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 drewrox
Joined: 6/14/2008
Msg: 1
If your honest you can't be positive?Page 1 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
This is an interesting one. I always try to be honest and open. So when people ask me about my experiences in life and on POF, I tell them what I have encountered. That is called being truthful.

But what I have been told several times after sharing my experiences is that "we'd not be a good match" cause I am negative. LOL So let me see. I should be dishonest and lie about my expereinces in order to portray myself as Mr Sunshine. LOL Not that it's been doom and gloom, but lets face it, we all have had bad experiences. And as for the POF parties, while some may find them fun and a blast, I have seen and heard that they basically have a hge meat market feel. Thats just sharing info that others are telling me. People have agreed with me on that. We just have to realize this is the world we live in. We can't have rose colored glasses to cover up everything. Yes, positive thinking is a must, and I have positive outlooks, but when you ask me about my experiences I will tell you just that, the honest truth about them. After all, if you didn't ask me then I would bring it up. Right? LOL

Your thoughts.
 SueisWho
Joined: 1/9/2008
Msg: 2
If your honest you can't be positive?
Posted: 9/14/2008 10:08:54 AM
How are you phrasing your "honesty"? If done in a negative way...then, yes, you will be viewed negatively.
 CMonster
Joined: 12/4/2004
Msg: 3
If your honest you can't be positive?
Posted: 9/14/2008 10:17:38 AM
It's like those people who proudly proclaim themselves as being "brutally honest" or "honest to a fault." Personally, I have yet to come across anything attractive which is described as "brutal." And as for "honest to a fault," those people tend to cross over to the "complainer" side rather easily. Honesty loses its place on the mantle when tact and kindness isn't used.
 meeshcake
Joined: 9/26/2007
Msg: 4
If your honest you can't be positive?
Posted: 9/14/2008 10:24:12 AM
It's a matter of timing. No, you should never lie about your life, but maybe not disclose too much too soon? Not sure if that's what happeneing, but it could be a reason.

We all have negative things that have happened to us, absolutely. And telling the truth is exptremely important!! But how are you going about it?

Are you telling ladies your whole life story, including everything negative that's ever happened in the first emails or the first date? That would be a red flag to anyone and yes, you would be viewed negatively.

We are who we are because of our experiences, but some things need to wait to be told until after a realtionship is on it's way to being started.

Your tone, how you dealt with these experiences, and your outlook on them now can also be construed as negative or positive depending on how you say it.

As for POF parties -I've been to one and it was very fun and didn't have a meat market feel, it was just too crowded!!
 DEAD soul TRIBE
Joined: 8/8/2008
Msg: 5
If your honest you can't be positive?
Posted: 9/14/2008 10:26:24 AM
I have found 2 things to be true of some people today;

1. If you are honest and say you don't like the liars, cheaters, gold digger etc.. People will back away from you if they are one of these things. They see you as too complicated and perhaps too smart to play like the easy targets..

2. Many people today claim to be "positive thinkers." But they are not. They are instead mental cowards who would rather stick their heads in the sand, than to deal with reality. Life is not all rainbows and sunshine all the time. challenges can and do arise and must be dealt with in life. However, dealing with challenges and negative events in a positive productive way is the art of the true positive thinker.. Those who get defensive and run always crying that people are negative.. These are wanna be positive people.. But they really have no clue what they are talking about and are usually bitter and jaded inside.. Either that, or just plane selfish.

No one should concentrate on the negative side of life all the time.. This pollutes the mind and clouds the soul.. But being a judgemental runner is just being pollyanna.. or just out and out dumb..

 holigolightly
Joined: 5/19/2008
Msg: 6
If your honest you can't be positive?
Posted: 9/14/2008 10:29:54 AM
I think it is important to be honest. When you are talking about your experiences, I think you can be honest without being negative - even if they were bad experiences.
Let's say you had a few bad dates. I think there is a big difference in saying something like:
"I had a few dates. They didn't go as well as I had hoped, but I guess that just means it wasn't meant to be"
AND
"I had a few dates. They were HORRIBLE. What kind of crazy women are out there???"
 findingthemagic
Joined: 8/10/2008
Msg: 7
If your honest you can't be positive?
Posted: 9/14/2008 10:45:34 AM
There's a difference between having a negative experience and being a negative person. And we've all had negative experiences. It's great to look at things for what you learn from them (thus being positive), but I appreciate people who experience a normal range of emotion rather than being in either a state of perpetual cheer or a state of perpetual doom. And a normal range of emotion includes both up and down in appropriate amounts. The definition of "appropriate amounts" may be subjective and may vary with circumstance, but we all have to find our own comfort level with this in ourselves and in others.

As for honesty, I agree that tact and consideration for the feelings of others should be on board before expressing the truth as one sees it. We are not machines.
 drewrox
Joined: 6/14/2008
Msg: 8
If your honest you can't be positive?
Posted: 9/14/2008 11:02:22 AM
Its agreed on how you say it plays a big role in how you come off. I should have elaborated more. In these cases it's not a matter of saying things are negative, its when I say that my expereinces have not been the best and they ASK that I give examples. So it's in describing these past tales. Of course we always try to keep a positive aspect, but also you keep things real. Life is not a bowl of cherries.

I don't know why people want to hide the fact that there are bad expereinces on here. Those that play games, those that are inconsiderate, those that are just plain nasty. It's there and its real. Pretending everything is peachy and rosy make some feel better but it doesn't make the problems go away. Am I wrong? So if we ignore the fact that there are problems then they would never get fixed.

Personally I just think it's wrong to call a person negative for them simply telling you their experiences, especially when you asked to hear them LOL
 sweetfeisty
Joined: 6/17/2007
Msg: 9
If your honest you can't be positive?
Posted: 9/14/2008 11:15:30 AM
people need to stop nit piking and realize we are all humans....and shit happens...no one is perfect geez.
 Lady Waresa
Joined: 12/24/2007
Msg: 10
If your honest you can't be positive?
Posted: 9/14/2008 11:17:08 AM
It's never what is said, it's how it's said, because that is usually the indicator of how a person perceives things. IMO, life is 20% reality and 80% perception. That's a pretty huge percentage in my favor on how I choose to perceive events that happen in my life and which events I choose to dwell on.
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 11
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If your honest you can't be positive?
Posted: 9/14/2008 11:19:11 AM
On the face of what you say, I can agree with you... if someone asks you to expand on a negative experience it seems really unfair for them to turn around and condemn you for the details.

But it may be how you expressed it, or what bothered you is indicative of something else they found problematic.

Positive people have negative experiences and it doesn't seem to stick to them... they don't get embroiled in it and it just falls off their backs. Negative people seem to cling to the bad stuff in what they've experienced... almost blowing it out of proportion. Of course THEY don't see it this way... they think they are honestly reflecting their experience. And they are, it is just that their negative perception amplifies the "bad stuff" they experience in life.
 Ideoform
Joined: 9/23/2007
Msg: 12
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If your honest you can't be positive?
Posted: 9/14/2008 11:34:45 AM
"what I have been told several times after sharing my experiences is that "we'd not be a good match" cause I am negative."


With this in mind, perhaps you might re-think using the photo with the t-shirt that says "Love Sucks" on it....and maybe wear another color besides black. Just saying.


"its when I say that my expereinces have not been the best and they ASK that I give examples. "


If you say to someone in casual conversation, "My experiences have not been the best..." sometimes people take that to mean, "ask me about my experiences." Its like an opening...to get to know you better people look for openings to ask questions to get to know you better. If you don't give them the opening (open-ended comment) they won't think to ask if you have had "negative experiences" in life and what they were.

In particular, early on, or on the first date, it is a good idea to not bring up what went wrong in your last relationship. It will seem as though you aren't over it enough yet. Or if you are complaining about the screening-out process we all go through when doing internet dating, people will be checking in their own mind to see if they have any of these characteristics, instead of relaxing and feeling good about themselves while they are with you.

In conversation, stick with the present moment--who you are with now.

And as a relationship develops, the questions will naturally come up later on about what you are wanting to avoid from your past relationships, and what you have learned from your experiences.

However, consider that you don't have to share this information at all with your newest date. You have already done the screening process with her--avoiding the pitfalls you have decided to avoid by screening out the ones that don't fit and not even meeting these. Hopefully, you don't need to enlist her help in doing this. Just observe her and ask questions yourself--don't make her help you to weed herself out by saying stuff like "I don't like/had a bad experience with X, Y, or Z." If she shows signs of being like an ex, then just say that the chemistry isn't there or something like that and go back to fishing.
 El_Mariachi
Joined: 4/21/2007
Msg: 13
If your honest you can't be positive?
Posted: 9/14/2008 11:43:03 AM
I wonder if people are weirdly asking you for a play-by-play of your past relationships or something and since you're single.. and looking on a dating site.. obviously those haven't lasted.

If that's the case, why are you indulging them?

If I'm wrong.. then what are examples of what you're telling them?

In the interests of honesty, I can sorta see why'd you let loose with the info, but honestly... it's none of their business.


I don't know why people want to hide the fact that there are bad expereinces on here.


I think the people who ask you to share these bad experiences are the one's with the problem, to be honest.

Hiding them is not the issue. I think it's common sense that probably everyone has had bad experiences. Those that NEED to hear about them are the negative one's, in my view.


Personally I just think it's wrong to call a person negative for them simply telling you their experiences, especially when you asked to hear them LOL


Wait.. you're on a dating site and you want logic to be used by other people.. my my, but we're demanding! Hahaha. Seriously tho, it's really unlikely.
 drewrox
Joined: 6/14/2008
Msg: 14
If your honest you can't be positive?
Posted: 9/14/2008 11:46:30 AM

With this in mind, perhaps you might re-think using the photo with the t-shirt that says "Love Sucks" on it....and maybe wear another color besides black. Just saying.


Didn't someone say not to nitpick the small things? You would have to be pretty dim to think someone would wear a Love Sucks t-shirt on a dating site and be serious. If you can't see the humor in it then a person like that would not be the kind of friend/date I'd like to have. As for black, whats wrong with black? I don't judge people by what color clothes they wear.

In reality it's not me thats being negative, the t-shirt is a perfect example. I'm being silly and funny there. I'm laughing at it all, yet I'm the one who's negative. I would figure people lacking a sense of humor would be negative.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 15
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If your honest you can't be positive?
Posted: 9/14/2008 12:27:59 PM
I consider myself to be a good thinker. I analyze things and people before I commit myself or come to a decision. I have a very positive outlook on my life because honestly with an exception of my marriage (people change between 25 and 40) my financial, educational, child-rearing, real estate and investment decisions have been quite solid. Friends come to me for advice on love because I tend to weigh the good and bad very fairly.
But there are those that repeat mistakes, enjoy playing the victim and are pure attention seekers. Those folks I have no time for and will be blunt and completely honest with them if they ask me a question. My posts here are often called brutal, but why not? My advice to a stranger or friend will always be unemotional and consistent. I refuse to candy-coat something just to make someone happy or paint myself in a better light. I am who I am.
 SteveinHP
Joined: 8/12/2008
Msg: 16
If your honest you can't be positive?
Posted: 9/14/2008 1:56:55 PM
Honesty has nothing to do with being positive or negative.

I have had alot of negative happening in my life, as well as positives..

When you talk about them, or post about them, a lot of it is in the way you express yourself. If you express a negative experience with a positive spin on it, it shows you are positive.

If you express it in a negative manner, without showing absolutely nothing positive about it, well then it will come off as negative..

Presentation, Presentation, Presentation....
 MaximumPipage
Joined: 8/22/2008
Msg: 17
If your honest you can't be positive?
Posted: 9/14/2008 2:09:33 PM
I am honest and positive, just depends on who I am talking to. Once trust is broken tho, I am negative purposely to make things go no where and the other person to leave me alone.
 drewrox
Joined: 6/14/2008
Msg: 18
If your honest you can't be positive?
Posted: 9/14/2008 2:13:29 PM
Ah bullocks. LOL Presentation!! Life is life. Some people choose to face the facts that we have many faults, others choose to sugar coat them and pretend they don't exist or matter.

I agree with Carolann0308 100% in this quote from her

I refuse to candy-coat something just to make someone happy or paint myself in a better light. I am who I am.


She is not a neagtive person for expressing what she feels is the truth.

I equate this ignoring the negatives the same as being an alcoholic or drug user and refusing to realize there is a problem. If you realize there is a problem, it will neve rbe solved. In the same way if we as audults don't address the negatives that occur in dating and just choose to ignore htem, then people are going to just continue on playing head games and hurting others.
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 19
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If your honest you can't be positive?
Posted: 9/14/2008 2:18:42 PM
I disagree... being positive does not mean ignoring the negatives. To me it means finding a solution, working it out.

Here's a simplistic example...
Being negative... there are a lot of losers and sickos out there and I keep dating them.
Being positive... there are a lot of losers and sickos out there and I keep weeding them out.
 CMonster
Joined: 12/4/2004
Msg: 20
If your honest you can't be positive?
Posted: 9/14/2008 2:19:46 PM

I equate this ignoring the negatives the same as being an alcoholic or drug user and refusing to realize there is a problem. If you realize there is a problem, it will neve rbe solved. In the same way if we as audults don't address the negatives that occur in dating and just choose to ignore htem, then people are going to just continue on playing head games and hurting others.

So are you saying that you're alright with women saying that you're not a match because you're perceived as too negative?
 mystic star
Joined: 2/28/2008
Msg: 21
If your honest you can't be positive?
Posted: 9/14/2008 2:22:00 PM
Hey, they asked for it! I always tell people "Don't ask questions that you don't really want to know the answers to!". I think anyone who say they have a great time on here with no negative encounters are lying or they are just interested in sex.
 SteveinHP
Joined: 8/12/2008
Msg: 22
If your honest you can't be positive?
Posted: 9/14/2008 2:23:04 PM
It is presentation. Sure something may have been negative in your life, but if you talk to someone about it in a negative manner, that you learned nothing positive from the situation, well, where does that leave things...only seen in a negative light.
 Closing Shop
Joined: 7/24/2008
Msg: 23
If your honest you can't be positive?
Posted: 9/14/2008 2:32:00 PM

Ah bullocks. LOL Presentation!! Life is life. Some people choose to face the facts that we have many faults, others choose to sugar coat them and pretend they don't exist or matter.


Presentation can be everything. One guy could tell me about a nightmarish dating situation and have me roaring with laughter. Another guy could describe the exact same situation and come across as a negative misogynist. It has nothing to do with sugarcoating something. A person's approach to a topic can tell me a lot about their general outlook on life and I prefer the people who can find (and appreciate) the humor in everything.
 drewrox
Joined: 6/14/2008
Msg: 24
If your honest you can't be positive?
Posted: 9/14/2008 2:34:12 PM

So are you saying that you're alright with women saying that you're not a match because you're perceived as too negative?


I'm allright with any of it because I am allright with myself. I am a happy person.
The point I am making is people asking me about what I have experinced on here and when I tell tell them what has been DONE to me, NOT what I FEEL about it, it makes me negative. So the fact that women have acted in a 'shallow' manner or "played games' makes me shallow? They asked, I did not advertise it LOL
 drewrox
Joined: 6/14/2008
Msg: 25
If your honest you can't be positive?
Posted: 9/14/2008 2:40:16 PM
There is nothing to roar in laughter about people playing games with your heads. There is humor in a bad date and we can all laugh about that. But when you talk about an experience that spans more than a bad date there really is not much humor to milk out of it. Plus the point many are missing is in talking ot me thay ASK about my bad experiences, not about bad dates that were funny.
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