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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > When does a relationship move to a point where "not calling" is NOT C      Home login  
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 flghtwings
Joined: 2/5/2008
Msg: 1
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When does a relationship move to a point where "not calling" is NOT CALLING?Page 1 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
I'm kinda curious and would really like to hear a point of view, especially from the ladies.

I work a funny schedule at the moment. I work 4 days and off 2. At work I have plenty of free time and computer access.

On my first day back at work, I found a profile and struck up a chat with a lady. It went well and was quite enjoyable. The next night we did it again and we were getting quite comfortable and carrying on a good conversation. We exchanged numbers and later when I had to get off the computer, passed a few text messages. The third night, we again had a really great chat and ended up talking on the phone for a while. On the fourth night of work, all hell broke loose, I stayed busy all night, and I didn't get on the computer at all. The next two nights were my nights off and I went out with my friends from work. When I got up to go to work after my two days off, I had several text messages that had apparently come while I was sleeping, saying generally, "I don't know what I did or why you don't want to talk to me any more, but take care." I dropped her a quick message that said all was okay, I was just off and had gone out. My next text that came back was, "You could have sent me a text three days ago just to say HI". I jokingly replied with, "I didn't realize our relationhip had progressed to the point that you would panic if you didn't hear from me in a few days." The reply to that and the last message I got was, "It don't matter. Whatever"

Maybe I just want some validation, or a woman's perspective. I don't feel that I did anything wrong. Our conversation was definately flirty, and she was the kind of woman that I might want to pursue and date. But we had only talked for three days and there was no "relationship" other than a casual acquaintanceship.

Anyone feel I am being selfish in thinking that I didn't owe her to the extent of making a point to contact her and tell her that I wouldn't be around for a few days?
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 2
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When does a relationship move to a point where not calling is NOT CALLING?
Posted: 9/25/2008 5:00:29 AM
You do not have 'relationships' with strangers. She got pissed that you did not text or email for a few days, if that's all it took for her to drop you, consider yourslef lucky. She sounds needy and very clingy.
 namrael
Joined: 8/10/2008
Msg: 3
When does a relationship move to a point where not calling is NOT CALLING?
Posted: 9/25/2008 5:02:30 AM
She sounds really passive aggressive.
 TxSippiGal
Joined: 9/30/2007
Msg: 4
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When does a relationship move to a point where not calling is NOT CALLING?
Posted: 9/25/2008 6:06:17 AM
I don't see that you did anything "wrong".. but I hoped that you would try to see things from her perspective. What I mean by this is what sort of things did you say to her.. Did you tell her how special she had become.. did you charm her with some compliments... if that is so... then I think she thought she might be getting played.

See to a woman becoming special means you sorta let them know what is going on .. that is to us what becoming special means.. it doesn't mean you drop all your activities and just focus on her but it does mean that you communicate what is going on with yourself.

Yes we ladies do need some kind of "touching" base.. It is sorta like on a mild scale we having a meal prepared for you and you not showing up. We percieve it as inconsiderate because we expect you to understand that we were looking foward to spending time with you and you weren't there.

And I think that all of us ladies need to understand that guys do this sort of thing.. we don't understand it but it is reasonable and normal for a guy to do just what you did.

I will say this.. if you offer an explanation.. and she refuses it.. just move on.

ten96 said it better than I did... it was the pace of everything.. threw her off.
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 5
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When does a relationship move to a point where not calling is NOT CALLING?
Posted: 9/25/2008 6:19:06 AM
I agree with OldSoul (saved me some typing). But, notwithstanding you two don't seem to be on the same page, here's a Margo observation of "the way life works" lol:

Patterns. If you establish a pattern with a person and then change it for whatever reason... they are likely going to wonder why.
Often it is a kindness to be proactive by explaining ahead of time that ones pattern is about to change, it puts their mind at ease or saves them some time/energy wondering about it. If one can't anticipate the change... just that life stuff got in the way... I'd likely touch base quickly at some point just to say that.

You're either building something or tearing it down with each action you take or don't take.
 bellazingara
Joined: 7/4/2007
Msg: 6
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When does a relationship move to a point where not calling is NOT CALLING?
Posted: 9/25/2008 6:27:43 AM
OP, you did nothing wrong. This woman is out of her mind. If she's acting like this when you're not even in a relationship what would she expect of you when you are? She's either super needy or a bit of a drama queen.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 7
When does a relationship move to a point where not calling is NOT CALLING?
Posted: 9/25/2008 6:45:56 AM
I don't know, I am so used to the internet thing that I don't notice, adhere to or get used to patterns...unless and until I am dating someone offline for a while, I don't expect anything consistent from them. I can't look forward to much from people I don't really know. To me it's not reality until I've met them and decided I like em anyway - would I even notice they weren't calling or how many days?

If you were talking for like 3 weeks straight every day I could see noticing, but a couple days? Nahh.

I go thru periods myself where I don't talk to someone for days, stuff comes up, I have plans or I just don't feel like it...and before I meet someone it wouldn't cross my mind to warn them I won't be online or calling for a couple days...it's so early in the process (if there even is a process) that I wouldn't really think much of it.
 GrandmaBooBoo
Joined: 12/30/2006
Msg: 8
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When does a relationship move to a point where not calling is NOT CALLING?
Posted: 9/25/2008 6:55:07 AM

Anyone feel I am being selfish in thinking that I didn't owe her to the extent of making a point to contact her and tell her that I wouldn't be around for a few days?
No, of course not. I fail to see why you have your jock strap in a bunch over this???

Her last reply was:
The reply to that and the last message I got was, "It don't matter. Whatever"


You said:
Our conversation was definately flirty, and she was the kind of woman that I might want to pursue and date.
I think that IF you could take your mind off yourself for about 2 seconds you might realize that it's quite likely that you're not the ONLY person she was having these flirty conversations with....and that there are also very likey others who also think she's someone they might like to pursue and date. For some reason I'm really sensing that her motivation may have been less possessive than perhaps just trying to figure out where to fit you into her list. The "it don't matter. Whatever" comment was the sound of you dropping from her #1 interest to the bottom of the list. Since that's where you placed yourself to begin with, I don't see why it should be a problem for you now that she has placed you in the order that you wanted to be in anyhow.
But we had only talked for three days and there was no "relationship" other than a casual acquaintanceship.
Problem solved!!!
 Amma63
Joined: 8/18/2008
Msg: 9
When does a relationship move to a point where not calling is NOT CALLING?
Posted: 9/25/2008 6:56:27 AM
OP - you didn't do anything wrong............as you've been told several time by other posters.

This is an insecurity issue with her

It doesn't just happen with women either - I just missed a bullet here not that long ago with a fella that I had been 'casually' dating...........very casual. Then I missed two of his phone calls - next thing I get an e-mail saying that I obviously don't want to talk to him and he hopes I find what I'm looking for.

Yeah - no insecurity issues there.....................
 smiliegirl15
Joined: 7/15/2006
Msg: 10
When does a relationship move to a point where not calling is NOT CALLING?
Posted: 9/25/2008 7:34:46 AM
When you are having conversations with someone who appears to be interested and then all of a sudden it stops dead, you assume they have moved on to someone else and are not interested any more. Such is life with internet dating. No contact = no interest. This may totally not be the case (as in this situation) but it happens. In this day and age of almost constant means of contact, you probably could have contacted her within those few days had you truly been interested. When you only contact them while you're at work and can't be bothered to when you're not at work smacks of being married or in another relationship already.
 davidsauvignon
Joined: 2/6/2008
Msg: 11
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When does a relationship move to a point where not calling is NOT CALLING?
Posted: 9/25/2008 7:50:14 AM
First night: chatted
Second night: chatted
Third night: chatted and phone convo
Fourth night: nothing
Fifth night: nothing
Six night: nothing
Seventh night: condescending text message(S) asking what went wrong
Eighth morning: response text msg. stating everything is okay; replied with "whaevuh!"

So, three consecutive days of communication makes a pattern? It's something that has developed to the point of scheduling your life around and the lack of means something is amiss in the universe? Then, why if her world now contained this pattern....this expectation of communication, did she not send the texts on the fourth night (the first night of noncommunication and when the pattern was broken) asking what happened? The same pattern was broken, correct? Or the fifth night, or the sixth? Why did it take HER four days to ask about the broken pattern if her life now revolved around it?




~ds~
 GrandmaBooBoo
Joined: 12/30/2006
Msg: 12
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When does a relationship move to a point where not calling is NOT CALLING?
Posted: 9/25/2008 8:55:21 AM

Why did it take HER four days to ask about the broken pattern if her life now revolved around it?
Because quite obviously her life did NOT revolve around it. Kinda negates the "insecurity" issue now doesn't it?


GrandmaBooBoo accessed the situation correctly.
LOL! I'm no rocket scientist here but that's just exactly how I would have interpreted the situation.

The fact that she didn't get all panicky the 5th, 6th, or 7th day and start asking questions says to me that she's probably NOT insecure at all, but that indeed she may have a firm grasp on the reality that not everyone lives their life at a keyboard. The first text message (in my mind at least) says...."did I miss something?" "did I misinterpret where our conversations were headed?". That action in itself would seem to indicate not only a well developed sense of security...but also one of maturity. IE. if you want to know something.....ASK! In fairness however, I have not looked at the OPs profile so I'm not sure what age group we're talking about. If they're very young...then yes.....EVERYTHING is an insecurity issue.

I agree, he is NOT interested in her, but wants to have his cake and eat it too and now he's mad that she is probably serving it somewhere else. Get over it!!! NEXT!!!!!
 OneMoreTimeWithFeeling
Joined: 9/8/2008
Msg: 13
When does a relationship move to a point where not calling is NOT CALLING?
Posted: 9/25/2008 1:11:53 PM
I say you dodged a bullet OP. If this is how she is and you've never met her, imagine how the rest would have gone if you did.
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 14
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When does a relationship move to a point where not calling is NOT CALLING?
Posted: 9/26/2008 1:00:12 AM
Insecurity and a woman who thinks her validation comes from you, I'd run the other way. Anyone who can't take a few days of not hearing from someone they don't even know and jumps to the whine that she must have done something, meaning you are an ass for not spoon feeding her self-esteem...is always going to be nagging you and whining about pretty much anything that doesn't fill that big black void where her life should be. I don't know what you are looking for in a woman, but I'd think someone that delicate should be cut loose.

I know people are going to say you should have called her, but really, you didn't and if she did more than wonder and hope you were okay, then she's ran off the rails and jumped way into a relationship you don't have together. You'd expect to hear from a boyfriend or husband, but a stranger online, not so much. It's how people act in situations like this that should be the very red flags we pay attention to. She's obviously much more needy & insecure than someone who would fit into the kind of lifestyle you have, so why beat your head against the wall trying to get along???
 Wishes Granted
Joined: 3/6/2008
Msg: 15
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When does a relationship move to a point where not calling is NOT CALLING?
Posted: 9/26/2008 7:44:34 AM

Unfotunately there are a lot of women (including myself) that although mind reading is not at all possible, we wish that it did! Some men (and women) see this kind of behaviour as "needy" I myself see it as having "common courtesy" whether or not this "relationship" was "casual" or not? You admit your conversations were somewhat firty and all was going good, so I can see from her point of view, that she may have said something to upset you, hence not hearing from you again, when she had no idea that you were actually going to busy for the next few days. All would have been totally in control (bad word to use but cant think of another) IF you had just mentioned somewhere in those flirty conversations, that you would'nt be able to call, as you were blah blah blah for the next whenever, and all would have been just hunky dorey and she would have been excited and happy to hear from you again, as and when you were available ..............
.. I think this way also.
It's funny how many women are so contradictory in their thinking.. changing their fundamental views on relastionships from one post to the next. How many quote "He's Just Not Into You" ad naseum.. yet when the Op comes on and relates how he demonstrated the very premise of that book... you all call the woman needy and clingy? Too funny!

You have to realize that many men/women on dating sites are not exactly fraught with genuine intent.. many have been on the receiving end of "The Fade", "The Poof", The String Along", "The Backup" etc. Sooooo, when one receives the first Red Flag warning of any of these negative online behaviours... defenses tend to go up.

Op [I think] a little reassurance.. a simple line in your last written correspondence that you'd likely not be around for a day or two would have been, at the very least, thoughtful of you and reassuring to her.
 Pink Rose Lady
Joined: 10/1/2006
Msg: 16
When does a relationship move to a point where not calling is NOT CALLING?
Posted: 9/26/2008 7:55:09 AM
More than a few relationships have gone south when expectations were not met. When she didn't hear from you for a few days, she probably thought you'd lost interest. Your excuses for not contacting her again on your days off kind of back that up.

Pink
 davidsauvignon
Joined: 2/6/2008
Msg: 17
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When does a relationship move to a point where not calling is NOT CALLING?
Posted: 9/26/2008 8:51:28 AM
I guess I'm just being thick, but I'm still not seeing what many others are suggesting. They had contact for 3 consecutive days. If that led her to believe that contact would continue every day henceforth, why would she not have contacted him after one day of no contact? Or two....or three? Why is the responsibility of contact solely on his shoulders?

I understand many/most women want to be pursued. He did that....initially....made first contact....and things seemed to be going fine. However, many of those same women think something along the lines of, "I called/texted you last, it's your turn." Was it in fact "her turn"? Who knows....it was more than likely way too early in this "relationship" for any kind of ground rules to have been made or communicated.

It just seems to me that there was a misunderstanding. I don't believe she was clingy/needy, but I don't agree with her waiting for three days without contact and then leaving sarcastic texts on the fourth day without previously trying to make contact herself. Likewise, I don't agree with him having contact for three consecutive days where there seems to be mutual interest and then just disappearing for 3 days without a quick, "catch up with ya in a couple days," message, either.

So OP, perhaps you could try again with the understanding that she may or may not be needy....just something time and actions will bear out eventually. But also with the understanding that she values consideration and thoughtfulness which isn't a bad thing either. JMO.




~ds~
 Fun_e1978
Joined: 6/7/2008
Msg: 18
When does a relationship move to a point where not calling is NOT CALLING?
Posted: 9/26/2008 8:56:59 AM
You're not dating her, you don't owe it to her to check your messages every hour. However, if you were willing to set the baseline at chatting it up with her every day, she probably came to expect it from you.

It sounds like she was peeved, and that could be a sign of neediness. You have to figure out if, given the other qualities you see in her, you are still interested in the person as a whole to look past that.

Rather than being defensive, you could just ask why she felt a certain way and then just LISTEN. We men rarely do that enough.

Good luck.
 Wishes Granted
Joined: 3/6/2008
Msg: 19
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When does a relationship move to a point where not calling is NOT CALLING?
Posted: 9/26/2008 9:53:46 AM

He exhibited the classic example of "not interested enough to care", and so many ladies posters came to his defense and called OP's victim needy and clingy.
I agree.. as I stated in my earlier post.

If the girl in the Oposters scenerio had given her side of the story.. all those calling her needy would have said "He's just not that into you" "he's playing you" " he's insensitive. "move on, kick him to the curb" Yet when the guy posts .. they call her Needy and Clingy and justify his behaviour. It's laughable really!
 smileee4u
Joined: 11/8/2007
Msg: 20
When does a relationship move to a point where not calling is NOT CALLING?
Posted: 9/26/2008 11:06:25 PM
She overcompensated for you. She is angry with herself. She got "carried away" and gave you "all she's got". She probably waited by the text, and got more excited and more excited, then FELT LIKE A FOOL, when you dropped the conversation. She is embarrassed and humbled by her extravagant feelings for you. She probably fantasized about you, and thought about you quite a bit. She has the "feeling", the timing was right for her, even though it was only texting and phoning. She feels stupid. She feels slighted, because her feelings for you were stronger. She has lost face with you. So, she says What Ever.
 Wishes Granted
Joined: 3/6/2008
Msg: 21
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When does a relationship move to a point where not calling is NOT CALLING?
Posted: 9/27/2008 6:32:54 AM
Elaine.. I didn't say I agreed with them .. I said that that, that's what they would be saying... I've read them say it.

Having never met each other, I agree with you.. he owes her fvck all. However; if you listen to the ladies who think that the book "He's Just Not Into You" is the bible.. The Op's actions are a classic example of the title. He chatted with her everynight while at work and then when he had time off and an opportunity to actually meet with her, he blew the opportunity and went out with friends from work instead... In otherwords; he demonstrated that He just wasn't into her. According to the book..

My Post was directed more towards the hypocrisy of some gals thinking and how they have actually justified this man's behaviour by calling this woman needy and clingy. It's just as evident that she was feeling vulnerable because he appeared to be blowing her off.

In my book, no matter how you perceive this scenerio; Common courtesy.. has nothing to do with "owing" anybody anything whether one's met each other ot not
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 22
When does a relationship move to a point where not calling is NOT CALLING?
Posted: 10/7/2008 2:47:59 PM

Anyone feel I am being selfish in thinking that I didn't owe her to the extent of making a point to contact her and tell her that I wouldn't be around for a few days?

No, of course you didn't OWE her anything...but if you were interested in growing this connection, letting her know you were going to be out of touch for 2 or 3 days would have been a nice gesture.
Particularly with online connections( but it happens in connections made OFF line as well) there is such a huge "flake off" factor, with both genders, or so I'm told.( I don't date women). She probably figured you just another "lookylou big talker,no action" kinda guy.
If I've started exchanging electronic communications with a guy that might at least make it to the starting line, I make it a point to let him know if I am going to be out of contact for a few days. Particularly if it's still in the "written" stage. (emails/IMs/texts, smoke signals, jungle drums, Morse code,whatever!)
so no, you OWED her nothing. But that little "above and beyond" of letting her know you were going to be busy/out of communication for a few days might have helped your cause.
Cindy O
 davidsauvignon
Joined: 2/6/2008
Msg: 23
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When does a relationship move to a point where not calling is NOT CALLING?
Posted: 10/7/2008 4:38:25 PM
So it's been almost 2 weeks.....what happened, OP?





~ds~
 theforumfiend
Joined: 10/21/2007
Msg: 24
When does a relationship move to a point where not calling is NOT CALLING?
Posted: 10/7/2008 4:51:34 PM
DS, my guess is that the answer is obvious - he never called again.
 KLeighHeart
Joined: 8/10/2008
Msg: 25
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When does a relationship move to a point where not calling is NOT CALLING?
Posted: 10/8/2008 11:02:41 AM
I totally feel ya.. but I was on the other end of it...I had actually chatted with and talked on the phone with this man... for like 3 weeks... having great conversation .. I mean like 5-6 hours at a time.. talking about anything and everything... My issue with him at first was that he was a trucker... I from his profiles and conversations he seemed to be on the level...I trusted his word.... but we had actually met... He made the effort 3 times to come a see me... then out of state.. bad reception... I admit .. I did call.. maybe too much .. but at first was mostly :wondeing if you got a signal ... give me a call when you get a min: then wondering if your ok.. hadnt heard anything ... Granted in the time we were talking he did happen to have an accident.. so I was generally concerned... but still nothing...
I know I sometimes come off as being needy... not so much more than someone to talk to and since He was the top of the list.. interested in him.. spent time with him... sure thats who I wanted to talk to...but about a week of that...not knowing not hearing.... well Im over it and started to talk to someone one else ...( other posts- dating a trucker... long distant relation ships...come to mind ) I think my intentions just to hear from him was a little misinterperated and I didnt get to have that conversation with him...Im still a little mift about it... and hope he comes across my post...Man up.. its just a conversation.. but anyhoo... I understand when you get to know a person..its true... its the excitement...of something new... the prospect...I myself have had to deal with it both sides... not wanting to be hurt.. feeling like your putting your heart out there a bit... and Idont want to hurt anyone but .. Wow! flash just now.... sometimes you just have to cut loose.... Geeze... its different when you think aobut it ... and think about what you want to type and say about it.. I am always seeing something new..... you have to be careful when dealing with some people... they dont always bounce back so easily... Im over it but I still try to say hi to him and talk... at least that last conversation.. thats my m.o. but again... I try to see the good in most things.. if I feel your a friend... I want to know..ok so what happened... sorry to ramble but felt I needed to share as you had to start this one in the first place.
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