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Show ALL Forums  > Off Topic  > She's/He's been on PoF for 2 years..! It that a red-herring? Run or S      Home login  
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 siXty8
Joined: 8/4/2008
Msg: 1
She's/He's been on PoF for 2 years..! It that a red-herring? Run or Stay?Page 1 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
So your new date tells you they have been searching on PoF (and Im sure on other sites) for the past 2 years but havent found quite the "perfect match".
Yes they have been on several (actually "lots of dates") dates and met many nice and interesting people...but they still havent found the right one.

IMHO, I take that as a trait of a serial-dater who always finds something very trivial to "disqualify" each candidate. Im thinking if you cannot find this person here - moreso living in quite a big and diverse city, and searching on almost a regular basis, then there is no point of me wasting my time.

Am I being too paranoid? Would you be relaxed or be on the look-out for the "eviction/dismissal notice"?
 ohnonothimagain
Joined: 9/28/2008
Msg: 2
She's/He's been on PoF for 2 years..! It that a red-herring? Run or Stay?
Posted: 10/5/2008 3:47:11 PM
I wouldnt take her comment literally. I mean she has maybe been unlucky and maybe she went through periods of not dating too. In either case or both, 'remaining a member' and religiously logging in every day or even every week are 2 different things.
 ~curlygirl~
Joined: 4/22/2006
Msg: 3
She's/He's been on PoF for 2 years..! It that a red-herring? Run or Stay?
Posted: 10/5/2008 4:01:29 PM
i've been on PoF for 3 years now...and i think your premise is flawed OP. i had just come out of a long-term commonlaw relationship when i joined the site, started out primarily in my local-area forum, went to public events, made new friends and social connections. only later did it really become a venue for dating. sometimes life has gotten in the way, and i've taken a few hiatuses from meeting people here and there along the way.

while i am looking to find a connection, i refuse to settle out of some misguided relationship dependency. i know far too many people who get out of one relationship only to hop into another within a few weeks...that doesn't seem emotionally healthy to me either. i'd say someone being picky is being more honest to themselves and their partner.

sure, people shouldn't be unrealistic in their expectations, but they also shouldn't settle for any less than will truly make them happy.
 Closing Shop
Joined: 7/24/2008
Msg: 4
She's/He's been on PoF for 2 years..! It that a red-herring? Run or Stay?
Posted: 10/5/2008 4:11:10 PM
It just means the right guy hasn't come along for her yet. Or maybe he did but he ditched her without giving her a chance because he was afraid she was a serial dater.
 clasact
Joined: 1/18/2008
Msg: 5
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She's/He's been on PoF for 2 years..! It that a red-herring? Run or Stay?
Posted: 10/5/2008 4:18:04 PM
Pardon me OP, but in my opinion your post is judgmental in and of itself.

To determine that if someone has been here such and such period of time and has not "found" someone, you judge them to be disqualifying "candidates" just because someone has been on a dating site for longer than YOU determine is acceptable? And that they are serial daters? Pfffttt!!

Would I be paranoid? No. But seems as though you are.
And if you subscribe to that way of thinking then good luck to you with that.

It never entered my mind when I went out with someone who's been here for a while.

There are a lot here who are active forum members who do not "search" every day but come here to post their thoughts, including me. Some people's "pond" is very limited, ergo it might take longer. But just because one's options are limited doesn't mean that anyone should "settle" in what they are searching for. What might seem "trivial" to you, is not to someone else.

Just sayin'
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 6
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She's/He's been on PoF for 2 years..! It that a red-herring? Run or Stay?
Posted: 10/5/2008 4:19:28 PM
Yes, you are being paranoid. Being on a site for two years means nothing because you have no idea how much time or effort they are putting into the dating thing and what you said could easily describe me and I do not consider myself a serial dater or someone who dismisses people easily.

Sometimes you go out with people and whatever "it" is, it just isn't there, so to go on more than two or three dates is disingenuous. The person could also have had a relationship or two, it takes a couple of months to really get to know the person and determine that you really are not compatible for a long-term relationship.

And by making such an assumption about them, isn't that the pot calling the kettle black just a bit? I mean, you give them no opportunity to tell you why these dates were not fruitful, or whether the person is busy so that she is not going out with a different guy every week but maybe actually meets someone about once a month or every couple of months.

Being on the lookout for "eviction/dismissal notice" would be similar to the trivial disqualifying things. What if the disqualifications are not trival, and there are good reasons she chose not to continue dating people like very different values or behaviors like jealousy and others that are simple untenable in a relationship?
 Kat0108
Joined: 4/21/2008
Msg: 7
She's/He's been on PoF for 2 years..! It that a red-herring? Run or Stay?
Posted: 10/5/2008 4:30:00 PM
You could ask that person why their previous relationships havnt worked out. I don't have trouble asking people what went wrong before, it gives alot of insight on what kind of mistrusts or whatever you might have to deal with. No harm in asking. I don't mind people asking me either.

I wouldn't rule it out completely but it does kinda make you wonder. There will always be some people who just like dating, like meeting new people, can't seem to get past the butterflies part of dating. Ya know? The 'falling' part of in love can be addicting and if the person doesn't know what to do after that point they may just start over. I've met a few of those myself.

I wouldn't say paranoid I would say cautious. You know you don't want to waste your time on someone who has no intention of something deeper then dating. If that's the case. I just wouldn't make it a rule of thumb that a person being on here x number of years is automatically not serious about finding a real relationship.

Either way you go, good luck...
 Fifi47
Joined: 8/19/2004
Msg: 8
She's/He's been on PoF for 2 years..! It that a red-herring? Run or Stay?
Posted: 10/5/2008 4:30:05 PM
I have been on and off here for 4 years, which means nothing, except that my location and/or profile seem to attract few men. Since many men seem to be looking for perfection and meet many women one time and move on looking for greener grass, take it all with a grain of salt.
 Pixy Dust
Joined: 9/6/2006
Msg: 9
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She's/He's been on PoF for 2 years..! It that a red-herring? Run or Stay?
Posted: 10/5/2008 4:37:00 PM
Gosh there was a time it would have been a red-herring to me!!! but I've now been here and there for 3 years and don't consider myself a serial dater.. for one you have to serial date...

I think there are all sorts on the site... some are serial daters... some I think like myself for whatever reason hasn't settled down with someone in that time.. does that make it any different being here or not? It's an avenue like other avenues to meet people, it's a way to spend an hour of your day when you're kicking back relaxing... the thing about POF vs other sites is the fact of this forum... what's not to love about delving in here reading other peoples problems with dating and finding ahhh haaaa they run into that too....

Just as meeting someone over a head of cabbage in the grocery store you just don't know until you get to know them... or you could ask the produce guy if they are a regular or not....
 MY OH MY
Joined: 10/11/2007
Msg: 10
She's/He's been on PoF for 2 years..! It that a red-herring? Run or Stay?
Posted: 10/5/2008 4:41:40 PM
Are you saying that you don't want the woman you go out with to be picky? Are you saying that you want her to settle for less than who she feels she should be with? Are you saying that you wish she would have picked one of them so that you wouldn't have to go out with her? Are you looking for an excuse yourself not to find the one?
 ChocolateNutt
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 11
She's/He's been on PoF for 2 years..! It that a red-herring? Run or Stay?
Posted: 10/5/2008 4:57:21 PM
I've been on dating sites for several years, have met several men and been in two relationships. I'm still single and now back online.

I don't see why dating many people from online dating is any different from offline. YOU are still single--does that mean you are a serial dater always finding something "trivial to disqualify each candidate?"

Besides, I want a lifemate to marry me. I believe marriage is forever, so don't you think I should be fussy and choose someone I'm going to be supercompatible with?

Nutt
 dave1234
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 12
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She's/He's been on PoF for 2 years..! It that a red-herring? Run or Stay?
Posted: 10/5/2008 5:13:05 PM

(OP) Am I being too paranoid? Would you be relaxed or be on the look-out for the "eviction/dismissal notice"?


I ran into that, years ago. At the time it was a phone service so there was no way to tell how long they had been on the "system" other than ask them. If their reply was "a short time" I'd suggest meeting before anyone else snatched them up. If their reply was "a length of time" I'd also ask to meet as soon as possible so as not to further delay their search.

When it came to determining if they were serial daters or not seriously interested in a relationship that was relatively easy to find out. I'd meet them and if things seemed OK I'd ask for a future date shortly thereafter. If they had excuses they could not see me it became readily apparent. I moved on.
 Lady Waresa
Joined: 12/24/2007
Msg: 13
She's/He's been on PoF for 2 years..! It that a red-herring? Run or Stay?
Posted: 10/5/2008 6:01:03 PM
The length of time someone is on a dating site has nothing do with her/him being a serial dater. I've been on this site over a year and a half. I often take long breaks from actually dating when I'm busy with other things in my life, just need a break or dating one person to see how things go. I'm also looking to date only people I really connect with, not date for the sake of dating.

As a matter of fact, the serial daters that I have come across actually delete their profiles quite a bit - once they've pissed somebody off, they delete, only to pop again like a bad penny, with a brand new profile, and a year or two shaved off their age or some other little lie. I think it's so previous people they've pissed off don't find them....
 vladirose
Joined: 9/16/2008
Msg: 14
She's/He's been on PoF for 2 years..! (to sixty8)
Posted: 10/5/2008 6:16:34 PM

So your new date tells you they have been searching on PoF for past 2 years but havent found quite the "perfect match". They have been on "lots of dates" and met many nice and interesting people...but they still havent found the right one. Im thinking if you cannot find this person here - moreso living in quite a big and diverse city, and searching on almost a regular basis, then there is no point of me wasting my time.


Interesting thought process you have. "Wasting YOUR time". Didn't know there was a time frame to meet the so-called right person. 'Sides, there's no guarantee that 5 dates will turn into 2 years...turn into 5 years....or 25 years. We're all having life experiences. What is that saying, "we're Spiritual Beings having a human experience".

Enjoy the journey and quit nit-picking if she has been on this site for two years. You don't know what that 2 years held in store for her. Most of us look for a really, really long time before we find a mate who we can really be ourselves with, compliment each other and tolerate the rest!
 beniandthejets
Joined: 1/10/2008
Msg: 15
She's/He's been on PoF for 2 years..! It that a red-herring? Run or Stay?
Posted: 10/5/2008 6:43:31 PM
I have been divorced for 13 years, and been on these sites for 5. I am really starting to think no one is out there for me. I don't go on dates to see how many I can get, I am genuinally trying to find someone with whom I am compatible. I come from a small town and most of the men my age are married or I don't have anything in common with them. Most of my friends say I am too picky, but why settle for something you don't want.

Don't misunderstand, I have had a couple of relationships which have taken up some time, but obviously didn't work out. Give them a chance. Don't automatically think that something is wrong with them just because they don't jump from one relationship to another and is not willing to settle for less than what he/she wants.
 Ron9
Joined: 8/10/2004
Msg: 16
She's/He's been on PoF for 2 years..! It that a red-herring? Run or Stay?
Posted: 10/5/2008 6:47:50 PM
What the heck does that have to do with anything.

I've been single for five years now ....... that is just the way the ball bounces sometimes.

OP ..... what - you think people should just MADE DO ........ just grab one and be all lubby dubby at 1 year and 11 months and 29 days?

OR .......... is a NEW ONE every three weeks best?

-----------------

WAIT ......... I just read the "serial dater" part.

Lets see here ........ my last date was ...... umm around three years ago. YES YES YES ........ I am a serial dater ok.

WAIT ...... I must not be able to get a date ....... yeah that must be it.

 Tenacious-B
Joined: 9/19/2008
Msg: 17
She's/He's been on PoF for 2 years..! It that a red-herring? Run or Stay?
Posted: 10/5/2008 6:54:25 PM
I will admit I don't have enough information to give you a real answer.

What does your gut tell you?

I would suggest doing that.
 rosebuds57
Joined: 1/21/2007
Msg: 18
She's/He's been on PoF for 2 years..! It that a red-herring? Run or Stay?
Posted: 10/5/2008 6:58:51 PM
Until you have "walked a mile in her shoes", it's not a good idea to jump to conclusions about anyone. This applies to almost every situation and every person in this little blue ball we live on. Please remember that each and every one of us is a human being with our own experiences in life. Who's to say that a person who has been on here or any other dating site for two years is a serial dater...there are just too many variables to make that judgement.

Getting off my soap box now.
 Rachelle~C
Joined: 6/30/2008
Msg: 19
She's/He's been on PoF for 2 years..! It that a red-herring? Run or Stay?
Posted: 10/5/2008 7:02:16 PM
Where is it written exactly how long it is supposed to take to find love? Heck some people search their entire lives and don't ever fall in love. Some people only fall in love for the first time later on in life. Just because someone has been on pof two years or looking for two years does not mean in the past that they have not been in love a couple times. I was on here for almost three years before I found my boyfriend on here.



Yes you are paranoid and extremely judgemental as well. Get over yourself already. Not everyone wants to settle for just anyone at all just so they can be in a relationship.
 .Marc
Joined: 2/11/2007
Msg: 20
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She's/He's been on PoF for 2 years..! It that a red-herring? Run or Stay?
Posted: 10/5/2008 7:04:04 PM
I've been here almost 2 years... but I've never bothered to meet anyone on account that I've found no one interesting.

Don't over analyze.
 ShyGin33
Joined: 6/5/2008
Msg: 21
She's/He's been on PoF for 2 years..! It that a red-herring? Run or Stay?
Posted: 10/5/2008 7:15:50 PM
Very interesting. I have been dating a man that I met here for about 3 months now. He had been on the site for a couple years when we met. He had had dates and even a couple short-term relationships during that time. The thought that he had been here too long never entered my mind. In fact I found it refreshing that he was not the type to just jump into a relationship and actually chose to date only the women he truly liked. There is no time limit on love. It is what it is and comes when it comes. I worry that the fact you are judging this woman will lead you to wait for and look for something to be wrong with her or in your potential future relationship. Think really hard before jumping into these conclusions.
 sunshyne1977
Joined: 5/8/2006
Msg: 22
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She's/He's been on PoF for 2 years..! It that a red-herring? Run or Stay?
Posted: 10/5/2008 7:20:16 PM
well,i've ben on awhile myself,but i didn't spend the entire 2+ years active on here. use it more for the forums .
 ChocolateNutt
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 23
She's/He's been on PoF for 2 years..! It that a red-herring? Run or Stay?
Posted: 10/5/2008 7:34:02 PM
Lady Waresa, I don't know how deleting someone's profile makes them serial dates, either. And how do you know they are being deleted rather than just hidden.

When I have decided to form a relationship with someone, I have hidden my profile. I think that's common courtesy to the person you are trying to be with.

I have also hidden my profile when I'm extra busy or feeling a little disillusioned with the dating scene. That again is for courtesy, this time toward the men who are on the dating site. Why would I give men the misimpression that I'm available if I don't really intend to date for a time.

Nutt
 foof
Joined: 1/28/2006
Msg: 24
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She's/He's been on PoF for 2 years..! It that a red-herring? Run or Stay?
Posted: 10/5/2008 7:47:58 PM
I wouldn't call myself a seriel dater...but I do love a big bowl of Froot Loops late at night...
 canusee
Joined: 7/17/2007
Msg: 25
She's/He's been on PoF for 2 years..! It that a red-herring? Run or Stay?
Posted: 10/5/2008 8:50:03 PM
I agree,that the time spent on dating sites does not say anything negative about the lady who is looking to find a specific partner in her life.
There is no way at my ge of 50 to be wasting my time nor a man's time.
I know there is a very special ,unique partner for me and will take the time,as it is mine to find him.
As a lady, I am not going to just settle either.
Been there done that.
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