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Show ALL Forums  > Single Parents  > serious advice needed      Home login  
Joined: 8/18/2006
Msg: 2
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serious advice neededPage 1 of 2    (1, 2)
Im angry for you that CPS got called in. I played truth or dare with my uncles stepchildren when I was 11 or 12. CPS was called after one of them mentioned something about it on a ski trip or something. Because I was the oldest the blame of course was put on me. Didn't matter what happened in actuality, or who did what...I was the elder child and I should have known better.
During the interview I happened to vaguely mention that my brother had done to me once what I did with one of the kids....they immediately removed me from my home, sent me to live with my dad. I wasn't allowed to speak to my brother nor was I allowed to return to my moms house for any reason. If I called and he answered the phone...I was to hang up and try later. I wasn't even allowed to ask for my mom. When it went to court the judge threw a fit.
He was very angry that I was removed from the home over harmless curiosity. That my 14 yr old brother was made to feel as bad as he did. The judge said that our system has major flaws if it is there to make children feel like garbage for doing something that is as natural and totally expected as 'show and tell' with their siblings.

The weekend after July long, my ex MIL was here, and she brought her 10yr old grandson for a visit. My 7yr old was ecstatic to have a boy he had never met in the house and they got along famously. I went to see what they were up to because it had gotten awfully quiet and found them under my sons loft bed, my ds was missing his pants. I didn't have any idea how to handle the situation without damaging either child. Because thats exactly what they are is children.
I just separated them, and made the attempt to get an idea of what 'actually' happened. For the remainder of the visit, they weren't allowed to play alone together, and all play was to be in the living room.
Turns out the 10yr old has a history of this kind of behavior, but I don't think he was ever counseled on it. My son is soon to be in counseling, to help him learn a different outlet for his curiosity.

Give your son extra love, and let him know that while what he did was wrong it doesn't make you love him any less. Nor does it make him a bad person. It's made to seem as though it never happens and that the kids who do get 'caught' doing it are the only ones that do. It is actually very common I just wish they (CPS) could find a different way of handling it without damaging these poor kids more.

I hope for your family that if it ever went to court that the judge is as nice as ours was...and lets your baby girl come home. There was no reason to remove her from the home!
Joined: 9/4/2006
Msg: 4
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serious advice needed
Posted: 8/2/2008 2:07:15 PM
both you and your son should be in counseling. You say he has ADD and his developmental stage is a few youngers than his age should be, perhaps you need to get that revaulated, because it doesn't sound like an ADD issue but something altogether.

I just had an idea that perhaps this boy's mom wanted to put the blame more on your son, so she called cps so that nothing will reflect on her son, which may have an issue at home. She probably knows that he'd probably be sent away from home if she told them it was her son that influenced it. Did CPs even ask for your side of the story?

This is crazy because some kids do explore just because they are curious, not necessarily mean they were sexually abused to do this.
Joined: 6/29/2008
Msg: 6
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serious advice needed
Posted: 8/3/2008 4:48:51 PM
CPS will interview both parties and then close the case, so nothing to worry about. I always think that it is better to call than not, because as someone stated earlier, things like this can be symptomatic of a bigger problem. Something that raised an issue with me is that you stated that your 8 year old daughter can't be there now because of the investigation, if this is a first time call it is not normal that they would request that your daughter be removed from the home, especially if it was just innocent touching that occured between the two boys. I am also inclined to believe that if this has been an ongoing issue with the other family, the investigation will be centered there...which leads to confusion about your daughter being removed. Personally, I suggest that you get on the phone first thing Tuesday morning and enquire on the progress of the investigation, if it has progressed that far there is reason to believe that something more may have happened, especially if it has gone past intake. Best of luck, I understand what it feels like to be in such a position.
Joined: 11/8/2007
Msg: 7
serious advice needed
Posted: 8/4/2008 7:37:55 AM
Why do you permit your child to associate with
3 siblings ages 7, 8 & 9 and all 3 are known to play this way with other kids, they often talk inappriopately, they break into cars and etc..
in the first place?
 Northern Lights
Joined: 9/17/2004
Msg: 8
serious advice needed
Posted: 8/4/2008 7:46:55 AM
I was kind of questioning that as well. Obviously those kids are not well supervised, and to allow your son to play with kids like this a bit puzzling, especially if you know what those kids are like?

If he's as immature as you say he is, then he could very easily be led to be doing the same things these other kids are doing, as a mother of an ADHD child myself, no way would I let him play with 'bad' kids. We have a family in the neighborhood who lets their kids run loose all hours of the night, even the little ones, who are about 4. The older kids are well on their way to becoming delinquents. My son is not allowed to play with them, and he knows this.

Your daughter being removed seems a bit extreme too, if this is a first time incident, I find it hard to believe that they'd send your daughter away. You sure there isn't more to this story??
 Northern Lights
Joined: 9/17/2004
Msg: 11
serious advice needed
Posted: 8/4/2008 9:51:08 AM
Good lord, what a gong show.

I'd be really pissed if the cops/cps started calling people questioning where my child was just to make sure she was out of the house, and I'd be livid if the cops 'broke into' my house like that and started questioning my child, and leaving a note on your bed?? What's wrong with leaving it on a kitchen table or something? Christ almighty, you'd think the kid was a serial killer or something!

I dunno, seems they're going to major extremes here and I'd definitely be calling around on Tuesday demanding answers for this weekends events. There is absolutely no reason for this kind of harassment (I consider it harassment anyways).

Might want to consult with a lawyer on Tuesday as well, because it seems that what they're doing here is totally out of line and you're going to want to put a stop to this before it gets even more carried away.
Joined: 6/29/2008
Msg: 14
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serious advice needed
Posted: 8/4/2008 12:59:40 PM
Something is very off here, and I feel like parts of the incident are being left out. CPS and the police would not break into a home unless they truly believed that there was just cause, and as indicated by some other posters, I was also confused as to why you would leave an emotionally immature child home alone. I was also questioning your decision to go out and dance when you had this situation going on in your home. As a mother, I am aware always of where my kids are and who they are playing with, especially my youngest who is 9.
Having worked with CPS, I can tell you that there is much more to this situation that what is being said here in this forum. On a first call intake where it has been deemed that it was just two children experimenting, this drastic of action is not taken. Also, even in cases where abuse has been established, it is (regretfully sometimes) not common to have a child removed from the home, especially if the accused and accuser are not living in the same residence. I am also wondering what authority CPS has to move an individual from a neighbourhood? It truly does not make sense. At any rate, I hope that out of this your family receives some much needed councelling, especially your young son.
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 16
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serious advice needed
Posted: 8/4/2008 6:53:43 PM
First of all, CPS is legally required to investigate to make sure that in neither case are the boys getting into this type of experimentation because of something that is going on in their home, which is likely the case with these boys from what you have said.

The case will be closed and your son will survive this trauma and he will learn to stop and think before he does things. Even knowing they are not going to take away my child, you would not have caught me dead going out under those circumstances and leaving a child alone if for no other reason than common sense. You are being scrutinized, so don't blame the system for your poor choices. CPS workers are doing jobs under difficult circumstances when they are good at it and many are underpaid and frankly quite stupid. You should act accordingly.

As for the damage this does to your son, you have the ability to mitigate it by the way you handle things. Your son is old enough to understand why both boys are being investigated, tell him and treat him like he is 13. My daughter has ADD and she has no problems making age-appropriate decisions and has most of her life made better choices than most of her same-age peers. If he understands that they are protecting both boys to make sure nothing wrong is happening to them then he won't feel as if he has done something wrong and will learn something about potentially becoming a victim himself later so that he can protect himself. Knowledge is power, always.

My boys are 13 and 9. My best friend's boys are 13 and 9, the same-age boys are stuck together like glue at school and often her older one will play with my younger one or vice versa because the siblings are bickering with each other and the boys spend so much time together, that the same-age pairs bicker like siblings. Ordinarily this would probably be considered a big age difference, not so much because of the dynamics. When the neighborhood choices are sparse, you often get kids with wider age ranges playing together.
Joined: 10/29/2007
Msg: 17
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serious advice needed
Posted: 8/4/2008 10:18:00 PM
either there is more going on or CPS thinks there is more. And they have to investigate. what happens if they say oh its just two innocent boys. what if it isnt. If there is nothing serious than it will go away. I know its not fair, but better safe than sorry.I have almost even been investigated, only because they have to check out complaints, and usually if you have been a foster parent long enough you will have someone make an allegation. In my case I caught e a temp placement stealing so they retaliated ( no I wasnt told but it was pretty much obvious)

To the poster Im sorry, but if there is sexual abuse it should NOT solely be the parents choice what to do. Well I mean CPS should be involved because what if you get one of those loser parents who wont do anything about it.

I agree kids shouldnt be taken too easy, but sometimes its too hard to get them removed. WHat I seem to notice, and I am just one person. that they are two hard on some and to easy on others. but think about some people are amazing liars, and they have a tough job trying to sort the truth.

I hope that it works out and I hope your son is ok. I hope that there isnt mor e to this story leaving your son alone when CPS is involved in your life isnt the best thing especially since it just happened.
 Northern Lights
Joined: 9/17/2004
Msg: 21
serious advice needed
Posted: 8/5/2008 7:31:16 PM

Again -- a teenage boy doing what he did with a child is so not "normal" and this should seriously be looked into much further, by a qualified professional.

Playing devils advocate here.

Yes, physically the boy may be 13, but mentally he's much younger. That has already been stated. So in this case, what really is 'normal'???

What he did was wrong, no doubt about that, but as a mother with a child who has ADHD, I can totally 'get' this. When my son was younger, some of the things he did were completely age inappropriate, while other things he did were beyond his years. When he was 8, he was reading at a Jr. High level, his comprehension skills were beyond his years, in many ways, he was gifted, in other ways, he was very immature. He was also very impulsive.

Thankfully, as time has gone on, and he's now properly medicated, he's a completely different child, but there was a time when I was completely at my wits end with him... his first 2 weeks of kindergarten, he was almost expelled due to his behavior, can you believe that? Back then, I'd never have believed I could leave him at home alone for an hour or two, no way, but now at 10, I have absolutely no problems doing that, he has grown like you wouldn't believe, is totally responsible now. Of course, he had a few years of intensive help and was in a special school for about 4 years, but they did absolute wonders with him.

Mom needing some stress relief and going dancing, without a cell phone aside, I'm sure she is very aware her son needs help, if only to be able to distinguish right from wrong without people pointing it out to him.

What mom did was perhaps not the best of decisions, but unless one is in her shoes, and has gone what she has gone thru, maybe it's best we put judgments aside for the time being. We all deal with stressful situations differently, and maybe she should be cut a bit of slack here, as I'm sure what happened completely blindsided her.

Unless one is a single parent of a special needs child, it's so easy to say what she should have done, or not have done, even those WITH special needs kids are pointing fingers, when I don't think it's constructive. Don't know the whole story here, but if she was leaving the kid alone all the time, then yeah, there'd be an issue, but it sounds like this was just how she chose to cope with the issue at that particular moment.

Come on people, we're all human here, and sometimes we don't handle situations with grace that others expect, big deal. Life goes on, lessons are learned and issues are dealt with.
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 22
serious advice needed
Posted: 8/5/2008 7:41:13 PM
I don't know why people are so enraged by an older child playing with younger. I grew up with us all playing together, my daughter interacts very nicely with smaller children. I drive my an apartment building that has a committee to encourage sports and other games for the kids and they are all playing basketball, soccer, riding their bikes, etc in the complex together. There's nothing suspect about any of those situations.

The problem is that touching themselves or each other is not appropriate behaviour.

OP, you've commented on the other children's inappropriate behaviour and actions in many situations and that they have been sexually inappropriate several times without your child being involved. Maybe this is part of what's causing CPS to take the situation so seriously. I imagine that, because your child has been admittedly behaving inappropriately, they may be looking at him as the potential root of the other children's issues.

 Northern Lights
Joined: 9/17/2004
Msg: 23
serious advice needed
Posted: 8/5/2008 7:43:06 PM
It does seem like a lot of conflicting info, but at the end of the day, unless any of us are in her shoes, and living her life, then who are we to judge?

I know the stuff I went thru with my son... he was a terror around other kids, always got into trouble, but was an absolute angel when he was left alone, or if he was with only one or two other kids, one on one. Throw him in a classroom setting, with a bunch of kids and a lot of noise, he'd become unglued.

He learned how to cope, the school I put him in gave him a lot of strategies on how to deal with things that irritated him. He WAS allowed to walk out of a classroom if the noise was bothering him. He had his own quiet room he could go to so he could do his work. He was taught how to handle his emotions to better control his outbursts, all kinds of stuff.

In the end, he's much better equipped to handle his emotions, and he's the model child now (for the most part, sometimes the ADHD is very apparent, but now *I* also have the tools to handle him, where I didn't before).

These kids can be BOTH immature AND mature at the same time, depending on the setting they're in.
 Northern Lights
Joined: 9/17/2004
Msg: 25
serious advice needed
Posted: 8/5/2008 9:13:21 PM
Your son sounds a bit like my son in some ways. My son is very mature and responsible if left on his own, or with a couple of kids, but sometimes if you get him in a group, he could act out. That is normal with these types of kids. Some act out in different ways, thankfully, my son is not at all interested in sexual things, he finds them "yuck" lol

But like you said, my parents left us alone from time to time too, pre cell phone days, just a number of someone we could contact if needed, and that was it. We all turned out fine. Too much emphasis on technology nowadays I think. We didn't have cells and computers and stuff 30+ years ago, and nobody is really worse for wear right?

We have all made bad choices, lord knows I've made my fair share of them, but with this incident, hopefully both you, and your son, are more aware of the issues and you can get him someone to talk to in order to understand the changes he's going thru and how to better conduct himself. It'll only do him good in the end, you don't want another incident like this to occur, because if it does, and he's older, he'll find himself in a whole heap of trouble. Better to nip this in the bud now.

I wish you and your family all the best. Sounds like you've got a long road ahead of you, but with determination, you can overcome this and your son will have a better understanding of what is acceptable, and what is not.
Show ALL Forums  > Single Parents  > serious advice needed