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Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > Do we use the same critera for our friends as our dates?      Home login  
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 erm1956
Joined: 2/20/2007
Msg: 1
Do we use the same critera for our friends as our dates?Page 1 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
Ok, by this age we've all gotten pretty picky. We all have our deal breakers that will kill a relationship. My question is do we apply those same rules to our friends? We may have some of our friends longer than we have spouses, but do we overlook shortcomings in our friends that would be considered toxic in a partner. What brought this to mind is that you see lists of things that people will reject members of the opposite sex on, such as drugs, lying, fidelity, abandoning their children, etc. Yet they will have friends that do these same things. So do we compromise our principles for the sake of friendship, yet be uncompromising when it comes to love?
 erm1956
Joined: 2/20/2007
Msg: 2
Do we use the same critera for our friends as our dates?
Posted: 10/3/2008 9:21:05 PM
I agree that we often are only concerned with those things that affect us directly. I also agree that most people tend to bend the rules when it suits them. I think if we were as picky about our friends as our dates, we would have very few friends. Case in point, your best friend is cheating on her husband. Do you tell her, we can't be friends because of this or do you just take a "it's none of my business because it doesn't effect me" attitude. I always have trouble being friends with anyone who regularly engages in disreputable behavior. It’s not a matter of being judgmental; it’s about their bad behavior offending me. Like being around a racist, they are entitled to their options, but I don’t want to hear them.
 rustytraveler
Joined: 4/30/2007
Msg: 3
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Do we use the same critera for our friends as our dates?
Posted: 10/3/2008 11:06:10 PM
What I think is interesting about the point Erm......is that we all have friends who are imperfect, whether from next door or something in common that we end up doing together because of mutual interest....some last and some don't... and some we put up with because you share a mutual past and have gone through many things in life together, you've shared your mistakes, tribulations, fears and joys.....so you don't sweat the little stuff, they've become a part of us.

I have a friend from high school who has a heart as big as Texas....but like 15 yrs ago she found Jesus...and has been a pain in the butt ever since....even so we find that ground which works and we still care about what happens to each other, because we have history.

I also remember my first boyfriend who used to harass me unmercifully....always getting into fights, pulling my hair, knocking me out of trees, I had to smack him upside the head more than once ...until one day I noticed him flinching when he leaned against a tree....asked what's up? And took a look, his back was criss crossed with belt lashes that his dad had given him the night before.....I don't know.....but something just went 'rip' in my heart.....and we started talking for real.

I suppose what I'm trying to say is that.....people are complex, send conflicting messages, life happens, imperfection is rampant and when I see all these lists on pof and other places.......looking for an "Ideal" instead of being open and aware that the 'differences' are what makes us who we are, people rarely, hardly ever, never... reveal or even KNOW who they are....in 3 emails or 30......knowing people takes time, body language, good will, patience and a real desire to connect to another human being.....just how can any of that happen if we don't take a minute to even be interested in more than superficialities???

Yes we've all made mistakes, bet on a wrong horse, had bad timing, ignorance and wishful thinking....and no, we don't want those things to happen again......and yes we should be old enough to know better by now. But no 'list' of requirements is any guarantee that anyone else will tell the truth about themselves .....know it now or be forever disappointed!

To me the only solution is to talk, meet, see and feel who they are.....and just like our sometimes precious and imperfect friends that we carry through our lives in good times and bad........learn to open your hearts a little to the other imperfect ones out here in the Matrix.....just take a minute....what have you got to lose?
'Course if they just want a screw.....that's another kettle of fish ....... .
 Dancing_4_You
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 4
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Do we use the same critera for our friends as our dates?
Posted: 10/4/2008 1:23:14 AM
for me:
for a "date" to become an ltr, he must also be a friend. there are people who i love, who i could never live with. there are people i love who i can never be attracted to. those are other issues. a great friend, a great lover, a great mutual attraction, someone who i "love" and who loves me and then "the clincher": someone i can live with (and vice versa) is the ultimate recipe for a partner.

when you take on a mate, the deal breaker is often about how to live together and how to communicate and compromise on a daily basis--w/o losing your soul and your sense of self! you must also be adept at preserving the passion and the romance. very simple, yet very complicated. luck? fate? destiny? skill? practice? many lives? not sure yet, but i am giving it one heck of a whirl!

experiment: try sleeping in the same bed with your best friend for 30 days! forget the sex, just totally experience the snoring. then, you may hold them to a higher degree of excellence!
 Maculon
Joined: 8/24/2008
Msg: 5
Do we use the same critera for our friends as our dates?
Posted: 10/4/2008 4:04:50 AM
Good topic OP. This position just contributes to the current cesspool of moral bankruptcy that is so pervasive in our society.

I used to compromise with friends and no longer do, the result? Far less friends and I use the term friend judiciously. I had a female friend that was crazy in the clubs and would regularly pull the parking lot sex car sex thing almost weekly. I just took the position that hey, your a slut, your behavior is trash and I don't like it, Bottom line? Knock it off or get out out of my life. She got out of my life, so what's the loss? Nothing. Dozens of these people...It's not a case of align yourself with my morals or go, it's a case of removing the drama, establishing a balance, gaining some peace and more - and I will share with you, life is better, far better without attempting to compromise with your friends for the sheer sake of compromise.

When I was married I had to sit through all the holidays with family/friends/in laws etc. I never could sit at the table and look at them without thinking about compromising. I'm like WTF am I doing here? Who made these rules? Get out of my house and I don't give a crap if it's the holidays.

I'm looking at a brother in laws that is cheating on his wife, another that just burned their office building for an insurance pay out, another faking some type of auto accident claim, another that....

I am totally against the BS of excepting people for how they are when it includes ignoring the flaws. This position just contributes to the current cesspool of moral bankruptcy that is so pervasive in our society. I have flaws, scars, and a memory. When you accept me, you accept the good and the bad or you don't, period.
 oldsoul
Joined: 3/10/2007
Msg: 6
Do we use the same critera for our friends as our dates?
Posted: 10/4/2008 4:41:45 AM
I just touched on that on another thread but the answer for me is yes. I look for the same qualities in a friend as I do in a partner. Minus the sexual attraction factor of course:)

But I couldn't be friends with someone I don't respect, and I couldn't respect someone who abandoned their children or didn't contribute to their up-bringing for example - male or female makes no difference.

That doesn't mean I couldn't be friendly with that person at work or exchange a few pleasantries over the fence with them as a neighbor....we're just not going to be best friends that's all.

And that's not being a hypocrite either...it's just the opposite IMO...it's trying to keep my daily normal everyday interactions with people separate from my personal life.

The way I see it is that I have no control over who I work with or who moves next door to me. But I get to choose who is allowed to come into my life on a personal level and my rules are the same for anyone who enters my personal space, whether as a friend or lover or (potential) partner.



JMO

 dysfunction_junction
Joined: 7/17/2008
Msg: 7
Do we use the same critera for our friends as our dates?
Posted: 10/4/2008 5:36:49 AM
basically, the only difference between my friends and my dates is the physical/sexual attraction thing. i could not maintain any kind of a civil relationship with people who lie & cheat & sleazebag their way through life. toxic is toxic. and i felt the same way about it 30 years ago as i do now.
 Smart Lass
Joined: 6/9/2008
Msg: 8
Do we use the same critera for our friends as our dates?
Posted: 10/4/2008 5:57:25 AM
Minus the physical attraction and a few of my friends do smoke, but are trying very hard to quit, yes I do look for the same qualities.

My friends and I all have the same set of principles and morals. We are all good, hardworking, honest people who are very grounded in reality.

Years ago, I had a very good friend who was involved with a verbally abusive boyfriend for many years. When she finally did break it off with him and met a wonderful man who truly loved her, they became engaged and started to plan a wedding. Then one night she called me and told me the "abuser" had called her and wanted to see her and asked what she should do. I told her to ignore him and to keep moving forward with her life, but this guy was like an addiction for her. She told me she wanted to see him and was going to. This decision led to a very big arguement between the two of us and eventually the demise of our friendship. While she told me I was judging her and not being a good friend by not supporting her decision, I told her I was being a good friend because I was trying to keep her from going back to a very destructive life and cared about her and told her the truth. She didn't want to hear the truth and went back to the abuser and that was the end of our friendship.

While I don't like to think of myself as judgemental, I do know there are certain things I could never put up with from anyone regardless of the type of relationship I had with them. Those things would include lying, cheating, betrayal and hypocrisy, I don't find those traits attractive in anyone.
 btj_rv
Joined: 12/9/2007
Msg: 9
Do we use the same critera for our friends as our dates?
Posted: 10/4/2008 6:58:33 AM
I think that dates tend to have similar characteristics as friends. Even if not very apparent. Most of the women I've dated are very similar in character as the friends I've had. Neither was better than the other. If a person were to evaluate the history of dating relationships they have had they more likely than not would find a pattern of similarities among the partners.
 AndrewTS
Joined: 9/11/2008
Msg: 10
Do we use the same critera for our friends as our dates?
Posted: 10/4/2008 7:11:19 AM
When it comes to finding a date, I'm not in a postition where I could employ such luxuries as "criteria". Basically, if a two-hundred year old mummy of a bearded nun replied to one of my pleas (sent out rigorously on this site), I'd show up on her doorstep in a jiffy.

Maybe I am trying too hard? Many people do say indeed that I'm trying, very trying.

I have put down one criteria, though: The tiger effect. It first came up when I went on a date with this woman. She told me her address on the phone, and started to say something else, to which I replied, in a hurried fashion, "I'll look it up on the map. Please don't give me directions." So then we settled on the time I'd pick her up at, and we hung up after an hour's worth of satisfying conversation. (Intellectually satisfying, and socially. I ain't no pervert, and, alas, so wasn't she.)

I show up at her place -- only to find that the street address leads to a set of townhomes. They all have the same street address, and then they have their unit numbers. Which she did not give to me. I wasted an hour going from one clump of buildings to the next, looking at the list of their occupants. She was not listed.

I got really pissed off: Was it malice or stupidity that she left out that piece of very important information? I figured it was stupidity, because I like to choose the path of lesser evil each time. Then I thought: If we were in a forest, in the jungle, foraging for edible plants, back 50-60 thousand years ago, and a sabre-toothed tiger appeard behind my back, fully visible to her, she'd still be talking to me in the same voice, about the same mundane things that we'd been; she would not have the skills (stupidity) or motivation (malice) to tell me there is a tiger behind me.

So there and then I decided that the one thing that I shan't tolerate from a potential date is a lapsed or missing action when I need her to call out a great danger to me. That is so effing basic, that it cannot be ignored.

Other than that, I'll take anything that goes on a date with me.

Oh: a date does not mean potential relationship. That, my one and only true friends, is a totally different vat of beeswax.
 bullielover62
Joined: 12/2/2006
Msg: 11
Do we use the same critera for our friends as our dates?
Posted: 10/4/2008 11:25:53 AM

She told me her address on the phone, and started to say something else, to which I replied, in a hurried fashion, "I'll look it up on the map. Please don't give me directions." So then we settled on the time I'd pick her up at, and we hung up after an hour's worth of satisfying conversation. (Intellectually satisfying, and socially. I ain't no pervert, and, alas, so wasn't she.)

I show up at her place -- only to find that the street address leads to a set of townhomes. They all have the same street address, and then they have their unit numbers. Which she did not give to me. I wasted an hour going from one clump of buildings to the next, looking at the list of their occupants. She was not listed.

I got really pissed off: Was it malice or stupidity that she left out that piece of very important information?

Sorry, but am I the only one here that's caught on to the moral of this story??

Let a woman finish her statement or find yourself in the forest, cold, hungry and alone with a tiger on yer tail.



OT: No compromises. EVER.
 jonibgood
Joined: 5/9/2008
Msg: 12
Do we use the same critera for our friends as our dates?
Posted: 10/4/2008 12:07:31 PM
My dear friends are what I'm looking for in a mate, only they're female!
 Childlike Wonder
Joined: 10/21/2007
Msg: 13
Do we use the same critera for our friends as our dates?
Posted: 10/4/2008 1:00:54 PM
Not all of the same criteria applies. I don't see myself sleeping with or living with my friends, so certain behaviors and annoyances are easier to overlook.
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 14
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Do we use the same critera for our friends as our dates?
Posted: 10/4/2008 1:29:31 PM
I have said for several years now that if I could find a man who was the type of people my friends are, he would be a keeper. Unfortunately, such a fellow doesn't seem to exist anymore, so I don't date.
 Chocolatebrowne
Joined: 1/19/2006
Msg: 15
Do we use the same critera for our friends as our dates?
Posted: 10/4/2008 6:15:16 PM
Absolutely! Because if I couldn't feel comfortable as your friend, why in the world would I want to date you????

That's a no-brainer!
 Winter_Bouquet
Joined: 8/8/2008
Msg: 16
Do we use the same critera for our friends as our dates?
Posted: 10/4/2008 6:41:46 PM
Approximately the same criteria, but I'm more finicky about hygiene and odor in someone I'm going to get intimate with!
 Chocolatebrowne
Joined: 1/19/2006
Msg: 17
Do we use the same critera for our friends as our dates?
Posted: 10/4/2008 6:43:16 PM
You are funny, winter bouquet, but so correct! My friend's sexual histories are their personal business, but the sexual history of someone I would establish an intimate relationship with is VERY MUCH my business!
 jackster121
Joined: 9/2/2008
Msg: 18
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Do we use the same critera for our friends as our dates?
Posted: 10/4/2008 7:32:20 PM
This is a great question and to answer it straight, you are corect we allow things to slide with friends that would drive us beserk in a partner.
A story:
I used to teach parenting classes and I made the point that we are nicer to our friends than our childre. This comment always drew looks from my audience. I would give the example if your friend were at your house and spilled a dink on the sofa, your first reaction would be,"oh don't worry about" and you would clean it up. If your child spills something, "It's Tommy haow many times have i told you. . . or "look, you ruined my sofa.
We are nicer to strangers than our kids and nicer to friends than the one we "LOVE"
Again, great question.
 beehearnow
Joined: 9/28/2007
Msg: 19
Do we use the same critera for our friends as our dates?
Posted: 10/4/2008 8:20:28 PM
for the most part - yes.
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 20
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Do we use the same critera for our friends as our dates?
Posted: 10/4/2008 8:34:50 PM
I hold my friends to the same high standards that they hold me too, and I don't regret it for a moment. My friends are very long term. What is mine is their, and what is their's is mine we are that close. I don't have to overlook bad behaviour on their part nor they on my behalf. We know right from wrong and act accordingly. No wonder I expect a date to have to same good character. Why would I date them if they didn't.........answer.............I wouldn't.
 AndrewTS
Joined: 9/11/2008
Msg: 21
Do we use the same critera for our friends as our dates?
Posted: 10/4/2008 10:20:42 PM
"
Approximately the same criteria, but I'm more finicky about hygiene and odor in someone I'm going to get intimate with!
"

I agree, and love your choice for the word "finicky". I can see you in bed, or on the couch, watching a Julie Andrews movie with your lover when his feet start to smell all of a sudden. You start to fidget. You get uncomfortable, and at first it doesn't enter your conscious yet why this is so. You fidget, in a finicky sort of way, and ask him, "Honey, is it you who keeps letting out this terrible stink?"
 erm1956
Joined: 2/20/2007
Msg: 22
Do we use the same critera for our friends as our dates?
Posted: 10/4/2008 11:33:53 PM
a little clarification here. I'm not talking about sexual requirements and I'm not talking only about opposite sex friends. I'm also thinking same sex friends as well. If you abhor dating a player, would you allow yourself to be friends with someone of your own gender who was a player too?
 AndrewTS
Joined: 9/11/2008
Msg: 23
Do we use the same critera for our friends as our dates?
Posted: 10/5/2008 3:10:27 AM
"would you allow yourself to be friends with someone of your own gender who was a player too?"

Heck, why not? I'm a player, so what's the big deal?

Why is everyone pretending to be so pretty pink-bottomed squeeky clean and virginal white on this site? Both on their outsite and in the insite. I'd venture to guess that 80% of those who post here are all players. Without, of course, naming names. At least that's what my dating experience has been showing with women on this site, and I have no reason to doubt that the men are the same.

Mind you, I can see that the forum conversations would not go too far if we all were into heavy self-bashing.

Person A: "Hey, I was bad. Always have been."

Person B: "Yeah, me too."

Where can you go to after that? End of conversation.
 AndrewTS
Joined: 9/11/2008
Msg: 24
Do we use the same critera for our friends as our dates?
Posted: 10/5/2008 3:15:10 AM
"Let a woman finish her statement or find yourself in the forest, cold, hungry and alone with a tiger on yer tail."

As we speak, I'm actively letting some women finish their statements. Have been for years.
 junipermoon
Joined: 3/1/2006
Msg: 25
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Do we use the same critera for our friends as our dates?
Posted: 10/5/2008 5:14:44 AM
pretty much the same criteria stands for friendship as well as romance. i don't tolerate self-absorption, self-pity, an inflated concept of self, whining, manipulation, rage, mania or emotional dependence. after a bad experience with someone presenting all of these characteristics, i learned to keep my guard up and avoid toxic individuals.

i consider myself fortunate that i have a handful of healthy, caring people for whom i would walk through fire. i moved recently, and it absolutely blew me away how my friends pitched in, carrying heavy furniture, helping me clean, driving the moving truck and packing boxes. i tend to give of myself and my time, but rarely expect anyone else to help me. so i think the experience deepened my bond with these people and allowed us to appreciate each other even more.
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