|Difficult personalityPage 1 of 4 (1, 2, 3, 4)|
|The person is argumentative, confrontational and obnoxious so I guess you should ask yourself why are you in a relationship with them. People are resistant to change and what you describe are significant personality flaws that will require substantial work to modify and if the SO doesn't want to be accountable, you have hit a wall that will never go away.|
One of the reasons that they will not accept this message in any way is because no matter how you phrase it, write it, tie it up in a ribbon, they will perceive you as intentionally hurtful and wanting conflict because that allows them to refrain from looking at themselves. Sometimes you have to realize that someone is just not a good fit.
Posted: 9/20/2008 8:42:37 PM
|Well Charlie, unless you feel some perverse pleasure in beating your face into a brick wall, you can't win in this one. There are two possibilities here. One, the partner has zero respect for you, and less than zero interest in maintaining a relationship with you. Two, this is the way that partner is wired, whether from genetic heritage or a lousy upbringing (nature vs. nurture). If you've tried the compassionate, understanding approach and that's failed, you should very seriously consider heading for the hills. If the partner refuses to communicate, then how could you possibly hope to salvage anything from a relationship like that?|
Posted: 9/20/2008 8:43:26 PM
|Before you quit, you should try saying "cut out the crap!" loudly. If that gets her attention, state that you won't put up with her rude behavior any more. It won't change her but it will be an excellent exercise for developing boundaries. It may actually cause her think, too.|
Posted: 9/20/2008 8:45:18 PM
What are the best ways to tell a[n] ... obnoxious personality [they are] the principal reason [for] problems in the relationship? Shouldn’t a person have the respect ... to discuss any issue ... without arguing or avoiding it entirely? Are they an a$$hole or not? Maybe you think they should take a vacation from a$$holeness to be "responsive" to your input? Then you are the dumba$$.
Posted: 9/20/2008 9:05:09 PM
I certainly hope you respond to some of the questions asked or comment made. Mine is: how is it that you developed a relationship with this type person? Usually most people shun or walk away from obnoxious, confrontational, argumentive types because they find them repulsive. Did you not find this person repulsive? If you didnt find them repulsive until now, what happened? If you did find them repulsive at the first why did you invest your time to develop a relationship with them such that you refer to them as a partner? Fishy Seeks has a valid point, its time the obnoxious one takes a vacation from supreme a$$holeness. One last question , have you ever told this person to shut-the-hell-up and stuff a rag in it??? If not, why not? If you did, what happened?
Ok,,,,where is my Advil?
Posted: 9/20/2008 9:23:44 PM
|I guess that person you are refering to is very unhappy and you can not change them. All you can do is let them bluster all on their own without feeding their bad behavior. I personally think it is constructive to not reward the bad behavior. That would usually entail not discussing anything with them when they go over the line.|
Someone I admire very much was asked how they put up all these years with a complaining wife and he replied that he learned that he could be happy whether or not she was happy and he quit trying to make her happy. I think that is great advice.
So my friend.. you just be happy in yourself and don't expect her to change.. and don't take her rants personally.. she probably uses it to manipulate and control cuz she is afraid of being out of control.
Posted: 9/20/2008 10:14:58 PM
|~OP~ I suppose I'd wonder what other people think about this particular person. Maybe you are in a group of a few or many who feel as you do, or maybe you are the only one who views your partner this way. If you are the only one, it's likely she's not all that thrilled with the relationship itself and she's taking out the frustrations on you, since you are the other part of the relationship. However, if she is like this typically and with others ~ you have a big problem. As has been stated: if someone is difficult at times it's likely a bad day or three, if someone is difficult all the time he/she is simply an azz and there is no fixing that. Unfortunately you can't remove the azzhole gene. If we could, I'd still be married. Good luck OP ~ hope you find the answer that works for you. |
Posted: 9/21/2008 4:30:56 AM
|OP if the person is truly the way you say they are nothing you say will have a positive outcome. But, actions speak louder than words.|
The best way to communicate your feelings about their communication skills, and personality is to remove them from your existence - leave the relationship, cut all communications with them.
It's always your choice about whom you allow into your life and who gets to stay an active part of it.
So if it is truly a brick wall that can't be moved, quit arguing and trying to get them to understand. Leave, and continue living the rest of your life by seeking someone who is actually the type of person you desire to be around.
Posted: 9/21/2008 5:40:10 AM
Excellent! Nice to see someone say something in this forum that is actually positive, as opposed to thinking negatively, or there is no way to say it, etc. Some people are amazing, in thinking these things, eh? It's always cut and run, sheesh!I am all for positive and working at things until you know it is never going to work. What the OP described, however, is someone that has a serious issue that requires therapy and it is kind of like an alcoholic, the person has to admit a problem and seek help and the obnoxious, confrontational person is usually trying to avoid working on themselves at all costs.
The OP is welcome and should perhaps be encouraged to quote the non-threatening thing but having live with a person of this sort, I can pretty much 100% guarantee that no matter how he says what he says, it will be construed as an attack. Consequently, there is no way to coax them into therapy and even if they go, they will be resistant and nothing will change.
I would imagine that the OP has become pretty miserable and while I applaud his wanting to salvage the relationship, one would hope that he would wish himself a better quality of life than he is ever going to have with this person. If he ends the relationship she is free to ask why and if she really cares about herself and him, she can get therapy and they could reconcile. Voila, happy ending without the OP essentially gutting himself.
Comment overlooked by most but perhaps wise words for everyone to live by.
If they are as you describe, and you aren't the same way, there isn't a way. I suspect, and this is only a guess, she feels the same about you.
Be the change you would see in others, and let the chips fall where they may.
Posted: 9/21/2008 4:10:11 PM
|OP you've clearly never met my Dad.|
Shouldn’t a person have the respect, no matter what personality they have, to discuss any issue that arises in a relationship without arguing or avoiding it entirely?
It has taken me all my life to understand, that this man (my father) who is charming, intelligent to the outside world and I - just cannot have a sane, rational, adult conversation about issues in our family WITHOUT being hurtful and combative.
Each and every time I have attempted it - it ends in hurt, anger, hostility and recently open warfare that nearly destroyed my family and ended with my Dad in jail.
While I understand, now as an adult, that he was raised in an environment that created this in him. As a child, I couldn't understand why Dad acted how Dad acts.
Now I see. It is him.
It is me.
It is how we are with each other. Even when I try to remain completely neutral and non-confrontational - he bristles and aggresses.
Now, I stay away.
Some people - just cannot learn.
Some people simply cannot acknowledge it is them.
Some people will never learn this, and some aren't open to discussing it and growing.
Then you have no alternative, but to live on - in your way, and not try to interact with them.
Posted: 9/29/2008 8:00:56 AM
|The problem with argumentative people is that they feel threaten all the time, so they are like the cornered snake that feels that it has to strike, instead of finding an adequate exit. Or realizing that perhaps your point of view is valid, and worthy of consideration. I've know people like this. The problem is that while you are explaining your point of view, they are not listening, they are formulating on their head what their answer will be. My brother is one of these people. And is so funny, because we could be talking about something where we both have the same point of view, but rather than listen, he is planning a come back, so even when agreeing, he has to disagree. Example "The sky is as you said blue and is just awesome." His response "Nahh, still is not blue enough and there's no where to hide from the heat and the sun."|
So, OP, you're not going to change this type of personality. If they argumentative, they will not change. If they are negative, they will suck the marrow out of your own life and turn you into a defensive negative person. Do not argue on their terms. Argue on your terms. Realize that you will NEVER change their minds. So instead of telling them what they need to change, tell them what you will prefer life would be, even to the point of giving them a boundary that will be unacceptable to cross. Also, when you argue, it becomes a fire fueled by emotion, so you never finish a point before you are arguing about another, so you need to slow down this process, so if verbal communication goes no where. Tell the other person to put it on paper and e-mail it to each other, and then formulate a reply.
Now, as you can see, some arguments here, which are written seem to go nowhere, so this doesn't necessarily may solve the problem, but it will slow down the intensity to the point of listening to your own voices.
And finally, realize that you can always walk away not only from the argument, but from that person.
Posted: 9/29/2008 8:37:03 AM
|That attitude ..... may have started the “yes dear” that goes on in millions of households.|
I saw it in action. A few months back I was at WalMart out in the parking lot sitting on my bike (girl watching). This couple came out from the store and ....... oh man. That gal was grinding on that poor guy - beating him down with her mouth at 100 mph.
She was bigger than he was. They seemed to be in their 50s. I could tell that poor guy had be subjected to year and years of it. He was just beat down to nothing.
OP - I doubt there is a way ........
Posted: 9/29/2008 10:01:15 AM
|((((I'll give you the last example, just yesterday I asked her if I could refill her soda for her while we were out to lunch, she said and I quote "You don't know how much ice I want or know what i'm drinking" I never said another word))))|
communicate with us, please, Charlie....Just what is the nature of your relationship with this person? Coworker? Lover? Potential Date? Only friend you have?
Basically, I don't think you can say or do anything for this person....DON'T GO TO LUNCH WITH THEM, thats a start. At work "Just say hi". Keep it professional, if they cross the line, or their style interferes with your work, tell them that...then tell the supervisor if the problems aren't resolved.
You have no responsibility to this person otherwise. Certainly, they wouldn't be my friend or lover.
Edit: Oic, you are trying to date her. what on earth made you even have that notion, since you said her behavior is always like that.......GOOD LUCK chuck.
Posted: 9/30/2008 10:03:06 PM
|((((I have sent her a letter explaining my concerns, unfortunately it wasn't successful.))))|
What the.... ?! How can you not be succesful sending a letter. You write it, put it in an envelope, put the proper postage stamp on, and drop it in a legal mailbox.
I now think you and her are soulmates. Can't you just imagine what wonders of the Universe the two of you could create together? You can't mail a letter, she complains if you want to refill her soda. Ahhh, do us all a favor and live together forever. But don't have children.