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Show ALL Forums  > Ask A Guy  > I screwed up. Bad. Help!      Home login  
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 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 2
I screwed up. Bad. Help!Page 1 of 2    (1, 2)
Wow. You have some real issues. Try salvaging your relationship and stop letting people who walk all over you, get you in a snit.
 Stray__Cat
Joined: 7/12/2006
Msg: 4
I screwed up. Bad. Help!
Posted: 8/14/2008 7:20:37 PM
OK....
take a deep breath.
There, feel better?

Cus it may be over.
I'm not saying it is.
I just can't tell.
Only he can.

But accept that it "might" be.
And talk to him.

Don't worry about having a reason.
But you can bring up the shirt if you need a cover for your pride.(women are weird that way).

OK, as a guy we expect women we see to have issues.
With your mom, your kids(if any), your job, life, you name it.
But you can't expect us to always have the patience of Job.
We may pull that off a few times.
But if it is a constant requirement...
we bail.

I think if you've gained insight into your pattern of self sabatoge and can change it,
then you should tell him that pretty much just like you wrote it out.
He probably already knew all that.
But was wondering if you'd ever figure it out.
And with headstrong girls we guys really can't tell yall shit.
LOL

So maybe there is a chance.
Best to say it over the phone or in person than write it out in email.
Even if it's leaving a message in voicemail.
And do say you're sorry.
Cus it's nice to hear when we're pissed and smooths over alot.

And if you can't get back with him...
Knowing what you do now will certainly help with the next guy.

Good luck.
 CMonster
Joined: 12/4/2004
Msg: 5
I screwed up. Bad. Help!
Posted: 8/14/2008 7:23:51 PM
Boy, women normally talk about needing romance but when a perfect chance to be romantic with their guy comes up they don't take advantage of it. You need to do for you guy what you'd expect him to do for you if the situation was reversed.

Send him a text saying something like "I'm sorry, I was awful. I'm going to make it up to you. Pick you up at 7:00 tonight"

Pick him up, apologize, explain your story to him in 15 seconds or less (this is very important, take more time and it will sound like an excuse), apologize again and promise to try your best not to let it happen again and then give him a gift, take him to dinner or do something equally as special that HE would like. Then apologize again.

The shoe is on the other for but the game remains the same.
 singledadofmyangel
Joined: 3/1/2008
Msg: 7
I screwed up. Bad. Help!
Posted: 8/14/2008 7:28:37 PM
I'd say just send him an email and just say something to the effect of 'sorry about the other day, I was having a bad day, caught me at a bad moment', something to that effect. Most of us guys know and understand that women can get a bit over-emotional at times and don't take it personally. Sounds like that's what he meant by 'you're upset, I'll talk to you later'.

I wouldn't make a big deal out of it, I certainly wouldn't go into a depth about how you had a big life altering epiphany. It's good that you had that insight, but just keep that info to yourself and use it to improve your social interactions.

It's amazing just how far women can get with the "hey sorry about x,y,or z. How about I make you dinner/buy you dinner, and move past it. If he's worth the effort, he won't hold a grudge about something that he really wasn't a part of in the first place.
 jd28spot
Joined: 6/22/2006
Msg: 10
I screwed up. Bad. Help!
Posted: 8/14/2008 7:41:20 PM
IMO......you're actions are those of a "brat". Someone needs to take you over his knee and spank your arse.....God knows you really deserve it!
 singledadofmyangel
Joined: 3/1/2008
Msg: 11
I screwed up. Bad. Help!
Posted: 8/14/2008 7:59:25 PM
Let us know how things turn out and remember, keep it simple and to the point. I screwed up, I'm sorry, let me make it up to you. (how's that for 15 seconds or less) don't make it a bigger deal than it has to be.
 CMonster
Joined: 12/4/2004
Msg: 12
I screwed up. Bad. Help!
Posted: 8/14/2008 8:07:58 PM
(Although 15 seconds....if there's a woman out there who can sum up something like this in 15 seconds...hell, I'd date her!) So, maybe under a minute.


"I'm sorry for acting like a brat the other day. I realized how bad it was when I remembered that I was acting exactly like my mother. I'm not going to be my mother. I'm really sorry."

There you go, the entire story in under 15 seconds plus at least 5 seconds for a prelude to show just how really sorry she is. Talk about getting a guy's attention as to someone he'd consider committing to.

A minute is a really long time, long enough to blather on with excuses. Guys will tune out and worry about just how much unresolved issues she's lugging around in that set of Samsonite luggage.

Oh yeah OP, no more talk about "the issues" with your guy. It's not attractive. We already know that you guys have issues and most of us are willing to overlook them if we aren't constantly reminded that they're still there.

Oh one other about calling which posters have failed to realize; people answer phonecalls from people the readily want to talk to (especially if they expect the conversation to be full of excuses). If your guy readily wanted to talk to you he would have called by now. However, people tend to read their text messages out of habit. Consider texting him, it's another way to assure that you won't go on a diatribe of excuses.
 pugslave
Joined: 6/4/2008
Msg: 14
I screwed up. Bad. Help!
Posted: 8/14/2008 8:19:13 PM
You need to call him if you haven't already. See how he responds from there. No matter what his reaction is, you need to work through whatever is eating at you. You've probably been told about a number of books, but one I suggest is "Codependent No More", by Melody Beattie. Even if you are not codependent, it may help.
 Seavoyage
Joined: 1/18/2007
Msg: 17
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History
I screwed up. Bad. Help!
Posted: 8/15/2008 8:31:58 AM
Well, we all have issues. However, when a woman takes thing on a man in a bad way it will scare the man away. The majority of people have dysfunctional families. There is no rocket science to that statement, and we shouldn't use that to sabotage ourselves. You should have a positive attitude with a person of the opposite sex and think of what you can give him and what he can give you not about how he can rescue from your issues or vice versa, because both people have needs. I think an interesting book is called "How to get the love you want" by Harville Hendrix. An older female friend recommended, and I like the ideas the expert has in the book.
 2Shadows
Joined: 6/11/2008
Msg: 18
I screwed up. Bad. Help!
Posted: 8/15/2008 9:09:30 AM
Give him a call. don't send an e-mail or mesage him,but make it a personal phone call. It isn't like you blew up at him and told him where to go,so things are still salvageable. But you should be the one to make the the call,so don't wait for him.
 Urbanessa
Joined: 8/15/2007
Msg: 19
I screwed up. Bad. Help!
Posted: 8/15/2008 9:55:12 AM
Windchick, can't you just call him and tell him you're deeply sorry? Or maybe send him a letter stating so?

I believe that in situations like these honesty and humbleness are the best policy. Yes, you've screwed up. Admit that to him and tell him you're sorry. And see what happens. Guesswork is not going to give you an answer.
 Happily Ever...maybe
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 21
view profile
History
I screwed up. Bad. Help!
Posted: 8/15/2008 10:36:34 AM
Its very possible that you are again over thinking this, since its only been a few days since you've heard from him. He may just be busy. Since I'm not an argumentative type either, in his shoes I would have said I'll talk to you later, just like he did, and then waited to hear from you when you had calmed down. That would be my reaction, although if it started to become a regular pattern it would raise some doubts as to whether or not the woman was worth all the aggravation.

If he is upset about your behavior and is considering ending the relationship, that's way too heavy of a subject for you to cover in an email, not to mention it eliminates much of a personal touch. And forget the shirt, thats just a transparent excuse. You should call him and ask him to sit down and speak with you, or at least be willing to listen to what you have to say. Apologize like has been mentioned, admit that you realize you have some anger management and commitment phobia issues, and then make sure you start acting in a manner befitting your new self-awareness. You know you have some problems, but all the words in the world won't convince him you can change, only by your actions can he know if you are worth sticking around for; I'm betting that if you try real hard, the answer to that question will be yes. Good luck!
 7733
Joined: 8/7/2008
Msg: 22
I screwed up. Bad. Help!
Posted: 8/15/2008 11:12:03 AM

You should have seen me 5 years ago. I was nuts. And married! Man, I was dangerous.

I just thought of something that I had used a while ago, and I forgot. "The only way through fear is through it."


I haven't read the whole opening post of OP since it's too long, but this one above came to my attention.

For a man to look at your photo, it shows expression of eyes which are too focused, tensed and stressed. Men in general first of all see women to enjoy their company. The way you seems to be pushing things can scare many. Yes, some decent guys may have respect towards to you as opposed to shollow chicks, but that respect can be only towards to a perrson.

So, you get your short skirt, go to a bar when chicks over 35-40 hang out, catch up a dude, you know hairy etc,

relax,

start enjoying life

don't have overly high expectations at the beginning

remember lady the only time you can truly commit someone is not even if you are married, but when you have kids

stop congesting people let them enjoy their lives too

If you were here in Cali, I would offer you my exclusive services of relaxation even though am booked for two weeks in advance.

But, hey there should be lots of quality dudes back East, girls say guys back east are not cry-babies like most guys are here in West.

You do this sweethart, (I mean having fun with guys once and a while, doing casual dating sleeping with then, relaxaing etc, for a year or so) you gonna be fine. . . . . . ..
 7733
Joined: 8/7/2008
Msg: 23
I screwed up. Bad. Help!
Posted: 8/15/2008 11:17:10 AM
yes, I havent read most of the post, but what this lady seems to be saying is that the guy she is into

or most likely she pushes her will so much into herself like she is doing some project and can't fail doesn't seem to want to be with her.

Ok lady, if you are not clear - call, leave a message or send an email and ask him if he wants or not.

If he says yes, then ask him to stop the BS or get the hell out.

If he says no, then tell him to to hell, there are lots of other men out there. If he doesnt treat you nice, then spend your time to others.

And don't forget to have LOTS OF FUN.

i mean even though you are faaaar away from being my type, I like relaxed faminine chicks who like to go into their knees, but like I said, it's not the end of the world babe /////////////////////////
 thatswhatshesaid
Joined: 12/28/2007
Msg: 24
I screwed up. Bad. Help!
Posted: 8/15/2008 11:20:20 AM
I'd say work out whatever "realizations" you're having about your relationship with your mom first, process it, THEN call and apologize, take him out, etc.

It's not really an appology to HIM if, right after you make it, you launch into all the minutia of YOUR psyche, the history of YOUR childhood, even the things YOU do wrong and YOU want to do better. That's still about you. It's great to communicate, but oversharing can be a real problem.

The apology should really be about appreciating HIM and making amends.

Also, going away from you for a few days and letting you calm down is the correct reaction.
 c_deacon
Joined: 3/13/2005
Msg: 25
view profile
History
I screwed up. Bad. Help!
Posted: 8/15/2008 11:37:35 AM
By what you just told us, I can see that you're your mother's daughter.......

I would suggest an email to this man you so care about, explaining all, how you messed up, and that you are doing something about it, and would like another chance.

Call up counseling services and enroll yourself into both individual sessions and group sessions, and start working on healing yourself to be healthy, happy, and whole.

No one can truly care for another, if they can not care for themselves, and you need to be able to offer what you seek, and that can only happen from some serious work and personal help for you.

In that email, I would give this man some time and space to think things through, and to allow you some time to really show him that you mean what you say, by getting the help you need.

If you would not even date yourself, how can you possibly expect another to date you and survive??????

Just my opinion........
 7733
Joined: 8/7/2008
Msg: 26
I screwed up. Bad. Help!
Posted: 8/15/2008 11:48:49 AM

No, not "deeply in love" with him; it's too soon,


You can't decide when is the time, time is comparative it's how we perceive. Some poeple may fall in love right away some develop feelings over time. But if you are deciding when you will fall in love you are cofusing yourself, it's like when you want to compose something or write something start using too much logic, it confuses people, that's why many prominent artists are mentally ill, or blind etc.

For a woman to act like that, it's turn off.

by the way what issues with your mother has to do with him?


I want to apologize. I want to ask for another chance. I want to tell him what I've figured out,


complete nonsense, putting yourself even in more dependent position so that he will start gaining some more "points" again.


"You're upset. I'll just talk to you later."

And I haven't heard from him since.


it means that he lied. didn't he? as a man he didn't keep his word, right? he didn't tell you when (in a day or two or in a week) will call right?
So, hon as I said above, he doesn't want to communicate, then you stop communicating too.

If he communicates in the future, tell him how come he told you that will call but didn't.

THEN MAKE HIM APOLOGIZE ok? Stop the bitsching like most women do.

And you will be fine if you go to the bar with the hot skirt etc , the junky assssholes like that dude you are talking who shake their assess with chicks to imporess like that, are perfect target to get manipulated themselves.

Then when and if he will want or consider to come back, you keep you leach on this creep the same way, but now you have to turn the tables around by at the same time being ready to lose him forever.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 32
I screwed up. Bad. Help!
Posted: 8/15/2008 10:24:12 PM

I want to apologize. I want to ask for another chance. I want to tell him what I've figured out, and let him know this is something I'm aware of and working on, and ask him to point out when I get too self-centered, so I can stop being that way.


Your issue of wanting to get him back, and scrambling around to do so, is the same reason you got yourself into this mess in the first place. Let that sink in. You need to understand that.

I would say don't go after him and to cut it loose. You need to have lost an opportunity. It's the only way to truly learn beyond the temporary, and it's the way to also avoid looking like a lunatic that you point out you can be. Seriously.

You don't have a quirk. You do have a serious problem. Since you're capable of holding a job, and be functional in society, the general public isn't going to try and be hasty and call it a serious problem you have, because it really won't affect them. But it is there in you and the folks you develop relationships with.

I think once you realize it's SERIOUS and life damaging, then you'll turn your behavior around. If you take it as sure-serious-but-shouldn't-be-THAT-serious, then it'll continue and you'll only have temporary fixes until you get used to being yourself, even in the poorer ways.
 m409998m1
Joined: 2/18/2007
Msg: 33
I screwed up. Bad. Help!
Posted: 8/16/2008 6:39:22 AM
Mommy Dearest

Who cares what you mom does or says? Sounds to me like you still have a 30-mile umbilical cord problem. You exude a low self-esteem that comes from a controlling mother. Why does she matter, and why does her anything affect you?

It’s time to put some serious time and space between you and your mother. Cut the cord and live your own life.
 Vancer
Joined: 10/29/2006
Msg: 35
I screwed up. Bad. Help!
Posted: 8/16/2008 10:14:15 AM
Glad everything went okay Wind.

Also, whenyer_strange's advice is very good.
Next time your feelings get very intense, just take the time and ask yourself if your behaviour is truly making things better or worse, or if it's just something that is trying to justify your feelings.

Our feelings are meant to be very strong motivators, but they simply approximate what direction we should aim our behaviour. The more intense we make it, the greater 'off' our direction could be from what is actually appropriate.

It's like putting on a subtlety slanted green in golf.
Okay that was lame.
 potbelliedman
Joined: 8/7/2008
Msg: 36
I screwed up. Bad. Help!
Posted: 8/16/2008 10:24:05 AM
I would call or text him RIGHT NOW if you really care about what you have, and say "I'm ready to get talked to now."
That shows him you are cool and collected, want to hear what he has to say, and are looking for an avenue to approach mending things.

Good luck.

Ken
 CRAZY 4 DOGS
Joined: 9/12/2006
Msg: 37
I screwed up. Bad. Help!
Posted: 8/17/2008 11:15:41 AM
It's a good start that you have realized what you're doing wrong.

IMO u need to ask if you could talk to him with no expectations. Tell him he deserves a explanation and an apology! I wouldn't use The shirt as an excuse, just bring it with you.

It really depends on how long you've been dating. If it's still really new I would say it's probably done. If you have dated a few times and have some good times shared then maybe there's a chance.

Also IMO, I think a better plan would be to have a talk with your mom also. I don't think distancing yourself from her would make things any better. Tell her what you wrote...the whole story. Maybe if you can start to work on the problems with your mom it will help both of you with all of your relationships. Even though your mom is hurting you, IMO, this is the relationship you should be worrying about the most.

I hope it all works out for ya!
 7733
Joined: 8/7/2008
Msg: 38
I screwed up. Bad. Help!
Posted: 8/18/2008 8:44:33 AM

7733, there are so many reactions I have when I read your posts, I just don't know where to begin!


it may be discussed in person too, if he messes up again, you send me an email, then you get a link of airplane round ticked NY - San Diego (you just click the orbitz link) , and after that when an "escape strategy" and/or "verifying feelings while at the same time having opportunity to meet new people" exists, the table may be turned around instead of "even if he will leave me etc etc etc , he is still the best " most likely you haven't seen real bests to compare /////////////////////////////////////////////////

disclaimer - boobies that have been overly responsive towards to gravitation and other parts of women body which experianced and couldnt resist the gravitation force too much may guarantee a return air ticked back to NY after having a cup of coffee in Coronado Starbuck.

I am not kidding, I am serious, this type of a thing with another lady happned from NY, believe it or not, now she is back to her husbend and that creep knows if he starts mistreating her again, he will be going back to his restroom for over the weekend and experiance unhealthy comparasion and picking on afterwards //////////////////////////

pps consider this as in investment of time instead of going and blocking my profile right away ............................. the offer is an open one with no time restrictions , but make sure that you qualify not to waste my time by reading carefully the disclaimer



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