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 *~Krysteene~*
Joined: 1/31/2008
Msg: 2
Advice about girl in work....Page 1 of 2    (1, 2)
Well, be stanoffish and laid back, then. Let her re-set the pace, but don't be a doormat.

Sounds like she's asking for space after an intense first few weeks. Let her have it, if you're not in a big hurry for a relationship. However, don't let her think you're just sitting around waiting for her to decide what she wants.

Krys
 Invictus01
Joined: 2/20/2008
Msg: 3
Advice about girl in work....
Posted: 8/14/2008 11:51:19 AM
Walk away man. She will drive you nuts with this crap and then start dating somebody else.
 Droleci
Joined: 4/21/2004
Msg: 4
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Advice about girl in work....
Posted: 8/14/2008 12:33:25 PM
A few things I don't understand...


however I was home by 1am and and we txt etc and she ended up coming back I am sure you know the rest


So you slept with the babe from work! Grats man!!!


she basically come out and apologised to me that she had neen off with me etc


Neen? She was sorry she had slept with you... Ouch dude....


and I kissed her, which she liked, but again she said to me she likes her men 'standoffish' and laid back....


If she "liked" being kissed by you (but you've already had sex with her?) and wanted more, she would not have told you to be "standoffish" - cause that translates as "don't kiss me"
 Droleci
Joined: 4/21/2004
Msg: 6
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Advice about girl in work....
Posted: 8/14/2008 12:58:07 PM
I dated a crazy girl for nearly a year that was on again, off again, I don't want a relationship with you, but I'll sleep with you and spend all my free time with you.

Is hard to do in long run. Was worthwhile cause hey, she'd sleep with me.

Best bet is find someone else. See how quickly she comes flockin' when jealousy comes a knockin'
 Practically Housebroken
Joined: 6/5/2007
Msg: 7
Advice about girl in work....
Posted: 8/14/2008 2:21:44 PM

Now were getting on great, she was all over me like a rash for 3 weeks. Then suddenly she stopped being as friendly etc in work, she seemed not to like me. This went on for a nother 3 weeks.

Let me see if I can put this as simply as possible.

Boy meets girl.
Boy seems cool and aloof.
Girl pursues boy.
Boy and girl have sex.
Boy seems insecure and predictable.
Boy chases girl.
Girl runs away.

It’s not that she doesn’t like you. She just liked the old you better.
 shieldvulf
Joined: 10/30/2006
Msg: 8
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Advice about girl in work....
Posted: 8/14/2008 2:34:37 PM
Ridiculous as it sounds, the eternal rule of thumb for successful courtship is that you want to be the party who appears less interested, which encourages the other party to come after you. If the other party is hip to the rule, then they stop short and pull back a little, to see if you come after them. And etc. until the divorce.

Ridiculous, but it has the practical advantage of stimulating and encouraging desire and pursuit on both sides, so that, once the sweet threshold is reached, it is no longer important who pursued and who was pursued. Everybody is tingling and impatient to get to it, and nobody is solely at fault if it tanks.

You're welcome.

Vulf

VVV Fair questions, OPie. Maybe the best thing I can tell you is that those who are good at the dance enjoy the dance, for its own sake. Think about playing without expectations. For one thing, it'll take the impatience out of your manner and make you seem more confident and less interested. And aren't those the ones we all want? VVV
 muskokaguy32
Joined: 4/3/2008
Msg: 10
Advice about girl in work....
Posted: 8/14/2008 2:37:50 PM
well office dating is not always easy and complicated since 2 of you work together . so this relationship might have some issues i'd suspect . its likely not going to be a perfectly normal one for the time being based on what you have said after it so far .
 MMORPGRTSFPS
Joined: 6/20/2008
Msg: 11
Advice about girl in work....
Posted: 8/14/2008 2:43:39 PM
She does sound confusing.

It almost sounds like she's into mind and emotion games. Something I hate.

I guess you can try to find out more by asking her what happened in her past to make her so stand-offish. Try to understand where she might be coming from. Try to work through any fears she might have.

But it can be difficult to figure out women, and some near impossible. But so much of who we are is based on our experiences, so your answers will lie with her past.
 Tony123123
Joined: 6/3/2007
Msg: 12
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Advice about girl in work....
Posted: 8/14/2008 2:55:28 PM
You are such a stud now your boss will want to sleep with you. What are you going to do??
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 13
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Advice about girl in work....
Posted: 8/14/2008 2:57:11 PM
Go about your business, spend time with your friends, if you feel like grabbing a bite to eat ask her if she would like to, if not, find someone else to go with. She will either decide that she wants the relationship or she doesn't. I wouldn't put too much thought into things since she sounds like she is going to flake on you.

The push me pull you crap other than giving her some more space and almost treating her more like a friend at this point, is just stupid even if it works because as Vulf said, this type of roller coaster crap eventually leads to the permanent break-up or divorce depending on how deep you got into things.
 thatswhatshesaid
Joined: 12/28/2007
Msg: 14
Advice about girl in work....
Posted: 8/14/2008 3:33:42 PM
we were having fun and getting on well and she found I was a nice bloke, and then her defences kicked in and put up a barrier,


Gawwwwwd! I think every potential girlfriend, boyfriend goes through a period like this. Personally, my solution is just to keep acting consistently, keep inviting them places, sending notes, whatever, with the same regularity, but just whatever you do, don't react and get lost. (that goes for women and men). I think backing off too much at that point when the other person's defenses kick in just reinforces their fears.


Hmmm, so you think I should be standoffish then and let her chase me again?

I don't think so, no.

And please Christ, whatever you do don't "talk it out." "Talking" all about their barriers, fears, defenses, whether it's a boyfriend or a girlfriend in question, is a mistake. It just gives shape to silly fears. Just give them a chance to move forward in a relationship with you. If they don't take it, then they don't.

Be a little patient, but don't change your attitude or interest level. Basically don't react, because there's nothing you can do but wait. She'll resolve this on her own, or she won't...and then she'll miss out --- especially if the sex was great :)
 Tony123123
Joined: 6/3/2007
Msg: 16
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Advice about girl in work....
Posted: 8/14/2008 4:14:41 PM
Open up to me more?? What did she open her legs???
 kevinro
Joined: 9/2/2006
Msg: 17
Advice about girl in work....
Posted: 8/14/2008 4:30:45 PM
You know I have been on this site for quite a while now and some things seem to confuse me. I just don't understand this dating game. She likes this type of guy so I act that way and vice versa. I say you be who you are. You let her be who she is. If things progress than you know you actually like each other for who you are. I know all of that is easier said then done, and I hope everything works out for you guys because it sounds like you are a little smitten by her, but you don't want her to be falling for someone that isn't really who you are. Just my two cents. Good Luck.
 Aurora772
Joined: 12/1/2007
Msg: 18
Advice about girl in work....
Posted: 8/14/2008 7:39:03 PM
Anyone who says, "I like my men/women such-and-such..." is playing games. If you are willing to play her game, then you become her toy. Prepare yourself for a long, exhausting, and eventually disappointing relationship, bro. If you stick around, she'll cheat on you. If you leave, she'll chase you until she can control you again. My advice is to completely forget about her and find someone else.

If you can't be yourself around the other person, it's just plain stupid. Rules are for the weak and the insecure.
 thatswhatshesaid
Joined: 12/28/2007
Msg: 19
Advice about girl in work....
Posted: 8/14/2008 7:50:03 PM
^^^^^^^^I agree. And the same goes for guys who say similar stuff. That's why it's best not to be reactionary, INCLUDING a very sudden loss of interest when two seconds prior, you were all about a person. If the other person lets go of all those defensive pre-conceptions, then great, if not, you gave it a chance, but pulling away suddenly is just as bad as trying to change to please someone.
 williamaus
Joined: 6/2/2008
Msg: 20
Advice about girl in work....
Posted: 8/14/2008 8:09:44 PM
You are in this category "we get on too well". and that scares some women. Because there is something not connected properly in their head.Next you will get "let's just be friends". You should be running for the hills, but you work with her.Wise man once say "don't screw the crew".It can get messy.
 BlackTips
Joined: 3/31/2008
Msg: 21
Advice about girl in work....
Posted: 8/14/2008 8:48:57 PM
dont shit where you sleep...never date anyone you work with! ever.
 VirgoGrl
Joined: 2/28/2008
Msg: 22
Advice about girl in work....
Posted: 8/14/2008 8:53:49 PM
Would you treat her the way she is treating you? Nope. Ditch her!
 shieldvulf
Joined: 10/30/2006
Msg: 23
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Advice about girl in work....
Posted: 8/14/2008 9:38:11 PM
OPie, you didn't understand me at all, I'm afraid. I didn't say or mean anything like "standoffish," whatever that is. You don't ignore or avoid her. By all means, be friendly, say hello, ask friendly, non-intrusive questions: "How's your cat?" "Did anyone fix the copier?" "Is my boss drunk?"

Just don't press her with personal questions. Don't moon about and pester her to move toward a relationship. People don't open up because you want them to. People open up because they want to. If you're all, 'how about THIS weekend?' and 'well, whyyyy NOT?' and, 'if you don't date me soon, I'll stop asking,' she doesn't have room to want your company. And she won't; she'll back off.

You have to learn this business by doing it, by making your own mistakes. Just please try to remember that the courting, especially before any relationship, when you have no idea what will happen, is an important part of it. That's how people who have not decided find their way to deciding. Force the issue and you will always lose.

I hope that's more useful.

Cheers!

Vulf
 icu2222
Joined: 8/1/2008
Msg: 24
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Advice about girl in work....
Posted: 8/15/2008 4:13:36 AM
I feel for you dude but I have to do the in-your-face Dr. Phil stuff first. Getting personal emails at work of a personal nature - especially relationship emails - is sexual harassment whether you like getting them or not. So be very careful! Next is never EVER date someone at work. That is your bread and butter. You don't want your job in jeopardy because of your personal life. What if she complains to the boss that you are bugging her or she is uncomfortable around you or whatever? You could lose your job as well as just your relationship.

Unfortunately, the horse is out of the gate so there is no going back, but...she may be thinking this exact same thing. What if she realizes that she likes you but it may be just a short term thing? How will she act around you at work? How can she go back to being normal with you around? Perhaps the honeymoon phase is past and reality has set in for her. At some point either her, you or both will have to answer the question - where is this relationship going? It is either going to marriage or break up. No two ways about it as those are ultimately the only 2 choices. Maybe she is unsure of where it is going and rather than confide in you she is trying to work it out for herself.

Give her the space she needs. Play it cool and don't push. She will appreciate you giving her space. You told her your intentions so don't appear needy and keep pressing her. I'll bet if you play it aloof, she will eventually tell you what is going on. However, be content knowing that you may never know what was causing her to act strangely because really it doesn't matter. The important thing is to know how you feel and that this is her drama not yours. Hopefully, she will come around and you guys will be in a happy relationship together. Stand firm and even aloof so that you don't get pulled into this drama or you will continually get pulled into every drama after this. Weather the storm and it will work out.

Good luck.
 Closing Shop
Joined: 7/24/2008
Msg: 25
Advice about girl in work....
Posted: 8/15/2008 4:52:53 AM

Next is never EVER date someone at work.


Given that the number one place for meeting a spouse is the workplace, that's not exactly great advice as a blanket statement. People just have to be smart before taking that path.
 superbadzzz
Joined: 8/16/2008
Msg: 28
Advice about girl in work....
Posted: 8/27/2008 5:10:32 AM
intimacy issues, it's like dating a yo-yo.
 jackster121
Joined: 9/2/2008
Msg: 31
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Advice about girl in work....
Posted: 9/24/2008 4:06:21 PM
I call this the dating equivalent to buyer's remorse. I had it happen to me,and I almost gave up, but I decided she was worth fighting for and we are having our third date this weekend. If she is worth it work through it.
 shieldvulf
Joined: 10/30/2006
Msg: 32
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Advice about girl in work....
Posted: 9/24/2008 4:29:23 PM
OPie, if you're so quick to pass judgment on someone you hardly know, then I'm more certain of your "issues" than hers. Basically, she put you off for a month and, when you persisted, she shut you down.

Before that, she was simply flirting, having fun, and you got yourself all smitten - with a stranger, don't forget. She was the self-sufficient one in the sketch, and you were the needy one, so needy that you even quibbled at the end about the sex you were never going to get.

Didn't I mention this to you before? The dance of courtship is restraint of desire. You want to be clearly interested, but you never want to appear more interested than the other person. If possible, always appear less interested. This stimulates the other person's desire and curiosity, because you are not a sure thing.

To this girl, you were a sure thing. She knew she could have called you any time, day or night, and asked you for most anything. And that is a wretched bore.

Think about reversing your positions. If some girl you thought was just OK was tremblingly interested in you and hovering "consistently" at every opportunity, would you be curious about her? Would you want her more? Most people cringe. Someone that needy isn't likely to have much to offer.

So, chill! Do the things you like to do, and stop pining for some girl to do them with. Those girls, the ones you want, are already out doing those very things.

Cheers!

Vulf
 nodorks
Joined: 7/6/2008
Msg: 33
Advice about girl in work....
Posted: 9/24/2008 7:34:52 PM
I'm wondering what the office policies are there, regarding email and dating coworkers.
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