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 WiseGuy
Joined: 7/4/2006
Msg: 2
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Dating your fatherPage 1 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
I tend to think it's probably true.

I think the behavior will continue until your relationship with your father is more well-resolved. And not just opposite sex parents, both parents. I think we all learn these co-dependant interactions with our parents, and then keep doing them with others until we unlearn them.
 kindapicky
Joined: 8/28/2005
Msg: 5
Dating your father
Posted: 8/3/2008 5:01:19 AM
Several ladies I know have had relationship problems because of the relationship with their dads. Take care of yourself. Do not let anyone mistreat you. Marriage is a lot of commitment. Both parters have to step up the the plate.
 grapevine
Joined: 10/2/2005
Msg: 8
Dating your father
Posted: 8/3/2008 5:17:40 AM
Well, not all of the men I've dated were exemplary men, but they were not at all like my father. There's no way in hell I'd date a man who is like my father was. I'd say that the only thing they had in common with my father was that quite a few of them have been short. But that was coincidental; I don't go out seeking short men.
 GeneralizingNow
Joined: 10/10/2007
Msg: 18
Dating your father
Posted: 8/3/2008 10:35:07 AM
I think people just pattern what they're familiar with, what they grew up seeing. If you had parents who were married while you grew up, you will find yourself mimicking what your mom did. You may find yourself being attracted to men like your dad--because you are comfy and familiar with that. It makes sense to me, and works well if your dad was great guy.

When your dad was a schmuck, you may find yourself being attracted to schmucks--again, it's familiar. It's up to YOU to break out of your box and find unfamiliar ground--a man who treats you well and makes you feel good about yourself.

I have to admit, I know a bunch of women whose dads were absent who are attracted to old guys. I'm not sure what it says about MY dad--I'm attracted to men 10 years younger, as are all my sisters.
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 19
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Dating your father
Posted: 8/3/2008 11:49:47 AM
I've always had trouble dating anyone who looked or acted like my father, I've tried but too much ick factor there.
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 23
Dating your father
Posted: 8/3/2008 1:56:17 PM

Dating your father

Ewwwwwwwwww ~ the mere thought makes my tummy ache. No way, never, not in this lifetime, not if I were dying of thirst and he had water, there isn't enough alcohol on the planet to instigate that, etc. We are speaking of age aren't we? No? Personality traits? Appearance? Hell no on all accounts. (And my Father is drop-dead-handsome, still a no go.) ****heebies****
 Ron9
Joined: 8/10/2004
Msg: 24
Dating your father
Posted: 8/3/2008 3:09:30 PM
We are all a product of our environment - to a certain extent.

Both parents have some influence on us growing up but .....

By the time we hit our early 20s ..... it is all on us.

“I am like I am because my mom liked my sister better” ...... bullchit

“I like this or that because my dad liked it” ...... bullchit

OP - the so called professionals like to help you make “discoveries”. That gets them repeat .... umm customers and referrals.

Just ask Roseanne Barr. Her shrink helped her understand that her parents molested her (bullchit) then Tom Arnold got in on the publicity after his shrink helped him “discover”. Then about 50 other poor poor soles got the same discovery (big money maker for shrinks).

It is ALL ON US as we became young adults. Blaming or “discovering” you have this or that trait due to one of your parents ...... bullchit. It is an excuse.

----------

“I don’t want a bad guy - I learned that because my dad was” .......... DUH - you learned that from logic.
“I want a good man - I learned that because my dad was” .......... DUH - you learned that from logic.
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 25
Dating your father
Posted: 8/3/2008 4:06:41 PM
IF you didn't learn the lessons of why your parents treated you the way they did...then yes, you CAN tend to go where you feel the most comfortable. Or maybe you will be hoping to undo what was done to you (whether conscious of it or not).

You had to learn from SOMEWHERE how to interact with other humans. And TV wasn't it. Heck, even among elephants, it was found that the youngun's who were most unruly, tended to have lost their fathers to poachers.

Still, not all humans follow the rules--ie, there are exceptions to this theory. And there are those who follow it, but don't see it, b/c it doesn't seem an unusual activity to them. After all, they grew up with it :)
 kasper_kennedy
Joined: 8/21/2007
Msg: 26
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Dating your father
Posted: 8/3/2008 6:38:26 PM
I have noticed that girls who grow up with no father tend to date older men who sometimes have similar traits to what they would look for in a father. There have been many studies and articles regarding this issue as well. I know I have my own issues sometimes do to having crappy parents...
 Discerning Virtuosa
Joined: 6/10/2008
Msg: 27
Dating your father
Posted: 8/3/2008 6:59:01 PM
My father left when I was really young and I never saw him, so I have no concept of what a father really is. It definitely explains why I don't really know how to relate or act around men. I think not ever having a father's love leaves a girl with quite a void in her life, never knowing how to fix it. It seems women who were "daddy's girls" seemed to know their way around men better. I think the relationship between a girl and her father is key when it comes to her future relationships with men. Not psychobabble, just reality for me.
 windloverr
Joined: 2/29/2008
Msg: 29
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Dating your father
Posted: 8/3/2008 9:08:29 PM

do guys really want to date their mother?


DeNiro in "Analyze This":
That Freud is one sick fu*k.
 *buzz*
Joined: 6/1/2006
Msg: 30
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Dating your father
Posted: 8/4/2008 7:48:59 AM

I have been told that I tend to date emotionally unavailable men because that is the behaviour my father displayed to me as I was growing up. I'm not sure I believe it.

I don't believe it either. Having had two father figures in my life, (just like two mothers but that's another story) I know what was appealing to me and what was not. Looking back at a man I married - now the ex and a man I share my life with, I can say that I definitely took on board the positive, horizon broadening aspects when thinking about dating. Truth to be told, men who played part my life were quite the opposites of my biological father and were more refined version of father figure number two. C'est la vie.
 want to travel
Joined: 7/29/2006
Msg: 32
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Dating your father
Posted: 8/4/2008 9:18:57 AM
sounds like something freud would have come up with... freud has been torn apart, so no i don't think women are interested in dating there fathers, i do however think that a lot of women want to meet men that are responseble, and secure ,i think the whole dateing the wrong guy is a form of rebellion, then after that its time for the kind men
 BaldyisBeautiful
Joined: 3/28/2008
Msg: 33
Dating your father
Posted: 8/4/2008 9:40:20 AM
Well if I was dating someone like my mother then they would be druggy/acolholics with serious narcissist attitudes and the innability to raise children and foster them off on other people, all while having no interest in being educated or leading a worthwhile life.

So I am gonna have to go with a no as to the OP's original question as I tend to go for women that are interested in the welfare of other people, are educated and have the ability to be human!
 Vannili
Joined: 7/8/2008
Msg: 38
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Dating your father
Posted: 8/5/2008 5:19:31 PM
Gee, reaching 4 star you open my eyes, Since I was a young girl my romantic enterest is with an older man, I like to party with guys the same age with me but that's it. I was happily married to a man my senior of 20 years until he passed away 7 years ago. I am an only child and my father adores me. My father works hard to provide for his family, he is loving ,caring and he doesn't talk very much,but he have a good sense of humor. And I am at home with an older guy with the same trait like my dad.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 40
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Dating your father
Posted: 8/5/2008 6:08:40 PM
Tried to e-mail you with a book that might be helpful to you but could not get through your e-mail restrictions. If you e-mail me I can write you back.

Pinciperro's post was succinct and provided you the best answer to this question, that parents factor into it whether you gravitate toward someone similar to the opposite sex parent or go the other direction trying to avoid them.

It happens quite a bit and for me, I felt like I managed to find all of the bad habits of both my parents wrapped up in the one guy.

What difference does it make whether your choice of unavailable men has anything to do with your father? Knowing the source of your choices will not allow you to make different ones, you have always had the power to walk away from men who are this way but choose not to.

From that perspective, don't consider your father's bearing on why you choose them but why you stay. If you were never able to get your father to open up you may be staying to try to accomplish that with these men. The bottom line is that you need to value yourself enough to choose a man with whom you can really interact.

Another thing I have noticed is that even when you seem to find someone entirely different than the last person in terms of communication or other issues, after getting to know them, you often discover that they too have communication issues they just manifest differently, i.e. a screamer versus someone that shuts down, the net effect is the same.
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 45
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Dating your father
Posted: 8/7/2008 4:38:20 AM
As so many have posted... we are influenced to a great extent by both the positive and negative traits of our parents. It's not so much what they did or didn't do... it really comes down to the decisions we made about who we are and what is important in life and love.

One of the huge reasons I had for (finally) getting my togethers together was the birth of my daughter; I realized only too well how she would be gifted by both my wisdom as well as my wounds.
 cuteazabutton
Joined: 8/8/2006
Msg: 47
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Dating your father
Posted: 8/7/2008 12:38:08 PM
Well i dont think im like any of my parents, they divorced when i was 6 yrs old and both went into relationships right after. As for me well i wont settle for just anyone, i want that chemistry, attraction, someone who i dont want to ever live without. Although both my parents were in long term relationships after their divorce my mom with a man for 11 yrs and dad with a woman for 20 yrs until he passed away, i just would rather be alone then to settle with someone who im not in love with.
 Randominternetguy
Joined: 12/25/2006
Msg: 49
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Dating your father
Posted: 8/10/2008 8:18:32 AM
Talk about a Freudian nightmare ... I married a woman with many of my father's traits.

And yes, I had some long standing unresolved issues with my dad. As I did resolve those issues, I changed. Whether those changes were for the good or not depends on who you ask, me or her. At one point, she said directly, "You're not the man I married.", and she is right. As I resolved issues with my father, I turned around and applied the same thinking to the similar traits she had. I don't think this is the sole reason for our breakup, but I do think it's a significant one. And I know and accept responsibility for being the one to push our demise.

While I know this is a very self centered view (after all, I am a man), I believe my life has improved in every area, including my relationship with my kids, except financial. And I am OK with that.

Bob
 cookie22222
Joined: 8/4/2007
Msg: 51
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Dating your father
Posted: 11/22/2008 5:28:41 AM
Well...my parents split when I was 5 and I was raised by my grandparents' best friend (long story there). I work with social workers - they have a field day with me, LOL; my entire life reads like a soap opera...but knowing very little about my father, I can't really say to be truthful.
 Change Of Pace
Joined: 5/5/2007
Msg: 54
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Dating your father
Posted: 11/22/2008 9:51:33 AM
Not me...saw the way he treated my mother...no way would I have anything to do with a man like that. Instead I picked an alcoholic...Dad was never one of those!!
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