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Show ALL Forums  > Broken Hearts  > How does one find ones self again?      Home login  
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 bike66
Joined: 4/20/2007
Msg: 1
How does one find ones self again?Page 1 of 1    
All due respect ladies as I know many males consider this a female thing but after having put 15 years into a relationship I have come to the conclusion that I dont know who I am any more. I have lived most of my life at everyone elses beck and call and now its my turn I am lost as to working out who I really am and what I really want. Is this common or am I just not dealing?
 xval
Joined: 6/13/2008
Msg: 2
How does one find ones self again?
Posted: 8/25/2008 11:43:15 PM
Yes.....it is common AND normal!......and not really a gender specific issue either.
The best thing you can do, is all of the things you had wanted to do, or thought about trying, but never did because you were too busy "being at everyone else's beck and call". Try some new things, meet new people, take some dance classes, travel a little, change your 'look'.....
In time you will find 'yourself' again....and discover what it is YOU want. (When you do...make sure not to lose it again!)
It just takes a little time.....be patient, and enjoy!
 urkindanosey
Joined: 9/18/2007
Msg: 3
How does one find ones self again?
Posted: 8/25/2008 11:51:13 PM
I have always found it helpful to write. Write about yourself, your life, who you were, your childhood....just write......even if no one else ever see's it. Its very cleansing and something happens that you do get in touch with yourself again. I write when Im depressed....deal with my demons of the past.

My fiancee passed away three years ago and I was the most devastating experience of my life. I started writing him letters every night on the computer, half hoping he would answer them. But it helped me cope with my grief. As time went by I would skip days.....and then eventually weeks......and now I dont write to him anymore. I dont need to.

Write letters to your wife ....not to send them.....but to get in touch with what troubled you about the marriage. You will start to know who you are.
 rocky zen
Joined: 12/25/2004
Msg: 4
How does one find ones self again?
Posted: 8/25/2008 11:56:42 PM
Hi Bike, well first of all I do not think it is a just a female problem and I believe you are not the only person to ever feel like you do, especially after a long relationship. Like in any relationship you adapt to your partner, to their needs, because only then can a relationship really work. Which once it is over, then you are left with big gaping hole in your life which is hard to fill, and from reading this thread, it is probably why you feel like you do now.
Now regarding your stage in life, regales of what age you are as that really plays no part in feeling lost in oneself. You need to ask yourself a couple of deep questions, like what do you want in life and what are you going to do to make that happen? I am not just talking about work etc, I mean the real you, and what do you need to in order for you to find yourself again.

I crossed this bridge a long time ago, when I lost my brother through leukemia. But in reflection I think it made me a better person today then I was then. Therefore, do not look at the way you are feeling as a negative, in fact it can be quite the opposite. The way you are feeling gives you a chance to become the real you, make some exciting and life changing decisions, regless of what they are, they are changes… which is always a good thing never a bad one. However, it depends if you look at things from a half a glass prospective or full glass. I try to never look at anything in a negative way, as that gets me nowhere, and many times when something negative happens in my life, something positive is just around the corner.

I do however, suggest that you stay out of relationships for a while. Because a relationship will just confuse you even more, because before you know it you will be adapting to another person’s way of life again.

Look at this time in your life as not being lost, but more of an opportunity to find yourself again.

Hey buddy, hope this did not come across as a sermon... shi#t not meant to haha… but as I said I have been there and that was how I got myself out of it. Thought my experience and advice my be of some help to you,and you seemed to need a friend, that was why I took the time to reply.

Hopes this helped!
 bike66
Joined: 4/20/2007
Msg: 5
How does one find ones self again?
Posted: 8/26/2008 12:24:05 AM
Thanks rocky no sermon taken just good advice thanks
 L.D.
Joined: 6/7/2008
Msg: 6
How does one find ones self again?
Posted: 8/26/2008 12:31:45 AM
That's a good question. I've been on that path a bit over the past few years after being married 15 years and having someone I almost worshipped pull life's rug out from under me.

I've eventually come around to the conclusion that the bigger picture is that my life is about service to others and that finding a life's companion is secondary. You're more likely to find the right person for yourself in a group where a person like you is interacting with others. Here I think that's actually harder to do. You might be more likely in a church or social real world situation.
 Tarika
Joined: 5/23/2007
Msg: 7
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History
How does one find ones self again?
Posted: 8/26/2008 12:47:25 AM
I think I understand how you feel. For the last 19 years I have lived at everyone elses beck and call and always helping others. Now, that this 'looking after others' chapter is almost over....I am trying to re-establish who I am and what I want out of the remainder of my life. It is difficult because my life has been revolving around my children and their activities and helping others for so long that I have not looked after my own needs. I know it's time for me to move forward but at the same time it is scary and will most likely be challenging.
 bbthatsme
Joined: 7/4/2008
Msg: 8
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History
How does one find ones self again?
Posted: 8/26/2008 1:04:47 AM
A while ago a man I had an on /off relationship for 5 years died after as the result of an accident. At the time we were going through an "off' period, and I was determined not to go back and was actively looking for some one new in my life. Shortly after his death my daughter left home for the first time. I felt extremely fragile. However this dead man's presence was around alot, and one day I heard him say "stop looking at the negatives, look at the positives. Look at the things that make you happy, not miserable, and for god's sake woman, start living your life for you." This for me held a powerful seed. My upbringing was about pleasing others, and as an adult there has always been some one who came first. Now its me time. Don't get too bogged down by the big picture, as the song says "From little things, big things grow."
 Sivoph
Joined: 8/2/2008
Msg: 9
How does one find ones self again?
Posted: 8/26/2008 1:54:02 AM
Does anyone really know who they are? I know who I think I am...but it's more who I want to be than who I truly am.

My brain just seized up.
 Sandyfish1
Joined: 4/29/2008
Msg: 10
How does one find ones self again?
Posted: 8/26/2008 3:43:18 AM
Hey Bike,
This is the problem I am having too....after a long term thing, I have the bike and my self respect...but absolutely no idea of who I am , or am supposed to be, on my own!
Have the new place, good job w/ alot less to deal with, but seem to be having a crash and burn thing going on with just what exactly what to do with myself! When I get lost...I go fishing...bike riding is no fun alone!
Let me know if you find a solution...please! We are getting too old for this shit!
Sandy
 Alyosha
Joined: 10/29/2007
Msg: 11
How does one find ones self again?
Posted: 8/26/2008 3:53:54 AM

All due respect ladies as I know many males consider this a female thing but after having put 15 years into a relationship I have come to the conclusion that I dont know who I am any more. I have lived most of my life at everyone elses beck and call and now its my turn I am lost as to working out who I really am and what I really want. Is this common or am I just not dealing?


Permit me to respond as a self-appointed "lady" for the moment (actually, if I WERE to be one I'd prefer to be called a "dame" or even a "broad!)

First of all, I commend you for the question, one that all of us, surely, have needed or ought to ask ourselves from time to time... Then, may I suggest that you put it to one side for the time being and read - as objectively as you can - what other people post, their own efforts to figure out who THEY are. Inevitably, I think, you'll recognize something of yourself in what this one or that one says. Focussing too hard on the question might be like a fish trying to think what "water" is!
 Misscloud
Joined: 1/2/2008
Msg: 12
How does one find ones self again?
Posted: 8/26/2008 4:49:16 AM
Thanks for posting,,it's nice to see that I'm not the only one. After 23 years of being someone's wife,,mother,,,,not even a job (it was my job), I'm finding it a little difficult to adjust.
Fortunately, I have some single friends, they were there at the start of my "singlehood", and have been my guides, in one way or another.
Live for yourself for a while. Do things you could never do as a partner. You are definately on the right track.
I once asked a mental health professional if I was insane,,,,,,,,,
Oh no,,he replied,,,if you were insane ,,you'd be MUCH happier. And you'd NEVER ask the question.
You're on the right track, but no one can take this journey from you. You'll be fine.
 MaryAnn Singleton
Joined: 6/6/2008
Msg: 13
How does one find ones self again?
Posted: 8/26/2008 6:05:24 AM
It may sound like such a cliche, but it takes time. Like you I was in a long term relationship (actually it was for most of my adult life) and after the breakup, I never realized how much everything would change. First you have to deal with the pain of the breakup, the mourning of the relationship and yeah, one day you wake up and say "Gee, who am I?". I think it's especially rough for people who put a lot of time and effort into a relationship. The trick is to put that time and effort into YOU now that the relationship is over.

One thing I did after the breakup was make a long list of all the things that I want to do... I realized that I'd stopped doing alot of things because my ex wasn't into them. (For example, horseback riding... I went for the first time in over 20 years a few weekends ago.)

A breakup after a long term relationship can be a liberation and an opportunity to get to know yourself, to put yourself first for a change and to try new things, meet new people. Another cliche, but it can be a renaissance of sorts.
 iluv2create
Joined: 1/15/2008
Msg: 14
How does one find ones self again?
Posted: 8/26/2008 2:08:00 PM
Hi sir, you and us all are suffering from the sickest disease in the country.
CO-DENPENDENCY. Which states not my life (don’t be selfish), others are more important. This is the biggest lie I ever heard. Most people don’t know themselves because you were stripped of "you" at the age of 2. So you may not remember it happening to you, many of us do. Go to the self help sections of the book store and free yourself from all this crap…
 iluv2create
Joined: 1/15/2008
Msg: 15
How does one find ones self again?
Posted: 8/26/2008 2:16:05 PM
Ps We find ourselves not in other people but in our inward self. Once you rid yourself of all the crap that parents, people and god have forced , guilted or manipulated you into believing, you will find thee most beautiful person. Then you can go out as a new person and find friends and God if they exist...
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