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 EdwardPartSix
Joined: 4/6/2007
Msg: 2
Guys who want to hang out spur of the moment at the start of a relationship...Page 1 of 11    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11)
Some guys are just spontaneous. Some girls like that. There is absolutely nothing wrong with it, and it's just something you don't like. Tell them and move on.
 YingKissesYang
Joined: 5/12/2005
Msg: 3
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Guys who want to hang out spur of the moment at the start of a relationship...
Posted: 8/14/2008 5:30:49 AM
""""keep meeting men....who want to get together at a moment's notice to "hang out" at my place or theirs as a first date. Is anyone else uncomfortable with this?"""

Don't do it! I've asked a bunch of gals to, and it wasn't cause I wanted to "chill" with my buddy. Or I'd call my friend Bret or Brian, who probably don't want me hanging out either!

"""Too bad that the guys do this don't get a chance to read it. Actually, it's too bad they consider such an approach to be a good dating practice."""

Yes they do and no they don't! Remember someone wrote "Anyone over the age of 7 knows what they are doing".
 windloverr
Joined: 2/29/2008
Msg: 4
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Guys who want to hang out spur of the moment at the start of a relationship...
Posted: 8/14/2008 5:58:43 AM
For me personally, to make a date now, for three days from now, adds a degree of formality, and mechanaization to the process I don't like. It may sound silly; but at that point I kind of feel like I have to go, instead of get to go. Also, you can't "plan" having a blast. We could have a blast tonight; three days from now I might feel like crap; or be in the mood for something sedate. The only way you can guarantee you will be in the mood to do something; is to do it WHILE you are in the mood. Let me go through your arguments from my perspective.

A)Great, I don't want a one night stand either; and it is not at all tacky to set the ground rules down in the beginning; but say it from a positive angle; i.e. "I just want to say up front, that I'm not looking to jump hastily into a sexual relationship; but for just hanging out, sounds fun." This is common and acceptable practice. If the guy agrees, then tries to push the issue, leave; you wouldn't have gotten along anyway.


B)I don't want to set the stage for becoming your booty call.
Then don't. That's disrespectful to yourself, and the guy.
I don't trust MYSELF
OK, here you got me. I cannot argue with this. You know yourself better than anyone, and if you are not comfortable, then don't do it. Period. You DON'T need to set up all of these rules that dance around the issue; just say "I'm just not comfortable with that at this point." Period, end of argument.

I don't want you to think that I have such little respect for myself, that I will drop all of my other plans just to be with you, whenever you suddenly find time for me.
I wouldn't ask you out in the first place if you had no respect for yourself. It's last minute; I know you may have plans; and if you can't break them, I understand. However, if you do break them, it tells me that a/you're fun and spontaneous; and b/you enjoy spending time with me. If your plans were to paint your toe nails, hang out on the POF forums, or read a book; and you WON'T break them; that tells me a lot too. It tells me that spending time with me has so little value to you, that quite frankly, you'd rather be alone and bored. Next. Degree of interest has ZERO correlation with calling at the last minute or not.

Furthermore, I don't want to be the one you know will come through when your first or second choice doesn't.
Why not? It may be my opportunity to discover what an incredible gem you are; and to be absolutely grateful #1 and #2 canceled; and your opportunity to show me how silly I was for calling you third.

The 20th anniversary story would go something like: "How'd you guys get together?" and my response would be, "I had the incredible good fortune of being turned down twice in one night....." This is obviously only good in the beginning of a relationship; if you've been out a couple of times; and you're still 2nd or 3rd, this isn't someone you want to date anyway.

I don't want to be the one you know you can count on when your secret girlfriend or wife suddenly announces she's going to go visit her mother for the night.
This is actually sad; and speaks to trust. If you don't trust someone, don't go out with them. You will be a lot happier if you trust people. If they let you down, then say goodbye.

To plan, signifies the ability to plan. Period. A guy who is married, or dating several people MUST be able to plan; so this proves nothing. It DOES NOT prove you are a higher priority, more valued, or that he is more single; it only proves he is more organized. If I am calling you to plan a date a week from now; you may be the 8th person I've called today trying to set up a date; and if #2 suddenly becomes available, I can always "have to work late" anyway. Same if he's married. His wife knows he "Always hangs with the guys on Friday" He can make a Friday date with you for two months from now...still married.


I've been accused of not being spontaneous, having too many "rules", and of playing games for holding to this. What do you think?
Honestly? I agree. I respect and understand "Reasons", and the only true "reason" you have for any of your decisions is "I don't trust myself...." The rest are philosophical arguments without solid foundations. I don't mean to be a jerk here; but quite frankly, I wouldn't date someone who held tight to this. On the flip side; if our schedules were so whacked, that the only way we could see each other would be to schedule it; I would be willing to schedule two years out. The issue is why.
 zangie
Joined: 5/30/2007
Msg: 8
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Guys who want to hang out spur of the moment at the start of a relationship...
Posted: 8/14/2008 8:45:24 PM

No one should have to lower their standards, but at the same time you need to be more open-minded than this to successfully date. The assumptions that the OP makes about men is a horrid generalization, and we all know what bad things can happen when you generalize an entire gender. Lighten-up, OP, and just do some better weeding.


You know what? I used to always give everyone the benefit of the doubt..I used to always assume that someone had good intentions until proved otherwise..my experience with online dating has ( as much as I hate it) made me way more cautious..

It is not so easy to tell these things before you actually meet someone in person...they can say anything they want..until you meet them and get a feel for them in person..it isn't always easy to determine their motivations( sometimes even after that..some are very good)..so, the first date should be neutral and safe...

Look...I am not saying all guys are like this at all..but..if in my time online..I have run into more that are than aren't..wouldn't you say it is reasonable to assume I need to be cautious to some extent..since it isn't as easy to tell as men seem to think it is ( and I am reasonably intelligent , pretty good intuitions , pragmatic..etc.), seems prudent to avoid situations where I can get blindsided...I am normally a trusting person..but, after the attempted physical assault ( in a public parking lot), and the verbal assault in a restaurant ( and trust me...nothing in their prior behavior was any indication)..I have reluctantly come to the conclusion that I am either way stupider than I thought I was..or some guys just fake it well..

I have not agreed to meet many men who's agenda's were obviously on a different page than mine...but, I have to say...since getting back into the dating scene after years away..I was shocked to discover how MANY men do feel entitled to sex immediately, like it's a right of theirs? Especially if they buy dinner..which is why I generally refuse...there has been a definite change..and it is one I am not comfortable with...

I hate this..really I do..it's not me..and I still believe ( maybe somewhat naively) that most men aren't like this..but, after my experiences, and many forum posts...I am wondering which are in the majority anymore?

There is also the common comment of men..well...choose better..notwithstanding the above mentioned difficulties in reading minds...one is limited to those who find you attractive..it's all well and good for some to say they aren't like that..but, If I am not someone they would wish to date..doesn't do me a lot of good?..lol...

All that being said...I am mostly just commenting on how it happens to some women that they get suspicious or cynical...if you are constantly bombarded with overt and covert comments from men..you begin to wonder. And if someone like me, obviously not in the top % of hotness gets it a lot...I can imagine what happens with the really attractive women?

So, eazk..who's posts I generally appreciate...as a man..can men really understand how it feels from our point of view? And how do you suggest we become more "open" without putting our comfort zone or safety at risk? I don't know if men truly understand how scary it can be...

I really would rather not worry about this..honestly...
 SASSYN89178
Joined: 2/19/2007
Msg: 9
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Guys who want to hang out spur of the moment at the start of a relationship...
Posted: 8/14/2008 8:52:03 PM
For a 1st date,(and assuming the man isn't still in college), for him to expect to come over and hang out with you is CHEAP!!!!
It's not all about the money, however I would suggest you watch the Today show for their Relationship 101 segments.
If you can't afford a cup of coffee, soda, or****ail you shouldn't be dating.
Calling at the last minute when she hasn't even had a 1st date with the man is disrespectful. Calling at 10 pm to see what you're doing when not in a relationship is pathetic.
A man doesn't have to ask a woman out 1 week in advance, but 1 days notice is not too much to ask. For the gentleman who said he feels like his "has" to go on the date, maybe you shouldn't be dating. I didn't read your profile but you act like you're over 60 and maybe too tired to handle the date.
We've become so relaxed that manners have gone out the door. I've had men show up to meet me for coffee who look like they just finished cleaning out the garage.
Why would you let a man over to your house who you barely know?
 YingKissesYang
Joined: 5/12/2005
Msg: 10
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Guys who want to hang out spur of the moment at the start of a relationship...
Posted: 8/14/2008 9:36:15 PM
""The assumptions that the OP makes about men is a horrid generalization, and we all know what bad things can happen when you generalize an entire gender. ""

Hey fella, what planet are you from? Did you read any other posts here to gage what is going on. If so, you would read MOST WOMEN SAID DON'T DO IT. It is "codeword" for "I really don't care who I meet right now, the first women to say "yes", I'm heading to her place". Maybe YOU don't do it. But that is the opposite of "generalizing" you and two other guys on POF are the rare knights in shining armour, who understand how women think and what they want. Do you want a woman? Do you? If so, your meeting "ideas" better be 50/50 in sync.

If you have so little respect for a ladies time, or anyones busy schedule, that all you can think up is "can I come over now", then maybe she is concerned the rest of your lifestyle, career, personality, sex skills, etc are also lacking.

9/10 women seem to agree in this thread. So it's not "generalizing" at all, its a common pattern. A COMMON PATTERN...

"""Most guys are just going to invite women over to their house to see if they can get lucky.""" That's what I do. I'm a sexalogical sexuaholic kissing fiend love making machine, just ask anyone. But, if I really want to get to know a woman, I plan a date. Ever watch those "Dating Shows". Not one has ever showed up late at nite to "hang out". People actually go on interesting fun dates. What a concept. Or is that a generaliziation?

Zangie, are you "generalizing" too: """..I used to always assume that someone had good intentions until proved otherwise..my experience with online dating has ( as much as I hate it) made me way more cautious."""

Zangie, how many emails or messages have you gotten from guys on here wanting to "hook up" or meet you late at nite to "hang out"?
 zangie
Joined: 5/30/2007
Msg: 11
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Guys who want to hang out spur of the moment at the start of a relationship...
Posted: 8/14/2008 10:06:32 PM

Zangie, how many emails or messages have you gotten from guys on here wanting to "hook up" or meet you late at nite to "hang out"?


Thank you mudpackers..so many I lost count a long time ago...lol...
 RoughAsGuts
Joined: 7/27/2008
Msg: 12
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Guys who want to hang out spur of the moment at the start of a relationship...
Posted: 8/14/2008 10:40:44 PM
I was about to say something but MrSnapHappy took the words right out of my mouth.

It has everything to do with a womans focus and direction in life as well as a mans, but if you choose to entertain the notion that there are winners and losers when it comes to dating then we are all losers in the end. You got to look at yourself and what you gain from the journey and not what guy ended up making your evening unpleasant, because he wanted to get into your pants. If your an adult then you can move past any mishaps and take them as a learning experience and not a justification for being more jaded with your situation in general.
 zangie
Joined: 5/30/2007
Msg: 13
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Guys who want to hang out spur of the moment at the start of a relationship...
Posted: 8/14/2008 10:44:47 PM

So this has now officially turned into a male-bashing thread.

Girls...you really need to learn a better process than what you are going through.

And while I fundamentally agree with the OPie's OP, this later stuff is just sad...very sad that this is how you handle things.

Oh well, hope it works for you.


OK..now you hurt my feelings...I wasn't male bashing at all...I was honestly asking you how you think it should be handled..it is a very real concern for me...and I always respected your point of view.

I like men...I am just trying to walk the line between being open..and setting myself up...seems men are always saying we should screen better...I'm trying to avoid bad situations here, and not get jaded or cynical..I asked for your advice..sorry if that somehow seemed to be bashing you....

EDIT: what am handling or not handling...I am still open , and I am still dating?
 RoughAsGuts
Joined: 7/27/2008
Msg: 14
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Guys who want to hang out spur of the moment at the start of a relationship...
Posted: 8/14/2008 10:52:19 PM
How difficult is it really? To just go out to a public place and get to know a person until you feel comfortable with them? Yes I agree inviting them home is a bad idea, especially if you dont know them at all. But to think women are hapless victims here is a stupid disempowering way of looking at things. You ladies have the power to discern and choose, stop thinking like men make all the choices for you. And if there are creeps out there and your powers of discernment failed, then you will be better at it next time. Most women get a vibe off a man that is desperate, just follow your gut.

Ive seen so many women this day and age just focus on looks and think because he is hot or young then he must not be a sleaze. This whole approach is flawed, i would much rather a girl take the time to chat and then make her mind up, than just take one glance and be done with it. Thats why ugly well meaning guys end up dateless, and you ladies with your compromised judgement end up almost date raped by creeps looking like Brad Pitt! lol, and then have the audacity to rant on about it, thinking its the man who was at fault and not your powers of discerning good character! hehe.

Good luck ladies, but dont play the blame game, your all better than that.
 zangie
Joined: 5/30/2007
Msg: 15
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Guys who want to hang out spur of the moment at the start of a relationship...
Posted: 8/14/2008 11:05:59 PM

If somebody acts like a player then don't go out with him,there's a differance between being cautious and being paranoid.


You know..I can't speak for anyone but myself..I NEVER said don't trust any man..for pete's sake..and I am not talking about players at all,...I am not attractive enough for players to even contact me...I was talking about seemingly normal, average guys, who pressure..and asking how to avoid becoming paranoid about it..because I am not..I haven't stopped dating, I still assume risk...I can't believe how some of you have totally misunderstood what I was trying to say...

I was asking for perspective and trying to explain what happens..if I expressed it poorly, I'm sorry...I was just trying to present how overwhelming it can become and how hard it is not to fall into the fear...forgive me for expressing an honest emotion and for looking for some feedback from men ...I wasn't expecting to get attacked for just relating some of my experiences.

I wasn't attacking all men, sorry if it read that way...I was trying to explain how hard it is to keep one's optimism when you have several bad experiences...
 YingKissesYang
Joined: 5/12/2005
Msg: 16
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Guys who want to hang out spur of the moment at the start of a relationship...
Posted: 8/14/2008 11:27:51 PM
"""If your an adult then you can move past any mishaps and take them as a learning experience and not a justification for being more jaded with your situation in general.""" I think its pretty clear, cut and dried, copy and paste, obvious even to the naive, that most women have LEARNED, and that's what they are saying. They have LEARNED that most guys who email them or call late at nite at the last minute want sex, or female companionship. Even those here M and F who disagreed with that theory said "I hardly go out at the last minute with friends, let alone strangers". That's not being JADED, thats gained from LEARNING EXPERIENCES.

"""So this has now officially turned into a male-bashing thread.
Girls...you really need to learn a better process than what you are going through."""


How's about a few quotes to back up what you say? I'll bet anything a lady here has said no doubt, WAS A RESPONSE to a male who said "Don't be so afraid, be open minded, stop generalizing that so many men want quick sex". This has not officially turned into a male bashing thread, but give it a day or two. Eazk, you are female bashing, just by saying "it is a male bashing thread". Nowhere have I read (and I read almost every reply, anyone else?) "male bashing". Zangie and desertflower said "Oh this is very common". Uh, that's not male bashing, thats THEIR SCORECARD. If you want to change the score, a lot of guys will have to change their agenda (not every guy, just most of them that email Zangie and Desertwildflower, and ------------, and -----------------, and ----------------, and------------.

I'm not gonna change, I see three new women within 100 miles that might be bored and want some company at midnite, because I have an UNOPENED CARTON OF DREYERS CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIE DOUGH ICE CREAM, and 1/2 flat of fresh strawberries. I am not gonna lie and say men don't try and bribe all women with ice cream late at nite (Oh yeah, and I got a 42" TV and 3 sofas, its a sextional of course).
 TxSippiGal
Joined: 9/30/2007
Msg: 19
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Guys who want to hang out spur of the moment at the start of a relationship...
Posted: 8/15/2008 4:11:41 PM
Well I lost out on what I thought was a "promising" relationship because I wanted him to set aside a time to be with me. My reasoning was really very practical.. I have some responsiblities because I have an elderly house mate who I live with and I had to arrange for a sitter to come in and be with her while we went out. I requested 3 days notice or at least some kind of warning. He was a great date.. concentrated on me totally on our dates..

He seemed ok with it.. and after I checked him out found some friends who knew him.. etc.. and we started what I thought was a more relaxed relationship I told him that he could come over any time and we would go in the back den and watch dvd's etc. and then we could be alone after my housemate went to bed.

But he informed me that he had changed his mind.. he felt it was too big of a hassle because of our schedules (namely he didn't want to have to plan ahead to take me out).. and I lived too far away.

I finally decided that probably I was not his first choice sometimes to date.. or that he had found better fodder some where else..

But I was not sorry that I had asked this of him because #1 it was reasonable.. and #2 if he truely was interested in me this would have been a small thing to him.. so I am glad to be rid of him.

But to me in the initial beginings of a relationship.. I think that planned times to go out is best.. it shows a lady that you are interested enough in her to set aside time for her. Then after I would say a month or so then it can relax. I am highly suspicous of a guy who would not happily comply with that because it would imply to me a "booty call".
 arwen52
Joined: 3/13/2008
Msg: 20
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Guys who want to hang out spur of the moment at the start of a relationship...
Posted: 8/15/2008 5:15:36 PM
I'm not usually available on such short notice. I have a full life. I've met those guys, too. If they call and I'm available and interested, I'll say, "Sure. You're lucky you got me on such notice. I tend to stay rather busy and usually am not available on such short notice but this is nice that this worked out." That way they know not to assume I'll always be so available.

If I already have plans, I tell them so. "Gosh, too bad but I already have plans. Next time, give me some advance notice and I'd love to _____." Then they know I'm still potentially interested but they need to book ahead.

If I'm not busy but I prefer being given some notice, I'll tell them, "I'm not available tonight but if you let me know ahead of time, I'd love to _____ next time."

No big deal. They either figure it out or they don't.
 ncdamsel
Joined: 10/1/2006
Msg: 21
Guys who want to hang out spur of the moment at the start of a relationship...
Posted: 8/15/2008 5:27:44 PM
prettite
i think what you had to say was right on the money, i feel the exact same way, your whole post was ... no less than alsome!!!!!!!!!! and well written, , and SO!!!!! true!!!!!!!!! wow!!!,
 YingKissesYang
Joined: 5/12/2005
Msg: 28
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Guys who want to hang out spur of the moment at the start of a relationship...
Posted: 8/16/2008 5:36:51 AM
"""is its HER reality...not necessarily that of the norm. Its amazing how just a few loud voices can sound like a crowd.
Most men arent predators""

Yeah, we know most of them aren't predators...you said that , not the women. They just don't want strange men meeting them at their house to hang out....nothing to do with the latest serial killer. What made you say that?

Hopeful you haven't learned a thing here have you? I'll bet Desert has had more BF's than you have had GF's....Before you spout out how others are wrong, why don't you go count the number of threads on POF where women went to bed with a guy, and he never called back, and add that too the the number of women who have told men "I don't want to meet for sex". Just do the numbers, forget opinions.

Its the most obvious fact of life there is: ASK ANYONE....men want quickie sex more than women do. Women love sex, with men they love. AND DON'T GIVE ME ONE itty bitty rare example that "disproves" that. Because if 99% of the time a pin can poke your eye out, I'm not gonna bet anything that 1% of the time that pin will be dull. Don't be dull, be sharp.
 Amazongypsy
Joined: 6/3/2007
Msg: 29
Guys who want to hang out spur of the moment at the start of a relationship...
Posted: 8/16/2008 5:56:39 AM
I think you're absolutely correct in your opinion. You shouldn't change your standards for anyone. All the reasons you gave are exactly why I don't do that same thing. If people can't respect your rules then are undeserving of spending time with you. I also think when someone takes the time to actually plan something out ahead of time it shows true interest instead of slapping something together at the last minute. Spontaneity is good but what does that have to do with hanging out at someone else's home? Its boring.
 metallica2007
Joined: 6/17/2008
Msg: 32
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Guys who want to hang out spur of the moment at the start of a relationship...
Posted: 8/16/2008 12:35:32 PM
At 43 you should go for as much "hang outs" as you can before you miss the train....lol
Ok, maybe this a very harsh answer but you've been very up your ****. Not every one are the same and "Hand Out" may actually mean to get to know you better..............lol

"A truely single guy is capable of....."? in what universe do you live? why do you think he is a truely single guy? lol. Think girl, Think ..............

If you like a guy....well, yeah you will drop your plan and maybe more than that.
 YingKissesYang
Joined: 5/12/2005
Msg: 36
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Guys who want to hang out spur of the moment at the start of a relationship...
Posted: 8/16/2008 2:50:06 PM
"""As such I don't "hang out" with people I don't know well, at their place or my own, thus putting myself in the potential position of being in an intimate setting with a possibly negative, emotional draining or unhealthy person. """

There's another vote for common sense!

Could pretite please stop posting 4 seperate posts every 2 minutes? USE THE "EDIT POST" clicker under your name, and add more, like this:

Edit: I just clicked my post, and went back WITHIN 15 MINUTES, and editted this.

edit again: Who are these guys who really think most guys aren't interested in quickie sex? Hello......why do you think 9/10 women on POF write "friends first" in their profile. Since we only live once, I respect that women learned when they were young, NOT TO MEET STRANGE GUYS, they hardly know! You don't need to be DR. Phil to figure that out, but maybe, some people need to meet Dr. Phil, or Bill.
 STH III
Joined: 6/5/2008
Msg: 42
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Guys who want to hang out spur of the moment at the start of a relationship...
Posted: 8/18/2008 1:23:26 AM
Sometimes hanging out is just hanging out , they enjoy your company. Why would you not just make it clear that you would not be comfortable if he is expecting sex by saying "hanging out". It is very expensive to constantly go out and hanging out at home or your home can be fun and inexpensive. Contrary to popular beliefs most of us don't have a secret girlfriend or wife, some of us are even honest, who wouda thunk it?lol.
 YingKissesYang
Joined: 5/12/2005
Msg: 43
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Guys who want to hang out spur of the moment at the start of a relationship...
Posted: 8/18/2008 2:07:46 AM
""they enjoy your company"""

Really, how do you figure that. Did you read much of this thread? since the two have barely ever met, if that???

Ladies, I'd enjoy your company too, on my terms, if your naked, cause I am to chicken to figure out a real date and make any kind of commitment. I can't even commit to 3 days from now, but I do "enjoy your company", but marriage is probably not even on the table for a guys like that.
 GoneSailinBabe
Joined: 7/6/2008
Msg: 45
Guys who want to hang out spur of the moment at the start of a relationship...
Posted: 8/18/2008 4:36:39 AM
to MrSnapHappy....Your choice to monopolize a topic in order to purport your own position is offending and appalling. The magnitude of intense Narcissism you reveal by doing so is also disturbing.

You stated early in this thread:

"The cost is, you simply have less opportunities to get to know people. You have less opportunities to enjoy being seduced. I suspect that if you had the fears which are at the source of your pessimism, you would be far too much in your head to get to know a person let alone get intimate with them. So I think it is wise of you to have a policy to avoid the situation all together. It saves those men from having to spend time with a politician anyhow."

This is some sort of really lame attempt to psycho analyze a woman into giving up sex in order that she experience the pleasure of being seduced.

What crap.

You're attempting to guilt the OP into being conned into sexual situations by planting in her head she's uptight and missing out, additionally you make statements indicating she needs to "loosen up" her standards and her principles at YOUR urging - as she is apparently not bright enough or intelligent enough to understand what it is she's missing out on by not being willing to be a booty call.

How odd. You don't understand the meaning of the term "booty call" but you DO know how to control and manipulate a woman into altering what she feels are her own morals and principles in order to suit your purposes?

Which is to be expected by you I would imagine which could possibly instilled in you given your culture influences upon your personal regard for women and men relationshipsa, your personal need appears to be to influence and dominate a woman's thoughts and behaviors to suit your whims and desires becomes further evident with each of your following posts.

Speaking for myself I found your postings in this thread to be very offensive.

Participation is not repeatedly coming in and posting a barrage of YOUR thoughts in order to instruct or teach the populace.

It's to give an opinion on the topic being discussed.

Make one opinionated statement and then move along. This topic/thread is not all about you.
 zangie
Joined: 5/30/2007
Msg: 48
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Guys who want to hang out spur of the moment at the start of a relationship...
Posted: 8/18/2008 6:11:09 PM

So after 2 dates, as one poster said, If I liked you and was not having a great week, why not hang out, order some chinese and watch a movie? This would probably be a last minute thought, not an after thought though.


Bob: I think you missed the point...the OP was speaking of someone she just met, who she doesn't know at all..suggesting going to his house or hers..totally different than someone you have already been out with...

I do find it interesting that you accuse some women of "man bashing", then write a whole post which basically bashes women? Pot meet kettle.



It's sad, but true, if all the guys you date are only trying for sex what is the common denominator, YOU! 10 guys have been on here saying they don't do it, but you blow by them or poo poo what they say due to your experience. A few women have said otherwise, but you ignore them to and cheer each other on for citing your negative experiences.


Can't speak for anyone else...but, I personally never said ALL men do anything..I said it happens a lot more than it doesn't..and some men don't seem to want to accept that. I never poo pooed any guys who said they weren't like that either...I have met and dated some who weren't...some men are so busy being defensive and claiming they aren't like that to get the point...I'm not saying all men do this...I'm saying enough do, that it makes you more cautious than usual...and that you can't determine a man's character or motives immediately at all. Men keep claiming we can...well, I'd like them to try being female for a day on here and see how it isn't that easy at all. The fact that I am discussing a problem that occurs in no way implies I think all men are this way, or trying to pick on men as a group. It is merely a discussion of some of the difficulties I have faced.



Average joe has to write 50 women to get one date. He maybe a great guy, who would treat you with respect but will not write you, due to the fact the wall starts out to high to climb.


I have no "requirements", none are listed on my profile and I don't insist on any. My only rule of thumb is that I don't have sex on a first date. I don't think respect is an unreasonable request, which, whether talking about that, or any other thing, is all I require. The sad fact is that women have to be more cautious than men, I don't particularly like that aspect of online dating, but, it is a reality.



It's sad, but true, if all the guys you date are only trying for sex what is the common denominator, YOU! 10 guys have been on here saying they don't do it, but you blow by them or poo poo what they say due to your experience.


This is the most offensive thing you said , in my opinion. Their is nothing about me that causes men to inappropriately talk about or insist on sex, other than that I am female. It happens to all women on here as far as I can tell. It certainly does to any I talk to off the forums. It is naive of you if you don't think there are many men out there who are looking just for sex..thank goodness for the honest ones. They try it with anyone they can (that they find attractive, most of the time)..has nothing to do with what the woman herself is like. If I had a "looking for NSA sex" vibe..this wouldn't be a problem now, would it? They wouldn't need to be dishonest, or sly.

I wish some guys would get something...it is not a reflection on you personally for anyone to talk about some bad experiences they have had. I do not punish the "good" guys in any way for what the "bad" have done, other than I am reasonably sure he is a good guy before I put myself in a vulnerable position. And if they really are "good" guys, concern for my comfort zone is a given.


I can't say how to change it for you, since you are OK missing great guys, why discuss it? You will continue to make the same mistakes you have already due to the fact you won't look at your own selection process if it keeps happening to you.


I'm not missing any great guys..I have met in person, and online,quite a few. In my case, it is the selection process itself that weeds out (most of the time), the more unsuited for me ones. I think you may , again, miss the point. I have never dated a player in my life. I have, however, on a first date, before I could possibly know too much about a man, been unpleasantly surprised by inappropriate behavior.

You can not assume what a person is like till you meet them in person. Many people online pretend to be something they are not..and it isn't so easy to tell online. No body language, no eye contact, not mannerisms. So, until I meet someone and get a sense of him...I am not going to put myself in a dangerous or uncomfortable position.And the really "good" guys understand this perfectly, and have no problem with it.

EDIT: Sorry for the length..didn't realize I wrote so much...
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 49
Guys who want to hang out spur of the moment at the start of a relationship...
Posted: 8/18/2008 6:16:49 PM

You can not assume what a person is like till you meet them in person. Many people online pretend to be something they are not..and it isn't so easy to tell online. No body language, no eye contact, not mannerisms. So, until I meet someone and get a sense of him...I am not going to put myself in a dangerous or uncomfortable position.And the really "good" guys understand this perfectly, and have no problem with it.

So very true.
 Miss Angele
Joined: 5/6/2007
Msg: 50
Guys who want to hang out spur of the moment at the start of a relationship...
Posted: 8/18/2008 6:25:34 PM
Prettite
Thank you for putting that into words so eloquently, there is nothing I can add except my nod of agreement.
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