Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > Crossdressing; tell up front, or wait? Another bad experience.      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 platypus_man
Joined: 8/29/2007
Msg: 1
view profile
History
Crossdressing; tell up front, or wait? Another bad experience.Page 1 of 8    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)
O.K., it happened again. I met someone in the real world, of course there was no way she could know. We went out a few times, things started to get more romantic. I didn't want to lead her on; I told her about my past, she wasn't bothered by my having been abused as a child, or the problem it might present with our sex life. But when I brought up crossdressing, her expression changed, and things just went downhill from there. Again the assumptions that I might be gay, and I 'should explore that side of my life more' and all the thoughts that prelude the eventual 'I don't think we're right for each other' speech. Should I have waited longer (we went out for just over a month)? Should I have just told her on the first date? I know she can't be happy about it, and I'm really depressed now. Is there any way to get past this, or do I just stuff it in the closet and hope she never finds out (there are plenty of cases where women live a happy life never knowing about it as long as the guy keeps it separate from his time with her). Crossdressing does not interfere with any other part of my life, I don't go out 'dressed up', I would never 'dress up ' in front of her, and would keep my stuff 'off site' to prevent any accidental discoveries. Ladies, suggestions please? I'm not sure I can go on like this any more.
 Zabb
Joined: 12/3/2005
Msg: 2
view profile
History
Crossdressing; tell up front, or wait? Another bad experience.
Posted: 8/6/2008 2:50:31 PM
I think that leaving it longer would have probably made it worse. As an analogy, if you are deathly allergic to mushrooms, would you rather find out while you are reading the menu or while you are in the ambulance. You are who you are, Who you are means that you will have to look harder to find someone that you are compatible with, but it means that for everyone. There are straight women that wouldn't date Brad Pitt because, I dunno, they dig amputees or guys with facial piercings or something. Just accept that like every other person that has ever lived in the history of the planet, you have a place as one of the hues in the rainbow of incompatibility and you will be much better off, That is, unless it's the fact that it's still somewhat of a taboo that is driving this need.
 quirkyenglish68
Joined: 2/13/2008
Msg: 3
Crossdressing; tell up front, or wait? Another bad experience.
Posted: 8/6/2008 3:02:19 PM
I am sorry to hear about your experience.

This is the dilemma all crossdressers have to face, do we tell, when do we tell...

I myself have never really run into this issue, since I am so shy I'm generally been a failure at dating women - generally never get past the first date etc.

So like you I have created a profile where I have been upfront that I crossdress, I have dated someone from pof and we went on dates as boy / girl and as girl / girl. There are girls out there that are accepting of us, unfortunately they are few and far between. I generally find that girls who are kinky, are more likely to be the ones who will accept you for who you are.

It is easy to get depress about it all, and I have been there... My goal is to make myself more available, working on my shyness is going to take some effort... In the meantime I will have fun and hopefully make lots of great new friends.
 Janet4ever
Joined: 4/14/2008
Msg: 4
Crossdressing; tell up front, or wait? Another bad experience.
Posted: 8/6/2008 3:48:40 PM
I think it's not necessary until you get to know if it's someone you'll be intimate with.

I ain't telling 'bout my tightie-whities until I have to.

It's a personal choice.
 electric-gypsy
Joined: 10/23/2007
Msg: 5
view profile
History
Crossdressing; tell up front, or wait? Another bad experience.
Posted: 8/6/2008 4:06:25 PM
Cross-dressing is rather a big bomb to drop. I'd be horrified to discover my man had such a bizarre habit. I'd be furious to have wasted my time on him. If it shames you, get therapy to stop. If you intend to continue, you have a duty to make it known on your profile.
 realgoodman2have
Joined: 6/29/2008
Msg: 6
Crossdressing; tell up front, or wait? Another bad experience.
Posted: 8/6/2008 4:07:22 PM
Dude or Dudette depending on the clothes. IMHO it seems that the issue is within the abused childhood more than anything else. I am a firm beliver in live & let live but, butt floss is for ladies. I know that I will be blasted for this but drag shows are best in Vegas.
 quirkyenglish68
Joined: 2/13/2008
Msg: 7
Crossdressing; tell up front, or wait? Another bad experience.
Posted: 8/6/2008 4:07:33 PM
@my2cntsin

I'm sorry you run into a crossdresser like that, those kind I just want to ****slap... but you get a weird one in every lifestyle type... how many 'normal' hetreo ***holes are there, women don't stop dating men because some are bad seeds


It's an obsession and addiction..


Yes it is I won't deny it... but so is alcoholism, buying too many shoes, watching nothing but reality tv...

It's not a lifestyle choice I would make or have made, I have to live with it... just the same as being too short, too fat, or having health problems... you live with it and deal with it as best you can...
 electric-gypsy
Joined: 10/23/2007
Msg: 8
view profile
History
Crossdressing; tell up front, or wait? Another bad experience.
Posted: 8/6/2008 4:07:35 PM
Cross-dressing is rather a big bomb to drop. I'd be horrified to discover my man had such a bizarre habit. I'd be furious to have wasted my time on him. If it shames you, get therapy to stop. If you intend to continue, you have a duty to make it known on your profile.
 realgoodman2have
Joined: 6/29/2008
Msg: 9
Crossdressing; tell up front, or wait? Another bad experience.
Posted: 8/6/2008 4:12:17 PM
Sorry but my gaydar is going to the redline.
 vivaciousvixen2
Joined: 3/1/2008
Msg: 10
Crossdressing; tell up front, or wait? Another bad experience.
Posted: 8/6/2008 4:12:49 PM
I am friends with a man on here who is a crossdresser. I had an ex boyfriend who when I turned around one day, he was wearing my undies and well .........................whatever.
I knew he was straight. He just like to feel "the feminine". And I think whatever silks your fishnets. If it makes you happy be who you are. It is only clothing!!!!! Be upfront, some women dig it!!!!!!!
 realgoodman2have
Joined: 6/29/2008
Msg: 11
Crossdressing; tell up front, or wait? Another bad experience.
Posted: 8/6/2008 4:16:46 PM
U R BI ACCEPT IT AND FIND UR LIFEMATE.
Crossdressing; tell up front, or wait? Another bad experience.
Posted: 8/6/2008 4:40:53 PM
Quirky - I really really like your view. You are level headed, practical, smart and funny.

You gals - would you let a little thing like sharing your shoes get in the way of a person who has their stuff so totally together?

Loving people is about acceptance of them - in all of their facets.
 arwen52
Joined: 3/13/2008
Msg: 13
view profile
History
Crossdressing; tell up front, or wait? Another bad experience.
Posted: 8/6/2008 6:02:45 PM

Sorry but my gaydar is going to the redline

Most of the gay men I know are not crossdressers and many crossdressers are not gay.

OP, I don't know what to tell you. Don't have any experience with it. That's a tough one.
 crushkerry23
Joined: 6/6/2007
Msg: 14
view profile
History
Crossdressing; tell up front, or wait? Another bad experience.
Posted: 8/6/2008 7:45:21 PM
I am the last person to judge anyone, being visually impaired on an internet dating site is not always easy. I know it can be hard to wade through the people, passing the ones that just could never see themselves dating me because I can’t see perfectly like the other girls they know.
I am perfectly willing to accept that some won’t wish to date me, simply because I can’t see, and I don’t begrudge them that because it is their right…just as long as they aren’t nasty about it.
At the same time, I could not feel comfortable dating someone that cross dressed. It just wouldn’t work for me.
I have had my own experience with dating someone that turned out to be gay.
I was younger and so were they at the time and so I wasn’t able to recognize the signs of the situation I was in and had to have the truth of it laid out for me.
Now, I understand that just because someone may enjoy wearing woman’s clothing, underwear or whatever, that doesn’t necessarily mean they are gay, but that doesn’t make a difference.
There are just some things that aren’t really fair.
For instance, a woman can wear her boyfriend’s boxers or his shirts and it is all ok, but if a man comes out wearing a pair of his girlfriend’s panties it is weird and strange.
I guess there are just those things in society that aren’t equal.
Just as I found it a deal breaker when the guy I was dating got a naval ring. I couldn’t get past it and see it for anything but a sign of femininity.
Now, cross dressing or getting a navel ring as a man may not mean homosexuality, but everyone has the right to do what is best for them.
We should leave the gay bashing out of it and do our best to be compassionate and understanding, even if a relationship with that person may not work.
As for when it is appropriate to tell the person you may be dating…
Well, I think it is a rather important thing. Now, if it doesn’t matter to that other person than fine, it is out and the relationship can continue to progress.
But, if it isn’t going to work for the person than they deserve to have that information early on so both people can move on and not waste time and grow more attached.
I guess from my experience when I was younger I feel stronger about this than some people might, but I try my best to be empathetic and kind as that is what I would hope for from others.
 quirkyenglish68
Joined: 2/13/2008
Msg: 15
Crossdressing; tell up front, or wait? Another bad experience.
Posted: 8/6/2008 8:28:02 PM

Are there not sites devoted to this sort of thing, where you may find that
extremely rare woman that could accept or encourage this behavior?


Yes there are, but generally they are paid for websites, so members don't usually bother to pay and just use the basic membership to look which usually means that they can't contact each other unless they pay... this is why this website is so popular we are all cheapskates :)


...but really it just equates to anything that detracts from a mans masculinity, which is usually a primary requirement for sexual attraction!


I actually agree women's sexual attraction to men is partially based on his masculinity, on his ability to protect and provide, if your a crossdresser you might be viewed as weak, less masculine therefore less of a man. In fact lots of crossdressers do very manly jobs, as policemen, firemen, in the military etc. A lot of crossdressers will overcompensate their masculinity - I'm guilty of this too I went to the gym to build muscle.

I would bet you could take a group of a 100 or more men and you wouldn't be able to tell who were the crossdressers among them - I'd be easy to point out since my eyebrows are lot thinner but I'm the exception.
 ~~~PlayNice~~~
Joined: 10/29/2007
Msg: 16
view profile
History
Crossdressing; tell up front, or wait? Another bad experience.
Posted: 8/6/2008 8:33:18 PM
i'd think for your own piece of mind, it would be best to let people know before you meet. to do otherwise would be like lying by omission about who you are if this truly is something that you feel you must do. a big thing for me when people lie is that they've made a decision for me without giving me the option to choose. major violation. sure, you may not get as many responses in the beginning but when you do meet someone, you'll know it's someone that you have a chance of having an honest relationship with without having to suppress who you are.

quirky has a great attitude! while i may not date a crossdresser, i would definitely not rule him out as a friend. the very fact that you are afraid to reveal it upfront leads me to believe that it's something you're ashamed of. if you have to trick me to go out with you, i'd have to wonder what else you were hiding from me. just a thought...
 quirkyenglish68
Joined: 2/13/2008
Msg: 17
Crossdressing; tell up front, or wait? Another bad experience.
Posted: 8/6/2008 9:02:47 PM

The contrast between your regular self (very manly) and your girlie self is unbelievably striking!


Cool! Thanks this reinforces what I was posting about earlier, as a guy I'm no different from any other guy - aside from the slight quirk.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 18
view profile
History
Crossdressing; tell up front, or wait? Another bad experience.
Posted: 8/7/2008 6:15:26 AM
I would have it in your profile and be upfront about it from the first email. It's no different than discovering your date is a smoker after the first meeting and you don't care for that. Cross dressing is not easy for many women to handle.
I do have to agree with the above poster who mentioned your childhood should not be 'date' conversation, get yourself some therapy to deal with it, the woman sitting across from you is there for dinner not to be your analyst.
 vivaciousvixen2
Joined: 3/1/2008
Msg: 19
Crossdressing; tell up front, or wait? Another bad experience.
Posted: 8/7/2008 6:27:36 AM
Like anything, people are judgmental. I am friends with a man who is a crossdresser. Don't tell anybody until you choose to trust them. Do not date them. Get to know them as people slowly. Put on your brakes brother. You don't need your heart broken by a jugemental person or a person calling you a gay. Take it really slow.
 Gwendolyn2010
Joined: 1/22/2006
Msg: 20
Crossdressing; tell up front, or wait? Another bad experience.
Posted: 8/7/2008 7:46:10 AM

Again the assumptions that I might be gay, and I 'should explore that side of my life more' and all the thoughts that prelude the eventual 'I don't think we're right for each other' speech.


This woman might have assumed that you are gay, but that would not be the assumption of every woman who finds crossdressing unappealing. I understand that "gay" and "crossdresser" and not synonymous, but I would not get involved with a man who wants to wear women's clothes--it is, simply, not appealing to me (even if I never saw him in those clothes).

This isn't a moral judgment because I simply don't care what people do in such arenas. I have a very good male friend who is into BDSM--that doesn't appeal to me either, and though we are friends, we would never be intimate for that reason alone. I don't find men who who wear fanny packs or crocs appealing, either (both recent POF forum topics). Shallow? Who cares? It's my decision.

You should tell women ASAP--why let a relationship begin only to be shot down later?



I'm not sure I can go on like this any more.


I do sympathize with you, but go on in which way?


ack, narrow little minds are so incredibly dull.


Not wanting to date a crossdresser isn't necessarily the result of having a "narrow mind." We all have our likes and dislikes--it is a narrow mind that judges others based on their personal preferences. Some women like obese men--I don't, does that make my mind "narrow"? We have certain stimuli that turn us off and turn us on; crossdressing fulfills a need for the OP. People who find it unappealing need their "fulfillment," as well; if they can't find it with a crossdresser, why should they be judged any differently than he?

QuirkyEnglish--for sure, I wouldn't date a man who looks better than I do in women's clothes!

 Gwendolyn2010
Joined: 1/22/2006
Msg: 21
Crossdressing; tell up front, or wait? Another bad experience.
Posted: 8/7/2008 8:43:03 AM

my reference to "narrow minds" was made specifically towards people who would reject a cross-dresser based solely on the fact that he is a cross-dresser. in other words, if you met this person and got to know him and you love everything else about the man, but discovering that he's a cross-dresser sends you right over the edge, then yes... that *is* narrow-minded. in my opinion.
but being narrow-minded is just another personal choice that's available to anyone, isn't it.


If I got to know a man who was a crossdresser and several months into the relationship he told me, then he is a liar--and it wouldn't have slipped his mind: it would be a lie by omission.

I don't associate with liars either in friendships or love relationships.

I would date a bisexual man, as long as he doesn't wear my undies.

If I wanted someone in pink lace, I would date a woman, and if I were bi, I would not be attracted to a mannish woman.
 quirkyenglish68
Joined: 2/13/2008
Msg: 22
Crossdressing; tell up front, or wait? Another bad experience.
Posted: 8/7/2008 9:39:32 AM

QuirkyEnglish--for sure, I wouldn't date a man who looks better than I do in women's clothes!


Ack! I can't seriously believe this is an issue that women will have regarding crossdressers.

I've been out dressed as a girl on dates with a girl, I may have been thinner than her, but she was certainly far more prettier than me, and when we were at the club together - despite my having my arms around her or having her on my lap (and we were snogging most of the night) - the guys would come up to her and chat her up (completely ignoring me of course).

BTW I actually really want to date as a regular guy, do the regular guy / girl date things, I never really expect my date to be involved with my dressing - hmmm maybe I need to add that to my profile - in fact she may never need to she me dressed, though I hope she would.

OP - sorry I feel like I've hijacked your thread.
 Gwendolyn2010
Joined: 1/22/2006
Msg: 23
Crossdressing; tell up front, or wait? Another bad experience.
Posted: 8/7/2008 11:31:41 AM

Ack! I can't seriously believe this is an issue that women will have regarding crossdressers.


I can't seriously believe that you took my comment seriously.


that is because cross-dressing is obviously some kind of a really big deal to you. and by big deal, i mean in a negative wayl


Obviously, it is a big deal, period; if it were not, the OP wouldn't have started this thread.

If you are comfortable dating men who keep things from you, then that is your choice. If a man, or woman, keeps back a detail that he/she thinks will negatively affect a relationship, then that person is simply not being honest.

I find it amusing and hypocritical that you continue to semi-bash me for my opinions and preferences when I didn't bash the OP for his--I merely said that a crossdressing male isn't for me and IF someone kept that secret, he was a liar by omission.

I had a three month relationship with a man who, on the third date, told me he had engaged in sex with other men. I didn't dump him for that, but several weeks later when he also told me that he didn't think it was "stealing" to take things from work, he didn't last a lot longer.

There are just some things one wants to know upfront.
 platypus_man
Joined: 8/29/2007
Msg: 24
view profile
History
Crossdressing; tell up front, or wait? Another bad experience.
Posted: 8/7/2008 6:26:23 PM
Well, there seems to be no clear answer here, although I'm seeing that most would prefer to know up front. That pretty much eliminates real world dating, because I don't go out 'dressed up'.

Crossdressing, well, the mental health world doesn't know what to call it. We've been recategorized several times because of that. It's not an addiction, it's not a compulsion, it does not respond to any known therapy. Consciously suppressing the desire to crossdress works temporarily, until the desire overwhelms other thoughts and interferes with other parts of our lives. It's a more or less constant feeling that you're in the wrong clothes; kind of like, well, think of being at a formal function but wearing a bathing suit. Technically, you've covered any private areas of your body, but you feel uncomfortable none the less, and feel the need to change what you're wearing.

Most are just common misconceptions. Crossdressing is not an 'addiction'. If it was, you could stop it by addressing it as such. That doesn't work. A fetish is something that a person requires in order to get sexually excited, and usually involves one particular type of item, whether it be a baseball bat, a feather, or a pair of panties. It doesn't usually involve any entire outfits such as scuba gear or such, neither does it involve dressing completely in the clothes of the opposite sex. My crossdressing has nothing to do with having sex, and a large percentage of crossdressers don't do so for sexual stimulation. I don't have sex dressed as a female. Dressing up completely as the opposite sex to have sex is called transvestism. I know, to some I'm splitting hairs, but there is quite a difference in the behavior. A girlfriend wouldn't have to deal with or be faced with me wearing female clothing if she didn't want to; but it's only fair that she know that I do it, just the same, because at some point she's very likely to come across some evidence of that activity and shouldn't have to be surprised by it. As odd as it is for most of you to understand, that's the way it is for most crossdressers. While we would love for someone to love us for everything we are, we understand that there are some things that we will participate in without our partner's companionship, much as most men don't enjoy participating in going shopping with a woman for clothing, accessories and such (although I guess you could call this one instance where this would be a 'benefit' of dating a crossdresser, because we will gladly go shopping with you, although probably not to buy anything for ourselves).

There are no real straight girl-crossdresser dating sites. If you do a search, you will find some; but those are all populated by men, and men posing as girls. They put up a few fake female profiles to draw people into paying large monthly fees in hope of finding someone, but if you chat with the guys on there, no one has ever dated a girl from those sites. There is about half of one percent of women who aren't bothered with crossdressing, but I don't know how to find them. As there is no way in hell that I could ever 'pass', going out in public dressed up in female attire is just a recipe for disaster.

Last but not least, although it confuses the straight world to no end, most crossdressers are straight. Most gay folks dress in the 'appropriate' attire for their physical sex, so if you're looking for gay folks, well, they probably dress just like you do (at least the ones that I've met do). So, looking in the mirror might very well set off your 'gaydar'. Only in the movies do you see gay people dressing up as the opposite sex all the time, again, because those movies are written by straight folks who have no idea of what they're writing about. People like to think that they can spot homosexuals easily, by expecting them all to be 'flaming faggots' or 'bull dykes', but that's not the real world, folks. I think Rock Hudson and Lisabeth Scott proved that point wrong a very long time ago. The reality is, gay folks for the most part, are just like everyone else, other than what they do in their bedrooms.
 platypus_man
Joined: 8/29/2007
Msg: 25
view profile
History
Crossdressing; tell up front, or wait? Another bad experience.
Posted: 8/7/2008 9:58:33 PM
This is for IWishItWasSummer, and no, it's not a stupid question.

If you ask 10 therapists of different disciplines, you will get 10 different answers. Freudians say everything goes back to early childhood and mother son issues, behaviorists say no, it's conditioning only. If you read every theory and try to fit something into one and only one, you go nuts.

Lots of things influenced me as a kid into this; I will email you with the rest, it's really not appropriate to post it all here.
Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > Crossdressing; tell up front, or wait? Another bad experience.