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 strongandquiet
Joined: 6/30/2007
Msg: 1
should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationshipPage 1 of 13    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13)
I have met another individual whom we have a lot in common, however there is a significant age differance between us, other than that, we are like two peas in a pod. It is almost like each other answers the others question before it is even asked, the age differance is great over 30 years differance and we have discussed this between ourselves 1) i do not want to feel like robbing the cradle and 2) she does not want to feel like she is sleeping with her dad. so far we have had no intimacy because of societies standards and our own standards , any other comments from any one? This is just not a weeks meeting, but we have stayed distant from each other for 1 year now, because of the age differance, and that is the only reason, there is no other barriers.
 strongandquiet
Joined: 6/30/2007
Msg: 2
should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/4/2008 6:45:41 AM
Thanks I appreciate the point of view and will graciously take it under consideration however I have never been stimulated intellectually and I will admitt it is truly bizarre.
 Ron9
Joined: 8/10/2004
Msg: 3
should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/4/2008 6:55:12 AM
While I think gals 10-12 younger than me ARE my age group (20 year ex is 49 now) - 30 years is in my thinking - being unrealistic. Also more or less being unfair to her.

While it is flattering to me - I discourage the gals that are under about 45 when they contact me - or “eyeball” me out in real life.

I just think it would be unfair to them (no matter what my weinersnitzel thinks).
 strongandquiet
Joined: 6/30/2007
Msg: 4
should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/4/2008 7:12:10 AM
Thank you for your honest approach, that is why I possed the question, it gives me , many things to consider, as I do care about the impact I leave on another. Life is just not going about what ever makes you feel good, but more so how the impact will eventually leave the other and sense I am the one that is more mature I must take the lead to protect the other, called responsability and accountability.
 Coati
Joined: 12/4/2004
Msg: 5
should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/4/2008 7:24:07 AM
Just a thought here, but is it really a sexual relationship that the two of you are looking for? It sounds as if the two of you are very close already - but you might find that once between the sheets things change and get a little awkward.

I had a similar experience (although not so large of an age-difference) when I was 28 and very good friends with a 20 year old. Things happened, we got intimate, and suddenly found that all of a sudden our friendship had changed into something neither of us recognized... It got quite messy.

My feeling is that the older we are, the more mature we are about this stuff and the better we're able to handle things like an age difference... But until we get that life experience behind us we're still not ready for such things - despite the fact we might think we are.

All of which is just a long-winded way of saying that I think you're getting yourself ready to be severely hurt - albeit unintentionally by her. Much, much better in my opinion to just stay very close friends and allow her to live her own life, as someone before me pointed out.
 strongandquiet
Joined: 6/30/2007
Msg: 6
should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/4/2008 7:57:43 AM
Thanks a person who uses a mutitude of counselors is not only wise with wisdom, but when coupled with knowledge, and understanding will make a wise descision.

I truly appreciate everyones input and concern, as I stated earlier we have not had any intimate encounters as that is not in either of our natures, we are both extremely cautious, but there is a force and I will try to explain it the best way I can.

Have you ever had a thought as simple as 1+1=2 and before you even finished it, the other completed it. I am greatly over simplifying this as I truly am looking for my best 1/2 to simply compliment me and not to complete me.

Since my legal seperation was brought into question, and money was thrown into the mix also by others, lets just say because of money seperation has been going on for over 4 years ,so emotionally I am over it, and have lived on my own, it is amazing to me how a few can be so quick to criticize others, I created the money before and I will create it again, as money, intelligence, capacity,capability, and all requirements for existance, God willing will be provided, as God has been better to me than I deserve, and I am forever humble under his presence, I was just asking for wise counsel from others and things to consider of which I had not pondered, do not get me wrong but as always when some have their own agenda, they prefer to destroy the messenger, when they cannot destroy the messege, as I was just asking a simple question to start with.
 jackster121
Joined: 9/2/2008
Msg: 7
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should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/4/2008 8:43:33 AM
Well, i have said this before as a reply but it's true. The only factor to consider is that as we age, the process increases exponentially. For example from 20 to 30 not much change from 60 to 70 a lot of change so she needs to be aware that although you will each be getting older at the same rate, you will be aginging much faster and is she in it for the long haul if, God forbid, you were to succumb to one of the many medical conditions associated with age.
 PickyProfessional
Joined: 2/3/2007
Msg: 8
should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/4/2008 9:25:14 AM
op,
only if you let it become an issue.

personally, i'd never get serious with someone more than 10 yrs my junior, but for shorter term relationships (maybe 6 mos up to 3 yrs), no problemo. i figure it's all good now and no long-term issues, so who cares about age? (lol unless they're older than me which a turn off! hey, a girl has her preferences, ya know? ;)~~
 YingKissesYang
Joined: 5/12/2005
Msg: 9
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should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/4/2008 9:31:26 AM
Yes, I vote to delete this thread. The good news is, I am sure OP and his daughter are on the same level of emotional maturity. Given his ability to use this forum properly, and learn from others 100's of past threads...
 strongandquiet
Joined: 6/30/2007
Msg: 10
should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/4/2008 9:41:43 AM
I have considered the affects of aging, as I have seen my seniors using their wealth to preserve their health. I started dying the day I was born, and truly believe by what I have seen thru pure science without any preconceived notions 1) There is a God 2) I am not God 3) So thankful he is in control and not me 4) Allows me to just be me by conditions of mercy and grace, and not by works.

Let's just say with all other things being equal, I have never been challenged mentally, as any woman can attest to the true way to her heart, is not thru her body, but threw her mind 1st.To believe otherwise is just purely seeking lust for lusts sake,or to satisfy ones own personal needs.
 dave1234
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 11
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should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/4/2008 9:47:21 AM
With today's extended life span and medical advancements I see no reason not to go for it. At 53 you can easily maintain an active lifestyle for another 20 years and how many relationships last 20 years? A friend of mine is in his mid 70's and he just finished reshingling his roof in the country!

Unless that young lady has been living under a rock she's well aware of life. Young people know more today than ever before and she's making a choice. Maybe she doesn't want the young lifestyle of club hopping and all night parties, struggling to pay the rent, driving a car that constantly requires repairs, a boyfriend who is forever eyeing her girlfriends.........the list goes on.

If you both feel good together that's all that's necessary. This idea of "things in common" is nonsense. My partner and I dealt with differing native languages, religion, culture, political views, education levels and salary along with a nine year age difference. We never had a problem over the last 12 years!

If two people want to be together they will do things together because they enjoy being together. It's just that simple.

Don't let convention or friends/family deter you. It's your life and if that's the lady who turns your crank then go for it. Far too often people discount "chemistry" and seek things that have absolutely no bearing on a romantic relationship.

If you both want to be together then that's the answer, be together.
 strongandquiet
Joined: 6/30/2007
Msg: 12
should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/4/2008 10:27:18 AM
So with life being a journey that one was blessed with, would you care to share psitive as well as negative lessons learned from your experience, and would you have been the person you are today either with or without the experience, purely curious and trying to learn prior to making a decision.
 CompletelyDone
Joined: 8/12/2007
Msg: 13
should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/4/2008 11:16:28 AM
S&Q... I believe from the way you've written and responded to the existing posts that you already know what the answer is to the question you are posing here. While you say that you and this young lady have "a lot in common", I am baffled as to what that could be. You are both breathing... You are both human... You both have wants, needs, hopes & dreams... You may both have the same sense of humour... You may enjoy the same recreational activities... But in the place where "things in common" truly reside, she has not yet begun to have anything in common with you.

She doesn't know what it is to be 30, 40 or 50. She doesn't know what it feels like to be divorced or to have had relationships go sour. She doesn't know what it feels like to be in love with someone who can share with her, all the things she is experiencing at her age. She doesn't know what it means to have worked for 30 years. She may or may not have owned a home. She may or may not have had to figure out ways to work through problems, overcome challenges or defuse conflicts. Even if she's taken a dip in any of these baths, she has no where near your experience with all of these things. And she certainly, doesn't know what it means to be 53.

Because of this, the playing field between you can never be level. You will always have the advantage of the hindsight of your experiences with life that she doesn't have.

People say that age is just a number - particularly, when they're young - but it is far more than just a number. We are, the collective result of all of our experiences in this life and with hers being so much less than yours, what she will be has yet to be determined.

If you truly care about her, care enough to let her have those experiences instead of living vicariously through yours.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 14
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should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/4/2008 11:25:23 AM
Yes, my friend you are far too old for her and probably extremely flattered by the attention from a young girl. I am sure her family would strongly object to her dating you as well. Can I assume your social circles are quite different? You would look pretty foolish clubbing and she would feel out of place if the women your own age were showing her pictures of their grand kids. At 51 you have been married, had a family and the opportunities to travel, live, work and foster adult relationships. She was sitting in a high school classroom only a few years ago. What on earth could you possibly have in common with a girl this age? A hobby? A love of books? You are completely kidding yourself. Do you think you could not find compatibility in a far more appropriate package?
If she was a 35 year old woman my advice would be quite different. But compared to you this young lady is a kid. She has not even begun to live her life yet. To hook up with a man your age is a complete waste of her time and yours. Plus, you are still married, no matter how long you have been separated. You still have a lot of unfinished business.
Allow her the freedom she needs to become her own person, she needs to be silly, she needs to be immature and must be allowed to make stupid mistakes so she learns from them and grows up. Dating her Grandfather will not make her life any better.
 GoneSailinBabe
Joined: 7/6/2008
Msg: 15
should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/4/2008 11:33:55 AM
Well shoot.

The phrase "you can't teach an old dog new tricks" keeps playing in my head here.

Not that I think you're an old dog.
I don't.

But I have yet to meet a 50+ man who wants something and will LISTEN to anyone else's advice.

I mean come on. It just does not happen.
You can't change an old man's mind.

So while I can clearly read and see that you've asked for advice and you've been really cordial and gracious in replying to the poster's who have provided it....

I think it's really unlikely you're gonna give any of it, any second thought.
You're going to do what you want to do.
You always were.
And I would guess that your children will probably have a great many objections regarding your relationship - but just like all the other old men who find a hot young thing while divorcing chubby old mom - you'll ignore your children because suddenly you're intellectually stimulated.

My ass.
You're thrilled and your blood is zinging because a 23 year old wants to be with you.

Who can blame you?
Everytime a 20-something asks me out (and it happens ALOT!) I think to myself "yeah yeah boy!" and then I look at myself naked in the mirror - and yeah, I'm still fine - but I'm not 23 year old fine. Additionally I have sons that age.

I will say the same damn thing I say to everyone else who thinks this is a "good" idea.

Grow the hell up and stop the nonsense. She's a child compared to you and what you're thinking of is not right, morally, ethically or to her parents.

Here's a really good tip - since you're so wise and mature.

If you can look her DAD in the eye before you f_^k her?
Then it's ok.

But I'll bet you can't. Because he's 15 years younger than you.
Stop what you've done before it goes any further.
She deserves a life.
 emerson20013
Joined: 9/16/2008
Msg: 16
should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/4/2008 12:05:40 PM
If you truly love each other, I don't think age should be a barrier. You've already overcome the problem of not having anything in common, because obviously you do, or you wouldn't be interested in each other. My mom is around 15 years older than my stepdad, they've been married for around 20 years, and are still very much in love and very happy. I know lots of couple's with larger age differences-their age difference does not determine their relationship-they do. Real love can overcome obstacles much more difficult than age differences, I say give it a shot, or you both might regret it always!
 Myrna43
Joined: 7/6/2006
Msg: 17
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should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/4/2008 2:23:30 PM
If you are both adults I say go for it. I have always been attracted to and dated older men some at least 30 years my senior. I see nothing wrong with it at all.
 bcsofnc57
Joined: 11/20/2007
Msg: 18
should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/4/2008 4:30:44 PM
More than 30 years age difference is huge. At least from a biological stand point you are old enough to be her grandfather. When one of my aunts was 53, she had a 23 year old grandson. She had her first child at 15, then that child had her first at 15. Too young, but you see the point.
 bcsofnc57
Joined: 11/20/2007
Msg: 19
should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/4/2008 4:40:25 PM

How old is Hugh Hefner? Why do the young ones still go for him?

That is very easy, he has lots of money. A man could be 120 years old, 3 foot tall, weigh 900 pounds, have just one eye in the center of his forehead, bald, have blisters with green ooze coming out of them, smell worse than a port a john and be the nastiest s.o.b. that ever lived, but if he had lots of money, there would still be some very young women that would love to hook up with him. Sad but true.
 kellygrl51
Joined: 9/21/2008
Msg: 20
should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/4/2008 6:25:25 PM
Enjoy it while you can. Just don't make her feel guilty when she moves on...
 strongandquiet
Joined: 6/30/2007
Msg: 21
should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/4/2008 6:28:11 PM
Excuse me do you reallybelieve that, I asked for help and other options/opinions to consider,

Why would I do that, if 1st) I was not truley conscerned of others welfare before my own. 2nd) do you think great wealth is a gift 3rd) I spent a greater part of my life following others , when they assemibly so to speak , and had the plan. 4th) I just want to be honest simple and who I am before others. The question then becomes what do you have to hide? What scares you in your past? Please believe me some have offered exceptionally great advice and many things to ponder on my part, and I consider it to be of great value as I am not God but merely a servant on his stage. I am never poised to take advantange of another, even though I could do it at any second. For some of you I will really understand if you never understand, for others I welcome your advice.
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 22
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should age difference be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/5/2008 11:58:49 AM
It makes a huge difference, how could it not? When you are actually looking, feeling and being very old she will be young and stuck. I saw my mother go through this, when she began to have the usual aging problems, her 25 year younger than her husband started not seeing her as his partner but as a burden and as a very old woman. She could no longer pretend she looked younger, she missed out on all the parts of life where you age together and where you have friends with common interests, and where you feel good about yourself...because she was always trying to be part of his age group. It was sad and embarrassing and it had disaster written all over it. Mind you there were married for 26 years, it was not a fling from some old cougar after a young stud, but in the end, when she really needs him and is unable to really take care of herself, he's (of course) gone and ran off with a much younger woman.

So it depends on what you want and how long you want it. Sure it can work, depends on your idea of what 'works' mean and depends on how secure you are about yourself. I detest robbing the cradle myself, I think the young people should be unmolested by the desires of the aging looking to grab them a bit of young stuff, I would feel just as much a pedophile as if they were underage, I mean men my son's age, men my daughters would date, just too icky for my tastes. But to each his own. I do know that the chances of lasting more than 5-10 years is doubtful and depending on if that's enough for you and depending on how much consideration you give to where it places the younger person, we all see success differently.

Then there's children. It's very hard to have a much older parent, it's very hard to be a much older parent, it's very unlikely you will be there for them when they really need a strong father role model and it's highly likely you will burden them at a young age. I see very few positives here, but that's only my opinion.

I have no attraction to young men but if I did, I would hope I had enough respect for them to not use them, which is how I see most of these relationships, not all of course, but most.
 dave1234
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 23
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should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/5/2008 1:15:58 PM

(Msg 54) OP, you do realize you're saying you're emotionaly and intellectualy stunted, right?
That you have stopped evolving and maturing those 30 years ago, thus 23 year old is your equal on those platforms?


Perhaps he's saying he didn't grow bitter and jaded and hardened and cynical like many other people have. Maybe he's saying he still has the ability to view the world as an exciting and beautiful place. That's my take on it when he writes in msg 15,
...I created the money before and I will create it again, as money, intelligence, capacity,capability, and all requirements for existance, God willing will be provided,...


How many 50 year olds recently separated/divorced have that attitude? Hmmm, not many from reading the forums. "Go slow, build trust, check out the person, watch for red flags".....gawd, it sounds like people are walking through a mine field!

As for
And that this girl will outgrow you in about 5 years?
that all depends on her desire to be played and used by others because it's doubtful she'll find a guy who cares for her the same way it's apparent the OP does. On the other hand maybe she's wise enough to realize how lucky she is. Maybe she's heard her 20 year old girlfriends recount stories of cheating and one night stands and booze parties and abuse and heartache and doesn't need to experience that first hand.

When these type of relationships are discussed many bring up the idea the young person is somehow losing out on something. The fact is they get to experience the best part of their youthful years without the usual pitfalls. One does not have to live through financial struggles and breakups and having a partner who is trying to "find themselves".


(Msg 57) Mind you there were married for 26 years, it was not a fling from some old cougar after a young stud, but in the end, when she really needs him and is unable to really take care of herself, he's (of course) gone and ran off with a much younger woman.


And how many husbands are dead when a woman reaches her old age? Men usually die younger. Your mom could have married a man the same age and ended up burying him and suffered financially due to a lack of alimony/divided pension plans.

When it comes to common interests how many people the same age are doing the same thing? There are so many activities. Some people are home bodies. Some enjoy a varied and active social life. With all the opportunities age means less and less.

I feel there's way too much importance put on common interests as far as social activities are concerned. A romantic connection is a feeling. It's just there. If the basics are in place, where the couple want to live, equal or agreed upon financial participation in the home, then few other things matter.

My partner and I have few things in common and it hasn't made a difference over the last 12 years. How I spend my day, how I spend my extra money, what political party I vote for, what charities I donate to.....none of those things have anything to do with how I feel about her nor how she feels about me. How could they? They never mattered the day we met. My desire for her was never predicated on what TV shows she watched.

I really have difficulty understanding the importance people put on "things in common". IMO, romantic relationships are more like family relationships than friendships. Once past puberty we grew to have less and less in common with our parents but that never changed how we felt about them assuming they were decent people to begin with. Also, many times we don't hang out with our siblings but that doesn't change how we feel about them.

Friendships, on the other hand, are the opposite. Once we stop doing things together we tend to grow apart. I see the obvious conclusion to be if a romantic relationship is based 0n "things in common" it has a poor chance of lasting. If that "I want you!" feeling isn't there, in and of itself, it's on a shaky foundation.
 kellygrl51
Joined: 9/21/2008
Msg: 24
should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/6/2008 5:09:21 PM
You never know what will or won't work. There is less age differnce between me and my Dad, and he has recently come to live with me. Now don't get me wrong he's in great shape, for his age. But he needs care, as do most men & women of that age, I know this because I work in a hospital. No matter what anyone chooses to believe, anyone 20-30 years older, the younger becomes a care-giver eventually, it's just a matter of time. Having said that, you only live once so enjoy what you have while you have it...
 kellygrl51
Joined: 9/21/2008
Msg: 25
should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/6/2008 5:23:30 PM
"re: msg #64...boy, i'm thinking that's about the most cynical comment i've read here...and what do you really think?'

Instead of insulting another poster, tell us how you see a 30 year age differnce playing out. I'd be curious to know.
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