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Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > Trying to figure this guy out...      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 BaldyisBeautiful
Joined: 3/28/2008
Msg: 2
Trying to figure this guy out...Page 1 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)

He said he's working on a crazy project at work.

I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say .. hmm, maybe he was working on a project at work! Seriously Janie, looking at your profile pics I would have to assume you might be slightly high maintenance (not a bad thing) and that you might like some of the finer things in life. With that in mind I am just completely assuming here, but you might go for the kind of guy that has a steady job, and maybe he makes a little more money then other guys. So maybe you picked a guy that takes his job seriously. That's a good thing right? Someone that can keep a job is even better. I don't see the problem here unless you are so needy that you need more attention then his job.


He has my number but only seems to email me

I personally hate talking on the phone. In fact the other night a girl called and I kept making that "hand talking" thing with to my daughter ... for which my daughter blessedly laughed!


This weekend I had invited him to come to a wine festival - well, he said he had plans. Turned out he went to his parents and ended up just fixing his fathers computer.

The key word here for me was "just". You think that fixing his dad's computer was something that he could have put off to be with you. I on the other hand think that he has had a lifelong relationship with his father and neither he nor I would put some girl that he has only been out with a couple of times in between that relationship.


He did nothing Sunday,

So friggen what? We all need downtime and maybe between work and his dad he just wanted some alone time.


went to a barbecue that was near where I lived on Monday

Again ... so friggen what! Are you in a committed relationship with him? I didn't think so!


e had said he wanted to take it nice and slow but this is tedious and I'm getting bored fast now.

Maybe this is part of his weeding out process to find out which women are too dang needy and clingy!

Darlin, I hate to say it, but just from you're post on here, I wouldn't be calling you either as you seem to need way more time and effort then even you're good looks are worth!

Can I ask what YOU are doing to help this "relationship" along? (and I use the term very loosely!)
 MajorThomas
Joined: 2/10/2008
Msg: 3
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Trying to figure this guy out...
Posted: 9/2/2008 4:10:33 PM
Married, or hes just lazy and somewhat attracted and that attraction has diminished after he has found out more about you that he doesn't like.

Happens, best thing for you to do is just move on and not let it bother you. Thats what dating is like.
 Wishes Granted
Joined: 3/6/2008
Msg: 5
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Trying to figure this guy out...
Posted: 9/2/2008 4:28:40 PM

is he married, living with someone or just uninterested?
.. Yes!
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 7
Trying to figure this guy out...
Posted: 9/2/2008 4:53:56 PM

but this is tedious and I'm getting bored fast now. I am also annoyed that he never calls and only emails me and in my reply to his email today, asked him why he never calls and only emails - is he married, living with someone or just uninterested? Quite frankly, he's being flaky and its driving me nuts to the point where I'm not sure I even want to go out with him again.

So don't!

I have never ever gone on a date with someone I met online before, so is online dating just a lot more frustrating than meeting someone in the real world?

yes it can be because it's bassackwards of how a romance develops when you meet someone in real time. You have to learn to take it with a grain of salt and for Heaven's sake! do NOT rely on the internet as the be all to end all. People do meet and fall in love,it happens every day. But there are also a lot of gameplayers, window shoppers, tire kickers and married people looking for some action on the side. You cannot be noticeably paranoid/suspicious,and don't get your hopes up TOO high.
It is what it is.
Cindy O
 ***piano4te***
Joined: 8/24/2008
Msg: 8
Trying to figure this guy out...
Posted: 9/2/2008 4:56:11 PM
Quite frankly, he's being flaky and its driving me nuts to the point where I'm not sure I even want to go out with him again.



And now..... from the guy's side of the forum pit:

"Mission Accomplished"

That's what called 'being silent....but DEADLY'...........
 MajorThomas
Joined: 2/10/2008
Msg: 13
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Trying to figure this guy out...
Posted: 9/2/2008 5:54:20 PM

I never laughed so much in my life as I did with this guy!

A lot of Guys can be socially adept and entertaining just to be polite, doesn't mean they are attracted to you just because they made you laugh a lot.

I'm sure you can be quite pleasant yourself with people you work with, they might even think you like them and your their friend, but doesn't mean you like them back or would even consider hanging out with them.

Honestly he probably saw something about you over the course of the first date, then reconfirmed on the second date he didn't like.

Thats what dates are for to find out if you like someone, if someone doesn't time to move on instead of grasping at straws.
 Dumpling-Girl
Joined: 7/20/2005
Msg: 14
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Trying to figure this guy out...
Posted: 9/2/2008 6:04:09 PM
I don't see the point in remaining hopeful. He went to a barbecue near where you lived but didn't try to get together with you that day at all? It probably isn't there for him the way it is for you. Make sure that you are not missing out on other opportunities with other men while you are "waiting for his reply."
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 15
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Trying to figure this guy out...
Posted: 9/2/2008 6:07:38 PM
Online dating isn't really that different than the real world because if I recall past the cobwebs in my brain, twenty years ago when I was dating the last time, we had conversations about why we clicked with X guy and then he disappeared, it is just easier and quicker to disappear online.

It is obvious from the post that you really want things to work with this guy and it sparks of desperation and is a turnoff for most people. Go about your business, enjoy your friends, family and your full life that normally has you so busy you don't care if someone calls. He either will or he won't, nothing you can do about it and your current state of mind alone may be keeping him away.

You went on two dates, you have no claim to his time or attention and if he feels like he is being managed into something, he won't allow any feelings he was starting to have to grow. In a word, chill.
 izzieman
Joined: 7/4/2008
Msg: 16
Trying to figure this guy out...
Posted: 9/2/2008 9:32:07 PM
I can see why a lot of relationships do not die but are unintentionally killed and I see why people like Doctor Phil are so rich. A lot of people, men and women alike seem to lose every sense of rational thinking when they are or think they are in love or in flame-suit speak, smitten.

Some men when they really like a woman get cold feet, really cold wet feet when the prospect of a long-term relationship becomes a possibility. If he is still telling you what he did with his dad, and going to a barbecue not far from your place, in most likelihood, he still likes you. (I presume he told you all these and you did not stalk him or hire a Private Eye to follow him – just kidding). If you have any questions about his intentions and status, just ask him frankly. This is why Lawyers make so much money in divorce cases. People refuse to think rationally and in this case, Janie I think this guy deserves the benefit of the doubt. Think of it this way - You could end up marrying this guy and living happily ever after. What sort of a relationship are you intending to build if at the first hint of your own suspicion you take him out to the wringer, rather than ask him simple questions? People sometimes make things unnecessarily complicated.


well, he said he had plans. Turned out he went to his parents and ended up just fixing his fathers computer
.

Going to help his father is not "JUST". Instead of behaving like a person who must have her way, you could compliment him on being so nice as to take the time to fix his father’s computer and jokingly ask him when he is coming to fix yours.

You ladies sometimes give us less credit than we (SOMETIMES) deserve. Oh and by the way I hope you he is not reading this conversation. If he is, I think he will be running even if had not intended to.
 MajorThomas
Joined: 2/10/2008
Msg: 20
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Trying to figure this guy out...
Posted: 9/2/2008 10:07:32 PM
conclusions possible without asking for more



soo... basically a pity post, since your mind was already made up, and your ignoring everyones advice.

 ~~~PlayNice~~~
Joined: 10/29/2007
Msg: 24
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Trying to figure this guy out...
Posted: 9/2/2008 10:44:30 PM
while i don't get that you're 'high maintenance' from your profile, the first little snippet from your profile about you getting so many messages may have left a sour note with baldy and you wouldn't believe how prominent first impressions can be. (sorry, not speaking for you baldy!)

that being said, i wouldn't totally dismiss what he said as being angry because he is speaking from a man's point of view which might be helpful to your situation.

it could be that the fish in question does take his work seriously (which i would definitely respect) and was trying to be upfront with you. i personally, would admire someone who felt it important to keep a commitment to his father, for pretty much the same reason that baldy pointed out. take it to mean that if you get to the point that you're together, his word will actually be enough.

while i wouldn't assume right away he was married, i would take it slowly and back off a bit to see what happens. i myself have a tendency to back away when i find that i like someone a bit more than i'm comfortable with early on due to bad experiences. so either he likes you a LOT and would rather pace himself or he has lost interest. online dating isn't always a great experience! only he knows at this time what his reasons are. you've already sent the email so relax long enough to hear his response.

good luck to you!
 southernredhead
Joined: 6/27/2008
Msg: 25
Trying to figure this guy out...
Posted: 9/3/2008 9:50:12 AM
This is not part of the thread but I couldn't find where to put it. I just wondered why guys are on this site, you write a letter and end it with be nice to hear from you even if its to say not interested. They read and delete? What Happened to polite? And common courtesy?

As for the thread I would say give him the benifit of the doubt, then if nothing move on.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 26
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Trying to figure this guy out...
Posted: 9/3/2008 9:54:22 AM
Some people bother to make time and some don't. You could be the best thing since sliced bread and if he is not at a point in his life that he really wants a relationship (even if he thinks he does), sure he is going to keep in touch and he may spend time with you but you are not necessarily going to be a priority in his life; or you could become one.

You sent the e-mail, if he responds good, if not, you either totally forget about him or like we do with some people, say hello in a month or two. You are going to meet a lot of people whether you actually go out or not, that you will feel a connection with and they disappear. This is kind of like me and computers, I don't want to know. Just shut it down and reboot.
 BaldyisBeautiful
Joined: 3/28/2008
Msg: 35
Trying to figure this guy out...
Posted: 9/3/2008 11:47:56 AM
OK, so maybe I was offbase with the "high maintenance" line! I have been known to be wrong once or twice in my life and I am usually the first person to admit it.

Now I wasn't angry at all when I wrote what I did. To me there are no reasons to get angry about any of this stuff on here. You, OP, are not in my area and will most likely never meet in this lifetime, so to be honest I have no emotional involvement in your situation and I was just trying to present a logical argument as to why he may not be contacting you right away.

With that said, I do stick to my original premise which was that I am sure you would rather date a man that takes his job, life, and family seriously rather then a guy who is going to drop everything just to be with you. If he was any other kind of guy, you wouldn't be interested in him in the first place. So cut him some slack and see where things go.
 totum_spirit
Joined: 7/2/2007
Msg: 40
Trying to figure this guy out...
Posted: 9/3/2008 7:56:29 PM
He is either married or dating someone else.
 BaldyisBeautiful
Joined: 3/28/2008
Msg: 44
Trying to figure this guy out...
Posted: 9/4/2008 8:44:56 AM
^^^^ And yet you thought I was just being mean and angry .... when it turns out I was right all along!

... hmmmm, maybe you should listen to ME instead of your friends!
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 46
Trying to figure this guy out...
Posted: 9/4/2008 9:02:54 AM

I wonder how many good relationships are killed by the good intentions of friends? Now THERE is a good topic to discuss!

OP, I'm glad to hear that the situation with this guy seems to be improving, but still, were I you I would go a bit cautiously, until you are SURE that it truly was a case of "too much stuff to get done and not enough time to do it in" that assaults just about everyone from time to time, and not a smokescreen put up by a man who is married or in a relationship, while he mulled over whether or not to proceed with "Operation Cheat."

Yes men do get scared/nervous, and of course an adult male who has an occupation should pay attention to it. And helping parents/family is certainly important. I'm not saying that someone seeming to divert energy from an interesting new dating situation is automatically a gameplayer or cheat. But as a general rule, if an emotionally healthy guy meets a lady and is seriously interested in seeing what could be developed, he will FIND the time to at least keep in touch.
I would go cautiously on this situation if I were you.
Cindy O
 BaldyisBeautiful
Joined: 3/28/2008
Msg: 47
Trying to figure this guy out...
Posted: 9/4/2008 9:09:00 AM

Hey, you called me high maintenance!

hmmm .... could have sworn I wrote something other then "high maintenance"! But it seems that's all that you read of my post.
 Mersey71
Joined: 6/1/2008
Msg: 48
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Trying to figure this guy out...
Posted: 9/4/2008 9:31:21 AM
I think you offer too much advice.
Quite frankly you used the word ASSUME alot in your response to Janie.
Maybe that should be a note to yourself that you do that TOO much. (assuming that is).

Secondly, I think that is very rude that you are talking to a woman on the phone who obviously does not know you do not like talking on the phone, trying to make conversation and get to know you and your making the talking hand gesture to your daughter.
Maybe you would be a better example to your daughter by instead of being two faced and judgemental in front of her, that you could of instead been honest to this woman and said, "I am sorry I am not really much of a phone person, could we talk another time".

You need sensitivity training and AA for your narcissistic attitude.
 BaldyisBeautiful
Joined: 3/28/2008
Msg: 50
Trying to figure this guy out...
Posted: 9/4/2008 9:40:56 AM

Quite frankly you used the word ASSUME alot in your response to Janie.

O, I see the problem here ... you ASSUMMED that I would care what you thought of me!

As far as being "two-faced" I let people know up front that I don't like talking on the phone, hence why I put in my statement:

I personally hate talking on the phone.

And, yes the girl I was talking too knows I don't like talking on the phone. H*ll everyone that knows me knows I don't like to talk on the phone cause I pretty much can't do two things at once being a "typical" guy!

and as for the

You need sensitivity training and AA for your narcissistic attitude.

why would I need alcoholics anonymous for a narcissistic attitude?

and finally ... lighten up! I apologized for my "assuming" comment earlier and admitted I can be a dumba$$ once in a while!
 Mersey71
Joined: 6/1/2008
Msg: 51
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Trying to figure this guy out...
Posted: 9/4/2008 9:43:25 AM
Janie,
Your lovely and I wish you the best.

Don't listen to baldly is beautiful, that is a rude thing to assume - you seem sensitive and very into this guy but you do not come across as high maintenance.
He does though. That baldly guy. (Not the guy your dating).

I think you should still back off a bit and hang out with the girls, go to yoga, do your own thing, you should not have to second guess and always wonder where someone stands with you. That is not a good feeling.
That Jimmy Buffet guy had a good response, and it doesn't matter how beautiful or smart you are, chemistry is chemistry and if you have it you have it, if you don't you don't and maybe on his behalf he is not really feeling it.

If you have discussed it and all is well, that is great.
I don't think he will amp up his pursuing you though, and it may not be the speed you like, either you will have to be patient or date a few guys and see how things unfold.

I would give it six months and see how you feel then.
Then you can decide, without him knowing, if it is going the way you like and he makes you feel special.
Sometimes people just do not know what they want, which is fine but it should not impact your personal life.
If not, move on.
You can still remain friendly.
 mthomjmark
Joined: 2/27/2008
Msg: 53
Trying to figure this guy out...
Posted: 9/5/2008 1:19:57 PM
You are not ready for online dating; you are the type that jumps into things extremely fast; on the internet you dont see the person as much as in real life so of course it should go very slow; slower than in real life.

You need to date someone around you and someone that will jump into it quickly.
 Xcen
Joined: 4/7/2005
Msg: 55
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Trying to figure this guy out...
Posted: 9/5/2008 9:30:46 PM
Amen, Friendly Free Spirit
Also, on the issue of "assuming". With most posts the related information is sketchy which leaves everyone that wants to comment in the position of making assumptions. Look at the answers,,,,,,,,,,they assume the guy isnt interested, he is a player, he is married, he just isnt into the OP, or that other respondents are drunks or narcissic, the list goes on. We all make assumptions based on the limited data presented which is colored by our personal experiences. From the last post of the OP Baldy apparently came very close to the real answer. I hope the OP keeps us posted on this drama. My take on the situation was ,,,,,,,,,,first the guy is an engineer and his behavior is somewhat typical in my experience , and secondly the OP was interested in rapidly getting to and passing GO and collecting 200 while the guy was just trying to avoid landing on Go to Jail.
 happyfree1959
Joined: 7/11/2007
Msg: 59
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Trying to figure this guy out...
Posted: 9/6/2008 2:55:05 AM
I would have to say I have been there you couldnt have said it better, meeting people in the real world, I wonder why why there is such a big difference. I have been where you were at more then once, rest assured its nothing you have done, it is a great possiblity he is married, god only knows, I have seen just about everything. When he was asked to spend time with you, and he didnt choose to, don't second guess that I have learned, that if their interested they will make a way. It makes it hard when you dont know someones history nor anyone who knows either. What a better way to get away with anything they choose to say, be or do. Dont spend alot of time because you will find that you waste more time trying to find Mr. Right, if you have a gut feeling trust me go with it.
 Franco007
Joined: 6/30/2008
Msg: 60
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Trying to figure this guy out...
Posted: 9/6/2008 3:15:21 AM
The dead giveaway is that he doesn't phone. In the age of caller ID and cell phone technology, this translates to you not being able to call at any time and catch him with another person. Remember you mentioned the fact that you didn't want spam mail here and you had friends here that would alert you to such.
"Wanting to go slow". means he is probably he is playing the field and the "remarkable chemistry" exists only on your side of the fence. Internet dating is like going to a singles' bar with cubicles that permit you to see very little of what is really happening except in your cubicle. Sad but true.
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