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 Socratic Method
Joined: 7/15/2008
Msg: 8
too poor to date?Page 1 of 2    (1, 2)
Trust me; I've been there. However, you're dealing with the wrong sort. You should find a gal or three who like their ale at home and know how to cook. When I divorced, I had my son. I did, however, find gals in the same boat and we included our children in our social gatherings.

You also need to get it through your head that the rules have changed. People with kids are typically not looking to replace a partner, but substitute the absence with social interaction that satisfies both their need for companionship and responsibility as a parent.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 10
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too poor to date?
Posted: 8/19/2008 9:14:58 AM
Well, according to your profile you only have the youngest child on the weekends and the older one lives on their own. If you have no money for extras like entertaining a lady friend or even doing something nice for yourself or your kids you might consider a part time job. Even 5 hours a week would allow you a little extra pocket money. Most women do not expect a man to wine and dine her every time but being able to pay for a movie or go to dinner on occasion is very nice. In the beginning it is important to go out and have fun even if you go dutch.
 wanderbaby
Joined: 9/4/2006
Msg: 14
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too poor to date?
Posted: 8/19/2008 6:12:58 PM
I smell a user, she just used you so she can get some free drinks. I wouldn't say because you dont' have much to spare for extras, it doesnt' mean you can do other things, as others have suggested. It's the company that matters, and if the person you see keeps asking you for material things, then you know where it's going. By you allowing yourself to be used is a kick in the butt to why you need to be more assertive. No one should be treated this way.
 Liveitwell77
Joined: 7/12/2008
Msg: 16
too poor to date?
Posted: 8/19/2008 6:46:58 PM
In a world full of people in the 'rat race'... rest assured there are women who are looking for love, not stuff. Keep your chin up!
 classyladychgo
Joined: 5/18/2008
Msg: 17
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too poor to date?
Posted: 8/20/2008 7:16:41 AM
The "goal" of dating is to look for a relationship that works for both of you. (whatever your personal definition of relationship may be) A true partnership of two people who appreciate one another. A true "partnership" by definition means that BOTH parties hold up their end of that relationship and that both contribute to it on a regular basis. That said, both need to start thinking "plural" right from day one.
I know more then a few relationships where the woman of the house in the largest earner and the man of the house works part time or full time but does most of the "holding down of the fort" and it works for them. This is a "modern" world we live in and some people are more or less able to adjust to it. Just take your time to find your "match" in life.
For those who are more "matched" to your wallet then they are to you my suggestion is to run! Fast and hard.
Now what can you do for a low cost but meaningful date??
Wow would I be impressed if a guy cooked me dinner and HE did the work of cooking, serving and cleaning up! (PS any guy like that please apply here!)
While walking in a forest preserve or along a road a bunch of hand picked by you wild flowers is so much more meaningful then those crazy dyed manufactured flowers arrangements or flower bunches you get at a store. Think of the extra effort he made in picking the flowers he thought you would like best out of what God planted. He had to walk all over to find just the right flowers. What means more to you ladies? (PS this guy should also apply here)
I do still have two children out of my three that live here full time. Wow that guy who would plan a day out in the park / forest preserve/ nature trails with a game of find the stuff on the list for the kids to play that gave US time to talk and walk in peace. Bonus points if he enjoys doing such things! (Please apply here)
A day at the beach costs whatever it cost to park the car for the day but might be more fun in everyone took the train into Chicago and walked or took a bus to the beach. More of an "adventure" that way. Ever try a scavenger hunt for fun or romantic things?
Plan a date where she will find a clue and has to follow those clues to find you and there you are with a bunch of your hand picked wild flowers and a blanket on the ground and lunch / dinner all waiting for her! (apply here)
Dating doesn't cost cash it costs time and heart. Those that are trying to date your wallet are not worth your time. You cannot "compete" with material desires and there is no reason you should have to.
Kathy
 skiboy
Joined: 7/26/2003
Msg: 23
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too poor to date?
Posted: 8/20/2008 2:10:02 PM
OP,

This woman who told you she really likes you...tell her to go out with the guys who take her out for drinks and meals if she's too cheap or incapable of paying her own way and that treatment is so important to her. Either she's dropping the hint that she's incapable of paying her own way, or she has self-esteem issues and by telling you how much other guys like her and buy her stuff she feels better about herself. Either way, I'd be rid of her.

My own policy is I pay for the first date no matter what, drinks, meals, tickets, whatever. From that point forward, whoever invites, pays. Eventually you reach a point where you are each paying your own way, if not, get out. The "he who invites, pays" method is a great way to figure out why they are there and their financial situation too.

If you constantly whine about it, or worry about or avoid situations where the issue comes up, then no, no one will want to date you. Financial security is a huge deal for most women. Just being able to pay for yourself is usually enough for most normal women.

That being said, dating is expensive. If you are with someone who's affection needs to be bought it is even more expensive. I definitely feel your pain. I'm a single dad, of only one child though, and I have to pick and choose what I can afford to do.

You ARE getting some good advice though from the others on here. Be creative. The best dates I've ever had were not a product of spending a pile of money. They were a product of two people getting together who were very compatible. I've had discussions about my financial situation with a few people I dated after a few weeks, and my points of view are generally well-received. I'm not so much under a financial cloud any more, but just the same my willingness to spend irresponsibly on dates has not increased. And I think women respect that. I've actually stopped seeing one or two people because I knew they were habitually spending money, on me, on family, on friends, that they didn't have. Who in their right mind would want to sign up for that?

Bottom line, if you often find yourself around women who can't appreciate your situation, find yourself around different women. Your family and mortgage should be more important than dating. Tough choices are called tough choices not because they're easy.
 davidsauvignon
Joined: 2/6/2008
Msg: 24
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too poor to date?
Posted: 8/20/2008 2:12:30 PM
^^^ "The LAST thing I want is to get involved with a guy who has zero motivation to anythng with his life and use what my hard work has brough my family to continue it"


Just as there are women who struggle every day to make it, so are there men. In many situations, "motivation" has zero to do with it. Job loss, divorce, alimony, child support, hurricanes, tornados, floods, whatever....just as you don't want to labeled a gold digger because you expect him to help 'pay' for things you wish to do, don't label everyone who is down on their luck as lazy. There are gold diggers out there just as there are lazy people....not 100% in either case.




~ds~
 TodaysCatch
Joined: 4/12/2008
Msg: 25
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too poor to date?
Posted: 8/20/2008 2:18:06 PM

The "goal" of dating is to look for a relationship that works for both of you. (whatever your personal definition of relationship may be) A true partnership of two people who appreciate one another. A true "partnership" by definition means that BOTH parties hold up their end of that relationship and that both contribute to it on a regular basis. That said, both need to start thinking "plural" right from day one.


Where ARE these women? Are you for real? I would have been married in my twenties had I met partner types like you.

I live in a major metropolitan area that happens to have plenty of attractive women, and I know no other existence other than having to have money to date them. It's been drilled into my head since I started dating: money=women, period. I can count on one hand the times women I've dated here during the last three decades(!) have ever offered to pay their way for meals, travel, entertainment, lodgings, transportation or what have you. It's just the way they are here. You could look like a movie star (like all the waiter/aspiring actor-types at the expensive restaurants my dates choose), but if you have no money, no woman wants anything to do with you.

It would seem that things would be a bit more favorable for your situation where you live. If not, move to where the women in this thread are - most of them seem enlightened.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 28
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too poor to date?
Posted: 8/20/2008 3:25:12 PM
Actually I know 2 men that are stay at home Dads. The wife works and the relationship works. No ego issues and everyone is happy doing what they do best.
But I would have to wonder OP, what kind of women are you dating? Any normal single Mom can certainly appreciate someone being broke. Dinners at home and DVD's are great once you get to know one another, but at first most women want to date in public.
Look for:
Sight seeing tours of the area-cheap and good exercise
Concerts or Shakespeare in the Park-ladies love that. All you need is a blanket and some wine.
Museums-usually inexpensive and very relaxing
Bars with a happy hour buffet-1-2 drinks and all you can eat!
Read your local tourist offices brochures and scour the local paper for fairs, farmers markets and free entertainment
 Pilkington
Joined: 12/28/2007
Msg: 30
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too poor to date?
Posted: 8/21/2008 2:46:31 PM
I make it clearI am skint and do things with people that cost nothing.....a day out walking along a river is more memorable than a night out getting the drinks in......I know what I prefer....
...soul-whisperer Msg.6.


Your profile says you are independant; your profession, mother and part time
Open University student.

Your profile also says, whoever you are looking for must be working.
I know mothers who work, and i know OU students that work.

You seem to be saying that money is not important, you can have a good date without it. It's so unimportant that you, yourself do not have a paid job.
But then go on to say, you will only date someone who is earning.
 Searching4muse
Joined: 8/16/2007
Msg: 35
too poor to date?
Posted: 8/31/2008 10:18:20 PM

If you don't focus on dating so much right now and focus on being the best dad in the world, chances are that you'll meet someone who's impressed with what a great dad you are, and your bank account will not even be an issue.



I agree wholeheartedly, I think that things tend to happen when you least expect it. Being a single mom and dealing with financial issues, I find it hard to meet someone that is understand of financial (not to mention time) issues.

Either way, I wish you much luck!
 SweetnessInFlorida
Joined: 6/26/2008
Msg: 38
too poor to date?
Posted: 9/12/2008 1:02:13 PM
I am going along with the crowd that does not DO getting to know you dates in someones home, public place only. Thats just safety, period. No that doesnt mean im using you for a free martini or dinner, i can very well afford my own martini and dinner, thank you.
Once settled into a relationship, or regularly dating, sure we can do the DVD and didnner at home, i do in fact love that stuff, but i also would like to be able to go out at times, i am willing to make the effort to arange a sitter so that i can have my weekly night out, make the effort to be able to do something with the women you want to date.
ANY date can be wonderful in the right company, its not how much you spend, but rather that you made the effort, i remember my most romantic date, grabbing some breakfast from McDonalds and eating it on the beach, i swoon every time i think about it.
 mw88
Joined: 6/10/2007
Msg: 40
too poor to date?
Posted: 11/24/2008 11:11:37 PM
sweetie, if they cant like you for you then yYOU need to get the hell out of there, set your own set o rules, and there is nothing wrong with staying at home and watching a movie, and that doesnt cost anything at all! and its also a comfortable thing/setting to get to know someone more.
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