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Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > I think I now understand why you are divorced.      Home login  
Joined: 1/13/2008
Msg: 2
I think I now understand why you are divorced.Page 1 of 8    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)
Oh wow I just had this happen, but I felt his anger is cause he is divorced not the cause of his divorce. He will call up and start ranting and raving about something and at times I just let him go...others Ill just hang up on him. My daughter heard him screaming at me once and ran into my room to tell him off....yes he was that loud. I figured that he is in pain and it doesnt really hurt me and hopefully one day he will realize where he is in life is his own doing.

I also know that an individual like that doesnt just fade away...they have to much anger and aggression so if i just stay under the wire and eventually he will find someone else. I would never consider him for anything...Ill try to be his friend cause I think he has some really amazing qualities but he needs help.

Quess what I am poorly saying...if I come into someone life..i want to make it matter how they treat me ..there is never an excuse to be less than who you are..down the road when they think of you it is with a smile on their face and a warmth in their heart. Always take the high road.
Joined: 2/1/2005
Msg: 7
I think I now understand why you are divorced.
Posted: 9/4/2008 9:42:47 PM
You can't change anyone but yourself. If someone starts showing their "true colours", and you are unhappy with them - you let them know what is upsetting you, and if they don't stop the behaviour - you let go.
Joined: 12/13/2006
Msg: 8
I think I now understand why you are divorced.
Posted: 9/4/2008 10:02:45 PM
I do angry outbursts okay, if the anger is NOT directed at me. Snotty comments? I'd say *one time* "I won't accept that." Expect them to change? Best not -- waste of time.

Joined: 9/25/2006
Msg: 13
view profile
I think I now understand why you are divorced.
Posted: 9/5/2008 6:40:30 AM
OK...I'll be brave. I'll step into the hornets nest. I agree with what your saying but from my experience you can replace all the masculine nouns and pronouns in your example with feminine ones and come up with the same scenario. I assure you it's not gender specific.

No matter which side it's coming from I would say it's a good indication of future behavior and more then likely the best thing to do is cut and run if their behavior is unacceptable. Trying to change them is futile in most cases and only makes things worse. You can't teach an "old dog" or an "old *itch" new tricks. (That first missing letter would be a "W" in case you’re wondering.)
Joined: 7/22/2007
Msg: 17
I think I now understand why you are divorced.
Posted: 9/5/2008 8:21:02 AM
I have to say that I agree, if this is a cycle for you, it might be better to look at your choices in men, rather than wondering if they will change. What you describe is a pretty typical pattern for an abuser. Wonderful at first, sweeps you off your feet, then slowly the red flags start to pop up. Anyone that descends into the behavior you are describing has some serious issues No, don't count on them to change. Just my opinion, and experience. I don't do angry people.
Joined: 1/13/2008
Msg: 19
I think I now understand why you are divorced.
Posted: 9/5/2008 9:16:27 AM

it's usually all about pain. Lingering pain can cause all kinds of destruction and dysfunction. When I'm invested and I care, I don't cut and run unless there's some type of abuse going on. Reacting to triggers is not abusive, it's just pain/anger/fear that has yet to be resolved. Resolution is a hard process and it takes time.

If he seems to give a damn about what he's doing and wishes to change things, I'm in. If not, I'm out. I'll be slow to leave cause it's hard to turn my back on someone I care about that's suffering, and I might still offer support from a distance, but I'll have to go. I just cannot live in a stagnant way, allowing the past to keep repeating itself.

Thank you Funnygirl, that was exactly what I meant...the person is reacting to the pain in his life. I have met men who have been divorced YEARS who have no clue why they are divorced...yes they know they are...but they dont understand why the marriage didnt work..they THINK they did everything right, the way they were taught.

They worked extra hours for more money..but she was unhappy he wasnt went and went until finally nothing he did made her happy and that was all he needlesstosay, these men are angry and bitter, but moreso they are hurt. Women support each other, we can vent and let all this out...most men have NO ONE to talk to so when they meet another female and start to like her...all this old worry comes back...what if i give my heart to another girl and the same thing happens...and yes they may seem like a 7 year old but for some of these guys who were in 20 plus year marriages that crumpled...that is how they feel inside. The really sad part is alot of these women used sex as a weapon and so these men also have a bruised ego about sexually related things.
 Happily Ever...maybe
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 20
view profile
I think I now understand why you are divorced.
Posted: 9/5/2008 11:04:44 AM
People can only change when they want to change, and recognize in themselves the things they are doing wrong that need adjusting. Just like it takes two to make a marriage, it takes two to make a divorce, and I'll be the first to admit that I wasn't the perfect husband, nor was the divorce entirely her fault (wow, I feel like the guy from Shawshank Redemption, admitting he was the only one in the prison who was really But the thing is, I've tried to learn from those experiences, and carry those lessons forward with me if and when I get involved with someone else.

I'm not verbally abusive, as in the example cited by the OP, so that's not a worry for me, but if I start to slip into old patterns of negative behavior with a woman, chances are I'll recognize it long before she would, and will correct it before it becomes an issue. What's the point of having failed relationships behind you if you can't take anything positive away from the experience, even if its only a hard earned lesson in how not to treat him or her? I know I'm a much better man than I was when I was younger for all of that; isn't that the whole point of growing up, and being self-aware?
Joined: 8/7/2008
Msg: 22
I think I now understand why you are divorced.
Posted: 9/5/2008 11:32:29 AM
From a man's point of view then:
Husband comes home, flops down in easy chair, grabs remote, tells wife to get him a beer before it starts. Gulps down beer, and says, "Hey, get me another, before it starts", and she does, beginning to seethe. Once more, guy says, "I need another beer before it starts". Wife takes two steps toward fridge, turns on her heel, and lays into the guy for his demands, plus everything else she can think of over the course of their relationship. He looks up at her and says, "Forget it, too late, it's started."
Joined: 5/27/2008
Msg: 23
I think I now understand why you are divorced.
Posted: 9/5/2008 12:02:10 PM
Hmmm, have to disagree with you DD, on the reasons why women are divorced.
I was a relatively shy person when it came to intimate relationships, not inexperienced, but then again, not a lot of dating going on either (umm does 3 men in ten years count?) In any case, I fell for the first guy that seemed to really like me and wanted to stay with me. We were good friends, and for the first seven years, I would say things were pretty good. But then I began to notice that I had given up a lot of things that I enjoyed (dancing, music, theater) because they weren't his 'thing'. I also began to notice that his honesty in communication hid an almost brutal cruelty. I would get comments that would strip away my self esteem, and leave me feeling unsupported. He was selfish when it came to sex, it was over when he came, and he was unwilling/unable to accommodate my needs. These traits were there in the beginning of our relationship, but I was so desperate to have someone love me, I was blinding myself to them. It became worse when we moved out to CA and lost our established circle of friends.
Neither of us were drug addicts, mentally ill, had personality disorders or any other mental health issues. It ended for me with two incidents, I had always planned to have children, but we kept putting it off because it was never the 'right time' (his words). Finally, at age 36 I told him that I couldn't wait for him anymore, and he needed to make up his mind. He finally confessed to me that he had no desire to have children, had never wanted any. (Gee, I said, if that was the case, why didn't you get a vasectomy, then I would have known what I was getting in to) The other problem was that he told me he was no longer attracted to me because I was no longer the size 10 person I was when we were initally dating (well he was no longer the 28-inch waisted guy I met either). Well, we were together for 14 years, and were in a completely asexual relationship for the last 4 of those years.
We're still friends, and we still see each other socially, and in retrospect we perhaps would have been better off never having been involved romantically with each other.
So in this case, it was definitely a failure of two people to communicate what was important, and not due to a pathological mental issue, or a failure to 'give.' If anything, I think I 'gave' too much of myself away.
Now my life may not have a 'special someone' in it, but I have a much happier sex life (with a regular FWB lover), a circle of friends who share my interests, and an ability to enjoy those things which I foolishly gave up in the belief that one had to 'give' to receive.
Joined: 7/8/2008
Msg: 25
view profile
I think I now understand why you are divorced.
Posted: 9/5/2008 12:29:52 PM
I married a 2 times divorce man he was my first, what you have said are all true, it takes pain and hardship to let my late husband learned that I am caring ,loving,and committed to him. He was a caucasian and he become a Filipino by heart and learned the values of love and relationship. I mourned terribly his passing away 7 years now..
Joined: 12/30/2006
Msg: 29
view profile
I think I now understand why you are divorced.
Posted: 9/6/2008 6:09:42 AM

You meet a divorced guy. He`s awesome. You enjoy dating him and he tells you of his sad stories of previous marriages, divorces, the pain etc.
I don't enjoy dating anyone when it seems that he's trying to use me as a counsillor for his unresolved issues. I'm looking for a relationship, not a job; plus, I'm not qualified to serve in such a capacity, and even if I were, it's impossible (and bad practice) to even think that one could counsil objectively when you're trying to have a relationship with "the patient". That said; No, I haven't gotten to the point where I'd have experienced the
Little angry outbursts, little cutting or biting remarks, snotty comments, quirky habits or demands that are really difficult to
adjust to, selfishness, self centeredness all kinds of things.

While I fully recognize that such people do exist; I agree with several other posts here, that they are very easy to recognize quickly and I can generally do so even before meeting them face to face. (example: intolerant about the length of time it take to respond to email, failure to recognize that we all have "real lives" and aren't sitting here 24/7 just waiting to talk to them etc).

The biggest problem that I have personally, (which is equally as annoying) are the people who have responded to previous "bad relationships" by becoming door mats. They're MUCH harder to recognize, and much easier to confuse as just a "normal" person who's exceptionally agreeable and easy going. I think that often in the long run, these people are more difficult to deal with (in a relationship) simply because you CAN'T get an "argument" (discussion) with them. They're like one of those little bugs that when you touch rolls up into a ball!!!

They have "no preferences"...they make you decide EVERYTHING. They never disagree with you....therefore you're never challenged to elevate your thoughts and alter your opinions to consider factors that you'd never before thought about. They fail to see how lonely it is when you're having a "relationship" essentially....all by yourself, because they're so determined to avoid ALL "conflict" (generally because they've never learned that there are healthy and productive ways to deal with conflict) that "issues" are never really "resolved"....they're just ignored, swept under the rug until there's this mountain in the middle of the floor that everyone walks around, but nobody ever mentions...pretending that it isn't there....because it can't be talked about!!! LOL!

They annoy the hell out of you with a suffocating amount of attention, they're constantly going way overboard with compliments, gifts, flattery....and you find yourself wondering....will this relationship EVER get "real"? Can I ever just be a normal, fallable human being??? It becomes totally impossible to ever "give anything back"....because they're already upstaged you at every chronically overexaggerating their "appreciation". LOL! sometimes I find myself longing to find someone with the guts to call me a "B1tch"...when I'm really being one!!! (and I certainly can be). Whewwww, thank you! I needed that!!! LOL! (a bit of a reality check!)

In all seriousness however, what I've just described is the covert passive/aggressive behaviors of someone who has not been able to accept their own responsibility in a previously failed relationship.

Myself, having an assertive personality, I find it much easier to deal with the aggressive behaviors than I do the passive/aggressive ones, but I believe that most people have more difficulty with the passive/aggressive behaviors because they always look so innocent and so benign. I'm MUCH more "wary" of the "nice guys" than I am of the "jerks"...simply because at least you can stand up and TALK to a jerk (most of the time) about his behavior....but trying to talk to a "nice guy" about his extreme behavior just seems to fuel him (her) even further.
Joined: 7/7/2005
Msg: 31
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I think I now understand why you are divorced.
Posted: 9/6/2008 6:40:13 AM
When a date asked about things that led to my being back out here I replied "It's too easy to talk about all the things she did without acknowledging my own faults". We all have them and there are two sides to every story so take the stories with a grain of salt.

Sadly it seems these days that the #1 cause of divorce is marriage.
Joined: 1/18/2008
Msg: 33
view profile
I think I now understand why you are divorced.
Posted: 9/6/2008 8:02:20 AM
Like some have said, it's difficult at our ages to not have come across others affected by their past relationships. It is how they've dealt with the experiences that I look at.

I went out with someone who told me "my ex (wife) wishes I were dead, period".
Which struck me as odd at the time knowing that he previously told me that the ex-wife had admitted to him she had cheated on him with her co-worker for over 4 years straight. Which is what led to their divorce. He said, "but there's 2 sides to every story and I never did get her side of the story and I was there." He never asked her. While I don't ever condone cheating in any way, I wondered why he said she wished he were dead. He then proceeded to tell me that for the next 2.5 years he "dropped out and went back" to drugs and alcohol (at age 43), got arrested for selling cocaine in 2003 and spent 18 months in prison, ..........a lot to take in there. Said before his marriage he was a drug abuser and was married for 11.5 years and stayed "clean" and thought the world was his "oyster", but after the confession of his wife the above is what he chose to do, to deal with that.

He also stated that he used to be a "very unkind person" and still has bad thoughts that go through his mind but when that happens he tries to think of something else. But now, that he seems to have his life under control the ex doesn't let him see their teenage daughter.

I think he tries very hard to not be the person he used to be but a lot of it is still there lingering just under the surface. I only had his rendition to go by but I think I only heard bits and pieces of the entire scenario which he offered up, I didn't ask.
Joined: 1/13/2008
Msg: 35
I Think I Now Know Why I Prefer Freedom
Posted: 9/6/2008 12:54:05 PM

Does anyone wonder how to explain why so many of us were married or involved with Crazy People ?

Co-dependancy...the need to be needed cause you dont have the self esteem to accept just being wanted.

However, not every person is a lazy, drunk, druggie, cheating person when you first are involved with them. Some are unable to deal in the world as a grown up, the emotional building blocks arent stacked correctly and then life happens, and they give up on life...becoming lazy, or they turn to drugs or drinking to dull the pain in their life, some have different addictions ie sexual addictions but addictions are basically the same and if you find yourself involved with someone who typically has some sort of addiction issues need to look at if you might be co-dependant.

I do think at times women try to be to much, we try to be mother of the year, and employee of the year and then there is no time to be...wife of the year. I know in my past relationships I had a real issue with that. But then I was the primary wage earner so I felt I had to work hard to make sure my kids were taken care of. Now the kids are grown and the jobs have stabilized I think women are at a good time in their lives to give to relationships.
Joined: 6/19/2007
Msg: 38
view profile
Gosh, here's a news flash
Posted: 9/6/2008 9:19:28 PM
I have to say that this is fairly common,I call it the overlooking game.You like the person so you overlook the little things,they talk about the ex,they have rotten kids,the house is a mess or they can't keep a job (my boss is so unfair!) after a while the little things turn into big things.And of course a lot of us think that we can fix these little things,that after setting a good example the other person will see that and change for the better..NOT. If you can't talk and work things through and you probably won't,because they don't see that there is a problem,you have to walk away.You will save yourself a lot of grief.And I'm guilty of being both sides of this at one time or another,it's the willingness to see the problem and make a change in yourself that's hard.
Joined: 10/10/2007
Msg: 39
I'll never understand
Posted: 9/8/2008 1:14:19 PM
If I feel it's worth it, I mention it, but within the context of OUR relationship, not bringing up "This is prolly why you divorced."

Sometimes it's just a matter of saying, "Look, I don't like it when you say I'm stupid just because I disagree with you." Unfortunately, most people don't change quickly enough to "save" a relationship, although I DO think people can adjust over time (if they hear it enough times, it will sink in. Right? Please tell me I'm right!!).
Joined: 8/11/2007
Msg: 40
view profile
I think I now understand why you are divorced.
Posted: 9/8/2008 1:34:49 PM
Desert - if one talks about their former or ex spouses in a negative manner, it tells me they have a boat load of unfinished business and they aren't ready for a relationship. You can't fix nor can you change these types of people. Until they take a good look inside and work on their attitudes, they will drift from relationship to relationship.

If I'm with a man and his behavior is unacceptable (rude/obnoxious/poor anger management), I'll call him on the carpet. It's one thing to be frustrated about a situation, but I won't tolerate being someone's whipping post.
 Sky at sunset
Joined: 12/20/2006
Msg: 42
I think I now understand why you are divorced.
Posted: 9/8/2008 5:31:41 PM
Say Bye bye. Either he can't get over it - in which case you don't want to pay for someone else's sins. Or he isn't over it - in which case you shouldn't be with him yet if you have long term aspirations.
Joined: 4/11/2008
Msg: 45
I think I now understand why you are divorced.
Posted: 9/8/2008 7:16:25 PM

Over the years and years of frog kissing (dating) attempting relationships with others who have also been through a few, it seems to almost always take this same cycle.

My first thought is that "What is the common denominator?" If this is a cycle in my life then it would seem that the common denominator is ME.

You meet a divorced guy. He`s awesome. You enjoy dating him and he tells you of his
sad stories of previous marriages, divorces, the pain etc. You really have a big heart and feel the pain the "bad" ex or exes put him through. You wonder how such a great guy had such bad luck to end up with women who didn`t appreciate him. As you continue to see him, all of a sudden things start happening. Little angry outbursts, little cutting or biting remarks, snotty comments, quirky habits or demands that are really difficult to
adjust to, selfishness, self centeredness all kinds of things. They are so minor, you just kind of let them slide, and chalk it off as you being too sensitive and being paranoid.All of a sudden find yourself starting to think "Hey, this guy, I don`t think he would be all that wonderful to be with

Had this experience, though he wasn't really divorced after all. And it definitely deteriorated quick when I tried to talk about things. I walked away quickly as I saw clearly that this was a mistake. If a person hasn't dealt with their divorce/past relationship and are showing this behavior then more then likely they not only are unwilling to hear my input but will get very defensive and angry at anything I might try to point out, and this behavior definitely will continue to worsen.

I do not want to be hit by the schrapnel from someone else's relationship warzone. It's just not worth it to me. I gotta say that I am thankful that these redflags come up quicker rather then later.

Again though, if this is a cycle then what is the common denominator??? Not all men and women are like this. So if one continue's to get into these situations then they need to look at theirselves. JMO.
Joined: 4/11/2008
Msg: 48
I think I now understand why you are divorced.
Posted: 9/9/2008 2:14:55 PM

I am not an animal trainer.

Oh my goodness!! Deborah that was well said.

I am certainly not waiting for the perfect man, but I definitely do not want to settle for some ferrel cat that might scratch my eyes out!!

If someone hasn't dealt with their divorce/separation or whatever, and their pain and bitterness is causing damage to other's then they are not ready to date.
Joined: 7/27/2006
Msg: 49
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I think I now understand why you are divorced.
Posted: 9/10/2008 3:47:55 AM
This is for pretty moon.

When a widower talks about how wonderful his wife was and how much he loved her, often he's telling you that he is a man of deep feeling and capable of loving a woman completely. If he was married for many years, this is his only frame of reference. Everything in his life for those years involved her. Those are the only memories and experiences he has to talk about.

This is true, especially if he hasn't been widowed that long. Instead of taking the "I'm not going to compete with a ghost" attitude, try to see this as "here's a guy that I know knows how to love a woman. And if he loved her that much, he can love me the same way." However, if after a while he begins to compare you to in my late wife did it this way...or he tries to make you look like her...etc..then you need to straighten him out and let him know you're not going to be her clone.

But generally, widowers aren't looking for someone to be a clone of their late wives..but they do want the same kind of close, intimate, loving relationship with someone new. So, they may talk about how close their relationship was with their late partner. You can see this as a threat, or you can see this as a man telling you that he still has a lot of love to give. You need to understand that he will probably never stop loving his late wife. She'll always be a part of who he is. But that doesn't mean he can't love you as much as he did her. Love isn't finite, you don't have only so much to go around.

I'm certainly not trying to tell you how to think or act, but if I was a woman dating, and I had a choice between a guy who had a couple of failed marriages under his belt and a man who had lost his true love and was looking for someone else to love...I think I'd look at the guy with a successful track record.

By the way, I'm a widower of 2 1/2 years. I recently met someone who may be the "one" and for that reason I've hidden my profile.
Joined: 6/19/2007
Msg: 51
view profile
I think I now understand why you are divorced.
Posted: 9/12/2008 7:17:39 PM

You can't force someone to change.. only we can change ourselves..

Well said and oh so true,we all need to take a step back also and realize that it's very rare that all the blame can be put on one person,it takes 2 to get married and usually take 2 to get to the divorce stage.
Joined: 5/31/2007
Msg: 53
view profile
I think I now understand why you are divorced.
Posted: 9/12/2008 9:18:11 PM
thats why u date to find out about the person i believe he knows what hes doing so talking to him isnt going to change him maybe for a day or 2 but thats all
Joined: 12/25/2007
Msg: 55
I think I now understand why you are divorced.
Posted: 9/13/2008 2:07:05 PM
I agree with all of you.
You can not change anyone but your self, and, I always find that hard to do.
It is hard and it can be painful, but, you have to leave rather than put up with bad behavior or abusive behavior-it will get worse-and the sad part is-you may try to change or bend your own behavior to make things work-do not do that. Move on, and move towards a healthy positive relationship.
Joined: 12/25/2007
Msg: 56
I think I now understand why you are divorced.
Posted: 9/13/2008 2:10:04 PM
Thanks for the good insight. I would love to meet a man like you-one who loved with positive results and is ready to love once again.
Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > I think I now understand why you are divorced.