boundaries up to other men & women in the romantic /sexual sense, but as an extrovert, i maintained many solid "platonic friends" and he was always welcome to meet any of them and in fact, did. same vice versa. so, it would not have been possible for either of us to meet anyone else and then drop each other "once found". that is why we ended. even during one 6 months abstention at our onset, as we both tried to figure this all out, neither of us were with others in that way and we spent even "more" time together. in essence, i have lost my best friend, but cannot keep it going as the sexual and emotional tension at this point would be a deterrant to anyone else entering my life.

third, i think i addressed my concept of love, but it is not a simple "i would die for him", as put forth above. what does that mean? i've risked my life several times for strangers. does that mean, i loved them? and can i live w/o him? yes. that is a separate issue than missing him or missing what we evolved out of, but was too painful to address. to me, it's pretty f'ing simple (sorry, my brooklyn is eeking out). i just needed him to affirm me with the word love. it is a very powerful and life giving word to me. i feel the same about my kids and my friends saying it. i say it to them. the love word to me, is someone else's "OM".

yes, if i stayed with this relationship, it would have been comfortable for him. but i was becoming more and more uncomfortable for me, and i am now willing to risk "being loved" in the way that i find acceptable and comfortable. we were, in essence, living on his terms, not mine. only i thought we were taking it all step by step, and missed the part where i was starting to slide down the staircase. i was too busy looking up.

to me, loving a person is a total array of things related to honoring them as a intelligent, emotional, physical and spiritual being. u look at that person with deep deep feeling and even empathy, even when their actions or frailties or bad days are staring you in the face. i want the same. to me, it's not the same as falling or getting all ga ga. if someone tells me they love me, it's not about what i do for them. it's about me. often that feeling or maybe "ability" motivates a person to do or not do what is needed for the loved one's personal growth and journey.

my ex SO tells me he is crying continually about losing me and his friends are saying if you do not love her, why are you crying? but he cannot say on a consistent basis that he loves me and maybe he needs to start loving himself first anyways. he even created another word as an acceptable compromise. but he stopped using that one too and never could look into my eyes and say it without losing a piece of himself to his memories.

someone else above stated what he needed from a woman and it was not the love word. so be it. my man had things he needed to hear that did not jive with me AT ALL. to use the often cited phrase: we had different love languages. but, as i recently said in another thread, when you speak different languages, each person needs to reach out and address the other in a way they can understand, even if not their language of preference for themselves. i needed to be reached out to in my language and not his. i did do that for him as well.

so, since i can do nothing about any of all this except to risk not having a part of it in search of some greater "wholeness", i have to address why i was attracted him and stuck with the relationship for so long. i have to honestly say, it was very confusing and part of it is the use of the same words with different meanings to different people. also, he was loyal to me within whatever life arrangement he would be able to muster up for anyone. in fact, he tried hard, but he did not have the essence of what i needed. not want, i iterate, but need in terms of maslows hierarchy of needs. and yes, i can "take care of " myself so that is not the point. i am talking about something beyond basics. and i realize that i may never get it, but never would have gotten it, had i remained. so i am a risk taker at this point. i expand my concepts and somtimes my "paradigm" shifts, reading how other people view things like this. this is all about my own personal growth, not worrying about what others "think".
 Rythmn
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 10
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dating and sexual monogamy
Posted: 8/2/2008 7:45:13 PM
boy woodstar, seven years together and seven years of grieving is a big chunk out of your life. it sounds more like a marriage gone awry, as the two of you did live together. they say a man needs 4x more "touching" than a woman to create oxytocin in his body--the bonding hormone. good thing i studied massage therapy on sabattical!

at this age, life is precious to me and i don't think i could have gone on much longer than our 2 1/2 years together and we did NOT live together. i mourn loud and hard and drive myself and everyone around me nuts, while i think things out. but when i let go, i really let go-- and with love, in this instance. no one can ever say i did not try. it's just such a pity. but they say that one must not confuse "pity" with love. my nurturing instincts tend to go overboard in that direction and i have to stop myself.

q ramsey, i kind of get you as to your feelings. it's not the same thing at all, but the day after i broke with my ex, i watched a neighbor's dog "tear apart" a wild baby duck that i had been caring for on our creek. i yelled and then begged the man to stop his dog, he wasn't hunting for food after all. and, this is a protected species. this man just folded his arms and had a look on his face of almost pleasureable indifference. his wife stood by him, also seemingly fascinated, but unmoved by the event. all they had to do was call their dog off. to me, people like this are pure evil and of course, view themselves as the pillars of society. i felt so ALONE after this.

the day before i could have called my S/O. he would have come over and held me in his arms or i could go to him. it took all my spiritual strength to muster up my inner being. there were many things i could have done, but in many ways i was powerless. today i have a camera on hand and i mean business with these two people. i also go down the road and feed the ducks away from my house. it wasn't just the ducks, it became everything about human nature that i abhor. and i was all alone.

there are little things like this that make you appreciate having a partner who cares. it took about a week to get over and if it were a human being like you describe and you witnessed it, i hope you have people to talk to about it. life is not always wild and woolley. sometimes it is hard. but to me, having support from loved ones makes all the difference in the world. i will say this also: several pof buddies also helped me get through this period. some of them, i've never met except via virtual reality. but virtual reality has it's limits. for me, i need a partner to be with during joyous times, peaceful times and also lousy times like this. however, in actual dealing with this type of situation, my S/O was not a protector. he was always worried about stepping on toes. i don't mind sharing that role of protector (as well as nurturer) as i can be quite the lioness. but, occasionally it would be nice to feel protected also, even if just an illusion. this sort of thing is also related to love.
 Rythmn
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 11
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dating and sexual monogamy
Posted: 8/3/2008 8:06:39 PM
i am very weary today from spending time getting to know the iraqui students i have agreed to "host", but i feel compelled amongst the thoughts of war and bloodshed occupying my head for the most part from what i have learned today, to at least make something clear regarding this particular thread:

1. i don't see many negative male comments here, in fact quite the opposite.
2. my concerns are not that i was "used" for sex, far be it from that. or that my ex SO is hopping into someone else's bed as we speak, far from it based upon my knowledge of him.
3. my concern is that mamy people (it seems to me, but maybe i am wrong) are unable to risk vulnerablity and effort and form meaningful and lasting relationships, due to: their past happenings, their fear of victimization, their lack of any "vision" of a successful partnership or communication skills, their settling for the addictive quality of porn and the convenience of rubber devices shaped like penises, their total inability to "Love" and refusal to do the work necessary for commitment (further confusing love with "falling in love").
4. i fear as many people get old, they get too damned bitter and too damned lazy and in addition, many are too damned depressed and self medicating with chemicals and addiction.
5. i think many have forgotten "sex" and have little feeling in them because they don't dare to retrieve it AND i feel many are settling for the fast food variety of sexual gratification w/o the spiritual and emotional bond.
6. i think people look at other humans for what they will receive from them and not in admiration of them and cherishing them for being who they are and wanting to form comprehensive relationships with them for the love of them.
7. to put it another way and in maybe a more sadly humorous light: i am meeting more and more people who are numb, or maybe just becoming "old farts" and for me this is not what i call intimacy.

i cannot speak as a man, but many men i know who are friends, are feeling the same way as me. i guess i felt owning up to my feelings would begin to ferret out those who share my outlook and give me some insight into those who do not--but also do not fit into any of the above "negatives". i think i am beginning to understand...but many who do not share my views, have also led very different lives than i have led. if i were them, i would probably form similar conclusions. so , i now have to ask myself, how do i find someone who shares my values and outlook and i guess i am trying to find my own words to define just what i stand for and what i am looking for. also to be able to identify when someone is not at all coming from my perspective, so i don't repeat my past mistakes.
 Rythmn
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 12
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dating and sexual monogamy
Posted: 8/3/2008 8:07:33 PM
i am very weary today from spending time getting to know the iraqui students i have agreed to "host", but i feel compelled amongst the thoughts of war and bloodshed occupying my head for the most part from what i have learned today, to at least make something clear regarding this particular thread:

1. i don't see many negative male comments here, in fact quite the opposite.
2. my concerns are not that i was "used" for sex, far be it from that. or that my ex SO is hopping into someone else's bed as we speak, far from it based upon my knowledge of him.
3. my concern is that many people (it seems to me, but maybe i am wrong) are unable to risk vulnerablity and effort and form meaningful and lasting relationships, due to: their past happenings, their fear of victimization, their lack of any "vision" of a successful partnership or communication skills, their settling for the addictive quality of porn and the convenience of rubber devices shaped like penises, their total inability to "Love" and refusal to do the work necessary for commitment (further confusing love with "falling in love").
4. i fear as many people get old, they get too damned bitter and too damned lazy and in addition, many are too damned depressed and self medicating with chemicals and addiction.
5. i think many have forgotten "sex" and have little feeling in them because they don't dare to retrieve it AND i feel many are settling for the fast food variety of sexual gratification w/o the spiritual and emotional bond.
6. i think people look at other humans for what they will receive from them and not in admiration of them and cherishing them for being who they are and wanting to form comprehensive relationships with them for the love of them.
7. to put it another way and in maybe a more sadly humorous light: i am meeting more and more people who are numb, or maybe just becoming "old farts" and for me this is not what i call intimacy.

i cannot speak as a man, but many men i know who are friends, are feeling the same way as me. i guess i felt owning up to my feelings would begin to ferret out those who share my outlook and give me some insight into those who do not--but also do not fit into any of the above "negatives". i think i am beginning to understand...but many who do not share my views, have also led very different lives than i have led. if i were them, i would probably form similar conclusions. so , i now have to ask myself, how do i find someone who shares my values and outlook and i guess i am trying to find my own words to define just what i stand for and what i am looking for. also to be able to identify when someone is not at all coming from my perspective, so i don't repeat my past mistakes and instead spend my "later years" in a positive way w/o all this "pain".
 Rythmn
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 14
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dating and sexual monogamy
Posted: 8/3/2008 11:13:41 PM
candylily, you've hit it pretty much on the head. too many childhoods were filled with "don't talk, don't trust, don't feel". some act out, some intellectualize, some emote and some explore and look for role models to make up for what they never had. some give up. some dare to dream....i am allowing myself to do that now. the other stuff just doesn't work for me, even though some of it "sounds good". the fact is, this is not about "men". this is about "women" and "men". that is pretty clear reading most of the male posts on this thread. it is hard and brave to expose your "heart". i say we all go for it!
 Sapphireeyes
Joined: 1/13/2008
Msg: 15
dating and sexual monogamy
Posted: 8/4/2008 12:01:28 PM
Let's say we are dating, i want us to live together, you have to balance my good looks, charming personality, and wild monkey sex against my psyco Ex with a gun stalking me, my drug using juvenile delenquent kids, me raising said kids kids, the roof on my trailer is about to cave in...........what do you do?


Go with you to get a restraining order against the Ex.

Get your kids in rehab, and help you with the kid's kid so they dont end up as drug using juvenile delinquent kids.

Help you fix the roof on the trailer.

Personally if you really had that much going on when would you have found the time to be *dating? So I doubt I would have found myself in a situation where I would have to choose between moving in or losing you. But I do think so many want a perfect world and then when something bad happens...OMG the drama and they bail...stuff is going to happen and IT ISNT IMPORTANT WHO YOU ARE WITH WHEN TIMES ARE GOOD...BUT WHO YOU ARE WITH WHEN TIMES ARE BAD!

I definately wouldnt want to be your fvck buddy cause that would be the last thing you need.
 Rythmn
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 16
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dating and sexual monogamy
Posted: 8/4/2008 12:39:18 PM
caskey:

wrong assumptions. wrong conclusions. read more paragraphs. i was talking about "my" 2 1/2 year monogamous relationship with a man who cannot /will not say he loves me. furthermore, i am finding out that many share his position. although not many are crying about it, like he is. why cry at losing me, if you don't love me? so--read the rest and don't "ass" u me.

as to lack of attraction, that was not our issue. that is your issue. furthermore he did not define us as fwb, because he wasn't looking for anyone else, nor is he at the moment. "care deeply" are his words. "love" is what i need to hear, of course from someone who does love me and not just any man off the street!

as for "other" people who keep losing relationships, so you are not one of them? what do you mean by "keep" losing? my relationships over 59 years lasted quite a long time and i stuck through situations that most people would have fled from--because i am also a loyal friend. i can call just about any one of them w/o any of the drama you describe.

however, in this last instance which is very fresh, i felt a very deep pain, as did he. i called it love--he was not willing to give me that word and his attempts at using other words, also reflected a more serious core issue.

so, he was not willing and more likely not "able" to risk verbal commitment (his words) and the absence of those words was a very deterrant force in our growth as a couple. his more recent actions were also deteriorating towards me, despite the fact that i know he was trying very hard. so, it wasn't about me and that is that sad reality. i was powerless over a larger situation. i believe for some, their past, will never dissipate. why that is, varies from person to person. you love them, but you cannot let them drag you down with them, if "love in return" is what you need to thrive.

good looks, i guess, are in the eyes of the beholder. i will leave it at that!

what would i do with your scenario? doubt that it would have ever initiated, so i couldn't tell you.
 Rythmn
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 17
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dating and sexual monogamy
Posted: 8/5/2008 10:36:07 AM
well starslight, you are right. i have received a number of private emails from both men and women and calls from pof buddies who i already know and cherish. so despite my rambly way of writing, it appears i have touched a number of people.

i live by something a man once said to me, who i truly respected and he was also a good friend when we both were stuggling with early 40's issues. he said: "you can't give something away (get rid of it), until you own it. to this day, i always own my feelings and slowly they are being absorbed into the universe and hopefully cleansed. i do not inflict my feelings onto others, but i do share and they can chose to listen or not. in turn, i am getting so much more good stuff back from the universe.

when negative tries to invade, i just hope time passes for that person's meanness or lack of sensitivity, so they too can "give it away". i just use my old "business" persona to deal with stuff like that. i keep it out of my personal space. i tend, by nature, to be way too empathetic and need to draw boundaries.

i wish you luck starslight. it's hardest when two people appear to love, but one cannot step up to the plate because of his/her history that is stuffed deep within. that person, in denial, CANNOT own their pain and so they hold onto it and take it to the grave. that is what makes me cry for that person. whereas i am strong enough to get over my loss, i feel for any good person, who choses to live in denial and not seek help or comradery and is also not happy. i do recognize, that some are happier in solitude.

it could be any one of us. do we give up or try harder? or do we seek "wisdom" to know the difference in each situation. eventually it comes to us, but i always do start with trying harder when i sense the person is a good human being underneath it all. that is why i stuck with my relationship and that is also why i had to end it. the wisdom finally could not be denied either. now i gather wisdom as to where i chose to go from here. once i have a goal, i start my journey. it is the journey that is the most important. goals can always be changed and new paths taken.
 Rythmn
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 18
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dating and sexual monogamy
Posted: 8/5/2008 6:02:08 PM
well sam-spade, i am sure many men and women are into quickies. however, i agree with you, i want the quality and not just the immediate gratification. there are many different levels of "sexuality". again, as my friend's husband says: he's not into the fast food when it comes to sex. and in my "opinion" which is strictly mine i know, you cannot fake a fine dining experience when it comes to sex. then it's more of a manipulation--rather than two human beings bearing their souls and for a brief time "Merging" and totally "trusting" another person with their vulnerabilties.

for me, that is not a small ticket item. but again, i've had my younger years to learn and draw conclusions. much of my opinions come from my observations of human behavior and from either the pain or joy it caused me to interact with my fellow humans. life may not be fair, but it is, the way it is. just thought i had better judgements than i have just demonstrated that i do not. but, for me, that's one of my goals: a "quality" relationship and i too would not have time or resources to do more than one! i know now, where i went wrong, and i have learned. but that is a whole other topic and not sure i would share that, given another person's trust. i can only share my own losses and gains.
 Rythmn
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 19
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dating and sexual monogamy
Posted: 8/7/2008 6:56:56 PM
well, sounds like there is hope. i guess many share my goal or vision, but the journey is still to be taken. finding the right person for each individual is a delicate endeavor. i think it's good to have friends during the "needy" times and to meet many people and take the time to know them. you cannot rush into love, it needs to be nurtured. the rest is an illusion. but i've been on this planet for 59 years and you'd think i'd know by now! so, learning "what counts" is also part of life itself. i still have to trust that i deserve a piece of this universe in terms of experiencing both loving and being loved. in the interim, there's that little sign that is given for us to use in our emails. it says "sh__ happens". boy, ain't that the truth! good luck to all my fellow seekers, male and female, young and old.
 Moonchild51
Joined: 3/11/2007
Msg: 20
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dating and sexual monogamy
Posted: 8/7/2008 7:48:24 PM

Being sexless for months and years is not a natural, normal thing..........we arnt made like that. TREES arent even made like that, maybe rocks are........:-)


Funny, I do kinda look like a rock now that you mention it!!!
 Rythmn
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 21
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dating and sexual monogamy
Posted: 8/8/2008 12:05:35 AM
because, msg 60, if you spend your time "getting laid", you won't have time or resources to find the full package, let alone any "quality". however that is an age perspective and admittedly, perhaps even a snobby perspective. when you are young or needy or never even approximated what i am talking about, if it ain't "nailed" down, a good number of people will "screw it". there are no other qualifiers.

but, as said before, after a while mc donald's just doesn't do it for many of us mature folks who realize that life is finite. not saying all agree or my opinion should be yours, but since you asked, that is my answer (for me)..... plus, most people who are serious about the "real thing" will eventually find it because it is a priority. in the interim, there are ways to deal with basic issues!

when a relationship reaches a plateau or stalemate, it is on the way to going downhill. if both parties are not interested or able to preserve it, either you ride the plateau (if that's even possible) until you fall, or you surrender to what you say you need and believe in. it's not about immediate gratification. it's about taking the risk to say what you mean and do it!
 Rythmn
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 22
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dating and sexual monogamy
Posted: 8/8/2008 1:18:05 PM
actually windroper, in my "youth" and into my 40's i rushed into a lot of things! i was a risk taker in business and politics et al--usually driven by what i believed was true and of some higher good. but truth be told, i did better out there in the world, than in "love". i have good instincts about most people's innate "potential" including my own, but you know the saying "everyone has potential". to that add, everyone has pheremones! and to that add, there is always a "higher good". for example, if i did not marry my ex, we would not have adopted my kids. the recent relationship, went beyond my "best friend" due to pheremones and a connection between the "inner child" of us both. i suppose it contributed to my understanding that i wasn't dead yet!

i have no regrets about anything i have done, in the sense that i have learned and i have served. to me these are the primary reasons for being on this planet. but i do think it's time for scw to APPLY the knowledge. always had the courage, spent a few years on the serenity, and now it's time for the WISDOM! putting it in words for the world to see, holds me to what i say i believe. there can be no turning back.

for some in their 50's, it's time to get out and try things they never did and sow their oats. i did live a life way fuller than most because i was "out there" and chose not to be a mom. despite deciding to adopt at age five (!), i did not do that until age 50, thinking i needed to be married! so, i admit, i am a bit backwards. now i need to be loved. go figure!
 Rythmn
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 23
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dating and sexual monogamy
Posted: 8/8/2008 4:05:22 PM
mon cherie, w/o going into the private affairs of others, and certainly not talking about our sex lives which to me is personal, i can only say that we had a lot more than many i read about on pof, except a "commitment" and a lot of "past" that interfered with the present-- and w/o any reasonable expectation for future. i followed along with your "logic" until the day he started talking about moving away in the near future. i had even put up with his mutterings under his breath towards me, when his bad day had nothing to do with me. this was a slow and insidious process. so, it was at that moment of realization, that i came to undertand, that if i wanted a "loving" future with a committed relationship, i could not count on this one "as it stood". it was not evolving.

as i've mentioned before, he made up a different word for love, but even that drifted away. i believe a person has to love him or herself before they can love another. often insuations or accusations were made against my intentions that would never ever come to my mind. they were hauntings from his past. i cannot be held accountable for what others have done to someone. i can only be accountable for my intentions and my actions. some people sink into very deep ruts, and now matter how much you love them or how hard you try to be there for them, only they can chose to hold out a hand and ask for help being pulled out of a dark hole.

i am not a person who needs a lot from someone else materially. i know he tried his hardest. but as i've said about the different "love languages", you have to both reach out to another in interpretation. if someone continued to talk to you in their language, knowing you needed to be spoken to in your language, it would slowly become a big mess in communication. if there really was love, the attempts would have accelerated and not diminshed. i've said on another thread: if a plant needs water, singing to it will be insufficient. no matter how long and how loud you sing.

ps i see in your profile, you want someone in your life with a positive outlook. me too!
 arwen52
Joined: 3/13/2008
Msg: 24
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Posted: 8/8/2008 11:18:52 PM
You should do what feels right for you and don't worry about what others think. Will you have a hard time finding the right guy for you? Possibly. And you will have a hard time finding him without your standards, too. It's hard to find someone we're really compatible with. A significant factor is compatible values. Live your values and you will find the people with similar values.
 Rythmn
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 25
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dating and sexual monogamy
Posted: 8/9/2008 11:48:49 AM
parrothead, believe me, a lot went into preserving this relationship on both parts--probably it would have ended otherwise way before. infidelity was never an issue. this is about how we each want to live out our lives and how we each "view" the world. also, how much capability/willingness we each have to do the work you describe. i tend to prioritize my relationships, but even though i do my share of crying, my personality is shall we say more "positive" and after a while, i have a good sense of self preservation.

for some, life gets to be a downer. when i felt myself being pulled "downward", i gave it many months, but then i just didn't have the strength any more. the pattern was repeating and repeating. i saw no end in sight. often you must "detach" with love to stay in a relationship like this. some people chose to demand nothing for themselves or busy themselves with other things. that's great if you can prevent yourself from becoming some sort of martyr and have no strong relationship needs of your own.
i guess i needed to be more "cherished" on a regular basis. but he did try, as much as he was able and in light of his own choice to live out his life in a very different way than i chose to live out mine.

as to the above reference to men in a candy store, that "route" is constantly offered to me even at my old age and even in places i shop! i guess i am hyperglycemic. too much sugar is not good w/o that fine dining i used symbollically above. at first it was "cute" coming out of a deteriorating marriage , now it's annoying if the guys are too young--MILFERS they are called.

i am looking for a quality relationship. as you can find out, reading from all the "cougars" on here, many chose that road, along with the cougar men. often they are coming out of lives that had little spice and are making up for it or are reacting to what they are losing as they age. also women in their 40's will get a big biological surge of hormones and for some of us, it continues into our later years or at least, it plateaus (perhaps due to hormone replacement). it is nature's way of getting in some more "population" before menapause. remember, we did not live that long in ancient times and we are basically just part of the food chain. at any rate, we all choose to act upon it or not.

it depends on what else you want with respect to the "rest of your life". i was an only child and am extroverted. i also have high bonding hormone levels as well as the other stuff. who else would adopt teens at age 50?!* so, we all have different things metered out to us. in my mind, women and men have similar choices, except women are getting greater biological urges and men are trying to hang onto what they, in their own minds, are losing. somewheres there is a group of people, in between, who seek some sort of balance and are willing to do this journey together. for me, hitting my 50's was and still is a "shocker". my good friends are mostly younger, but our life issues are very different. nonetheless, i tend to go with what i think is right, and not always follow what men refer to as "their little head". frankly, i think women in later age categories need way more sexual self discipline than men. it depends upon where you set your rewards and what you value most. so, if you are busy with your kids into your early 40's , don't worry, the rest is your "prime". the issues are way larger than that, in my opinion and in my experience.
 Randominternetguy
Joined: 12/25/2006
Msg: 26
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Posted: 8/10/2008 9:24:57 AM

What's a cougar?


A couger is an older woman looking for younger men.
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