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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > How do you deal with a parent your child has never met?      Home login  
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How do you deal with a parent your child has never met?Page 1 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
I went through this with my daughter. She came up to me when she was around ten or so and asked me about her father. I told her I would tell her everything when I thought she was mature enough to be able to handle it. When she was 16, I did. Told her absolutely everything I remembered about her father, including where I thought he was. Gave her the option to contact him.

She is now developing a relationship with her father and they are ecstatic they found each other.

Bottom line is: I always told her the truth, even if that truth was that I didn't think she was ready to hear it.
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 15
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How do you deal with a parent your child has never met?
Posted: 10/3/2008 7:11:46 AM
Juliet,
I've been in a similar situation (we divorced when I was pregnant, although he met her a few times, she was an infant and has no recollection).

Question: You have searched this man out, and spent some difficulty in doing so. Obviously it was important to you that your son know his father. I can see why, knowing a real person - regardless of type of person - is better than having the void and the curiosity.

OK, why the seemingly sudden bit of "oh jeez what am I going to do about this?" Is it the process that has you flummoxed or is it something else? Second thoughts? Good, bad or indifferent, you've opened the door and he has the right to be with his son. Far as I can tell, the process of how that happens is about all you have some say in at this point.
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 27
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How do you deal with a parent your child has never met?
Posted: 10/3/2008 4:19:39 PM
I'm more inclined to say that you'd broken up before you realized you were pregnant ... so he didn't know your son existed. It is the truth, and it does not add to abandonment issues. Young children are naturally egocentric and tend to place blame on themselves << that's what you want to avoid.

So Juliet, reading your subsequent posts... you do not know at this point if he wants to meet your son or if he would want to have an on-going relationship with him? Is that the heart of this issue?
 matthew12
Joined: 9/20/2008
Msg: 33
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Posted: 10/3/2008 5:46:39 PM
hello tell me if you get this
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 34
letter
Posted: 10/3/2008 6:17:00 PM
~OP~ My son was much much older, and didn't think his father was eaten by a shark but I knew the day would come when he'd want to know the sperm-donor. At nearly 17, he asked the question I had so dreaded. Unlike your situation, my son was basically a man. I felt he had a right to know and so I phoned his Dad (my husband adopted my son very early on ~ with the sperm donor willingly signing off his rights.) His Dad was opposed as I had suspected he would be, but, we both knew we had no choice. I called the donor, spoke at length with his wife and then him (AUGH, painful as it was...grrrr) and we made arrangements to meet face to face. I went with my son, to support him and to see that things would be OK. A "relationship" (of sorts) began between the two of them. Due to my concerns for my son, I embraced the new wife, the adorable little 1/2 siblings and I tried to deal with the donor as best as I could for my son's sake. Today, my son is much older and has his own situation with that person ~ and I no longer participate but I'm always ready to listen without judgments (although it's tough sometimes) because my son is my only concern. I think it's admirable you are willing to exchange pictures and to a least venture into communication with the father. That speaks volumes about you. It is such an uncomfortable situation ~ I do hope it works out positively for you all.
 Xcen
Joined: 4/7/2005
Msg: 36
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How do you deal with a parent your child has never met?
Posted: 10/3/2008 7:09:50 PM
OP
I just want to say that I disagree with Psst and her "protection" of her son. I have been around several children ranging in age from 9 to 20 that never knew their fathers (or sperm donors as some females prefer to refer to the donor that they once chose to be intimate with) and every one of those children had adaptation difficulties stemming from the lack of at least knowing what their real parent was like. When a child doesnt know a missing parent they always wonder, they can construct fantasies, they can feel "different" than all the other kids who know their parents, they may feel incomplete. It is my opinion that a child is better off knowing their real parents , I stress real parent. They should have enough contact to know good, bad, indifferent. That at least will fill the empty spot in their mind, their heart, and their inner ego. If they choose to then exclude one or both parent from their lives at least they have the satisfaction of knowing the person and knowing why they arent interested in having a relationship. I think you are doing the correct thing in pursuing contact with the father. Having said that you need to stay handy during meetings (until your son feels comfy without your presence) and let your son determine how often he wishes any continued contact. For your sons sake I hope the guy takes an interest in him. Whatever happens I think your son , in the long run, will be better off meeting him. Best wishes in navigating this adventure. Focus on what is best for your son.
 Xcen
Joined: 4/7/2005
Msg: 39
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How do you deal with a parent your child has never met?
Posted: 10/3/2008 9:34:23 PM
LOL,
Juliet,,,,,,,yes a lot of ppl just read your original post and formulate their response based on it alone and dont continue to digest the new facts you related in subsequent posts. Its good you never fabricated a shark story to explain the absence of your sons father. Always be honest with you son because if you "protect" him from the truth more than likely it will come around and bite you in the ,,,,errr spot. Your son is showing a natural curiosity as is the father. Its a good foundation point. By and large "fatherless" children nurture various types of abandonment scars, which can lead to feeling incomplete, even worthless , inferior, or a human reject. I think both you and your son will reap rewards from your efforts. Make it an adventure, take pictures,,write up little "summaries" as you journey along. Make the best of the chance and he now have. And do let us know how things are going.
 ChocolateNutt
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 43
How do you deal with a parent your child has never met?
Posted: 10/5/2008 4:53:47 PM
I have a couple questions.

In your original post, you said that you told the father, that he wanted you to have an abortion and that you informed him you would NOT be aborting. Why was he surprised to find out you hadn't had an abortion when you tracked him down?

Why would you have tracked him down at all? He made it clear by asking you to abort that he didn't want the child. I'm curious as to the motives behind your action.

I have not ever tried to contact my daughter's father. He made it very clear when I told him I was pregnant that he did not want to be her parent. He doesn't believe in abortion, so his solution was that I HAD to give her up for adoption. I have always felt that I would rather have no man in my child's life than a man who is being forced to be there or who will waver back and forth in his commitment and kindness to her.

Nutt
 Rythmn
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 46
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How do you deal with a parent your child has never met?
Posted: 10/6/2008 12:19:00 AM
not clear if you sent the picture. not clear if the father wants to see his birth child. however, the above reference to medical history is very important, no matter what. ask the birth father to, at least, write down what he knows about both sides of his family. you never know, if you will need something from him (medically) or your son for that matter when he gets older. also find out if he has your son's half-siblings as you never know, what years down the pike might mean for all of them.

as your son gets older, use the info to influence his options and values as a young man with respect to his responsibilities to the young women in his life. hopefully, he has other male role models to help him along, while the birth dad situation unfolds for you.

just take it one day at a time and do not project, until you know the facts. also, give it a while until you share with the boy and until your own anxiety quels. right now sounds like you are anxious about the unknown. so, over time, it will be known. i do this with my adopted kids. we deal with the facts and that often times people are too young or perhaps with too much misfortune or unstacked decks, to deal with parenthood. after that, he will do his own "processing" as he gets older. again, the most important thing for him, is to get him "some" solid male role models who you can count upon as friends, teachers, neighbors, mentors. it does take a village! if the birth dad steps up to the plate (in a good way), well that's just icing on the cake.
 Cynderella
Joined: 3/8/2007
Msg: 55
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How do you deal with a parent your child has never met?
Posted: 10/18/2008 4:30:22 PM
You are in my thoughts that all goes well...
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