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Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > Are healthy living issues a deal breaker?      Home login  
Joined: 5/14/2008
Msg: 2
Are healthy living issues a deal breaker?Page 1 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
Well, I wouldn't consider myself a pill popping lounge lizard, by any means, but I do have health problems that have come on this past year that have caused a huge change in my lifestyle. I am much more physically limited right now, although hopefully it will improve, and I do have to take cardiac/blood pressure related medications that are due to an autoimmune illness that has nothing to do with living a poor lifestyle. You can't automatically say that if someone has health issues, it's due to not taking good care of themselves. You can be in great health and suddenly be struck with an illness out of the blue, as I was.

I do think that people who are more compatible in their diets and physical activities would probably have a better chance of having a successful relationship than one who is a health nut and one who is a junk food couch potato. Compromise is the answer, as far as I'm concerned. If you are both willing to give a little and try and meet the other somewhere in the middle, then you can work things out.
Joined: 8/4/2007
Msg: 4
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Are healthy living issues a deal breaker?
Posted: 9/5/2008 5:37:07 AM
Hmmm...I smoke, a pack a day. Yesterday for lunch I had chocolate cake. If I want a steak tonight - by God I'm going to have it. ANY of us could drop dead tomorrow. I've got a couple of minor but pesky health issues, and when I feel myself getting "off balance" - I am more careful about what I do, to try and feel better. The doctors are constantly amazed by my "perfect" test results, cholesterol, lung capacity, etc. I walk to work every day, and to the store, etc. I do it because it helps me feel good, not to ward off illness - if you are going to get sick, you are. Personally, I think this "health craze" stuff is crap...I think it points to a fear of death that somehow, as we've gotten more "civilized" and the actuality of death is more a vague concept, has gotten completely out of control. We are all going to die. I choose to live and enjoy the things I want to while I'm alive. I have no interest in someone who is going to look at my chocolate cake lunch and start in...went down the road a while with a non-smoker who was on my case thanks!!!
Joined: 3/11/2007
Msg: 5
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Are healthy living issues a deal breaker?
Posted: 9/5/2008 6:34:10 AM

I have a junk food partee

Pick me, pick me next time you do one a those Miss Phoebes! lmao

I am on meds for high blood pressure. It runs in the family. However, I think that there is an activity that could help me to control it. Cept it is an activity that needs two people to do!
Joined: 8/30/2005
Msg: 6
Are healthy living issues a deal breaker?
Posted: 9/5/2008 6:50:33 AM
I quit drinking five years ago, quit smoking in January, so I am looking for a non drinker non smoker. I have always struggled with my weight so my ideal match would be able to empathize or at least have compassion for that struggle. I know I don't need someone watching what I eat unless we were in the battle together.

Other than that, I am fairly healthy, though I realize we never know what is lurking.

Still I ask someone I begin to develop an interest in, what kind of health problems they have,what kind of medications they are on, etc. I want to know if he is looking to lead an active life for the foreseeable future or what his limitations might be. I have never eliminated someone because of the answers to these questions but then I am not done dating; yet.
Joined: 9/25/2006
Msg: 7
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Are healthy living issues a deal breaker?
Posted: 9/5/2008 7:10:25 AM
I think healthy vs. non-healthy living issues could be a deal breaker. It depends on the couple’s ability to comprise and how strong other areas of the relationship are. Personally I wouldn't have any problems with a vegan as long as she didn't try to make me subsist on tofu and bean sprouts and didn't get mad at me sitting across from her eating my medium rare fillet or rib eye. I'd even be more then happy to whip up some soy burgers to throw on the grill right next to my normal ones.

By the same token if she REALLY was a junk/food junky couch potato who wanted to do nothing but sit in front of the TV with the remote downing chips and Pepsi instead of getting off her butt and doing something it probably wouldn't work out. Hey...Isn't what I just wrote the way ladies describe most men?
Joined: 5/10/2008
Msg: 9
Are healthy living issues a deal breaker?
Posted: 9/5/2008 9:29:17 AM
some people go for similar people, and habits. Some go for opposites.
hobbies might be a good opposite to go for because it introduces you to new things, but having someone special that is into antiquing as you might be is pretty special.
food habits....... my ex went on a rampage when we were married...., from dead animals on my plate to some kind of bean sprout thing..... I tried it...., got up from my chair, and got the steak sauce, and poured it on it...... and chewed vigorously...., and pronounced... UUUHHHHMMMMMM good. kids laughed like hell... ex got pissed.
small changes might have gone over better. I make my own diet changes over time , you have to. due to health reasons, or just pure taste reasons. I exercise regularly. Diet has always been my sore spot. but I have learned little changes make a big difference.
so compromise would work for me... as long as there isnt any drastic changes.

Joined: 8/26/2008
Msg: 11
Are healthy living issues a deal breaker?
Posted: 9/5/2008 9:50:09 AM
Moderation in all things is my ideal lifestyle. Eat well most of the time, exercise regularly but live a little. If you can never have butter sauce or chocolate cake and spend six figures on supplements, powders and potions? No thanks. If eating out is an exercise in patience while the waiter listens to you rattle off exactly what can't touch your plate? No thanks. If we can't have dinner with my family because my sister cooks to please my 88 year old dad who loves his gravy? No thanks.

If we can meet somewhere in the middle, remember to be flexible and encourage each other to make healthy choices 90% of the time? Yes please.
Joined: 1/13/2008
Msg: 13
Are healthy living issues a deal breaker?
Posted: 9/5/2008 10:57:13 AM
It would only be a "deal breaker" if it became one during the get-to-know-you stage.
I have no idea at this point, because I am not in that situation!
It's not on my list of deal breakers from the get-go, that I can say.
Not much is on that list. Aside from really nasty people.

Joined: 12/2/2006
Msg: 15
Are healthy living issues a deal breaker?
Posted: 9/5/2008 11:16:35 AM
Compatibility is KEY. As some have mentioned, they can live with a smoking, boozing, carnivorous mate, and some wouldn't be able to. It boils down to whether or not YOU can live with it.

I don't drink. I don't care if my guy does.
I don't smoke. I won't put up with that stink.
Eat whatever you want. I'll put my tofu up against your steak any ole day. lol

But if our lifestyles clash, then why bother? I would hope to share my life and time with someone that compliments me, and vice versa....

Work with what you can... but don't "accept" things that will only bring resentments down the road....
Joined: 5/27/2008
Msg: 16
Are healthy living issues a deal breaker?
Posted: 9/5/2008 11:30:43 AM
It would depend on how the other person handled my personal preferences as to food and exercise, etc.
If that person treated my personal preferences critically, that is, they criticized my decisions with comments like "You really shouldn't eat meat, it's unethical how they treat animals." Or "white flour will kill you." That would send me running for the hills, because it's no longer your lifestyle choice; it's now an issue of control, or ethical failure or moral lapse. The person with the healthy lifestyle now has the moral high ground. "You got sick because you eat so unhealthy." Hey, maybe I got sick for some other reason, like genetics, environmental toxins, random chance?
Generally, the more you have in common in terms of lifestyle choices, the fewer areas for friction in the everyday banalities of life. In the scenario you described, the ultra-restrictive diet (raw, gluten-free, no sugars), versus the 'couch potato' would probably not last. Every meal would have to be a careful negotiation of what can and can not be enjoyed. That's too much work.
It's different if someone has a medical condition which necessitates the food restriction (like gluten allergies [celiac disease] or diabetes), or restrictions for religious issues, but a lifestyle choice is tricky thing. People are much more emotionally invested in them.
As for me, smoking is a definite no-no, not only because of the smell, and because I am allergic to cigarette smoke but because it has no health benefits whatsoever, none, nada, zip. Now, compare that to the dubious nutritional benefit from a bag of nacho cheese Doritos and you have no contest. I have vegitarian friends, and when they come to dinner I accommodate them as best I can. But that doesn't mean I can't have my steak and eat it too....
Joined: 6/7/2008
Msg: 17
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Are healthy living issues a deal breaker?
Posted: 9/5/2008 12:28:03 PM
I think it depends on the two people involved and how rigid they are in their habits and how much they are willing to compromise. I run 3-5 miles nearly everyday, no chemical products in my house, no medications, rarely even Tylenol and eat a very healthy diet, steamed veggies, fresh whole foods, etc.. That didn't stop me from having Burger King last night (boy do I love french fries) or occassionally indulging my love for ice cream, cheesecake, chocolate, wings or ribs and I'll skip my run if I just don't feel like it. If another person was rigid in either direction or trying to force their lifestyle on me, that might cause a problem. The hardest for me would probably be a vegetarian if they didn't accept the fact that I am not. Some of my friends tend to be a bit preachy about it. I would also have difficulty with someone who was at the extreme, as OP describes, in not taking care of themselves. That just comes down to a lack of self respect, not something I would find attractive anyway.

It would also depend on if you were living together or not. When you live apart, the majority of your lifestyle choices are still your own. When you live together so much of what each of you does affects the other. It's certainly easier when both of you are supporting each other in your choices instead of always butting heads about what's for dinner, smoking in the house, products used and activities in general.
Joined: 8/24/2008
Msg: 18
Are healthy living issues a deal breaker?
Posted: 9/6/2008 7:20:15 AM

Some women will say: He eats liver... can't date him.
Some women will say: He won't eat liver... can't date him.
Some women will say: I don't care if you eat liver or not.

And then, of course....there is the fourth group..........

Some will say: I'll eat your liver with a nice Chianti and some faver beans.......

Add salt to taste..........
Joined: 6/7/2008
Msg: 19
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Are healthy living issues a deal breaker?
Posted: 9/6/2008 7:33:55 AM

What if one loves heavy metal and the other Mozart?


One gets up at 5:00 a.m. to run 5 miles whereas the other is sleeping off last night's 5 martinis after staggering into bed at 3:00 a.m.

Be quiet! And change in the bathroom!
Joined: 7/28/2008
Msg: 20
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healthy living issues - deal breaker- YOU BET
Posted: 9/6/2008 11:45:47 AM
" .... could you get in a realtionship with a food junkie, couch potato, drinking, smoking, not in shape, taking a ton of meds?"

You are wise to consider this. NO WAY. these differences dont attract!

My favorite date in these past 2 yrs was a teacher with a masters in chemical engineering. SMART fellow. very sweet to me and fun. BUT he has hypertention, diabeties, neuropathy, peripheral vascular disease, and of course OBESITY. I was crazy about him but he said he could not change his eating. He was in danger of losing limbs, going blind, depression, and more.
Joined: 8/7/2008
Msg: 22
Are healthy living issues a deal breaker?
Posted: 9/6/2008 12:51:25 PM

I have no idea at this point, because I am not in that situation!
It's not on my list of deal breakers from the get-go, that I can say.
Not much is on that list. Aside from really nasty people.

Breath, our lists are identical. As I read through these forum pages, there are way too many red flags and warning buzzers, and the consensus "good" things take up about one line. Please don't tell me that I need to add "Diet" to my deal-breakers, or be worried that it is on anyone else's.

OP-I don't think different diets would be a problem, much less a dealbreaker, at least not for me.
Joined: 8/23/2008
Msg: 26
Are healthy living issues a deal breaker?
Posted: 9/9/2008 5:08:28 PM
In a word....yes. If a person is a health fanatic, we have nothing in common. Nothing to build on. The will not even be a contact. I love life and I am going out with a smile on my face. Vitamins and veggies be damned
Joined: 3/13/2007
Msg: 27
Are healthy living issues a deal breaker?
Posted: 9/9/2008 7:37:00 PM
How can I say this so that everyone will understand? How about N O.
Joined: 12/13/2006
Msg: 29
Are healthy living issues a deal breaker?
Posted: 9/10/2008 1:52:22 PM
My guess is that most of the time the battle lines aren't so clearly drawn. Total couch potatoes and vegans are not a huge percentage of the population, lol! I do remember a weekend thirty years ago with some born-again vegans, which I came out of thinking they were the most boring peeps I'd *ever* met.

That said, I have a couple of health issues, and my love has a few more. His are new to me, and I've done a fair amount of googling trying to get a handle on them. Have made a few suggestions, and sent a few links on current research. The thing is, he's been actually grateful that I'm willing to step into his world, and has been willing on his own to make some changes. I doubt that he'd feel the same if he was feeling judgmentalism coming at him, nor would I. As it is, it's working. I'm practicing cooking in a way that he can get most of the things he loves in a less lethal form, and he's appreciative. And I appreciate the appreciation, lol!

But all of this is based on the fact, that in almost all ways, our interests, our histories, our personalities, our intellects, our desires for a certain kind of future together, we are *beyond* even very good match. And we both understand that.

Joined: 9/23/2007
Msg: 30
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Are healthy living issues a deal breaker?
Posted: 9/10/2008 2:08:57 PM
For those of us older than age 45, lifestyle-related issues become compounded from years of practicing the lifestyle you have chosen. And with men having a shorter life-span in general, this becomes even more of an issue if the two people are looking for a long-term relationship. Furthermore, a relationship that involves committment or marriage implies "in sickness and in health." So if the committment is carried through until the end, one person could end up being a caretaker and nurse as well as a partner.

This is a conundrum for me. I already am a caretaker of two disabled people, and have taken care of two family members who were on hospice. (It would be hypocritical of me to be biased toward only dating people in perfect good health.) I know what it is like to care for someone at the end of life. This is both good and bad. The good is I have experience, and it has been an honor and a priviledge to be able to be present and help two people I respected and admired at that time in their lives.

But none of these illnesses were caused by preventable lifestyle habits. My Grandmother was a person who excercised way before it was popular, watched her weight, ate healthy (was a vegetarian for some years, and grew a lot of food in her own garden,) and never smoked or drank. She lived to be 97. I live a similar lifestyle and expect to possibly live that long. So there is a distinct possibility that I will outlive any man I meet who is close to my age.

I hope to find someone with a compatible lifestyle, who has spent their life not smoking or drinking, watching their weight, and eating healthy. However, in this culture that is not the norm.

I have not been perfect, or perfectly healthy, over the years myself. After being thin my whole life, at 29, I gained some weight during my daughter's illness from staying in hospital rooms for a year with her. (I think flourescent lights and hospital food are a major cause of weight gain.) I sometimes wish, when I have a cold or the flu, that someone would come around and bring me chicken soup (rice noodles, please.) But that hasn't happened. I want to be able to be cared-for sometimes, too!

To me, living life to the fullest, doesn't include smoking, drinking and never getting out in nature to move around. I like feeling the way I do without being tied to those habits. I am not attracted to an expensive pack of cigarettes. I am not longing for a beer. I don't pine for the couch. I like fresh air and sunshine. That is my idea of the good life--and it feels good! I hope that if I get involved with someone who does these things in moderation, that I can encourage them to find their over-45 nirvana in other ways than increasing the amount of time spent on these habits.

So, being realistic, I know most people have at least some bad habits. Moderation is fine with me. But I would feel let down if someone felt that after developing a committment with me, that they could simply not take care of themselves at all anymore, and I would take care of whatever problems came up. Besides, I am really bad at coaxing an adult man into going to the Doctor when they don't want to go. Its a lot of work, and the man ends up resenting being coaxed, even if it is well-meaning and in their best interest.

If you really love someone, you want them to be healthy, happy and around as long as you are. Taking good care of yourself shows respect for your significant other's feelings and lifestyle. Even though you never know how long you have, you can live life as if you intend to be there for the one you love.
Joined: 3/13/2008
Msg: 31
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Are healthy living issues a deal breaker?
Posted: 9/10/2008 3:31:00 PM

My question is, could you get in a realtionship with a person that was basically a junk food junkie, couch potato, drinking alot, smoking, not in good shape, who is already taking a ton of lifestyle related meds?

Probably not. What would we have in common? I don't want to practice my CPR on them. I'm not strict but if they are that far removed from my own habits, I'd probably find them boring and would have a hard time finding something to do with them.
Joined: 9/6/2006
Msg: 34
Are healthy living issues a deal breaker?
Posted: 9/11/2008 1:31:06 PM
I am not a fitness nut. Nor am I sprout eating sugar and gluten free person . I do eat healthfully including meat fish and chicken. I exercise regularly and watch my intake of alcohol. I believe in " every thing in moderation including moderation ." I would want to be with someone with a similar lifestyle and would quickly lose interest in a man who was an overweight junk food eating couch potato. Similarly I would not remain interested in a fellow who was strictly vegetarian or vegan and worked out incessantly. I would not get to the point of caring for a man with these lifestyle behaviors. That is what dating is for. To see if there is similar interests and lifestyles that is usually sorted out after the first or second date. I am sure he will be someone else's Mr Wonderful. Call that fussy if you want. I call it compatible.
Joined: 3/13/2005
Msg: 35
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Are healthy living issues a deal breaker?
Posted: 9/11/2008 1:41:01 PM
If the attraction is good and the sex great, most can overlook things for a short period of time, but......and this is a huge but.........your lifestyle and beliefs will in the end, dominate the situation, to the point of making that relationship doomed from the start.

One can change for another, and for themselves, but overall, most will continue with the way they have been, until some life changing situation happens to either convince or force them to change.

This can be a person, health, disease, death of a family member, etc., but if powerful and convincing enough, some will change for the better, and some for the worse.

Just my opinion.......
Joined: 5/4/2009
Msg: 37
Are healthy living issues a deal breaker?
Posted: 12/2/2009 6:34:49 PM
For this sprout-eating tree lover, yes. Absolutely yes: healthful living incompatibilities continue to be a deal-breaker.
Joined: 6/25/2008
Msg: 38
Are healthy living issues a deal breaker?
Posted: 12/2/2009 6:46:01 PM
After dealing with joint pain that almost left me crippled.....just changing what I was eating did the magic........I am healthy healthy healthy. At first it was hard to eat decent now its easy...just can't eat out much.
For myself no it wouldn't be a deal breaker. My diet is what it has to be. I feel better but what others eat is none of my business its theirs....might be making two of everything but hopefully they can cook...
 pitbull pete
Joined: 9/4/2009
Msg: 39
Are healthy living issues a deal breaker?
Posted: 12/2/2009 7:02:22 PM

But not everyone has this attitude. My question is, could you get in a relationship with a person that was basically a junk food junkie, couch potato, drinking alot, smoking,
not in good shape, who is already taking a ton of lifestyle related meds? I mean healthy lifestyles and the ability to have a good heart and be a good partner, don`t have a lot to do with one another. But it does seem like it gets a bit important when you have two people that are so different in their thinking about aging.

No, I could not.
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