Notice: Forums will be shutdown by June 2019

To focus on better serving our members, we've decided to shut down the POF forums.

While regular posting is now disabled, you can continue to view all threads until the end of June 2019. Event Hosts can still create and promote events while we work on a new and improved event creation service for you.

Thank you!

Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Should I stay or should I go      Home login  
Joined: 8/10/2004
Msg: 8
Should I stay or should I goPage 1 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
I doubt - she would not do the very same thing again.

She don't love you (that way) anymore OP ..... you should use some logic and accept it.
Joined: 5/14/2008
Msg: 9
Should I stay or should I go
Posted: 10/4/2008 4:06:02 PM
It appears you both need space to figure out what you truly want. For the two of you to get back together right now could be disasterous. Nothing has changed. Have you suggested that the two of you go to marriage counseling together? That seems to me to be the best way to see if this marriage can, and should, be salvaged. With the help of the couselor, you two can set some ground rules regarding interacting with each other. Being 'good friends' may or may not be such a good idea, depending on the situation. In order to save your sanity, I suggest you make an appointment right away. If your wife refuses to go with you to counseling, you have your answer. If she isn't willing to work on saving your marriage, it is already too late to save it. Might as well file for the divorce and cut your losses.
Joined: 11/20/2007
Msg: 21
Should I stay or should I go
Posted: 10/4/2008 5:00:34 PM
I don't think anyone will agree with me and frankly I don't care.

This is not a girl friend but your wife of 23 years, the mother of your children, your family(yes regardless of what happens she will always be the mother of your children and a huge part of your family). I think you should fight with everything you have to keep your marriage together.

Forget about other women, spend time with your kids and the grandchild, keep in contact with your wife, and just see how it goes for now.

She made a huge mistake, but is it really worth throwing away a 23 year old family?
Joined: 4/6/2008
Msg: 26
Should I stay or should I go
Posted: 10/4/2008 5:48:20 PM
I do not know you personally but you have many of the same traits of a doormat.
There is not a thin line between a doormat and a nice guy, there is a healthy margin.
Women do not like to be involved with doormats.

You also have some traits associated with some one with some emotional issues.
I urge you to see a member of the clergy, most are trained in phycological help.

Good luck to you, Kenny
Joined: 9/8/2006
Msg: 28
view profile
Should I stay or should I go
Posted: 10/4/2008 7:21:25 PM
I can see that you still love her very much...even to the point of not being able to dance with another woman. This says a lot about you. You are the honest one, the one who will be faithful at all costs. The only problem is... how can you ever trust your wife again.

If one is in love with a wife, husband, girlfriend/boyfriend or whomever... no one could make that person fall for another. The only way is if the love is gone...I feel that this is what happened to your wife. She fell for someone else while being with you. If she was totally in love with you, she wouldn't have given this man the time of day.

She is back because you represent "the old shoe". She is familiar with you...she knows you love her...she prefers to be with you than to be alone. Is this what you want? Do you want to be a doormat till the next one comes along?

The part where you said that she wasn't as good looking as the wife of your ex business partner, has nothing to do with him falling in love with her, if indeed he was. When talking about an affair, it's not what a person looks like, it's how he made her feel and vice versa. "Looks" have nothing to do with it.

"Should you stay or should you go" not up to me to say. You are the only one that can make that decision. BUT...before you take her back permanently, do some soul searching. She has to be serious about you and your relationship. It's not fair to you if she is back because she knows how you feel and has no where else to go.
Joined: 9/8/2006
Msg: 31
view profile
Should I stay or should I go
Posted: 10/5/2008 6:54:47 AM
Thank you for all your nice comments.

I too, feel that you are an awesome man and deserve so much better. No, you are not the fool for trying to stay and make it work. I hear what you are saying about old fashion beliefs and once married, always married...BUT...where does it say in the marriage vows that you have to put up with humiliation with the most demeaning way that your beloved wife could do.

SHE broke the vows! She even had the audacity to have an affair with not only someone you knew but a business partner at that.

If she can do that with your business partner, she can do it with anyone.

You are a good man and husband for sticking to your beliefs in being true to your partner, but you don' t have to be humiliated ever again. Once bitten, twice shy...and yes tomorrow is a better day. I wish you all the best in whatever you decide rmoss.
Joined: 9/2/2008
Msg: 33
view profile
Should I stay or should I go
Posted: 10/5/2008 1:29:23 PM
well you and i are made differently, I am separated but took the ring off when she moved out of the bedroom. I have no feelings for her and I do not feel like I am cheating. We both have sites and both of us have been on dates. Good for her. I hope she finds someone to make her happy. I have, and I have no regrets.
If she left, you are not cheating.
Joined: 7/6/2008
Msg: 34
Should I stay or should I go
Posted: 10/5/2008 1:32:16 PM
I have to agree it's time for a more legal and defined seperation.
If you consider that your wife abused the boundaries of respect by having the sexual affair with your partner then you can realize (or should be able to) that she isn't a person who believes in respecting the person you love, or that rules of behavior or boundaries apply to her.

Therefore she's not afraid of stepping over the line in the name of her personal pleasure.

Why would she alter her behavior now that it's "OK" and she's single?

Because she may fear what will happen to her when you really are gone.
Or how that will impact her finances. My guess is she's given you smidgeons of affection - only when she can't find another man to want her.

Regardless - neither of you are basing your behaviors or choices on respect or real love. You admit to feeling the other man's wife is attractive, you feel like you're cheating on your wife but you miss the "womanly" traits and attributes....

Make your seperation legal and formal.
Define appropriate boundaries. For you and for your wife.
Keep the rules in place.
And stop contact with her.

Time to face the music and know what the realities are.
Joined: 9/4/2008
Msg: 37
Should I stay or should I go
Posted: 10/5/2008 3:16:51 PM

BAIL OUT Change the locks to the front door put herstuff in the lawn and HIDE YOUR MONEY. If she's playing around THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR HER BREAKING HER VOW OF MARRIAGE THIS IS COMPLETELY UNFORGIVEABLE. Now I know there are going to be a bunch of "free thinking" females out there that will IMMEDIATELY side with your wife but they are all the same. If she did it once AND YOURE DUMB ENOUGH to FORGIVE THAT, she will walk all over you. Besides what SHES showing your kids is infidelity is OK in todays society. NO SORRY IT ISNT. Trust me dude HIDE YOUR MONEY AND CLOSE YOUR BANK ACCOUNTS she is gonna TRY to take all she can. Bail the hell out of that mess.
Joined: 7/27/2008
Msg: 39
view profile
Should I stay or should I go
Posted: 10/5/2008 3:35:23 PM
omg....gottalight...what r u his spokes person! lol Bottom line OP..'s been broken. Once it's broken it's unfixable. It don't matter how many people say forgive and forget...there is always going to be that one time, one thing, one person...that will make u remember and all the hurt will rush back in and the cycle begins again...Doubt!

Let it go and move on. You in a "use to " phase. You think and if truth be known she too is feeling the same. You both are "use to" each others likes, dislikes, quirks etc.. its a safety net. Safer then experiencing life because with experiencing you may get rejected...well my may get accepted too!! So let it go for you, her, and the kids. Trust me on this one...the kids understand more than you can imagine.

Best of luck!
Joined: 9/4/2008
Msg: 45
view profile
Should I stay or should I go
Posted: 10/5/2008 4:07:54 PM
All I can say is trust is a very difficult thing to piece back together. I think 23 years is a significant investment and would say it's worth saving if you two were very much in love and she slipped. However, you don't seem like you are that much in love with her because of the "not attractive" statement. From what I can glean, this relationship has long gone past its use-by date.

If you want a companion more than a loyal lover, then maybe you two can work out an arrangement. If you go it alone, I would still seek counseling or do some serious soul-searching. You settled a long time ago for someone you didn't find attractive and, for you to discover/uncover why you let yourself down in order to do yourself justice in the future.
Joined: 8/30/2008
Msg: 53
view profile
Should I stay or should I go
Posted: 10/6/2008 6:04:05 AM
Ouch, sorry to hear to about buddy. It's good that you've remained friends for your childrens' sake, but it does sound like she's trying to have it both ways and that's not fair to you. You do need some no contact as previously mentioned so you can date and consider moving on. Good luck
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 63
Should I stay or should I go
Posted: 10/6/2008 5:28:34 PM
Like you, my ex had an affair and I ended it. The funny thing is that the way I found out was when the guy she was having the affair called to talk to her, using some lame excuse, and since she had not arrived, he progressively got drunk until he told me that she had chosen me over him. Great! Anyways, I ended the marriage right there. But the thing is that even after the divorce, she wanted to get back together, even at times calling me to see if she could get laid. I said noway.

So dude, you need to create distance. You need to start reinventing yourself, finding the you outside of the marriage. It is not easy, I went through a lot of anger, even to the point of racing bikes and having two wrecks. But it was good, it allowed me to find my own self, my own center. Do it, you have nothing to fear, but yourself.
Joined: 10/2/2008
Msg: 64
Should I stay or should I go
Posted: 10/6/2008 11:58:59 PM
if I had a gf and she cheated on me I'd brake up with her and wouldn't give her a nother chance because who would I know if she would or wouldn't cheat on me again. I'd say call it off because I'd hate to say this but how do you know he's the only guy she's doing stuff with?
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 65
Should I stay or should I go
Posted: 10/7/2008 6:19:28 AM

When i got married it was ssuppose to be for ever and for better or worse. Never thought this crap would happen to me. Thats what she agreed on also then somewhere along the way she changed her mind Go figure

Get over that crap. I do tell you one thing, the only thing certain in life, is that NOTHING is permanent. Everything you got, including your health, your wealth, your family can go any moment. So the best thing to do is understand that it's not about retaining the past, but about understanding your present and moving into YOUR new future. Now it is all up to you to fvck it up, or to reinvent all the wrongs of the past. Also, you no longer have an excuse. You can't say I will not exercise because I have to do this, or that. You can not say anymore, that I do not meet women because I am shy. Now you just have to move forward, and at least take the Karmic forces that are the result of this event, meaning, you did not cheat, she did, and use them not to create hate, but to create empathy, the ability to let go of all the anger, and move forward in your new journey.
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Should I stay or should I go