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Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > Commitment phobic or lifestye choice?      Home login  
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 RoughAsGuts
Joined: 7/27/2008
Msg: 1
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Commitment phobic or lifestye choice?Page 1 of 2    (1, 2)
Ok so Im 32 now and for the life of me havent felt the sting of my age yet. I feel young as ever I enjoy running my own businesses and have many wonderful friendships with women, and sometimes I date and sometimes I dont, but its not a must on any given day.

However there wasnt anything the matter with my carefree lifestyle until I hit my 30s. Although my male friends are totally cool with being single childless at 32, it seems that suddenly some of my women friends are not, even strangers ponder if Im another commitment phobic guy. It really irks me because I have a very fulfilling life with my siblings and parents whom I see from time to time. I have terrific friends who are always up for anything and dont begrudge me at all. I thought living in the 21st century would open up peoples minds abit more especially when meeting new friends. But nonetheless there are alot out there that like to label and call a long term single guy a commitmentphobe.

Is it such a wild notion to people that men can be 30 something and happily single? I only ask this because the contrary is always what womens guesswork concludes. That its not about running away from commitment insofar as embracing independence with both hands and making the best of ones life? The only reason other peoples perceptions bother me of late is that in the past few months I have noticed an increase in those probing questions from women I would otherwise never get, the sly remarks about "but your not getting any younger dont you want to settle down?" Its quite presumptuous I think, and nobodies business but my own. Of course in light of that situation I always chuckle and let those passing comments slide, besides people will always probe and make small talk I guess.

I have always been embracing of other peoples lifestyles, in my travels I meet so many kinds of people, and learnt that trying to fit into one role or lifestyle is like trying to be an actor and starring in the same movie over and over again. People will always want to spread their wings and experience the bounty that this world has to offer. Of course I dont look down on people who have chosen a simpler more monotonous life. But whenever I get a woman asking me why I havent settled down, or if I fear commitment, it just gets unnerving after awhile. That the consensus is always the same with them presuming a "fear" lol. I never even thought about there being an issue with commitment, no more than a vegetarian wonders if they fear eating meat lol! Or if someone who chose to be a cleaner as a profession fears becoming a millionaire. Its merely a choice or from extenuating circumstances. But fear? its such a remote consideration for me, but far be it from the ladies I meet or date to quickly jump to that conclusion lol.

So how do people out there in their 30s and 40s or beyond manage when getting those weird probing comments about their marital status? I enjoyed my 20s immensly and have no intention of slowing down. The way I see it life is too short and my travelling lifestyle too exciting to want something else for the time being.
 RoughAsGuts
Joined: 7/27/2008
Msg: 2
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Commitment phobic or lifestye choice?
Posted: 8/20/2008 11:52:29 PM
Thankyou windsor_saints08

Yeh your quite right mate. I guess I could go on a tangent and tell them my life story about how in some instances having a lovely summer in Italy may have seemed more appealing than getting serious with a girl. Or how my priorities at 25 to visit all the major cities of the world took precedence over the odd chick that was chasing me at the time. Its all about perspective.

You raise a good point, do these women who like to probe older single guys fear lonliness? Its one way of looking at it hehe. Of course people sometimes like to question someone who doesnt lead a mainstream lifestyle, especially when they see that person so chirpy and fulfilled. Its like an unsolved riddle to them. Guess Im an enigma then to some of my lady friends lol. They are always trying to figure men out hehe.

I liked your definition on settling down. Perhaps settling down isnt always about having 2.3 kids and the big house with white picket fences. Its all about perspective and what someone really desires in life. I shook off parents expectations in my early 20s when they wanted me to be a lawyer like so many before me, I guess now in my 30s I just have to shrug off societies expectations.

Anyways thanks for the insight, enjoy the good life :) words to definitely live by in my book!
 RoughAsGuts
Joined: 7/27/2008
Msg: 3
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Commitment phobic or lifestye choice?
Posted: 8/21/2008 12:28:36 AM
Didnt see you post before stacey, but I hear ya. Sure girls can also be asking to make sure the guy isnt after a quick marriage. Just in my experience thats not usually the case. My only gripe is the sudden rush of interest in my martial status that I never got asked prior to 30, 31. Its like 30 is the magic number for when a girl your with is welcome to unleash a barrage of questions relating to life plans and children lol!

Perhaps in California girls ask 30something guys who are single about their marital status to ensure they dont get a guy aching to be a daddy right away, but here in OZ the opposite is usually true.

Thanks for your feedback btw ;)
 britalynn
Joined: 3/10/2008
Msg: 4
Commitment phobic or lifestye choice?
Posted: 8/21/2008 12:33:21 AM
wow if your happy go for it... and u cant worry about what others think..
I cant say I have done everything right... and wow i no that... but I have 3 great kids almost raised and would never change that.... maybe being married I would... lol
But being single I am happy .. do my thing and not deal with the bs... have a great life be happy and smile
 RoughAsGuts
Joined: 7/27/2008
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Commitment phobic or lifestye choice?
Posted: 8/22/2008 3:40:56 AM
Now now play nice people :P

You know the thing about personal experience is that if you talk about it for long enough to enough people it will always sound biased to someone else. However as I stated this was originally about my recent encounters with women who ask questions usually relating to my age and why I havent settled down. Sometimes its very unflattering. Of course as stacey states not all are this way or asking for this purpose. cdflash illustrates the typical demeanour of the girls who ask quite well. There is usually this underlying nitpicking attitude. My curiosity with it all was that it suddenly became prevalent just as I turned 30. But then again my problem may lie with the women I date. Ive always tended to date my own age, perhaps its time to date younger, because it was never a problem with girls when I was in my mid to early 20s.
 El_Mariachi
Joined: 4/21/2007
Msg: 6
Commitment phobic or lifestye choice?
Posted: 8/22/2008 7:48:23 AM

However there wasnt anything the matter with my carefree lifestyle until I hit my 30s.


There still isn't anything wrong with it.


Although my male friends are totally cool with being single childless at 32, it seems that suddenly some of my women friends are not, even strangers ponder if Im another commitment phobic guy.


Maybe some of these women see you as a perfect candidate for marriage and fatherhood.. deciding you'd be quite the catch for some lucky girl, but generally, the women who say $hit like that to people are merely trying to justify their own lifestyles... they chose marriage and kids and while they probably love their family and all that stuff... they're miserable.

I can see how that loss of freedom can kick a person in the face.


Is it such a wild notion to people that men can be 30 something and happily single?


The way some folks act.. you may as well tell them the sky is purple. I mean how odd... one can be happy without tying themselves to another for eternity? Hmm.. maybe they could if they made the right choice, I suppose, but who does that? And the eternity thing? I don't see that happening much... do you?

To me it's far wiser to set your life up how you want it and THEN start adding other people to it (if that's your desire).


I have always been embracing of other peoples lifestyles, in my travels I meet so many kinds of people, and learnt that trying to fit into one role or lifestyle is like trying to be an actor and starring in the same movie over and over again.


In my experience, many parents (almost always moms) are totally incapable of being accepting once they've come across someone who doesn't want to reproduce or simply isn't ready yet. They want to be accepted, of course... but rarely offer that acceptance to other people.


So how do people out there in their 30s and 40s or beyond manage when getting those weird probing comments about their marital status?


I state the truth. Neither marriage, nor having kids was ever a priority. Having kids for me is a closed book, too. Marriage could be nice, but I'm only gonna do it if I'm positive.. and I've yet to be that certain I want to be with anyone for an eternity... plus the only way I'd do it at all is if I wanted to be with that special person til I drop dead (or he does).

When (or if) I get hassled about my answers, I always turn it back on the person asking. Or I just don't stick around to hear the shrieks of, "you don't know what a beautiful experience you are missing".


My only gripe is the sudden rush of interest in my martial status that I never got asked prior to 30, 31. Its like 30 is the magic number for when a girl your with is welcome to unleash a barrage of questions relating to life plans and children lol!


Then you really ought to be glad you're not a woman, because for me... people started asking me why I wasn't looking for a hubby at young as 20. Why do men seem to have that 10 yr grace period where no one'll ask them such stupid questions anyway? So unfair.
 RoughAsGuts
Joined: 7/27/2008
Msg: 7
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Commitment phobic or lifestye choice?
Posted: 8/23/2008 10:14:44 PM
Cuz thats when the scaffoling hits the pavement and everything comes crashing down.. so to speakLOL :P Although my looks arent going south yet, and yeh i really cant say why girls get pressured so early on, plenty of girls my age look not a day over 25 from my immediate friends. Looking at it from that point of view El_Mariachi, your right that its quite unfair for you girls.
 redd137
Joined: 9/23/2007
Msg: 8
Commitment phobic or lifestye choice?
Posted: 8/28/2008 12:45:21 PM
I just had to reply because this was bothering me the other day! The guy I was dating for quite a while gave me quite a hassle over this. I just turned 29 in July and he turned 36 in August, he had the audacity to tell me that I had one foot in the grave and the other on the way because women. unlike men, age similar to dog years. So I am already an old maid! He, is safe as can be and free to enjoy his youth!

This always amazed me, because I was, in the end the one that wanted the commitment and he was the one that didn't. Whenever we met, he had to chase me just to keep me from avoinding any type of commitment!! We're all damned if we do and damned if we don't
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