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 MaryAnn Singleton
Joined: 6/6/2008
Msg: 2
to be honest or notPage 1 of 2    (1, 2)
First, I'm sorry for the loss of your lady friend.

If I understand you correctly, you think it's better that you are upfront about your marital status? Unfortunately I can't agree with you. I was married for over 16 years and during the last year of my marriage it wasn't good and I wanted to cheat,but I didn't. In my opinion, a married person who cheats is someone who has one foot in the marriage (and safety/security) and the other foot in singlehood (excitement, variety) and really you aren't committing yourself to either.

Let me ask you this... how would you feel if you were a single guy and you kept meeting women who were really great but they were always hung up on married guys? It seems to me that when a married guy starts dating, that no one wins...

On the other hand, it's your choice. If you're married and want to date others, then that's your business. I just don't think too many people are going to sympathize with you.
 lowadee
Joined: 3/26/2006
Msg: 4
to be honest or not
Posted: 8/2/2008 5:10:12 AM
I agree....you say you are being honest...all you are doing is telling on this profile that you are married. That does not constitute an honest individual, what about your wife, are you being honest with her about being here, having your thing with your departed lady friend, and others? I think not.

And what about that guy in the mirror you see every morning..do you truly believe he is an honest individual? I don't think you can 'honestly' answer that yes........

Just being 'honest' here....
 ceeceekitty
Joined: 11/6/2006
Msg: 6
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to be honest or not
Posted: 8/2/2008 5:56:47 AM
.......and your question is?

So you answered one question........and were honest about your marital status.....and the rest of your life is a lie.

Your last statement on your profile..........your word is your bond.
Unless the vows were altered to read.........we reserve the right to substitute "someone else", to fill in for what ever is missing in this marriage. Your word is not your bond.

I firmly believe there is not one problem, that can not be worked out, when two people, HONESTLY, work together.

Think about all the time, effort and energy, you've put into seeing another woman.........all wasted and could have been spent to enhance your marriage.
And you can't say it didn't work since you went else where.....
Commitment does not have an "off/on" switch.

A good place to start is thinking back to the time it was "good" between you all and finding out, when it started to go wrong....and what changed.

It didn't get "sour" over night and repairing it is not instant.....energy, time and effort, applied liberally.

You might be honest when it comes to strangers but it seems it's left out when it comes to yourself and your spouse.
And that's a huge, "might".
Being totally honest means not having to worry about having a "back-up" lie.

No, "attaboy or good on you", over here.

ceeceekitty
 ImAHotMess
Joined: 7/11/2008
Msg: 9
to be honest or not
Posted: 8/2/2008 10:05:35 AM
Always be honest. And as far as the situation you are choosing to live, why not just get a divorce and be honest to yourself? I do not get how people can do this kind of shit. No wonder disease is out of control, and people have no trust or morals any more. A lir is a lie is a lie!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Lady friend, male friend whatever.
 Angellrlc
Joined: 9/14/2006
Msg: 10
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History
to be honest or not
Posted: 8/2/2008 10:27:16 AM
So..you arent honest with your wife..she wasnt honest with her husband....I dont get it..you shouldnt even be on here..the whole thing disgusts me. I dont understand what part of honest you think is honest. Go to a different website, I am sure there are plenty for married, dishonest people. I would leave an unhappy marriage before I would sleep in separate rooms or cheat with friends. And that is love?
 mthomjmark
Joined: 2/27/2008
Msg: 11
to be honest or not
Posted: 8/2/2008 12:36:43 PM
I'm very sorry for the loss of your friend. On the other hand you were married and you dated a married person and now you are ripping on other guys for showing poor character by lying? sounds pretty hypocritical to me.

I just think it's very strange; why stay married or be together with someone when you have little or nothing to do with them. If you dont take it seriously or respect it, then why be in it? Not getting it.

Don't pat yourself on the back for being the voice of character and morality for being honest. Your doing wrong in my book. If I'm a robber or a cheater and I'm honest about that in my profile, should I be proud of my honesty? not much.

again, I'm sorry for the loss of your friend.
 Phantom Fish
Joined: 7/21/2008
Msg: 12
to be honest or not
Posted: 8/2/2008 6:37:47 PM
Years ago, I dated a lady that didn't tell me she was married. I found out after ignoring some red flags (darn youth!), and she gave me the "I don't sleep with him, and it's just like we're only sharing a roof" speech.
At the shared-roof home, she continued to do his laundry and eat meals with him. They'd entertain from time to time, as well.
Christmas and family times came, and she needed to attend these things with her room mate, and I was left alone and in love.
She was always planning on a divorce, but things were "complicated" and would take time.
In total, I believed her for a bit over a year. We usually met somewhere, so noone would find her car at my house.
I literally wasted a year of my life and emotion on someone that couldn't make the break... It took a while for me to recognize myself as the other man.
I've learned:
1. They're always in a loveless marriage.
2. It's always complicated, so they can't leave.
3. The spouse is always a bad person.
4. They're stuck in a tree, and want somone to catch them when they fall. When they find the person willing to do that, they hang on to the tree, and the waiting lover simply waits... and waits
Hence, I pity anyone that would walk into such a relationship without knowing they will always be the other woman.
 The rock man
Joined: 4/13/2008
Msg: 13
to be honest or not
Posted: 8/2/2008 9:24:25 PM
I see no need to praise you for being honest about being a cheat!
Since you have a really good memory you will remember that!

There is no such thing as an honest thief, and there is no such thing as an honest cheat!
 bellazingara
Joined: 7/4/2007
Msg: 14
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to be honest or not
Posted: 8/3/2008 1:22:50 AM
Hello James/Alan/Allan:

I'm sorry for the loss of your friend.

As for having a good memory, apparently yours has failed you. You seem to have forgotten the meaning of marriage (I could be wrong but I'm sure I've heard the words "honour" and "faithful" being dropped in the marriage vows at the various ceremonies I've attended over the years).

While it's a good thing that you are warning POF members of your infidelity in advance, at the end of the day you're still being dishonest with your wife, not to mention yourself. The women on POF have the benefit of knowing they are dealing with a cheater before getting involved with you, your wife however, does not. She may choose not to stay in a "loveless marriage" under your terms. It's one thing to believe you and your spouse are happy to be in the same boat together and another to find out you've been played for a fool the whole time.
 whatacrok
Joined: 1/5/2008
Msg: 15
to be honest or not
Posted: 8/3/2008 6:08:51 AM
Honest or Not ... there is NO thinking about it!
There is NO question! If a person does not know
the answer to that, THEY need some major help.

Positive growth requires HONESTY.

No wonder there are so many F'd up people!

This behavior does NOT reflect LOVE ...
NOT love for a wife or someone you chose as a life partner!
More like selfish SOB living in a pity party for the wife ... let
her get some freedom as you have ... let her have some emotional
stoking as you have ... betrayal SUCKS and this behavior SUCKS!
Try dealing with the issues at hand head on, openly and honestly ...
both will then have emotional freedom and it only stings for a
little while. Again, unless one or both of the parties need
professional help to get them through reality! JMO!

(Wow, I reacted! That doesn't say much for me, now does it! )

Is it James, alan, allan or what? SPAM?

Good luck to all the seemingly "sane" folks !!!
 pretty moon
Joined: 6/25/2008
Msg: 16
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History
to be honest or not
Posted: 8/3/2008 6:32:14 AM
The truth is you are living a lie.

So you love your wife but are obviously not in love with her. Did not losing your lady of 5 years teach you anything? Life is too short to not live a totally fulfilling life with one person that you can have it all with, and let the world know.. Sad.


PEACE
 cupatea2010
Joined: 7/30/2007
Msg: 17
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History
to be honest or not
Posted: 8/3/2008 6:34:42 AM
It's good to know that your UPFRONT..about being married yet looking for a mistress. There will be no strings attached and when you gone..there will be nothing but memories of what was...just as your lady friend (May God bless her soul)...

We are on this earth for what...to BE and hopefully someone will miss us when we are gone. Loveless marriages..I could go on and on about that one but then it takes two to make it disfunctional.

I have chatted with and met married men that wanted me to sympathize with their plight. .........after chatting all they wanted was no strings attached sympathy sex...why look for single gals? why not get online with other married folks who are in the same boat as you...I am sure there are local online sites that cater to your needs?
 fishermanIV
Joined: 12/13/2007
Msg: 18
to be honest or not
Posted: 8/3/2008 6:41:48 AM
Well now teacher you say honesty is best! Well , I, can tell you one thing for sure
As for affairs I was married two times and the both cheated had affairs and it almost
did me in the second time. When asked if there having an affair they said I was crazy.!
Well, so crazy that it broke my heart since we had a small child involved. Maybe you don't think she knows. Hmmm a women knows and well so do men even though the women don't think so. I , stayed with the marriage until i couldn't take it. Yes, I, could have had an affair several times but I didn't . Honesty, how could you have a clear mind. I, say once a cheater always a cheater. You have stayed single if you wanted
to play. Married and want to play well be where of the fallout after the blast it can be
expensive in many ways mentally and in your pocket book.
 fishermanIV
Joined: 12/13/2007
Msg: 19
to be honest or not
Posted: 8/3/2008 6:42:10 AM
Well now teacher you say honesty is best! Well , I, can tell you one thing for sure
As for affairs I was married two times and the both cheated had affairs and it almost
did me in the second time. When asked if there having an affair they said I was crazy.!
Well, so crazy that it broke my heart since we had a small child involved. Maybe you don't think she knows. Hmmm a women knows and well so do men even though the women don't think so. I , stayed with the marriage until i couldn't take it. Yes, I, could have had an affair several times but I didn't . Honesty, how could you have a clear mind. I, say once a cheater always a cheater. You have stayed single if you wanted
to play. Married and want to play well be where of the fallout after the blast it can be
expensive in many ways mentally and in your pocket book.
 TheStefano
Joined: 6/15/2008
Msg: 20
to be honest or not
Posted: 8/3/2008 1:12:16 PM
Always choose honesty.

Always.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 21
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History
to be honest or not
Posted: 8/4/2008 8:40:49 AM
Well James/Allan/troll or whatever............................
Be 100% truthful. You are married, have no intentions on leaving your wife and are looking for a woman that doesn't care about commitment, real love or propriety. Advertise for a FB that is what you are looking for right? I'm sure you are staying with your wife for many reasons none of which are an excuse for lying about your arrangements. Can we assume you are not going to be lying to your wife either?
 wutznot2love
Joined: 11/16/2007
Msg: 22
to be honest or not
Posted: 8/4/2008 9:29:21 AM
LMAO!

In the OP's profile he states "my word is my bond"

Well apparently that's a huge lie because seeing that he's MARRIED, I'd imagine that when he walked down the aisle with his WIFE, he gave her his WORD that he'd be faithful and true to her, that he'd forsake all others, etc. Yet he had a 5 yr affair and is looking for another one. Wow, some kind of bond his word is. Uh huh.
 SmilingRJ
Joined: 5/14/2008
Msg: 23
to be honest or not
Posted: 8/13/2008 10:16:45 AM
I have to say that honesty is the only way to go. Might make others mad from time to time as it sometimes hurts to hear the truth but your integrity remains in tact and most people come to respect you for it. I for one have never been called a liar or a cheater both of which are fighting words to me. If you feel you have to hide things or sneak around you are not really living life to it's fullest. You are cheating yourself and someone else. Whatever happened to trust and love anyway? Are they just after thoughts in a new age?
 SmilingRJ
Joined: 5/14/2008
Msg: 24
to be honest or not
Posted: 8/13/2008 10:33:17 AM
If you want to be a stand up guy then be honest and tell your wife that you have needs and she is not fulfilling them. Get counseling for both of you if you want to continue the marriage or simply be honest and tell her that you have to have someone fill in that part of your life that needs stimulation if she can no longer do it for you. I am sure that will go over like a lead balloon but your honest about it and things can go forward and maybe counseling will be in the cards but at least you won't be lying to yourself, your wife or the next potential mistress. I feel sorry for you I really do but the solution you chose is not a solution at all just a distraction. Unless you have been hurt by someone who cheats I don't think you would really understand how much pain you actually put your partner through. Marriage is something that is not a perpetually growing thing. You have to work on it to keep it healthy and growing. I am sure you are as much to blame as she is.
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