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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Being there for your partner      Home login  
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 2
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Being there for your partnerPage 1 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
You know, this is a hard one and I seem to remember you occasionally during this relationship being ticked for reasons of this nature. Not anything when seen as a single incident to really get that bent about but I would be thoroughly pissed about the moving thing.

And the birthday party, that is supposed to be his stepson eventually so while you aren't married, you take on that role long before you actually wed so essentially, I would think of it like he can't be bothered to go to his son's birthday? Is he suddenly going to WANT to be at the boy's events because he is now "officially" his stepfather?

I think you are concerned because you don't feel like he has both feet in the relationship and you are leery that things won't change when you marry. If he is serious, he is serious now, not serious in the future. Family is important and he either likes them and wants to spend time around them or he doesn't.

The moving and the birthday I would be very upset about because the one he should have been at period, no excuse and with the moving, are you going to have to pencil things in for him, make sure he takes a day off of work in advance when he can ask for it off? What were YOU supposed to do FOR him to make the moving different for you, because now you just feel like a piece that he doesn't really care about.

He should have asked for the time off weeks ago when you first planned the move, isn't that one of the reasons you discussed it with him in the first place? If you said you would be there to do something for him and then bailed, would he be pissed? Same thing, he could only blame it on his job if he asked for the time weeks ago and they denied it then, not now because he failed to remember to ask for the time off.

And to more directly answer your question, at a year and a half, I would expect his ass moving, at 10 months I would expect his ass at a party, and to go for nearly a year without seeing your family when you obviously spend a good bit of time around them? Are you prepared to break up with him? Because haven't you had this conversation before and he doesn't get it?
Joined: 4/7/2005
Msg: 6
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Being there for your partner
Posted: 8/24/2008 10:05:25 PM
From your description your guy has demonstrated a consistent pattern and you nailed it " It doesnt come naturally to him to think about me" end of story. Bad habits get worse with time so the real question is are you willing and able to tolerate this behavior for the rest of your relationship? My guess is that you are seeing him at his best and it will only get worse. If he doesnt naturally think about you and what is important and pleasing to you then he basically only thinks of himself and what you can do for him. Its not like you havent given him clues and made him aware of your expectations, therefore he doesnt appear to be trainable. LOL.
Joined: 7/26/2008
Msg: 10
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Being there for your partner
Posted: 8/25/2008 7:02:12 AM
As others have suggested you are both young and you have had to mature more quickly because of your responsibilities.

However, that being said, he knew your circumstances when he decided to bring you into his life and with that comes everything else. He truly may not know the importance of this to you because he has not experienced it himself yet. I think you should talk to him about it, see how it goes and if changes don't occur, then you need to really look at the situation as it is and decide for yourself if you are willing to be in a relationship with someone who does not have the same emphasis on what is important in life as you do. This may or may not change as he matures, and this is something you will have to decide if you want to take a chance on.

As far as the moving.. yes, he should want to be there for you as you would be for him, I think that one is a no-brainer. I would talk to him about that as well, letting him know how it makes you feel. If, as stated above, he continues not to be there for you when it is needed or important to you, then you have a lot to think about.
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 13
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Being there for your partner
Posted: 8/28/2008 12:05:28 AM
Never, never, never, never marry someone who does things you find disrespectful and that makes you unhappy. This sort of thing will get worse not better. Instead of marrying someone who does things you don't like and who does not do things with you together and with your family when it means so much to you, then being resentful and growing to hate them...just don't marry them. Move on, find someone compatible, life is tough enough, the last thing any of us need in our lives is someone we know before hand will stress us out and cause us emotional pain. Whatever else you are thinking about him, these are some serious riffs that will eat at you for your entire marriage, not to mention that it will keep you from enjoying your family because you have this extra stress from your partner.

This is an avoidable problem, you are making a choice to enter into a marriage where you know that something as important as family will be disrespected. Why would you purposely choose that? And your own child, he deserved much better but has no choice, you are making choices for him and putting him in a situation where he will learn role modeling that will teach him to disrespect you, your family and himself. I can't tell you how serious a mistake this will be. Of course his actions tell the truth, why make excuses for him, what good is it going to do anyone?
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 14
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Being there for your partner
Posted: 8/28/2008 12:43:19 AM
msg 33
It’s so easy for people to come up with their own conclusion on things when they only get bits and pieces of the TRUE & FULL story. Let’s be fair and real. It would take to long to write everything but you got a little bit from her point and you will get a little bit from mine. What she failed to leave out is that just last week I took the FULL Friday off of work and spend the entire day with her for her Birthday. Also I told her I would help her move many things the day before the “BIG” move and I provided her with most of the boxes she is using! I moved a trip to Chicago with a friend the 1st week of August to help her move, she never ended up moving then until this weekend now. I live about 45 min. away from her and it can be a challenge sometimes to see each other. The holidays can be tricky b/c we both have family events that we both try to attend plus I don’t get invited to many other functions so that would make it difficult to see her family throughout the year. She left out last Halloween I spent with her and her son and her family. I drove 30 min. to help her fix a flat tire a few weeks back and never once hesitated going to help, I spent last Christmas morning unwrapping presents with her and her son then had a family event she came to later on that evening. I make my way out to see her at least 2 to 3 times a week. Gas is not cheap. She can only come out to see me once every 2 or 3 weeks (and that’s if I’m lucky), she has a son I get that. I know what I’m taking on. I could go on, etc., so on, and blah blah. Point being we both have made and till need to make sacrifices. After all, I always tell her, “it’s a give and take” in relationships. I’m not trying to make this into a he said, she said debate. I love her VERY much!!! Yes there are concerns for her and I to work out and yes I can admit I’m not perfect all the time. I could write a lot more but I just want to make this a more fair and balanced blog. This is coming from MY point of view of course.

Ah jmdub, it must be hard for you to read these posts. People know they are only getting part of the story... and can only respond to that part. I remember Melissa's posts over the birthday party and at that time it seemed she was reacting with what she assumed you were thinking/feeling. As I recall... you two had a good talk and she saw your pov and reached a compromise. I'm not sure why she dragged the bday party into this post, as I thought it had been settled between the two of you.

It's clear you both love each other, or Melissa wouldn't be trying to test her reactions out here to see if they are well-founded. It is also clear you have differing expectations. While that is common in new/young relationships... the answer is to try to talk about it without blame or defensiveness... and try to get a very clear understanding of what you both need. Then collaborate together to try to ensure *both* are getting their needs met. It is a matter of balance and perspective. Always try to understand the other person's pov first... before giving your own. It's hard not to interrupt at first... but work at understanding and much of the problems will disappear.

Last bit of advise... focus on "what works" rather than "what is wrong". Try to turn any slide into negative stuff into how can we make this work? Just that shift into positive territory alone will help tremendously.

There is not a perfect person on the face of the planet... my wish for both of you is you accept each others' flaws and work together to create the relationship you both want.

Best wishes.
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 16
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Being there for your partner
Posted: 8/30/2008 6:50:57 AM
Melissa and jmdub, please read Margo's post. You have fallen into keeping score, it is easy to do and understandable but you need to remember, that you should do things for each other because you love each other and not to get any appreciation or anything else in return. That is hard to do on a day to day basis but it is one of the major reasons that relationships fall apart and it has nothing to do with age. I have a friend whose relationship is in tatters pretty much for that alone and that couple has more than twenty years on you two.

I think you both are making an effort, compromising but sometimes when we get stressed out our buttons get pushed and it is easier to find fault than to find the good. One thing you do benefit from with age is learning that being right is not always what it is cracked up to be and it can mean being alone. Again, read Margo's post, it is good advice and advice that you can apply at any time that things start moving toward negative emotions. After she is settled, get a sitter or whatever and spend some time just the two of you reconnecting and as this is all pretty much water under the bridge, get over it. You were both pissed so things are kind of even.

OP, it sounds like your boyfriend tried to help to the best of his ability, that there was a false start with this and you changed the moving date. You can't expect him to jump through hoops with that situation and it also sounds like you don't appreciate what he DID DO to help you because it wasn't exactly what you wanted. Moving is stressful and it is easy to get frustrated and we often take that out on the people we love the most. Remember that this is who he is, one of the people you love the most.
Joined: 9/19/2007
Msg: 18
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Being there for your partner
Posted: 10/4/2008 12:52:52 PM
There are times when it has to be admitted that two people simply are not a match. Right now you two are not a match. You’re going to have to work at this a lot more.

Melissa, you have a man who works and saves, we don't know why; we don't know what his plans are but, he obviously has plans and is working toward them. Many women would see this as a positive characteristic in a man however; you see it as a negative. It's something that just takes time away from you. Having read your man's post I believe he does a lot for you already and attempts to compromise so that he can give to you what he can. But, it's not enough for you. He seems like an honorable guy to me, doing what he thinks is right and, handling his business the best way he can; juggling his own aspirations with your desires but it’s not "just right" for you.

He will never be able to get everything right for you and, he shouldn’t have to. You cannot rely on a man for everything. For you to set your expectations beyond his limits is far too stressful on him and frustrating for you. He will fail you often and, you will be resentful. You will spend too many nights crying yourself to sleep over the last thing he didn’t do and he will spend those nights on the couch or in the garage just to stay out of your way. Next thing you know the walls come tumbling down and he’s hitting the bricks. Some things you need to do for yourself. If you can’t or are unwilling then he’s not the guy for you. He’s not someone that you can lean on for every little thing. You have to be able to stand on your own two feet occasionally.

I get the idea that you are a very demanding person with the added bonus of being difficult to please. Everything is all about you isn’t sweetie. At 24 years old you still believe that a child’s birthday or holidays or moving day are life changing events. You won’t know that they are insignificant until something comes along that potentially can change everything you ever believed. Real, life changing events like sickness or catastrophe or death, or even these bad economic times we face, that’s when you need him. To be strong for you when you are unable; to carry you in his arms across this raging river to the safety of the opposite shore; to stand tall when you cannot, to comfort you and hold you when you have fallen and to help you get up again. And, Melissa, at times you will need to be there for him too, because he will need you. This is what partners do for each other. If you cannot stand alone you will never make a good partner for anyone.

Remember this: Life just loves the curve ball. You never know when it’s coming, just know that it is and, you better be ready.

Good luck to both of you.
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 21
Being there for your partner
Posted: 11/14/2008 11:24:58 AM
OP, unfortunately you're both in completely different wavelengths. He still lives at home. So he has no responsibilities and in his mind he is still a child. You in the other hand happen to live in an adult world.

Until he lives on his own he will not change, he will not learn. Only then will he see the light.

So, if I were you. I would not marry this guy. Not until he las lived on his own for at least 1 year. Otherwise all he is doing is moving from one place where he is the child to another place where he will soon become a child again.
Joined: 1/16/2006
Msg: 23
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Being there for your partner
Posted: 11/14/2008 11:38:23 AM
Women often times want you to be there for them, help move, help with this or help with that, but when the shoe is on the other foot, they are not there to help you. I believe this has something to do with the word high maintanace.
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