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Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > Wondering Why People "box" themselves in with Specifics      Home login  
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 rossal
Joined: 12/5/2005
Msg: 1
Wondering Why People "box" themselves in with Specifics Page 1 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
In reading people's "blurbs"---I am quite often amazed at how negative they are.....all the "must not's"---it is like they close themselves off to so many possibilities.

I wonder if those people are even aware of how negative they sound.......and self-limiting......I can see a few "must-nots"---but some people have such a long list, my eyes blur half way down!


Thoughts.....Remarks.......?

Rossal
 ABitMuch
Joined: 7/14/2008
Msg: 2
Wondering Why People box themselves in with Specifics
Posted: 8/15/2008 5:37:00 AM
I think they are trying to save time and weed out what they don't want right off of the bat. Sometimes it comes across as hostile.
 ~Sunrise_Walker~
Joined: 4/14/2008
Msg: 3
Wondering Why People box themselves in with Specifics
Posted: 8/15/2008 5:55:25 AM
I don't have a lot of must nots, but the ones I do have are things that are important to me. Must not be a smoker. Must not be married. Must live in or near my area. Must be reasonably fit.. I don't know if I have all of that in my profile or not, but eventually, I do judge and choose on those and other factors.

Why leave it open for people to respond who you know you won't be attracted to? I think it's only fair to name your "must nots", unless you don't have any. And I think everyone has some!
 DoUCanoe
Joined: 7/28/2007
Msg: 4
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Wondering Why People box themselves in with Specifics
Posted: 8/15/2008 6:08:53 AM
I have viewed many profiles with "lists" of requirements but alas I failed to meet their standards and those that I did failed to meet mine.

Lucky for me I found one that didn't have a "list" and we have gotten along quite well.
 Daria1956
Joined: 3/7/2008
Msg: 5
Wondering Why People box themselves in with Specifics
Posted: 8/15/2008 6:13:03 AM
yes....the mail settings of the majority of women are astonishing....I sometimes wonder, who anyone could get through, without giving up his own personality...
 Winter_Bouquet
Joined: 8/8/2008
Msg: 6
Wondering Why People box themselves in with Specifics
Posted: 8/15/2008 6:25:04 AM
Too many "musts"/"must nots" broadcast that "I am not ready to date, so I am weeding out all potential suitors."

Even if I passed all the criteria, I don't think I'd be interested in someone like that!
 Navigator6
Joined: 3/5/2008
Msg: 7
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Wondering Why People box themselves in with Specifics
Posted: 8/15/2008 6:42:18 AM

I wonder if those people are even aware of how negative they sound.......and self-limiting


They're either not aware, very picky, or truly are negative people. To me, too much negativity is a complete turn off. IMO, it's a window into their psyche and I'd rather see it in a profile & move on than invest a lot of time and discover it later. Although, it usually doesn't take too long for negativity to surface.
 rogerrabbitrr
Joined: 6/27/2008
Msg: 8
Wondering Why People box themselves in with Specifics
Posted: 8/15/2008 7:56:51 AM
I love the profiles that state NO:
Liars
Cheaters
Head games

Like those that lie, cheat and play head games are going to say to them selves OH!!!
I'm a lair & cheater I better not respond to that one.

They come across as negative, wounded & bitter and don't get an e-mail from me.
I'm looking for happy not piss & vinegar.
 *champrins*
Joined: 7/12/2008
Msg: 9
Wondering Why People box themselves in with Specifics
Posted: 8/15/2008 8:20:22 AM
I have some 'must nots'
And a couple of 'will be shot's

There are things that are ok in 'friends' because you dont have to live with your friends
You dont have to share your life/work/financial decisons with friends
Your friends dont influence your directions (ok not as much)

But with me and a partner, we are in the same boat with one oar each
I want to know we are both rowing in the same direction
Or it will go nowhere

At my age I know what I can live with and what really irks me over time

So why would I not be honest and say it now.....rather than when it comes to the brink of being over

I know me
I'm not perfect
But I'm getting a little set in my ways

I'd rather have someone who fits in with that so we have a good shot at making it work

And I dont have too much trouble 'finding someone' so I dont have to just grab at anything out there and try to 'make' it work? (been there done that...it didnt)

cheers (good thread)
 Paumanok
Joined: 6/15/2008
Msg: 10
Wondering Why People box themselves in with Specifics
Posted: 8/15/2008 8:30:43 AM
I had to invent some specific criteria for dating because it was brought to my attention that saying "anything that moves" was working against me. My first go was to add "and that doesn't always turn to the left, going in circles", but that didn't help. So I sat down and thought what I really did want and it came to me I wanted a woman who is an elegant combination of all the ways my imagination expresses yearning, so I tried to picture that, and for some reason she was averting her eyes or sneering at me just like real women tend to do. So at that point I retreated back to my original position but without any remnants of false hope. Now my specific requirements are for entertainment purposes only, kind of like an atheist dreaming of heaven.
 ~Sunrise_Walker~
Joined: 4/14/2008
Msg: 11
Wondering Why People box themselves in with Specifics
Posted: 8/15/2008 8:38:07 AM
I so agree with champrins. It's not like all of us are willing to settle for just anyone. And it's not like we are all having much trouble "finding someone". I think we have the right to call the shots, when it comes to what we like or don't like in a partner, or even just in who we choose to date. I don't see that as being negative.

Otherwise we would just accept anyone who is attracted to us or our profile. So then, how do you choose if you have no preferences? Why have someone take the trouble of responding to you, when you know there are things about them that would not be acceptable to you? Seems a little unfair to me not to state specifics. Saves time for you and those who respond to you.
 Last Chancee
Joined: 8/6/2008
Msg: 12
Wondering Why People box themselves in with Specifics
Posted: 8/15/2008 9:14:18 AM
we all have preferences whether we admit it or not ! and that's okay
i have found that the older/wiser i get my list of criteria has gotten much shorter but more speific
- the better i know myself, the better i am able to pin point what works with me and what doesn't. And that's a good thing - it saves time and heart ache!!

but i do agree that negetive profiles are a real turn off and pretty pointless - the ones that state no players, no drama, no mind games, no crazy women, etc, etc... like anyone is going to admit to any of those!!! that would be crazy!!!!
 Celticmist
Joined: 2/1/2005
Msg: 13
Wondering Why People box themselves in with Specifics
Posted: 8/15/2008 9:18:07 AM
Oh I don't know folks, I think it all depends on how you say what you want ...

don't say - I don't want anyone who is always negative

do say - looking for a positive and happy personality

don't say - no boozers nor smokers need apply

do say - Looking for a person who believes in healthy, addiction-free living

It's not so much what you say, as it is , how you say it
 jvlmm
Joined: 6/18/2008
Msg: 14
Wondering Why People box themselves in with Specifics
Posted: 8/15/2008 9:20:18 AM
I never thought about the list of criteria as "negative" but maybe I need to rethink. I thought it would cut down on unwanted emails and having to say "Oh no, I'm allergic to cigarette smoke", etc. At the age of 52, I was under the notion that I didn't want to "settle" but someone just recently pointed out that the guy of my dreams may get passed up because of one small "issue". Obviously, this is going to require some thought.
 Sapphireeyes
Joined: 1/13/2008
Msg: 15
Wondering Why People box themselves in with Specifics
Posted: 8/15/2008 9:22:50 AM
I like the right man in my box...so I try not to box myself in :P
 c_deacon
Joined: 3/13/2005
Msg: 16
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Wondering Why People box themselves in with Specifics
Posted: 8/15/2008 10:22:23 AM
Sap......You just listed a significant specific with your last statement, even though quite funny.....

OT........Many times when individuals stare at the computer and try to put concepts together, they do not think it through as if they were reading it and not knowing the person. Assumptions as made because you know yourself, but do not really explain that to someone that does not know you.

If more would do their profiles in a format that would be similar to a resume for a job, they might not be listing so many restrictions, and negative items, because it has just the opposite affect on those that read it.

The point is to get in the door, have a chance to meet and discuss, and maybe get the job, not to be weeded out because your resume was so negative or restrictive.

Just my opinion......
 parrothead 13
Joined: 10/21/2007
Msg: 17
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Wondering Why People box themselves in with Specifics
Posted: 8/15/2008 1:43:46 PM
Great minds think alike and so do ours. A long list of must nots is a turn off to me as well. however i also tend to think most of the folks with the long list of must nots have some issues with pain from the past they have not yet quite gotten over. i cant really prove it by research but my guess is thats one factor in the long lists of must nots. for what its worth i wont even read a profile with a long list of must nots
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 18
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Wondering Why People box themselves in with Specifics
Posted: 8/15/2008 2:25:31 PM
It is a wise person who knows themselves well enough to know what they want. People should listen more, instead of feeling they are entitled to be with who ever they please. Not interested means not interested. Nothing personal, just people personal preferences.
 ~Sunrise_Walker~
Joined: 4/14/2008
Msg: 19
Wondering Why People box themselves in with Specifics
Posted: 8/15/2008 3:28:34 PM
How could "must not be married", "must not be a smoker", "must be reasonably fit" have anything to do with past issues from a past relationship? I just know what I like. Nothing negative about it. I grant you that some of the "must not's" make no sense to me, but I'm sure they do to the person who has them.
 SueCat51
Joined: 8/11/2007
Msg: 20
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Wondering Why People box themselves in with Specifics
Posted: 8/15/2008 3:35:23 PM
The longer the laundry list, the narrow your pool of eligibles will be. In one week, I received emails from 3 separated fellas; and 4 fellas with kids under the age of 18. All I could do is roll my eyes. Finally, I put on my profile that "we probably wouldn't get along if you're separated or if you have kids under the age of 18". For me, those (besides liars, cheats, & thieves) are deal breakers.
 Sapphireeyes
Joined: 1/13/2008
Msg: 21
Wondering Why People box themselves in with Specifics
Posted: 8/15/2008 10:07:32 PM
I understand a preference, what I dont understand is a limitation. IE Suecat, if the most wonderful man in the world was separated and his son was 17 1/2, and he isnt going back with with his wife but you just excluded him and he might be the one man who would met all the other preferences you have. The divorce will happen and the child will grow up over 18. The only limitation I have is about smoking and that is cause I am a cancer survivor, I never smoked but both the ex's did.

I guess what I am saying is we all limit based on negatives to us...exclude someone..which should be opposite we should be looking for what is right with someone ..why we would like them.
 Its Better Together
Joined: 7/27/2008
Msg: 22
Wondering Why People box themselves in with Specifics
Posted: 8/16/2008 12:03:16 AM
Perhaps I should change my profile to read:
MUST NOT bother to contact me unless you are PERFECT
 SassySoutherner
Joined: 6/21/2008
Msg: 23
Wondering Why People box themselves in with Specifics
Posted: 8/16/2008 4:27:56 AM
We're 50/50 on this one.

"At my age I know what I can live with and what really irks me over time"

. . . . and I've lived with a few gems. What seems rather wonderful in the first few weeks/months when "good behaviour" is at a premium - more often goes downhill when we start getting too "comfortable" too quickly and suddenly you're thinking "what the ?". I don't wish to waste anyone's time - and I have a loooooong list of must not haves. The standard non-smoker , not married etc etc plus a few more to add to the list.

Hopefully we live and learn and it's a continual process. I lead a full life at the moment and having said that, there is still room for someone just a little bit special. I would rather have no-0ne special in my life than have to put up with those "specifics" so that I can say I have "someone " .

My apologies to all the good men who are also smokers, drinkers, drug users, gamblers, womanisers and any other Specific you care to box in there, who take offense to or hopefully takes a hint from my extended list of must not have's . I've been there and done that and I know from experience that for me personally, we are not meant to be.
 weezygirl
Joined: 11/15/2007
Msg: 24
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Wondering Why People box themselves in with Specifics
Posted: 8/16/2008 5:22:00 AM
i think it's great to have a head's up on all of it...makes it easier to weed out the ones you aren't interested in.you have to admit at least their being honest...too many on here have profiles filled with fallicies and facades.so i don't mind seeing that on anyone's profile.they know what they want and go after that..i guess it's kinda like shopping for furniture..you pick and choose, colour, size, fabric etc...lol
 GreenEyesBlondeHair
Joined: 11/5/2007
Msg: 25
Wondering Why People box themselves in with Specifics
Posted: 8/16/2008 6:18:35 AM
I think they do it, cuz they really don't want a relationship...when a person is truly ready, they take each person they meet on a per case basis. The filters we place are walls to keep us from getting close to a person...

When we meet & fall in love w/ our soulmate, we are often suprised at who they are & how it happened
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