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 maples01
Joined: 3/12/2008
Msg: 2
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Jokes for Tennessee!Page 1 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
Two love poems



Women's Love Poem

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to 'how big is my behind?'
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.



Men's Love Poem

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a bar on a golf course, and loves to send me fishing and hunting.

This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.
 maples01
Joined: 3/12/2008
Msg: 3
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Posted: 9/22/2008 11:45:15 PM
ALIENS visit Arizona

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed
for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien
addressed it saying, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to
your leader.'

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.

The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again,
there was no response.

Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his
ray gun and said impatiently, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do
not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!'

The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to
do that! I really don't think you should make him mad.'

'Rubbish,' replied the****, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump
and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared
towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a
burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused
his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the
older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.

'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near
killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend
and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic
travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can loop his penis over his
shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.'
 maples01
Joined: 3/12/2008
Msg: 6
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Posted: 9/23/2008 1:12:47 PM
A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with
her for $500. They did their thing, and, before he left, he told her
that he did not have any cash with him, but he would have his secretary
write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment 'RENT FOR
APARTMENT.' On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done,
realizing that the whole event had not been worth the price. So he had
his secretary send a cheque for $250 and enclose the following typed
note:

'Dear Madam:
Enclosed find a check for $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not
sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the place, I was
under the impression that:

#1 - it had never been occupied;
#2 - there was plenty of heat; and
#3 - it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.
However, I found out that:
#1 - it had been previously occupied,
#2 - there wasn't any heat, and
#3 - it was entirely too large.'

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for
$250 with the following note:

' Dear Sir:
#1 - I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful apartment to
remain unoccupied indefinitely.
#2 - As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it
on.
#3 - Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but
if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the
management.
So, Please send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your
present landlady.
 maples01
Joined: 3/12/2008
Msg: 7
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Posted: 9/23/2008 1:19:42 PM
These 12 are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers in the New York City Public school system. All teachers were reprimanded but, boy, are these funny!



1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.



2. I would not allow this student to breed.



3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.



4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.



5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.



6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.



7. This child has been working with glue too much.



8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.



9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.



10. If this student were any stupider he'd have to be watered twice a week.



11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.



12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.







These 16 were taken off actual police car videos around the country: [these are some mighty 'quick witted' cops!]



16. 'You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through.'



15. 'Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them awhile.'



14. 'If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document.'



13. 'If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.'



12. 'Can you run faster than 1200 ft/second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you.'



11. 'You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?'



10. 'Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?'



9. 'Warning! You want a warning? OK, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket.'



8. 'The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?'



7. 'Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, Fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop.'



6. 'Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.'



5. 'In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.'



4. 'How big were those 'two beers' you say you had?'



3. 'No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can.'



2. 'I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. It's good to know someone who can post your bail.'



AND THE WINNER IS....



1. 'You didn't think we gave pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't.........Sign here.'
 maples01
Joined: 3/12/2008
Msg: 14
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Posted: 9/25/2008 6:07:32 PM
Sex in the Dark

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.

Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.

She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit

So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.

She looked down.. and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device... a vibrator!

Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.

She went completely ballistic.

'You impotent pig ,' She screamed at him, 'How could you be lying to me all of these years?

You better explain yourself!'

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:

'I'll explain the toy, you explain the kids.'
 maples01
Joined: 3/12/2008
Msg: 15
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Posted: 9/28/2008 12:28:16 PM
USMC Rules For Gunfighting

1. Bring a gun. Preferably, bring at least two guns. Bring all of your
friends who have guns.

2. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life
is expensive.

3. Only hits count. The only thing worse than a miss is a slow miss.

4. If your shooting stance is good, you're probably not moving fast
enough nor using cover correctly.

5. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral and
diagonal movement are preferred.)

6. If you can choose what to bring to a gunfight, bring a long gun and
a friend with a long gun.

7. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or
tactics. They will only remember who lived.

8. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating, reloading, and
running.

9. Accuracy is relative: most combat shooting standards will be more
dependent on "pucker factor" than the inherent accuracy of the gun.

9.5. Use a gun that works EVERY TIME. "All skill is in vain when an
Angel pisses in the flintlock of your musket."

10. Someday someone may kill you with your own gun, but they should
have to beat you to death with it because it is empty.

11. Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you
lose.

12. Have a plan.

13. Have a back-up plan, because the first one won't work.

14. Use cover or concealment as much as possible. The visible target
should be in FRONT of your gun.

15. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.

16. Don't drop your guard.

17. Always tactical load and threat scan 360 degrees.

18. Watch their hands. Hands kill. (In God we trust. Everyone else,
keep your hands where I can see them).

19. Decide to be aggressive ENOUGH, quickly ENOUGH.

20. The faster you finish the fight, the less shot you will get.

21. Be polite. Be professional. But have a plan to kill everyone you
meet.

22. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.

23. Your number one Option for Personal Security is a lifelong
commitment to avoidance, deterrence, and de-escalation.

24. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun, the caliber of which does
not start with a "4."


Navy Rules to Gunfighting

1. Adopt an aggressive offshore posture

2. Send in the Marines

3. Drink Coffee
 maples01
Joined: 3/12/2008
Msg: 17
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Posted: 9/28/2008 12:50:10 PM
Little Johnny went up to his father and said, 'Dad, the teacher gave us an
assignment to determine the difference between potentially and realistically.
Can you help me ?' The father thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go
ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then
ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and
then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.
Come back and tell me what you learn from that.'



So little Johnny went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars?' The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We
could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great
University.'



Little Johnny then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars?' The girl replied, 'Oh my God! I LOVE Brad
Pitt. I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?'



Little Johnny then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with
Brad Pitt for a million dollars?' 'Of course,' the brother replied.
'Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?'



Little Johnny pondered the answers for a few days, then went back to his dad.
His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference between potentially
and realistically?'



Little Johnny replied, 'Yes... Potentially, you and I are sitting on three
million dollars............. But Realistically,........we're living with
two sluts and a queer.
 maples01
Joined: 3/12/2008
Msg: 18
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Posted: 9/28/2008 12:53:50 PM
Burial at Sea

Chrisy and Barbie, two blonde sisters had promised their uncle, who had been a seafaring gentleman all his life, to bury him at sea when he died.

Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the two blondes kept their promise. They set off from Clearwater Beach with their uncle all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat.

After a while Chrisy says, 'Do you think we're out far enough, Barbie?'

Barbie slipped over the side and finding the water only knee deep said, "nope, not yet Chrisy". So they row a little farther....

Again Chrisy asks Barbie, 'Do you think we're out far enough now?

Once again Barbie slips over the side and almost immediately says, "No, this will never do, the water is only up to my chest."

So on they row and row and row, and finally Barbie slips over the side and disappears. Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Chrisy is really getting worried when suddenly Barbie breaks the surface gasping for breath.

'Well is it deep enough yet, Sis?'

"Yes, finally. Hand me the shovel."
 maples01
Joined: 3/12/2008
Msg: 20
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Posted: 9/28/2008 1:01:24 PM
Bullshit and Brilliance

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles along for the company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading
rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.


The old poodle thinks, 'Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!' Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, 'Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?'

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. 'Whew!' says the leopard, 'That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!'

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, 'Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, 'What am I going to do n ow?', but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says,

'Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!

Moral of this story....

Don't mess with old farts .. age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.
 maples01
Joined: 3/12/2008
Msg: 21
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Posted: 9/28/2008 1:02:43 PM
Proof that Men Have Better Friends...

Friendship among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship among Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.
 maples01
Joined: 3/12/2008
Msg: 22
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Posted: 9/28/2008 1:14:31 PM
OKES THAT CAN BE TOLD IN CHURCH

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, 'Why is the bride dressed in white?''
The mother replied, 'Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.'
The child thought about this for a moment then said, 'So why is the groom wearing bl ack?'
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, 'Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!'
While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again! As she ran she once again began to pray, 'Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But please don't shove me either!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, 'My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.'
The second boy says, 'That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, th ey give him $100.'
The third boy says, 'I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~
An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, 'They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.'
~~ ~ ~~~~~~~~~
A police recruit was asked during the exam, 'What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?' He answered, 'Call for backup.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem .. A small child replied, 'They couldn't get a baby-sitter.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to 'Honor thy father and thy mother,' she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?'
Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~
At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.
Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and she said, 'Johnny, what is the matter?' Little Johnny responded, 'I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, 'What do you think about all this Satan stuff?'
The other boy replied, 'Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your Dad.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You don't stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing! Take heed and pass these along to people who need a laugh.
 Brian1275
Joined: 3/13/2008
Msg: 23
Jokes for Tennessee!
Posted: 9/30/2008 3:44:17 PM
Yeah your Football team.....
 maples01
Joined: 3/12/2008
Msg: 27
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Posted: 9/30/2008 7:10:39 PM
Oh I can add so many innuendo's to the gum one, but I won't, it'd pass the "R" rating.
 maples01
Joined: 3/12/2008
Msg: 31
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Posted: 10/3/2008 10:43:21 PM
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at
work.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in
the bedroom closet to watch.

The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the
closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, 'Dark in here.'

The man says, 'Yes, it is.'

Boy: 'I have a baseball.'

Man: 'That's nice'

Boy: 'Want to buy it?'

Man: 'No, thanks.'

Boy: 'My Dad's outside.'

Man: 'OK, how much?'

Boy: '$250'

*I n the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover
are in the closet together.*

Boy: 'Dark in here.'

Man: 'Yes, it is.'

Boy: 'I have a baseball glove.'

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'How much?'

Boy: '$750'

Man: 'Sold.'

A few days later, the Dad says to the boy, 'Grab your glove, let's
go outside and have a game of catc h.'

The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove.'

The Dad asks, 'How much did you sell them for?'

Boy: '$1,000'
The Dad says, 'That's terrible to over charge your fr iends like
that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm taking you
to church, to confession.'

*They go to the church and the Dad makes the little boy sit in the
confessional booth and closes the door.*

The boy says, 'Dark in here.'

The priest says, 'Don't start that **** again; you're in my closet
now.'
 maples01
Joined: 3/12/2008
Msg: 35
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Posted: 10/15/2008 1:36:33 PM
[url=http://img241.imageshack.us/my.php?image=noteoc1.jpg][img=http://img241.imageshack.us/img241/811/noteoc1.th.jpg][/url]
 maples01
Joined: 3/12/2008
Msg: 38
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Posted: 10/17/2008 7:02:59 PM
You just copy the link and paste it in your browser window, this site won't allow linking outside stuff.
 Sapphireeyes
Joined: 1/13/2008
Msg: 42
Jokes for Tennessee!
Posted: 10/21/2008 10:59:31 PM
The following is the winning entry in an annual contest at Texas A&M University calling for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term: This year's term was Political Correctness.

The winner wrote:

"Political Correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end..."
 maples01
Joined: 3/12/2008
Msg: 48
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Posted: 10/28/2008 7:05:45 PM
The Polite Way to Pee

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to
teach good manners, asked her students the following
question:

'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a
nice young lady, how would you tell her that
you have to go to the bathroom?' Michael
said, 'Just a minute I have to go pee.' The teacher
responded by saying, 'That would be rude and impolite.'

'What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'
Sherman said, 'I am sorry, but I really need to go
to the bathroom. I'll be right back.'

'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say
the word bathroom at the dinner table.'

'And you, little Edward, can you use your brain for
once and show us your good manners?'
'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a
moment? I have to shake hands with a very
dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you
to after dinner.'

The teacher fainted
 romanticgal61
Joined: 11/8/2007
Msg: 50
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Posted: 10/29/2008 10:48:00 AM
Two Nuns and a Vampire

Two nuns, Sister Catherine and Sister Helen are traveling through Eruope in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield. "Quick, quick!!!" shouts Sister Catherine. "what shall we do?" "Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination", says Sister Helen.

Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. "What shall i do now?" she shouts. "Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican," says Sister Helen. Sister Catherine turns on the windshield washer.

Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. "Now what?" shouts Sister Catherine. "Show him your cross", says Sister Helen. "Now you're talking!" says Sister Catherine. She opens the window and shouts, "Get the f*** off the car!"
 maples01
Joined: 3/12/2008
Msg: 51
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Posted: 10/31/2008 10:57:58 PM
Thought For The Day

Back in 1990, the Government seized the Mustang Ranch brothel in Nevada
for tax evasion and, as required by law, tried to run it. They failed and it closed.

Now we are trusting the economy of our country to a pack of nit-wits who
couldn't make money running a whore house and selling booze???

Just something to think about....
 maples01
Joined: 3/12/2008
Msg: 52
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Posted: 10/31/2008 10:59:03 PM
The Wisdom Of Our Time

It's not whether you win or lose, but how you place the blame.




You are not drunk
if you can lie on the floor
without holding on.



We have enough youth. How about a fountain of 'smart'?



The original point and click interface
was a Smith & Wesson.



A fool and his money
can throw one hell of a party.



When blondes have more fun, do they know it?



Five days a week my body is a temple.
The other two it's an amusement park.



LEARN FROM YOUR PARENTS' MISTAKES
USE BIRTH CONTROL



Money isn't everything,
but it sure keeps the kids in touch.



Don't Drink and Drive
You might hit a bump and spill something.



If at first you don't succeed,
skydiving is not for you.



Reality is only an illusion
that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.



Time's fun when you're having flies.

......Kermit the Frog



We are born naked, wet and hungry.
Then things get worse.



Red meat is not bad for you
Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.



Ninety-nine percent of all lawyers
give the rest a bad name.



Friends don't let friends
take ugly people home.

Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge
to produce reproductive organs.




Alabama state motto:
At least we're not Mississippi .



Gaseous clouds
have been detected
around Uranus.



ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE IS NO
MATCH FOR NATURAL STUPIDITY.



GUN CONTROL:
using both hands



The more I learn about terrorism,
the more I understand the phone company.



The latest survey shows that
three out of four people make
up 75% of the population.
 maples01
Joined: 3/12/2008
Msg: 53
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Posted: 11/3/2008 9:18:46 PM
A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.





She asks him why he is staring. He replies: 'I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you.'





She answers, ' My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'





'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'





She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.'





The cab driver is very excited and says, 'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'





'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'





The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.





But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.





'My dear child,' said the nun, 'Why are you crying?'





'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess; I'm married and I'm Jewish.'



The nun says, 'That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party.'
 maples01
Joined: 3/12/2008
Msg: 56
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Posted: 11/14/2008 4:27:30 PM
I was depressed last night over this financial crisis, so I called Lifeline.

Got a freakin' call center in Pakistan.

I told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
 maples01
Joined: 3/12/2008
Msg: 57
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Jokes for Tennessee!
Posted: 11/14/2008 4:29:14 PM
Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 . I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other prog rams and now monitors all other system activity, such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 . I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 , but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0 Please help!

Thanks,

A Troubled User.

______________________________________

REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 , thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0 . It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed!

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings Alimony C hild Support . I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it t ends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.

However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5 . Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3 . This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,
Tech Support
 maples01
Joined: 3/12/2008
Msg: 61
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Jokes for Tennessee!
Posted: 11/19/2008 2:29:11 PM
John Hinckley to be released! Be sure to read the whole letter.....

You might recall that John Hinckley was a seriously deranged young man who shot President Reagan in the early 1980s. Hinckley was absolutely obsessed with movie star Jodie Foster, extremely jealous, and in his twisted mind, loved Jodie Foster to the point that to make himself well known to her, he attempted to assassinate President Reagan. There is speculation Hinckley may soon be released as having been rehabilitated. Consequently, you may appreciate the following letter from John McCain that the staff at the mental 20 facility, treating Hinckley , reports to have intercepted this past weekend:


To: John Hinckley
From: John McCain
My wife and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased we are with the great strides you are making in your recovery. In our fine country's new spirit of understanding and forgiveness, we want you to know there is a bilateral consensus of compassion and forgiveness throughout.

My wife Cindy and I want you to know that no grudge is borne against you for shooting President Reagan. We, above all, are aware of how the mental stress and pain could have driven you to such an act of desperation. We are confident that you will soon make a complete recovery and return to your family to join the world again as a healthy and productive young man.

Best Wishes,
John and Cindy McCain

PS: Barack Obama has been banging Jodie Foster like a screen door in a hurricane. Thought you should know.
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