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Show ALL Forums  > Broken Hearts  > Boyfriend went back to his ex - advice      Home login  
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 fluffie1
Joined: 9/22/2008
Msg: 1
Boyfriend went back to his ex - advicePage 1 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
My bf and I had been going through a bad patch for a while.We had been together for 4 years. He has a son and felt like he never made time for me. I moved out after he did some bad things. Although he fulfilled me in many other ways.

When I met him my understanding was that his ex had recently moved out and he told me he was single and it was over. She contacted me saying I was breaking up a family. (Although the child wasnt hers).

Anyway after I moved out my bf declared his undying love for me saying he wanted to work on our problems. To cut a long story short I went over to the house to find him there with his ex!!! The one he had finished with just prior to us meeting. She said to me 'you took all this off me, now i have taken it all back!!'. How could he allow this woman to say this to someone who was supposedly his lover and best friend for 4 years, me.

In many ways he was the love of my life. Sometimes he could fit the bill and other times he had such a bad temper. I trusted him and miss his company so much. I feel so betrayed by him doing this so quickly and now there is no contact at all. I cant get my head around it as he is now back with her and presumably he is living with her as my friend said she answered the door to her last week.

It has made me think what is this so called love thing all about and made me question the past 4 years of my life. Feels it was a lie. And how could they be getting it on after he left her in such bad circumstances?

It would have been nice if he had taken time on his own and even called to say 'hi how are you'. Instead of taking up with his ex as it was easy?! Thoughts please...
 Wildman46
Joined: 6/4/2008
Msg: 2
Boyfriend went back to his ex - advice
Posted: 9/25/2008 3:41:40 PM
Does it really matter to you who your ex hooks up with. You moved out, Now you need to move on. He obviously took you seriously when you moved out, He got on with his life, You should do the same.
 TX_Girlie
Joined: 9/22/2008
Msg: 3
Boyfriend went back to his ex - advice
Posted: 9/25/2008 6:25:26 PM
Honey. I have been there, My husband left me to go back to his ex wife, that cheated on him.. Then he came back, and eventually left again... It is a sickness that we will never understand. It wasn't you. Believe me, I know it hurts, I still feel this pain now.. You will hurt for a long time, it may not ever fully go away, but you will be stronger in the long run.. or at least that is what everyone tells me.. If you need to talk, message me, I think we can share a common insight...
 TroubleAhoy!
Joined: 6/21/2008
Msg: 4
Boyfriend went back to his ex - advice
Posted: 9/25/2008 9:27:58 PM
Yep, weird things do happen. My ex boyfriend went back with his ex wife too, after 9 years... He said she still has half of his money! Sick...
 kathareeene
Joined: 7/26/2007
Msg: 5
Boyfriend went back to his ex - advice
Posted: 9/25/2008 9:32:20 PM
hate to say it but wildman 46 is ABSOLUTELY RITE...half the problem with folks on here is they dont know when to let IT GO...kathi
 Snakewhisperer
Joined: 2/3/2008
Msg: 6
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Boyfriend went back to his ex - advice
Posted: 9/25/2008 9:43:23 PM
I hate it when the guy ends a rocky relationship by cheating. Or he uses the problems in the relationship as an excuse to cheat. It's just tacky. Whether he is acting out his own hurt or seeking some sort of revenge on you, either way he ended the relationship in a very tacky way. Personally, I would not give this guy the time of day again.
 pearlj
Joined: 3/1/2007
Msg: 7
Boyfriend went back to his ex - advice
Posted: 9/25/2008 9:47:46 PM
Wow, with prospects like that who would ever want to date? The pain DOES go away, it doesn't stay forever, and if it does I would imagine you would have to be wallowing and "ripping the wound open" every now and then. If you WANT pain like this to haunt you forever, or if you WANT to keep those ole feelings alive in case he comes back one day, than feel free, a cheating Bf does NOT require you to spend a life time in mourning. Move on hun, I dont know what other "bad" things he did to you, but it sounds like he is incapable of A.) Being alone, and B.) really giving his all to someone, ill bet he's had her on the back burner all these years. Prob just stringing her along, she's his "in between girl" the one he hooks up with "in between" relationships, so he doesn't have to be alone,and or go without sex. Be carefull to not be the "in between girl's" replacement. There are millions of great single hot men out there, and no they wont be "HIM" but it sounds like he wasn't all that great o begin with. Throw yourself into a life improving project (career, living arrangement, geographic location, education etc...) and before you know it you will be totally indifferent to him.
 fluffie1
Joined: 9/22/2008
Msg: 8
Boyfriend went back to his ex - advice
Posted: 9/26/2008 5:49:55 PM
Hi thanks for your reply. pearli. One of the replies which made the most sense to be honest. Just so hard going day to day knowing that hes out there yet I cannot contact him. I know in my heart its wrong him being with her. But what can you do? ... Hopefully time will be the healer. However its hard knowing he told me I was always the 'one' he would be with forever. Talk is cheap eh? Someone once told me ' If someone shows you what they are really like .... BELIEVE THEM!!! Although that is far easier said than done. especially when there is no one out there compares. His ex obviously felt the same to wait 4 years while we were together. Lonely and hurt xxxxx
 fluffie1
Joined: 9/22/2008
Msg: 9
Boyfriend went back to his ex - advice
Posted: 9/26/2008 6:03:00 PM
Thanks for your understanding wildman! He is a man who clearly does not know what he wants. Unfortunately he has a lot to give and I fell for him. That is human nature. I now hurt becaue I dont think anyone willl compare to him. And he left her to be with me. So I cant get my head around how either of them can be together now. Anyway...good days and bad days ....
 Lambchop65
Joined: 1/2/2008
Msg: 10
Boyfriend went back to his ex - advice
Posted: 9/27/2008 8:29:16 AM
Wildman....great advice!
 indehills
Joined: 2/23/2008
Msg: 11
Boyfriend went back to his ex - advice
Posted: 9/27/2008 8:42:47 AM
You moved out, Now you need to move on. He obviously took you seriously when you moved out, He got on with his life, You should do the same.

I couldn't agree more. YOU left, you ended the relationship, now it's none of your business what he does or who he's with. When you walked out the door, HE probably felt the last 4 years was a lie, he needed someone, and he went to someone who wanted him right then - unfortunately, that someone who wanted him was not you. So can you blame him? In the future, if you really want to be with someone, DON'T LEAVE THEM.

As far as advice, I'd say start SERIOUSLY looking for someone, stop worrying about what he's doing (or trying to find a way to get back with him), and in the future don't leave someone unless you are 100% sure you are ok with never having them in your life again.


And he left her to be with me.

Karma's a b!tch, isn't it? My mom always said "what goes around, comes around". I guess it came around. Also for future reference, if a guy will leave somebody else to be with you, then he will leave you to be with somebody else.
 Renaissance Man 1950
Joined: 7/13/2008
Msg: 12
Boyfriend went back to his ex - advice
Posted: 9/27/2008 8:43:11 AM
OP,to answer the question in the OT.....advice? ...Yeah, move on. Some things are "deal breakers", and to hang on and "pine" for him would be pathetic.
 DiveDrifter
Joined: 8/31/2008
Msg: 13
Boyfriend went back to his ex - advice
Posted: 9/27/2008 8:44:08 AM
Apparently, as women like to say... "it just wasnt meant to be"

Pack it up, move on...
 ABitMuch
Joined: 7/14/2008
Msg: 14
Boyfriend went back to his ex - advice
Posted: 9/27/2008 2:35:27 PM
Run! He cannot stand himself enough to be alone with himself. Don't fight over him - the fact that she said you took him and he didn't say anything shows he enjoys the drama.

Run!
 fluffie1
Joined: 9/22/2008
Msg: 15
Boyfriend went back to his ex - advice
Posted: 9/28/2008 3:31:47 AM
So True a bit Much!! You have got it sussed. He did love the drama unfortunately.
And he could NOT be alone.
I dont think as another wrote that I was the rebound girl... I think it wont work between those two in the end anyway, how could it with all the bad stuff under the bridge??!! Its just that she was there and it was easy, no great thought or effort on his part.
 Loz Hunter
Joined: 7/13/2006
Msg: 16
Boyfriend went back to his ex - advice
Posted: 9/28/2008 4:00:56 AM
An ex is an ex for a very good reason.

He is obviously been seeing her for the four years you were together, makes sense she moved in the day you moved out, but what has she won?

Let them live in the past (with all its problems) he will throw you in her face when he is angry, you know it he will.

So go on treat yourself, join a singles site and get out there dating and forget about him and his temper and her and her trophy.

You are special - look after you.
 Alyosha
Joined: 10/29/2007
Msg: 17
Boyfriend went back to his ex - advice
Posted: 9/28/2008 4:21:01 AM
I wouldn't presume to comment on your b/f's behaviour as I have only your own - no doubt honest - attempt to describe it but if you believe that it really is over, that you don't want him back, couldn't trust him again, and want to move on, what I suggest is, hard as it will be to do, that you wish him and the other woman well, that you try your damndest to imagine him as he was at his best, and her in the best possible light you can imagine, and imagine them happy together!!

That might be the way to a measure of emotional freedom for yourself.
 gb300
Joined: 12/25/2006
Msg: 18
Boyfriend went back to his ex - advice
Posted: 9/28/2008 4:51:29 AM
I think you need to take a cold, hard look at the situation you just described, and ask yourself WHY you are in love, or what you think is love, with a man that treats you this way. Sounds like a painful relationship from the beginning. This man doesnt know what love is, he only knows what pertains to him at that moment. Dont give up on it just because one person used the word 'love' in a hurtful way.

As for the pain and loneliness you are feeling now, it does get better hon. Part of it is just jiltedness, that feeling of loss because he 'chose' someone else over you. You need to fill that void with something else for a while. It does get easier, honest.
 cyndilee42
Joined: 6/23/2008
Msg: 19
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Boyfriend went back to his ex - advice
Posted: 9/28/2008 4:55:30 AM
Damn Girl! Let go. Why would you even want him to call? Don't play the victim. So, get up and dust yourself off and Yell "NEXT!" life is short baby. Your deserve to be treated better.
 Indy8
Joined: 7/27/2007
Msg: 20
Boyfriend went back to his ex - advice
Posted: 9/28/2008 5:01:01 AM
He is doing what I call the 'rotating girlfriend' game. He stays with someone while it feels good, and says wonderful sincere things to her, which he probably believes . For you, it lasted four years and it could mean that he is very good at this game. Are you annoyed? What do you gain from his decisions?

Remember what she said .. "you took this away from me:" , she had this same experience with him, apparently, and now she thinks (hopes) that everything is OK now. I suspect you can do better for y'self
 fluffie1
Joined: 9/22/2008
Msg: 21
Boyfriend went back to his ex - advice
Posted: 9/29/2008 5:26:51 AM
Hi thanks for all your words of support and encouragement. I guess I felt he was my soulmate. When it was good it was amazing. On top of that I just feel I couldnt possibly meet anyone else like him in many ways. The thought of him with her kills me and I get so tempted to pick up the phone to call him and ask him if he could please meet with me to talk. I cant get my head around how one minute someone can decalre their undying love for you. Have lived with you as partner and best mate and then nothing..
I guess every day is a new day and it will take time. Wouldve been so much easier for me if he had just been honest and spoke to me and told me what he wanted.
 ABitMuch
Joined: 7/14/2008
Msg: 22
Boyfriend went back to his ex - advice
Posted: 9/29/2008 11:40:06 AM
DO NOT CALL!! How can you trust anything this man has to say? You're only 34 ... you have plenty of time to brush yourself off and get back on the horse ... when you are ready. As for him - stick a fork in it - he's done!
 SueisWho
Joined: 1/9/2008
Msg: 23
Boyfriend went back to his ex - advice
Posted: 9/29/2008 2:17:18 PM
I don't understand why there are so many people going back to their "exs"???????? This never ceases to amaze me.....

I am sorry for your hurt, OP....

I hope one day that you find someone who treats you well and has staying power. :)
 YingKissesYang
Joined: 5/12/2005
Msg: 24
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Boyfriend went back to his ex - advice
Posted: 9/29/2008 2:49:16 PM
""""I moved out after he did some bad things"""

Doesnt that answer any and all questions right there? Who on Earth wants to be with someone "who does bad things?" Please stay single.
 Tarika
Joined: 5/23/2007
Msg: 25
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Boyfriend went back to his ex - advice
Posted: 9/29/2008 8:45:13 PM
You obviously moved out for a significant reason. Now, all you need to do is move on...regardless of who he went back to or who he is dating. They key is to move on and don't torture yourself!
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