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 AUTHOR
 ~Milenko~
Joined: 3/28/2007
Msg: 1
Not attractedPage 1 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
Alright, well, my man and i have been together since begginning of this year. He was great, and i was attracted to him. He is a bigger guy, and i had no problem with it. But now since we started living together, he always walks around with a shirt on (i like people in clothes unless were having sex) he sits infront of the computer all the time, eats none stop, and doesnt want to go out anywheres, he is a hermit.

He never used to be this way... at all... and if i want to go out with friends, he doesnt like it. Like say he is outta town for work ( which he is finally working) if i want to go out to a club for a few hours or something, he is always like jsut wait till i get home, but im sorry to say when i go out with my friends i dont want my man there, i like to have fun with just my friends sometimes. He literally has no friends now, so he is making friends with mine.

I used to love dancing, but since he has been going to clubs with me, nu uh i dont even want to look at the dance floor. Now i dont dance with guys or anything, i like to dance with my girls or by myself, for fun, it relieves stress for me, that i can forget about everything and live in the moment for those few songs.

Now im not attracted to him, i love him alot, but i would like him to loose weight, i understand he will never have a 6 pack body, and thats not what i want. He used to be a football player, he weighed more but was smaller, it was more muscle... now im sorry to say its pure fat. From spending so much time together at home because he would get a job 2 weeks later he would quit, he has been doing it for quit awhile. I cant stand him really, i like to get away. He is becoming very clingy. I dont know why i seem to be losing feelings. He told me if we broke up he would go back heavy into drinking again and probably the drugs he used to do. Total guilt trip. And to top that off, him and my daughters father do not get along at all, im always stuck in the middle, and it is hell. What can i do to get him to be more active, maybe cut back on eating, to better himself. And possibly work out too?? any suggestions. Or do you think that the relationship is just not working out no more?
 Closing Shop
Joined: 7/24/2008
Msg: 2
Not attracted
Posted: 9/26/2008 5:39:12 PM
I cant stand him really, i like to get away


You wrote this yet still wonder if the relationship is working?
 Arpeggia
Joined: 1/15/2008
Msg: 3
Not attracted
Posted: 9/26/2008 5:44:00 PM
Hon, you have to decide Is He Worth It? There are many kinds of abuse and it sounds like mental abuse is what he is all about not to mention that he doesn't care about his own self worth. Which goes hand and hand with the keeping you from your friends.

You have to realize that if you break it off with him that the drinking and drugs will be HIS CHOICE, not yours. You can not beat yourself up about it.

All you can do is lay it on the line for him .. shape up or ship out. You have the future of your children to think of and quite frankly from what you are posting I dont think you see him in your life. Sorry to sound so harsh but it is reality.
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 4
view profile
History
Not attracted
Posted: 9/26/2008 5:48:06 PM
Instead of pointing out all of his flaws, for use to make fun of, whatever, why not acknowledge that you are not compatible with this man and move on with your life. Whatever he's doing, that's who he is and if it is not what you want, why are you with him? I get that he changed (people should be who they are from the beginning and we wouldn't run into so much of this) but now that you know the real him and you don't like it, don't waste your time trying to change him or nag him or put up with him doing that to you, break up...and sooner rather than later, because this is just a relationship of resentment that's going to end badly if you drag it out. As for the guilt trip, screw him, that's just BS, don't play that game and do not have it around your children. You should never have your children around someone who threatens you with blackmail, also you could lose them if your ex is gathering info against you and your boyfriend. Time to seriously move out refuse anymore contact.
 ~Milenko~
Joined: 3/28/2007
Msg: 5
Not attracted
Posted: 9/26/2008 5:48:17 PM
When he is out of town we get along great, and when he comes back we are great together, i should have clarified that. I cant stand him when we spend all day every day togehter, like he wasnt working for along time... and i saw him from the time i woke up to the time i went to bed.
 GeminiMan66
Joined: 7/28/2008
Msg: 6
Not attracted
Posted: 9/26/2008 5:48:41 PM
You are obviously not happy..

Don't come to the pof forums for validation..

Sit down and discuss with him why you are unhappy.....and both of you try to work it out..

If he's not interested in discussing it with you.....he obviously oblivious to your feelings.

Then go and have a break from him and wait until he comes to you...

Iam sure if he loves you he will listen to you.

good luck
 ~Milenko~
Joined: 3/28/2007
Msg: 7
Not attracted
Posted: 9/26/2008 5:49:45 PM
i have known him since i was in rgade 9, so i was 15. He was the fun person to be around, even when we started dating.
 ~Milenko~
Joined: 3/28/2007
Msg: 8
Not attracted
Posted: 9/26/2008 5:51:15 PM
one more thing, i am in school, i make my own money, i pay most the rent and bills and food!!
and this place is in my name. So dont automatically assume because i am a single mother i am reckless, and a leech.
 1DimensionalMan
Joined: 8/14/2008
Msg: 9
Not attracted
Posted: 9/26/2008 5:54:41 PM
"What can i do to get him to be more active, maybe cut back on eating, to better himself. And possibly work out too??"

Unfortunately you will probably have to leave him for this to happen but you could try to help him grow and become the man that you were initially attracted to. I think he is suffering from low self-esteem, insecurity, and the daunting fact that high school is over and life requires some difficult choices. You are not responsible for his feelings and quite possibly have become his crutch. Please seek some relationship counselling, if this is required or quite possibly for the benefit of your daughter. Take care.
 joclyn33
Joined: 6/21/2007
Msg: 10
Not attracted
Posted: 9/26/2008 5:55:57 PM
Not once did you mention any of the reasons you were attracted and drawn to him in the first place, perhaps you should try and concentrate and work on those thoughts, I find people all too quickly forget the good in people! *rolls eyes*
 hapeenurse
Joined: 5/5/2006
Msg: 11
Not attracted
Posted: 9/26/2008 5:58:21 PM
umm is there a question here somewhere?
you seem to make it preeeeeeeeeeeeeety clear in all of your messages that you've basically become revolted by the guy , is it fair to keep him around? for what? he deserves someone who thinks he's fantastic all the time.

Sure there will be ruts, but just from reading your words, as someone not at all involvedi n your situation , I can sense your feelings (or lack thereof) for him , he must have an idea something is up...
 Kickin Back 2008
Joined: 5/12/2008
Msg: 12
Not attracted
Posted: 9/26/2008 6:03:43 PM
I am sorry that your relationship seems to be on a downward spiral at this point in time. Sadly enough, habits do tend to change when you move in with someone. I can see why you are losing interest and it does not seem to be only his new proportioning that bothers you. It is his habits and personality traits that have you going out of your mind and losing interest.

Relationships are stressful enough without added on problems such as financial, family and so forth. It is good that he has finally stuck with a job and I hope he continues with it as that will relieve that stress. As for he and your ex not getting along, that is something that they need to get over. It only makes it harder for your daughter in the end. There is no need for that tension and the two of them to realize they are grown men and act accordingly. The next problem is his actually habits....you need to discuss some of these things with him. Just sit him down and explain that you would like to spend time together with him the way the two of you did in the past. And that also while you enjoy time with him, you value the time you are able to spend out with your friends alone. Encourage him to meet new people or go to the park and throw the ball around. Even go with him and make it a family outing at the park. Anything to get him up and out.

I hope that you are able to discuss your concerns with him and resolve some of these issues. Just be sure not to concentrate on his weight as the biggest problem. Once you get him back to the outgoing, stable guy he was previously the weight should stabilize as well. Good luck to you!!!
 Renaissance Man 1950
Joined: 7/13/2008
Msg: 13
Not attracted
Posted: 9/26/2008 6:15:01 PM
OP, it's simple. If you aren't attracted, it's time to say "good bye". You aren't married, and it's only been for 9 months, and you are noticing all sorts of things that are irritating and unattractive. You're a nice looking woman, so it's not like you won't ever find someone else. It will only get worse over time, so save both of you aditional heartache, and move on.
 TheLastCowboy
Joined: 9/22/2008
Msg: 14
Not attracted
Posted: 9/26/2008 6:28:39 PM
You're gorgeous...you support yourself...you're going to school...it's your place...you literally can't stand him...he sounds like a bum...make the move to someone who will really care for you without the BS and you'll be a lot happier...plain and simple...
 gnuru75
Joined: 6/17/2008
Msg: 15
Not attracted
Posted: 9/26/2008 6:53:28 PM

Now im not attracted to him, i love him alot....I cant stand him really, i like to get away.

I would question if you really love him or if it is simply familiarity which allows a feeling of security, consistency, and continuity based on the relationship rather than the person.
I think you simply don't wish to be judged for leaving him, have any sense of loss, or seem as though you are inconsistent.


What can i do to get him to be more active, maybe cut back on eating, to better himself. And possibly work out too??

Nothing except make both of your lives so unpleasant that either you, or he, will have to choose whether you want to change yourselves (potentially leading to greater unpleasantness), or discontinue the relationship.


do you think that the relationship is just not working out no more?

I think you answered that when you said "I can't stand him really, i like to get away."
 lifesabeach63
Joined: 2/27/2008
Msg: 16
Not attracted
Posted: 9/26/2008 7:13:16 PM
As far as trying to get him to lose weight and be more active. There is nothing that you can do for him. He has to want to do it for himself. I had dated someone for 6 months and he wasn't a small guy and I had no problem with that, but as time went on we both got comfortable with each other and both gained weight. He blames me for his weight gain, but I never once forced food down his throat.

You say that you aren't happy, then get out. It won't get any better. Another one of the reasons that we didn't make it is because he didn't have any friends. He would go to work and then go home. I on the other hand wanted to spend time with other people and am enjoying being single again and enjoying meeting new people and getting out with my friends. My ex also moved in with me for a very short period of time, but ended up moving out while I was at work.

Again, you aren't happy. What do you feel deep down in your heart? Be true to yourself--first last and always...whatever that takes.
 FriendlyFreeSpirit
Joined: 8/24/2008
Msg: 17
Not attracted
Posted: 9/26/2008 7:22:45 PM
OP, I think I understand where you're coming from.
You've known this guy a long time and you have always got on fine with him. But, since you've moved in together, he's changed from a fun-loving person to a fat, depressed, boring slob.
I suggest he moves out and you go back to dating again.
That way, you don't have to look at him all the time, you don't have to fight with your ex about him and you'll feel a lot less irritated and repulsed.
Also, if he still is turning you off big-time after downgrading the relationship to dating, break it off - gently, but firmly.
As far as his threats about killing himself, if he tries that again, suggest he sees a psychiatrist. That way, you're still acting like a friend but not getting sucked into his emotional blackmail.
Good luck! Have fun with your kids!
 blueangel33
Joined: 9/17/2008
Msg: 18
Not attracted
Posted: 9/26/2008 7:49:42 PM
Girl, you are young and beautiful, you sound like you love him but your not in love with him, You speak of his weakness'es and negatives but never his strengths or positives.
I don't think you are ready to settle down with this guy and he may never be the man for you. If you truly loved him you would love him from the inside out, not just what's on the out side.
Go out and enjoy your self, let him know your feelings because if you don't he will never know, communication is an important step in a relationship, without that you don't have a chance. Don't stay with him out of pity.

Good luck
 blkman4chat
Joined: 11/4/2007
Msg: 19
Not attracted
Posted: 9/26/2008 8:08:52 PM
well for one...you and him shouldnt have moved into a place together
you should only do that when you are in love
which would mean...you would accept him for all his faults
and try to work on making both of yourselves better in the process

but as i look at your age...i can see the problem already
the word love is seldom used but not true
 mibra
Joined: 8/30/2008
Msg: 20
Not attracted
Posted: 9/26/2008 10:22:26 PM

Well, you say yourself that you can't stand him. It's not very likely you'll be able to change him. So, what do you think about the relationship?

That's exactly what I am going to say.
Relationship.... there are a lot things out of expectation lol
 sweetgirl65
Joined: 10/8/2005
Msg: 21
Not attracted
Posted: 9/26/2008 11:07:11 PM
i agree with a few of the other people on here. you wrote this but yet you still wonder what can be done to fix your relationship......it sounds like you cant stand him and dont like anything about him. if you love him than you should accept him for him and if youcant do that then you dont need to be with him. most people dont actually change so i wouldnt suggest trying to do that.
 ImAHotMess
Joined: 7/11/2008
Msg: 22
Not attracted
Posted: 9/27/2008 4:37:32 AM
People can not change people. They are what they are. Personally, I would never have moved in together so fast. It takes time to get to know someone. The whole situation sounds personally too young and very much like a trainwreck. And people should not stay with other people in fear of the things they "may" go back too. You are only stuck in the middle if you stay in it. Your daughter's father has a right to not like someone you are describing. Make changes in your life, not this guy you live with. There is no question here if this is going to work out. It does not look like a relationship either. I do not have children, but I certainly would not expose them to this situation.
 stevelfun
Joined: 10/23/2005
Msg: 23
Not attracted
Posted: 9/27/2008 5:03:47 AM
Like 'alooooohaha' said.....

I cant stand him really, i like to get away..... And you are only have some 'doubts'??!?!?!

Sad that it seemed to 'go south', but better to cut and run now than to let it go on. The longer you let it go - the worse it will be for everyone involved.
 seekinbarrie
Joined: 10/12/2007
Msg: 24
Not attracted
Posted: 9/27/2008 5:14:05 AM
Either work it out (in whatever fashion) or walk out. I have the impression that you 'honestly feel' what is best for yourself; therefore, I shall not weigh in and validate a decision that is purely and truly only yours to make...you must take the responsibility for your life.

Here's the best advice that I am able to offer (as I am unaware of many of the nuances of your relationship). When you have a quiet moment, when you are not not 'dwelling' on the relationship, or anything that may annoy or cause you anxiety...ask yourself, without any emotional attachment "What should you do about this relationship?" When you find the right answer, you will experience peace, and you will know which path 'feels' best. As I said, only try this when you are calm. I suspect that you already know which way to go ;)

Namaste'
 Aerynn
Joined: 9/21/2008
Msg: 25
Not attracted
Posted: 9/27/2008 5:32:47 AM

I cant stand him really, i like to get away. [...] He told me if we broke up he would go back heavy into drinking again and probably the drugs he used to do. Total guilt trip.

You love him, but you can't stand him.

As others have said, you can't change a person. He sounds like a slob, a clingy type, and not afraid to use emotional blackmail to keep you with him. Me? I'd kick him to the curb.
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