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Show ALL Forums  > Alberta  > What's with "separated" looking for long term?      Home login  
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 Nyla_T
Joined: 7/31/2008
Msg: 1
What's with "separated" looking for long term?Page 1 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
I'd like to know why anyone whose status is "separated" is looking for Long Term, and why someone else looking for Long Term would respond? And along the same lines, why are "separated" not filtered out with "married"? I find it a real paradox. Thoughts, anyone?
 ~ Cndn Girl ~
Joined: 2/2/2007
Msg: 2
What's with separated looking for long term?
Posted: 9/10/2008 11:44:09 PM
Sometimes marriage becomes a piece of paper and a legality only.

A marriage could have been "over" for several years before the parties involved can finally end everything.

This is something I've come across before and have had mixed feelings about.

At this point I believe that someone shouldn't have to wait to find someone they're happy with if they are emotionally ready just because the process of divorce is taking forever. Often it's an extremely time consuming and expensive shuffling of paperwork between lawyers while those divorcing carry on with their lives.

Long term is a long term process ... if that's what they really want... why should they have to wait to get it started?
 Castaline
Joined: 11/21/2006
Msg: 3
What's with separated looking for long term?
Posted: 9/11/2008 6:50:42 AM
And heaven knows we wouldn't want any misleading information on profiles! LMAO

OT: I don't get the 'separated looking for long term' myself.
Although some people stay separated for years (again, why? Just get the divorce)
 ~ Cndn Girl ~
Joined: 2/2/2007
Msg: 4
What's with separated looking for long term?
Posted: 9/11/2008 9:38:31 AM
^^^ Exactly.

Couple of scenerios:

2 people live together for 10 years. Relationship dead for the last 2 years... they finally end it. A year later and on their own they join PoF listing "single" looking or "long term" - No one has a problem with that.

and

2 people live together for 10 years... had a big party and a white dress. Relationship dead for 2 years... they finally end it. A year later and on their own they join PoF listing "separated" looking for "long term" - They're the bad guy for wanting companionship while their lawyers sort it all out.

When it comes to the heart... there really is no difference here
 Courage23
Joined: 7/12/2008
Msg: 5
What's with separated looking for long term?
Posted: 9/11/2008 7:01:58 PM
Better yet...there are numerous gents in their 40' and 50's who descibe themselves as SINGLE.....yet have kids?? When you ask them the question of "were you common law." ..which is fair, I was surprised to find out a number of them said they were actually divorced, BUT considered them selves single...........I guess you can just wipe out a 20 year marriage and kids with one word.........thought THAT was really freaky!!
 iamwoollsy
Joined: 1/6/2008
Msg: 6
What's with separated looking for long term?
Posted: 9/11/2008 7:19:55 PM
Separated is separate!! I was "Legally" separated. Meaning----"NO CHANCE IN HELL!!" of gettting back together with the ex. Some of you read too much into things!!

My mother is still separated from my father and they having been together since 1973.
 Northern Lights
Joined: 9/17/2004
Msg: 7
What's with separated looking for long term?
Posted: 9/11/2008 7:21:29 PM

I was surprised to find out a number of them said they were actually divorced, BUT considered them selves single


When people ask me, I am SINGLE.

I have no 'other half', I live on my own and am quite happy that way.

Why would I mention that I'm divorced?? What difference does it make? I divorced the ass 13 years ago. The marriage is long over, why do I still need to tell people I'm divorced right off the bat?

Am I being dishonest when people ask me what my 'status' is?? If I tell them I'm single (which I consider myself to be), am I lying??

If I tell them I've been divorced for over 13 years, does that mean I'm bitter and have a ton of baggage simply because I make it a point to say I'm divorced???

Help me out here, I'm really confused.

Common sense would tell people that most people in our age group, who have children were married at one time no? I'm sure within the first few chats you have with a person, the fact that they're divorced would come up pretty quick right?

In the end, no matter how you say it, single, divorced, whatever, for most intents and purposes it means the same thing right?? There is no significant other in the picture, you're free to do as you please, when you please, so really, what is the difference between saying your single/divorced??

(sorry, this is a bit of a peeve for me).
 iamwoollsy
Joined: 1/6/2008
Msg: 8
What's with separated looking for long term?
Posted: 9/11/2008 7:22:51 PM
^^^^^Thank you!!! Nice post

I agree!!
 Northern Lights
Joined: 9/17/2004
Msg: 9
What's with separated looking for long term?
Posted: 9/11/2008 8:02:10 PM
I just went and checked my profile for shits and giggles (just cuz I had no idea what I listed myself as!)

My marital status is Single. Exactly what I consider myself to be.

It also mentions I have children, so for most people, that would mean that I was either married, or in a long term/common law relationship, which is to me, pretty much the same as being married (who needs that piece of paper anyways?).

So, I'm having a really hard time understanding what the difference is between single and divorced? how come someone that has never been married but has been in a very long term relationship does not have to face all this scrutiny?
 lonelydavid77
Joined: 5/7/2007
Msg: 10
What's with separated looking for long term?
Posted: 9/11/2008 9:09:59 PM

....I think it takes a bit more than just saying it's over to actually get over a relationship....


Point is well made. As we all know, some days it takes little to bring a tear to the eyes, other days anger and yet other days great joy when thinking of a past relationship. We grow with the experience we have attained in a relationship.

"Separated" has many degrees, and if the present status was created over a long period of time, then that person is looking for what was missing in the previous relationship.
 iamwoollsy
Joined: 1/6/2008
Msg: 11
What's with separated looking for long term?
Posted: 9/11/2008 9:13:36 PM
I'm Divorced, and not bitter or angry! I certainly don't like her very much, and feel that I got the shaft But who cares....I'm a single divorced man with kids!!! AND I LOVE IT!!..

One!!! Don't change you status. I know that your not bitter...LOVE YA GIRL!!!!
 ~Lime~
Joined: 6/25/2007
Msg: 12
What's with separated looking for long term?
Posted: 9/12/2008 5:07:06 PM
you know what... more POF categories are not the answer.

if someone really interests you but their category combined with what they are looking for raises questions or concerns, take the time to find out for yourself. find out their story. everyone has a different tale to tell and a differing set of ever-changing circumstances... and it cant all be neatly explained by a couple of keystrokes here on a dating site.

i know of a few friends who are in the not-yet-divorced but ready-to-find-someone stage. finanaces... legal screw-ups... uncooperative ex... etc.

and hey... if they dont interest you, and its not what you are looking for... then why dwell on it?

bradley
 ~ Cndn Girl ~
Joined: 2/2/2007
Msg: 13
What's with separated looking for long term?
Posted: 9/12/2008 6:07:33 PM
I totally agree with Lime... and a person has to take into consideration that there are some people who are going to lie about their circumstances anyway... so even if they say their "single" could still have a wife and 3 kids at home.

Ask the questions... take the time... and get to know the person.

One way or another you'll find the answers.
 ~ Cndn Girl ~
Joined: 2/2/2007
Msg: 14
What's with separated looking for long term?
Posted: 9/15/2008 11:52:16 AM
What a nightmare Rodster! Glad you're happy ... and it's finally over!!!

Hearing things like this makes me never, ever want to get married! I'm thinking the potential problems just aren't worth it.

I'm all for commitment, but what a nightmare to get out of! If people decide not to be together it shouldn't cause so many problems to end the relationship... WOW!

 Northern Lights
Joined: 9/17/2004
Msg: 15
What's with separated looking for long term?
Posted: 9/15/2008 1:11:20 PM
There are legalities in common law relationships too that make it almost as hard to get out of as a marriage.

Someone told me not that long ago that if say you meet a man (or vice versa, even same sex unions), and have that man come live with you in a house that you own, after 3 years (I think, or something like that), that house is legally considered half his? Same goes for renters and stuff apparently.

First I've ever heard of it, but if that is indeed the case, brings about a whole new slew of problems should a relationship that fits into this scenario falls apart.

Scary stuff.
What's with separated looking for long term?
Posted: 9/15/2008 1:30:57 PM
Actually after one year of a Common Law union, property the couple is living in is considered joint, as are all belongings. A pre-nup would be beneficial in a pre-common law situation as well.
 Northern Lights
Joined: 9/17/2004
Msg: 17
What's with separated looking for long term?
Posted: 9/15/2008 1:45:24 PM
Hmm... I was told three years for stuff like property? I knew about the one year thing, but even after a year, a partner cannot claim 1/2 your house that I know of. Apparently this is something that's fairly new.
What's with separated looking for long term?
Posted: 9/15/2008 2:43:14 PM
If one is involved in a common-law partnership, the below pamphlet may be useful.
They can claim half your house only if they contribute to it (i.e. help with mortgage, childcare, etc.)
http://www.slsedmonton.com/docs/CommonLawProp.pdf

On topic...
I am separated, looking for friendship. I have been separated one year. I am working on the paperwork for my divorce. I know I am not ready to get involved long term, but I am not opposed to meeting people and making friends. One of the reasons I am NOT looking to get involved is because until that chapter is completely close, I do not feel unencumbered. Not that I have a lot of baggage to deal with from that relationship (although, I firmly believe EVERYONE has some) I am just not free to date IMO.
 mibra
Joined: 8/30/2008
Msg: 19
What's with separated looking for long term?
Posted: 9/19/2008 9:03:38 PM
Have no patience to read all replies.... who cares.... oh yes quite some people care lol but not me.

If I like someone, I don't care he's married, single, or divorced, or whatever weird status... *_^ but,
 dirtbag2
Joined: 4/7/2007
Msg: 20
view profile
History
What's with separated looking for long term?
Posted: 9/20/2008 1:37:33 AM
I have been legally separated from my husband for nearly four years now. I'd love it if the man I'm married to would file for divorce but he seems to be in no hurry to do so, and simply put, I can't afford it. He is dating somebody and is raising our son, and we have a relatively civil working relationship.

My marriage was over LONG before I actually left him, and there is not a hope in hell that we will ever reconcile. Just because I don't have that piece of paper that says I am no longer married does not make me tied to this man. I am no longer his wife as far as I am concerned. I don't love him and I don't have any emotional ties to him. Those ties were severed when I chose to leave him.

Offhand, I have no idea what my official POF Marital Status says. It doesn't matter to me because they're only words.

Am I single? No. I have been living with an amazing man for a little over two years now, and I consider THIS man to be my spouse/husband/whatever-you-want-to-call-it. This is because of the emotional and spiritual bond I share with him and not because a piece of paper or some legislation says he is. He loves and respects my son, and my son loves and respects him. When my son was asked to make paper cutouts that represent his family a couple of months ago, he cut out FOUR figures-- his father ( my "ex" ), himself, me, and my current Man. I think that speaks volumes all on its own.

Frankly, even WHEN I do get that piece of paper called a Divorce decree, I have no plans to marry this man. Just as I don't think I need a piece of paper to tell me that I no longer have a bond with one man, I don't need a piece of paper to tell me that I DO have a bond with another one.

For the record, I had been separated for 18 months before I entered into another relationship.
 justnotsureyet
Joined: 8/3/2007
Msg: 21
What's with separated looking for long term?
Posted: 9/20/2008 10:20:14 AM
Mad Sci
I for one think you are doing a very unselfish and financially practical thing. Your right it's not forever, just for now. Kudos to you and your previously SO. I wish more people would put their kids needs above their own.

Just wanted you to know there are women out here who don't think your crazy. Good luck in your search.

As far as labelling your marital status....I think we have to put down what makes us feel comfortable. I have been separated for almost 3 yrs. There is no hope of reconciliation on my part, sometimes you just have to wait until the other partner reaches the stage your at. If you feel comfortable putting single on your profile because that's the way you feel in your heart, so be it. We all know how honest some people are on here. Not so much.
 mibra
Joined: 8/30/2008
Msg: 22
What's with separated looking for long term?
Posted: 9/20/2008 1:02:27 PM
I think there are still some differences between separated and divorced. It is understandable if someone prefers someone who has nothing left behind. For example, if you want to get married soon and have a dream wedding, obviously separated people will not get ready enough for it... who knows when he/she will get rid of the past?

For a separated person, she/he might have some problems still under a tough processing. You can not expect her/him can focus on the new relationship completely (sometimes she/he might has to deal with the ex's bs and come back with bad mood!). The separated might not always keep a positive attitude in mind because he/she is experiencing something that seems not really promising ( maybe "desperate" will be more accurate lol think of that he/she has to fight for 1 year or more to get divorced...).

So, for people who's dating with a separated status, he/she really has to be patient, positive and supportive --- because the separated are still fighting with his/her past. He/she might just want some warmth during this cold winter; then he/she went out and had a date; he/she might not be ready for next relationship but it is too lonely to fight by himself/herself...

I think it is good that we know the status... married people are not available definitely, separated people are struggling, and divorced people might be away from the past... and single ones? Well, if he/she is single for a long time, there are tons of reasons for him/her to be there....

You really have to think of all these things and get ready for unexpected surprises tomorrow lol. It is good to be honest to let another person to know where you are and who you want to be. We should feel very grateful for the lady who started this discussion about status. Her questions bring me to think of more about that.... It is really good for everyone to think of this question, because, we are looking for a life partner, not voting for something else.
Show ALL Forums  > Alberta  > What's with "separated" looking for long term?