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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > When Is A Mistake Unforgivable?      Home login  
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 NFPexec
Joined: 12/7/2006
Msg: 1
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When Is A Mistake Unforgivable?Page 1 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
I met a man on this site and much to my surprise we hit it off. I wasn't overly optimistic but I agreed to mete him and even more shocking, I found myself seeing him once or twice a week for the last month and a half. Everything seemed to be going well, although I kept a certain distance because I wasn't completely sure this could or would work out. However in spite of my reservations, I found myself liking him more & more and looking forward to our times together. Our last lunch date was canceled because he had a medical emergency and then I didn't hear from him last weekend. I began to worry if this was all a fantasy and had I opened myself up to someone who wasn't what he portrayed himself to be. I began to imagine all kinds of wild scenarios but when I finally reached him, he gave me a logical reason why he was out of touch. All seemed back on track and we planned to go out this weekend. Then for some inexplicable reason, I sent him an email late that night before going to bed. I didn't think much about it but the next morning I got an angry response from him about the "tone & content" which I realized seemed harsh. I came across in a hypercritical way and any small flaws he had were listed and blown out of proportion. He was VERY angry. At first I was shocked at the anger but upon reflection, I saw that I had been out of line criticizing all these things I had been concerned about and in the light of day, they were not that big a deal. I could have addressed these issues face to face, one at a time instead of an avalanche of complaints. When I saw the error of my ways, I apologized via email, voice mail and no response. I continued to apologize for the next two days and still no response. I understand he has an ego, and he is upset and he is a policeman, but when does a mistake become unforgivable? How can he go from "really liking me" to completely ignoring me based on this ONE mistake? I've owned up to the fact that I made a mistake and I am truly deeply sorry but I can’t undo what’s been done. Isn't it unreasonable to write someone off that easily after spending great fun quality time together and denying us the chance to see where this all might lead? If he really cared as much as he said, wouldn’t he at least talk to me and see if we could salvage this very new relationship?
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 2
When Is A Mistake Unforgivable?
Posted: 9/6/2008 8:03:56 PM
~OP~ One should never write an email with a list of complaints and/or critisisms. This venue is difficult even when things are going very well. It's very difficult to "read between the lines" when it's in black and white in front of your nose. Maybe it wasn't just "a mistake" in his eyes and maybe it wasn't even ego. Maybe he views you as a woman who would forever be inviting drama and a sense of anger into a newly forming relationship? It's really hard to tell, but it reads like you probably should have just let it go. A few dates does not really warrant complaints in the first place. If you had concerns, it would have probably been best left until you were in the same room to discuss those complaints/concerns so there was no mistaking the content, context, body language, tone, etc. I have known a couple of people who just couldn't put anything on hold ~ they were "right now" sort of people. Needless to say ~ they aren't in my life today. I don't know what you "listed" in that email, but I think it was enough to drive him away never to be heard from again. I suppose we live and learn through these types of situations. Better luck to you in the future. JMO
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 3
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When Is A Mistake Unforgivable?
Posted: 9/6/2008 8:45:10 PM
You are passive aggressive, pushing him away because you don't trust that things will be okay, with insecurity apparently prompting you to attack and malign, beating him to the punch so to speak, and he is, well, we don't know. Because we don't know what the plausible reason for the incommunicado period was, or the faults that you brought to his attention, whether the "attack" was really that big a deal or whether he was guilty of everything of which he was accused and avoided accountability by pointing the finger at you.

One thing I can assure you, is if you make up with this man you had better strap in because without professional help, you will be on an emotional roller coaster until the relationship implodes.
 transcend
Joined: 1/13/2007
Msg: 4
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When Is A Mistake Unforgivable?
Posted: 9/6/2008 8:54:59 PM
When the check bounces, the results are positive, the DNA says it isnt your baby and your next door neighbor asks when you are working third shift again.. somewhere in all of the fun we make for ourselves by tolerating abuse lies your answer...
 fishermanIV
Joined: 12/13/2007
Msg: 5
When Is A Mistake Unforgivable?
Posted: 9/6/2008 9:00:08 PM
Hey NFPEXEC,
Well I understand what you are saying but not to take a call and speak to you shows
he is not a communicator. However ,when is a mistake Unforgiveable is a different thing. Such as is cheating or saying something something like "I found your replacement". You want ot blow a friendship or a new realationship apart an or
wait and see what happens you will see. I think if we acted like real adults and
are children will learn and be better adults. So, now you have learned to be a communicator in a different way maybe he will forgive you if he really likes you and will open up an commuincate. Either way good luck.
FishermanIV
 Alex.Brown
Joined: 4/2/2008
Msg: 6
When Is A Mistake Unforgivable?
Posted: 9/6/2008 9:16:28 PM
I find it amazing the number of replies that take one example of a scenario gone wrong and decide you need therapy. And focusing on the fact that you mentioned he was a policeman and making something out of that is just weird but whatever. It sounds to me like you've been hurt a lot in the past- so have we all, especially if we're a little older and have had more time to accumlate more experiences. I don't really agree with a lot of the less emotional replies but I do see their point and I also tend to see the point of those who said they'd be angry at criticism but on the other hand, we can't all go running for the hills at the first sign of trouble or we'll never form a relationship with anyone. The truth is, it takes a person with higher people skills and above average patience (many of which I don't often have either) to bother to sort through why you lashed out at them. I didn't think you did anything that horrible- if you had a good reason for feeling angry-but if you did it again pretty quickly, I'd probably think we didn't have the right chemistry or same perspectives and I'd give up too... Unfortunately, so many of us are just waiting (probably like you were) for that first real mistake. I'm guessing that you were very upset by the fact that he didn't fill you on in why he suddenly disappeared off the face of the planet after establishing a connection that seemed pretty reliable and that the explanation he gave that was supposedly perfectly logical didn't really explain why he didn't try a little harder to simply make a quick call or send a text to say "don't worry but something's come up". I'm afraid that if he was really more into you, he probably would have done that but at that point, maybe enough time hadn't passed for him to feel that way. You shouldn't have to be afraid to say when you are unhappy with behavior but you do have to pick your battles and - as many out there pointed out- in person. The flip side of trying to be a little more patient next time is to be too patient and put up with inconsiderate behavior. Since the rest of us don't know the real details, only you can decide what was what. Try to feel better, forgive yourself, and yes, move on. Good luck in your next search!
 NFPexec
Joined: 12/7/2006
Msg: 7
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When Is A Mistake Unforgivable?
Posted: 9/6/2008 9:37:44 PM
No he wasn't losing interest!! In fact we were discussing (his suggestion) going away for a brief trip to relax from our jobs. He was making all kinds of plans for our future and wasn't the least bit tired of the relationship.
 NFPexec
Joined: 12/7/2006
Msg: 8
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When Is A Mistake Unforgivable?
Posted: 9/6/2008 9:45:55 PM
Let me clear up once and for all why the issue of being a cop has some impact. He has a very straight forward way of seeing things in life and i understand in his line of work that things are black & white with few shades of gray (one of the issues that bothered me but weren't listed in the email). I felt he could be a bit inflexible at times and wasn't willing to stray from his preconceived notions. I know he sees lots of things that i never have, but i tend to be a bit more open minded and willing to air things out. He's not someone who seemed particularly reflective, he had views on what makes a man a man and i know that the police force is not that fond of therapy. I'm sure its something he would never consider. His training and experience had a big impact on the way he saw and dealt with things even in his personal life. If all who asked why being a cop is an issue, read some blogs from the wives of cops. Its a lifestyle not a job and he never turned it off, which could be destructive in personal relationships. But above and beyond that, the email was wrong and I dont have a logical reason why I decided to send it. I only know I deeply regret it and no one here can imagine how much this man catered to my every need and tried to make me happy, even in six weeks!
 NFPexec
Joined: 12/7/2006
Msg: 9
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When Is A Mistake Unforgivable?
Posted: 9/6/2008 9:47:57 PM
Well since you don't know me, you don't know what kind of person I am and the comments I made were things that had been bothering me and would have come up at some point. I just shouldn't have put it all in one email late at night when I wasn't thinking clearly about the ramifications!
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 10
When Is A Mistake Unforgivable?
Posted: 9/6/2008 10:14:16 PM

I only know I deeply regret it and no one here can imagine how much this man catered to my every need and tried to make me happy, even in six weeks!

Wow ~ then why the critique? Most of us wait for a nice man with a little on the ball, a sense of humor, hopefully not living in a homeless shelter and maybe even having a little free time to spend with us. You complain to and about a man who not only has a good job (career), but catered to your every need? Good grief. Now I can see his side even more clearly than I suspected early on in this thread. I do wonder what his posts to this matter would detail. Probably best we don't know that much more. Sorry OP, my sympathy-meter just hit negative-nil. Good luck to you.
 SweetnSassyNatureLover
Joined: 4/11/2008
Msg: 11
When Is A Mistake Unforgivable?
Posted: 9/6/2008 11:03:12 PM

I've owned up to the fact that I made a mistake and I am truly deeply sorry but I can’t undo what’s been done. Isn't it unreasonable to write someone off that easily after spending great fun quality time together and denying us the chance to see where this all might lead?


NFP, you denied yourselves the chance LONG before he ever had a chance to. Your choice to send him an email critiquing him was tacky, uncalled for, and as you said hypercritical. The way you think and act doomed this situation way before the mistake was made with the email.



If he really cared as much as he said, wouldn’t he at least talk to me and see if we could salvage this very new relationship?

If you cared near as much as you think or claim to, that email never woulda left the "draft" stage. If you cared near enough, you woulda talked to him face to face and not via email with your hypercritical avalanche.

Chances are he's forgiven it already, and has moved on. Maybe you should do the same by moving on. And working on your issues. If someone's seeking forgiveness for something so early in a relationship, that ain't healthy by any means.


Not sure what more to add to this. I am not really sure that the OP is so awful as to not be able to ask forgiveness. A new relationship has ups and downs as you get to know each other and atleast she asked for forgiveness and tried to take the time to explain. If he can't bother to take time to reply then his loss and she should move on.

It's really kind of hard though, not knowing the full story (both sides) to really judge not that anyone has the right to judge. Oh well. Good luck op.
 Rythmn
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 12
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When Is A Mistake Unforgivable?
Posted: 9/8/2008 1:20:02 AM
when harm is rendered and when wrong intentions are the propellant.. ... when the mistake stems from another's narcissism. ....when the recipient of the harm, is unable to "let go"..... to forgive, allows the forgiver to continue to go forward. it does not mean to resume with the one forgiven.
 duckling
Joined: 2/28/2006
Msg: 13
When Is A Mistake Unforgivable?
Posted: 9/8/2008 6:45:20 AM
I agree with Frau. For people that are on here looking for a serious long-term relationship, the feeling that someone is controlling, lacking trust or prone to ridicule is usually cause to discontinue dating. I don't think I have BPD or NPD, but maybe Little Booker is right! I'm not sure if everyone feels that way, but for me it was true in all my dating experience. I think that the internet has in fact made this worse. The fact that "an angry moment" can now result in a message being sent, is compelled by the fact that the only emotion in an e-mail is that which we choose to interpret and read into a message is problematic. I think that you may have ended this relationship (at least as you knew it). Take a lesson from it, and wait to calmly discuss the matter next time.
 transcend
Joined: 1/13/2007
Msg: 14
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When Is A Mistake Unforgivable?
Posted: 9/8/2008 8:37:13 AM
many thanks to all fellow forum freaks that call out some OP's on other posts they have made that might add important depth to the issue at hand.
Its fun to get to know people from what they share and while the motives that drive some to start a thread might not flourish under intense scrutiny , the vehicle is appreciated as a catalyst for thought and discussion.
 SweetnSassyNatureLover
Joined: 4/11/2008
Msg: 15
When Is A Mistake Unforgivable?
Posted: 9/8/2008 2:01:15 PM

Once one party shuts down communication...walk away from them and dont enable it because otherwise you're gonna have to play psychic detective everytime there's a fricken problem instead of discussing things like adults and learning about each other as people (which is what dating is supposed to be about)
Its the damn backbone to a relationship. You dont wanna have to solve every problem that arises because the other person wants to play passive aggressive.

Im not saying you havent created an issue with what you've done and how...but keep this in mind...
Warning Signs of an Abusive Personality
* Controlling Behaviour (using the silent treatment to get a point across is one of them)
* Quick Involvement
* Unrealistic Expectations (...are you supposed to magically figure out if he wants to continue the relationship or end it?)
* Isolation (eventually from everyone...but mostly him when you'd need to be sorting things out)


Kyn along with everything else you wrote this is great insight.


So new in the relationship and already this is happening is a clear sign to me to step back and evaluate things more. The game playing vs. real communication is a redflag to deeper issues. Good luck op.
 GoneSailinBabe
Joined: 7/6/2008
Msg: 16
When Is A Mistake Unforgivable?
Posted: 9/8/2008 3:34:53 PM
Listen, I think what you did is unwittingly criticized a man who either had been criticized in his past - and wasn't willing to go back there again. Or made the mistake of unfairly judging and finding guilty a man who prides himself HEAVILY on himself.

Either way you may have screwed the pooch and there's nothing you can do.

You could apologize for what you did wrong and try to make amends, but in such a new relationship? My guess, is he won't forgive it and he'll run before he gets in any further.

Can't blame a guy for that.

And then you just have to shrug, and hope you never do it again.

But the key here is to re-examine what you CAN control and that's you.

From what you say - you're making some really rash and rapid judegements about relationships early in the game. Why are you doing that? Why are you behaving this way? What in you needs to be examined and changed?
 betterlate
Joined: 12/22/2006
Msg: 17
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When Is A Mistake Unforgivable?
Posted: 9/8/2008 7:52:34 PM
being a police man is a very stressful job, they deal with azzholes all day long. Then he meets this woman that he likes and things are going well, then one night she writes him an email telling him what is wrong with him, that would be enough for me to tell the person to drop freakin dead. Unless you are perfect and we know that nobody is perfect, you have no business taking anyones inventory. who do you think you are?

I am thinking that you may not ever do that again. BTW, emails are very easy to misread, there is no way to show what emotion you are "sending" with the words, so if I said to you out of the blue...

Hey! I tried to call you today and left you a message, where the he** were you? Why the he** havent you called me back you useless pile of crap?"
It could be taken as so rude or taken as a casual/ friendly ribbing, but until you really really really know someone, it is not worth the risk, and it is not smart to ever call, or email someone when you are tired,or drunk, write him a real letter, send it in the mail, do not call him, let him call you, tell him you were exhausted and didnt mean it how it sounded, and explain how you meant it, he may come around, be sweet. being a cop sux, they get treated like crap by the public, by their bosses, co workers, it really sux

be a nice place for him to come, not a war zone

BL
 Dancing Gem
Joined: 8/8/2008
Msg: 18
When Is A Mistake Unforgivable?
Posted: 9/8/2008 10:32:28 PM
It means, dear lady, that he is an even greater ARSE than all other males, and shouldn't we cut this criminal , possibing as a civil servant, some latitude?
Thet deseve respect, afdter all they can tazer a fleeiong person to death with impunity.
Insted of arresting people, they can come to the door, or break it down, beat a husnand up till his ribs are splinters cause of a hysrical wifes made up comlaints, an d get away with it.
Because he is a cop, he can be stalwafrt ans stern with silly woman who should run like the wind, as this is a man who would 5150 a person instead of arresting them, so that he or she has noi right to a phone call or legal council , for 72 hours anyway

Do not date a cop unlessd you like unbending, selfish, militeistic, xcoda tuype, bullies.

Thats a buigender statement.

Date a fire fighter instead
 TallAndDark68123
Joined: 12/16/2007
Msg: 19
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When Is A Mistake Unforgivable?
Posted: 9/9/2008 11:14:33 PM
Excuse me if I point out the obvious....you are a female dog! My god what were you thinking? He, like me, probably see's this a hint to your true color starting to shine through.

I do think he has communication problem though because I would have been straight up with you and told you exactly why the budding relationship was completely over and requested you stop all attempts of contacting me. Who hasn't been there, done that and don't want to do it again.
 aprilwhyapril
Joined: 10/22/2008
Msg: 20
When Is A Mistake Unforgivable?
Posted: 11/29/2008 12:27:37 PM
It sounds like you are a passive aggressive who has abandonment baggage from childhood.

When one puts something down in writing it is the kiss of death to a relationship.

He might have some issues, too, but it's over.
 bucsgirl
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 21
When Is A Mistake Unforgivable?
Posted: 11/29/2008 12:38:32 PM

I began to worry if this was all a fantasy and had I opened myself up to someone who wasn't what he portrayed himself to be. I began to imagine all kinds of wild scenarios but when I finally reached him, he gave me a logical reason why he was out of touch. All seemed back on track and we planned to go out this weekend. Then for some inexplicable reason, I sent him an email late that night before going to bed. I didn't think much about it but the next morning I got an angry response from him about the "tone & content" which I realized seemed harsh. I came across in a hypercritical way and any small flaws he had were listed and blown out of proportion. He was VERY angry.


I agree with whoever said you may have abandonment issues to deal with. When you don't hear from him you imagine all types of wild scenarios? So someone doesn't have to DO anything wrong for you to be anxious and paranoid..huh.

He did nothing to elicit this "inexplicable" reaction/email from you. Hypercritical and harsh....you lash out and don't "think much of it" until you realize it made him angry?

You have a lot of personal work to do IMO before any other man would attempt to date you. It's not at all a matter of a "mistake" or a matter of him "forgiving". You exhibited multiple character flaws, he'd be a wise man to cut ties and find someone else.
 Aries_328
Joined: 10/16/2011
Msg: 22
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When Is A Mistake Unforgivable?
Posted: 10/22/2011 6:16:25 PM
Regarding the OP... I don't think it matters. Life can be a real pain but in the end it almost always wins. Your mistake was not a mistake. It was done on purpose and regardless of how you felt after it was you. His response was him. There is no changing that.

How many of us have ignored past relationship 'mistakes' only to be shown that it was not mistake. It was what it was and it became what it became. If you don't want to get caught in that type of drama then don't bring it with you.

I don't claim to understand how life works but in some magical way we are all responsible for everything that happens in our life. Now that’s hard to understand when someone commits some horrible wrong against you but the reality is that you are the only one responsible for your life.

So, forgiving a mistake... A mistake is in the eye of the beholder. Sometimes mistakes happen for a reason and trying to alter that only puts you in a situation that is much worse. Life is funny that way.
 kanlai
Joined: 5/13/2009
Msg: 23
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When Is A Mistake Unforgivable?
Posted: 10/27/2011 1:05:54 PM
he has a huge ego,
you're a vocal, compulsive person who has to repress your personality to be sociable and ended up making things worse when you can't contain your frustrations and wrote him your email.

I'd say you just let this one go because vocal & ego don't mix. If this is your nature, you're going to be apologizing alot even if he keeps on forgiving you.
 kanlai
Joined: 5/13/2009
Msg: 24
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When Is A Mistake Unforgivable?
Posted: 10/27/2011 1:12:47 PM
Woman, you need a man without a huge ego who lets you **** all you want because it's your nature and you're repressing it and that side of you is gonna come out sooner or later......but you better take good care of that man because if you do nothing but ****, he's not going to be around for long.
 southmeetswest
Joined: 4/26/2010
Msg: 25
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When Is A Mistake Unforgivable?
Posted: 10/28/2011 8:15:43 AM
i haven't read the entire thread
but
what strikes me first in response to what you wrote
is that
the relationship is or was in its infancy. too much damage too soon. being criticized and then saying you didn't really mean it, well, it is kinda like letting the cat out of the bag. it is out there, it was said, the haunting feeling is that you did mean it. you were thinking all those things, so why would it suddenly be incorrect as to how you really feel. not enough time, trust, commitment, to bother going down that pathway, in my opinion.
not to mention that you showed a wreckless lack of self control. what does that predict for the future?
afraid this one is lost, maybe you will not make that same mistake again,

kaylee
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