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Show ALL Forums  > California  > Why does everything change after marriage?      Home login  
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 firstson01
Joined: 4/12/2008
Msg: 1
Why does everything change after marriage?Page 1 of 2    (1, 2)
Why is it that after a couple gets married everything has to change? Before I married her we used to kiss, hug, hold hands and be intimate 2-3 times a day some days. Life was good.

Until we got married. It seemed as though everything started to change so fast. The hugging and kissing stopped and the intimacy went to one time a month. If that!

I totally had a meltdown and asked her what the deal was. She told me that since we were now married we had a lifetime to kiss and hug and be intimate.

What a raw deal because I feel that what you did to get that man or woman you should do to keep them.

Oh...and she also told me this is how marriage is suppose to be. I disagree!

Now it's to a point that I told her that I wasn't going to turn down an offer if a woman wanted me sexually. It's been over 4-5 months and I am tired of not feeling a woman's body on mine. She thinks I'm kidding but jokes over.

Has anyone else had this experience and do you feel the same way I do?
 stratoman1
Joined: 9/19/2007
Msg: 2
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Why does everything change after marriage?
Posted: 8/22/2008 1:31:11 PM
OP: What a raw deal because I feel that what you did to get that man or woman you should do to keep them.

Perhaps taking a little of your own advise would make a difference.
You are married and advertising on a dating site for extracurricular activities????? You think she doesn't notice this? I'd bet you spend lots of time noticing other women even in her presence. You think she doesn't realize she is in a relationship with someone who is not committed to her? And, you think that she ought to want to have sex with you? I don't know what planet some people live on but here on Earth most people with any self respect at all would not put up with this kind of behavior.

try a little tenderness , try being a husband she can be proud of and secure with
try being an honorable man!
 The Minister of Dudeness
Joined: 6/11/2006
Msg: 3
Why does everything change after marriage?
Posted: 8/22/2008 2:28:11 PM
The moment you say 'I do'... she says, 'I don't'...

 Pete73052
Joined: 1/29/2006
Msg: 4
Why does everything change after marriage?
Posted: 8/22/2008 2:54:59 PM
A man is not complete until he's married... then he's finished.
 Bluesman2008
Joined: 4/2/2008
Msg: 5
Why does everything change after marriage?
Posted: 8/22/2008 3:49:34 PM
Isn't that why they say "familiarity breeds contempt".
 firstson01
Joined: 4/12/2008
Msg: 6
Why does everything change after marriage?
Posted: 8/23/2008 1:44:54 AM
Sorry everyone. Not to blame for this. I tell my wife everyday she is beautiful which she is. She doesn't tell me I'm handsome but again she never has. She will comment about men on television being handsome. Whatever!

I guess no-one really read my attached message. When we were married everything changed. She felt it wasn't important anymore to kiss, hug and be intimate because she felt we have a lifetime for it.

Now, I am a gentleman and always have been. No, I don't look at other women when I am with her. That would be very rude and inappropriate. We are out with our kids so my attention is on them.

All I know is I am getting tired of waiting for her to decide if she wants me sexually or not. I miss the kissing and hugging. I will never leave her because we do have our sons together and inside I do love her still. I know men are suppose to be rocks but I need to be told I'm wanted by my wife.

So, I don't point fingers I just give the facts.
 Pete73052
Joined: 1/29/2006
Msg: 7
Why does everything change after marriage?
Posted: 8/23/2008 6:36:22 AM
Two words... Family Therapy.
 Pete73052
Joined: 1/29/2006
Msg: 8
Why does everything change after marriage?
Posted: 8/23/2008 8:45:26 AM
I didn't mean YOU had to give it to him but YEAH THAT ^^^
 JadeMuse
Joined: 11/3/2007
Msg: 9
Why does everything change after marriage?
Posted: 8/23/2008 1:36:34 PM
If you are already living like a married couple before you actually get married, the only thing that changes is no longer having the pressure of throwing the nuptials (except the bills therefrom!).
 huixin
Joined: 11/22/2007
Msg: 10
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Why does everything change after marriage?
Posted: 8/24/2008 2:00:09 AM
Marriage is the tumb of the love
 AceOfSpace
Joined: 5/28/2007
Msg: 11
Why does everything change after marriage?
Posted: 8/24/2008 7:46:29 PM
Dude. If you don't have any kids yet, get out. Marriage isn't supposed to be like that, and if she thinks it is then neither you nor an army of therapists will change her mind.

Cut her off sexually before she stick you with a kid. The only way you can guarantee that she does not get pregnant on you is not to have sex with her at all any more. As soon as she realizes that you are really aren't going to be faithful, or that you plan to divorce her she will try to set a hook in you because she ****ed you enough to own you and now she wants to collect for the rest of her life.

Cut her off sexually now. Make arrangements to move out as soon as possible, even if it means going back to live with your parents. See a lawyer first thing in the morning. Call in sick from work to do so.

Don't talk to her. Don't listen to her promises. And KEEP YOUR PANTS ON!!!!!!!!!!

Your future is at stake.

And when you get out, if you don't already have a college degree, go back to school and get one. An educated girl with some self respect will want to you to be with her because she makes you happy and keeps you satisfied, and you the same for her. That's what marriage is about.

GET OUT!!!!!!

And for those of you who are all set to flame me for this, here's the thing. She didn't say, "I don't feel wanted by you, I don't feel appreciated, you aren't romancing me, you don't pay attention to me." This kid isn't complacent. My impression is that he's in there pitching and she prefers her idea of married life to the reality of being married to _him._ And if that's the case, he's screwed. And if he's screwed, it's time for serious damage control.

So OP, if my read on your situation is correct, do right by yourself. If it's not, then do everything in your power to save the marriage. But if you honestly suspect that you might have been baited and switched, GET THE HELL OUT!
 Janet4ever
Joined: 4/14/2008
Msg: 12
Why does everything change after marriage?
Posted: 8/24/2008 8:24:08 PM
OP, if you married someone that doesn't enjoy physical intimacy with you, you're screwed -- so to speak. No amount of begging, complaining or coercing is going to change that.

So many women feel that when they become a wife, they stop being the girlfriend. What a mistake. And no wonder why after married we sometimes long to be single again and find that exciting girlfriend again in someone else... so we divorce.

It's not a gender thing either. Men do it too. (from my own experience)

You can try and do marriage therapy but I would agree with Ace that since you do not have children, cut your losses before you bring some other innocent lives into the mix.
 Foster1
Joined: 1/8/2007
Msg: 13
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Why does everything change after marriage?
Posted: 8/24/2008 8:55:31 PM
It's really very simple if you like intimacy, hugging, kissing the very spontaneity that happens between lovers you probably shouldn't get married. Marriage by definition is governed by rules, and laws that grants rights and privileges to all parties involved. As soon as a union becomes legal it becomes more serious which usually means the things you enjoyed the most become least important.

Change is inevitable after marriage to a certain degree your spouse is right to look toward the future with a careful optimism everything depreciates over time. I'm trying not to sound to cynical about your wants and needs but anyone who has ever been in long term relationship has experienced similar degrees of dissatisfaction. Realistically theres no way she can keep up that beginning level of enthusiastic pleasure without hitting a serious plateau.

We must not forget to be happy for the present but also be thankful for past events and always remember thats what they are past events. We must forge our future with strategies of success. Partnerships can't be repaired by statements of treason. Knowing women I'm sure she doesn't think your kidding, neither does any other woman on this board. Good luck fishing!
 Pete73052
Joined: 1/29/2006
Msg: 14
Why does everything change after marriage?
Posted: 8/24/2008 8:57:43 PM

It's really very simple if you like intimacy, hugging, kissing the very spontaneity that happens between lovers you probably shouldn't get married.


 distantprospect
Joined: 8/18/2008
Msg: 15
Why does everything change after marriage?
Posted: 8/24/2008 11:20:37 PM
Why? Because of the value shift and cultural norms in these , my sweet 16 MTV, "modern times" of mostly, American, or Americanized women.

Instead of being a life-mate. A teammate in all things. Someone you can trust with your life where both partners work for the continued benefit of themselves and the team and being together in all things, women today seem to have an "entitlement" mentality. They want to take take take. And Spend Spend Spend. Why invest our money for a 7.5% semi annual return when I can buy those brand new Bernini shoes? Not all women are like this. But many are.

Men get married hoping everything will stay the same. Women seem to get married hoping everything will change.

What does the typical American women do after she gets married. Let me tell you:

1) Gains weight 2) Cuts her hair 3) Spends allot of "our" money 4) Argues 5) Nags 6) Etc.

And guess what? This is the real me! If you don't like it fine! There is the door! Oh and by the way before you go..... I'LL TAKE HALF OF EVERYTHING YOU HAVE EVER MADE.

It's kind of funny. In any business contract if I pretended to be something I was not to get you to sign the contract that would be grounds for revocation of whatever contract you signed because it was done under false pretenses. Same thing should apply to marriage.

Unfortunately for you buddy, you did not get a Prenup. And now that you are online, soliciting Adultery, WHICH IS TOTALLY IMMORAL you stand to lose MORE THAN HALF in any divorce.

With the selfishness and women's disdainful attitudes towards traditional norms and values which worked well in the past it's all about me me me me. That means it is too risky to get married today.
 distantprospect
Joined: 8/18/2008
Msg: 16
Why does everything change after marriage?
Posted: 8/24/2008 11:37:17 PM
"Hand over the American Express, the Mastercard, the Nordies, and the Bloomies and you will be feeling the LOVE all over again...."

I don't even need to click on this persons profile to see she is a women. I KNOW she is a women.

That is the most idiotic thing I have ever heard. If you have to buy her love it's time to cut your losses and get out. Why is it that women simply cannot understand finances? Credit is stupid and should be avoided at all costs.

Yes. Let her run up your credit cards and max them all out. That way you will have to pay off 50%+ of the total if you get divorced and your credit rating will suffer and even if you do pay your half and she does not your credit score will be affected and vice versa. Or maybe, like many American women, she is running the cards up now, possibly knowing your income will pay 100% of the debt off. Another example of selfish behavior in a marriage.
 Pete73052
Joined: 1/29/2006
Msg: 17
Why does everything change after marriage?
Posted: 8/24/2008 11:48:03 PM
All righty then...
^^^
(I wonder if the ladies are thinking - "What a waste of good looks"?)

Here's a thought or two:
- Marry the right person... don't settle.
- Demonstrate your love recklessly and regularly.
- Never go to bed so mad that you can't kiss each other good night.
- No matter what, NEVER lose respect for each other - because if that's gone, you're done.
 The Minister of Dudeness
Joined: 6/11/2006
Msg: 18
Why does everything change after marriage?
Posted: 8/24/2008 11:55:17 PM
^ distantprospect

Dude!!!

You are quite bitter for man who is only 28 years old. Dang, it took me until age 42 or so to get that bitter. (And perceptive, I might add: Men get married hoping everything will stay the same. Women seem to get married hoping everything will change. ). Lighten up a little. Despite your having such wisdom at a relatively early age, I assure you that you have many, many years left to capitalize on the opportunity to get taken to the cleaners again and again by an American Female Spousal Unit.

On the other side of the coin, if you marry a woman who possesses a bullet-proof commitment to a personal set of values that features self-reliance, true adult maturity, the ability and willingness to give, and acceptance of responsibility for her own personal happiness--and you reciprocate in kind with your own attitude and actions--marriage and it's ties that bind can be not only liberating but downright exhilarating, since nothing else comes close to the satisfaction found in a true give-and-take partnership. Every passing day feels like another brick that goes into the construction of a potentially magnificent structure that reflects the achievement and synergy of two lives lived together in an ideal manner. (But it does take some effort from time to time, but it is well worth it.)

Here's wishing good luck to all of us in our search for finding The Right One who is able and willing to do his or her share toward building a solid partnership, and to our own willingness and ability to do our part.
 AceOfSpace
Joined: 5/28/2007
Msg: 19
Why does everything change after marriage?
Posted: 8/25/2008 8:19:13 AM
OP,

I see that you do have a child with her. That complicates things. It could also be the cause of your problem. She might have her hands full with your son; when children are involved they become the priority. Are you doing all that you could to help her with him? If not, she might hot have the energy or much desire to take care of you.

You shouldn't feel completely neglected but you do need to understand her situation a bit better.

Were you living together out of wedlock with your child? Did you get married for the sake of the child? If so, she might think it was a marriage of convenience for you, and who would feel honored by that?

You can continue to be friends with her as the mother of your child, but if she's just not willing to be a wife to you because she sees herself as a mother instead, then you're probably going to wind up divorced sooner or later. So, you might as well get it over with sooner rather than later. Having things settled, however they fall out, is better for a child than living in turmoil.

With a child in the mix I'd have to change my advice. I'd still cut her off sexually because of the risk of an accident. However, I wouldn't move out immediately. I'd still talk to a lawyer and get the paperwork started. But I would also go into counseling to find out everything that has been going wrong for her. When you have a full understanding of her situation and how she feels about it, then you be in a better place to decide whether to stay with her or not.

Good luck!
 Lady Always
Joined: 7/3/2007
Msg: 20
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Why does everything change after marriage?
Posted: 8/25/2008 9:06:30 AM
Thank you to those (stratoman1, greeneyes1343, sock, etc). who actually gave mature advice to someone who seemed to need it rather than criticism. What’s the point of waging a sexist argument? It only tends to breed contempt. None of us are perfect.

It's good to know there are some who doesn't let past bitterness or memories colour future hopes of finding that partner who will be a perfect fit for us.

I only have one comment: “it takes two to tango”, make of that what you will.

I also echo the sentiment below:
Here's wishing good luck to all of us in our search for finding The Right One who is able and willing to do his or her share toward building a solid partnership, and to our own willingness and ability to do our part.

Good luck firstson01 in whatever you decide to do.
 StrangerInTheHouse
Joined: 2/9/2008
Msg: 21
Why does everything change after marriage?
Posted: 8/25/2008 12:50:18 PM
When you get married, it makes outside pressures more a part of the relationship. Love is love. Marriage is more of a family business. You share worries about income, living conditions, working conditions, transportation and many other things. Ideally, you love the person you're married to, but the relationship CERTAINLY changes...
every relationship I've seen or been a part of, anyway.

Conversely, when you're not living with or married to a person, there's usually a parting of the ways.
 Pete73052
Joined: 1/29/2006
Msg: 22
Why does everything change after marriage?
Posted: 8/25/2008 7:16:49 PM
I'm thinking of changing my wardrobe to velcro...
 Pete73052
Joined: 1/29/2006
Msg: 23
Why does everything change after marriage?
Posted: 8/25/2008 10:02:49 PM
They come for the unbuttoned look, they stay for the velcro. ... well, actually... BECAUSE of the velcro.
 The Minister of Dudeness
Joined: 6/11/2006
Msg: 24
Why does everything change after marriage?
Posted: 8/25/2008 11:26:44 PM
Pete’s shirts default to Unbutton
So he must walk around holding his gut in
But it inspired some Poodle pixie
To go down and start whistling Dixie
Now more than his paunch is out juttin’

The night he recited his nuptials
Poodle Pixie fondled his Pup Jewels
Ripping open the velaycro
To commence honeymoon fellatio
Proves button down flies are for fools
 caliope08
Joined: 6/1/2008
Msg: 25
Why does everything change after marriage?
Posted: 9/1/2008 9:55:11 PM
we ladies are finished, too!

I think when the chase is over, people sometimes quit making the same effort they did when they and their partner were free. Spouses still have to make time for each other, do interesting things together, and surprises.
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