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Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > Hurtful Name Calling.      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 anti-ipenema
Joined: 2/15/2008
Msg: 9
Hurtful Name Calling. Page 1 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
Darling Tango, you have done the hard work of getting sober, now you need to do the hard work of finding your self confidence.
Sweet lady Lori is dead on the money!
NO ONE especially your SO should call you names like that! and to think this tool-bag is 40yrs old? If he was 20 it would NOT be acceptable but to think he is this old and hasn't learned any better way to communicate? Hell-to-the-NO!
You are beautiful and strong and he's terrified that you are going to get some good sense and walk away!
I say prove him right and walk out!
 Ron9
Joined: 8/10/2004
Msg: 14
Hurtful Name Calling.
Posted: 10/9/2008 4:10:18 AM
“No one can make you feel inferior - without your consent” - Eleanor Roosevelt

OP - think about what that lady said - years and years ago.

You are giving him permission.

There is no good reason, to stay around people that try to put you down.

Having no one in your life is better than having someone like that.

Get away from that guy. Find some young man that thinks you are beautiful ...... just the way you are.
 Amma63
Joined: 8/18/2008
Msg: 20
Hurtful Name Calling.
Posted: 10/9/2008 4:56:51 AM
OP - it is called verbal abuse

Those scars can run deeper, and last longer than any broken bone.

You deserve better - everyone does.

B.
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 23
Hurtful Name Calling.
Posted: 10/9/2008 5:50:46 AM
One of the problem with calling people names is that they tell you that they are just kidding, that it's a joke and that you need to get a sense of humor. But all they say is based on truth or distortion of a truth so to their intended victim, it still hurts, it still does the damage. When my GF got back together, we made a pack, and that is that not ever as a joke, not ever in a fight, not ever in a discussion would we resort to name calling. I can tell her, I think you are wrong about this issue because of x, but under no circumstance will we go into "You're so stupid because you did x or that."

But this is something that both need to commit to, talk about it, and understand, and then realize that it is the one that is doing the name calling the one who is an a$$.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 24
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History
Hurtful Name Calling.
Posted: 10/9/2008 5:53:05 AM
His behavior is very wrong and you need to escape this abusive man. You deserve kindness. Congratulations on your sobriety.
 english lass
Joined: 11/14/2007
Msg: 25
Hurtful Name Calling.
Posted: 10/9/2008 6:06:42 AM
he's taking out his own insecurities and lack of self worth on you - in other words, he's being a bully

you've already pointed out to him what he's doing and asked him to stop and he won't - thus disrespecting you further

it's up to you if you want to remain with a disrespectful bully

personally, i'd say find someone else who treats you well and cares about you
 serenity60
Joined: 7/6/2008
Msg: 29
Hurtful Name Calling.
Posted: 10/9/2008 7:51:11 AM
Absolutely noone has the right to disrespect you like that. IMHO, I wish you thought better of yourself (I read your profile.)
 Discerning Virtuosa
Joined: 6/10/2008
Msg: 30
Hurtful Name Calling.
Posted: 10/9/2008 7:59:00 AM
He is not a "big kid" - he is an immature boy who doesn't know how to treat a woman. Leave him immediately and find a real man.
 phishkev
Joined: 9/19/2008
Msg: 33
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History
Hurtful Name Calling.
Posted: 10/9/2008 8:15:27 AM
Complete SHI*! Leave-no need for abuse and nonsense like that-I'm sure there are plenty of nice guys that would love and appreciate your company-FLEE!!
 jackster121
Joined: 9/2/2008
Msg: 35
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History
Hurtful Name Calling.
Posted: 10/9/2008 8:44:37 AM
1. It's his insecurity that is showing. he has to put you down in order for him to feel good.
2. I grew up with a mother like that so I learned a trick when I was about 12.
The next time he says you're fat and ugly, look at him and smile and say thanks sweetie, I love you too. It takes all the sting out of the comment for you and him.
3. Dr. Phil (my mentor, LOL) says you can change another persons behavior by changin your own. Right now he know what response he will get and that too is a form of security. You change your response, he will change OVER TIME.
 webweebil
Joined: 9/4/2008
Msg: 40
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History
Hurtful Name Calling.
Posted: 10/9/2008 9:12:15 AM
When I was a new home rep I had a client who was black and from the bad side of Detroit. He was an anesthesiologist from Johns Hopkins buying a very expensive home. I asked him what was the cause for his success and he told me "I made a decision when I was in my teens to only surround myself with supportive people. That has made all the difference in the world."

I never forgot what he told me. I have applied this to my own life and... it's made all the difference in the world. I hope this helps you as much as it helped me.
 Diadora
Joined: 6/16/2008
Msg: 41
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Hurtful Name Calling.
Posted: 10/9/2008 9:16:30 AM
Yes, of course he is trying to hurt your feelings.
He has done it before, heard your reaction and is repeating his behavior.
Something about the interaction is working for him so he is repeating it.

If it is not working for you get out of the situation. If it is working for you..... recognize it a figure out why.
 stratoman1
Joined: 9/19/2007
Msg: 42
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Hurtful Name Calling.
Posted: 10/9/2008 9:42:49 AM
in other words find a HOTTIE my own age?



I'll go out on a limb on this one and suggest that his behavior is an attempt to control you. It can be easy to control an addict (you just have to control their supply). Controlling someone who is sober/clean requires either physical or mental dominance and it sounds like mental is his weapon of choice. The purpose of it is to make you feel inferior and undesired by others. When it works it convinces people they there isn't any point in leaving because no one else will want them.


I think Jim has pegged this. You are with an abuser. GET THE FUK OUTTA THERE NOW!!! His behavior will not get better, only worse and the abuse will very likely at some point become physical on top of the emotional abuse he is already doing to you.

Sweetie, there is nothing equal about this relationship. Any 40 year old man that wants to be with a 20 year old girl is not a mature man, he's a child. He is with you because you are a girl, not a woman that could be his equal. This is because he is not able to be equal to a woman in his own age group. Frankly I don't give a shit about all the psychobabble over what is going on in his brain. He's a piece of crap.

You, a happy future for you and the fulfillment of the new life opportunities you have are what is important here. You have done an amazing thing, getting sober. You should realize just how incredible you are and that you deserve so much more in your life. You are only just beginning to live and, there are endless possibilities for you to achieve greatness in your life. Go out there and get it honey. Success and happiness are yours. Reach out and grab them. And, I will tell you this; every time you have even the smallest success in your life, if you look at yourself in the mirror and say, "I'm proud of you, you have done something really great", and, believe it....you will soon come to realize just how valuable and special you are. When you believe in yourself sweetie, no one, and I mean no one can take that away from you.

The "Hottie" you should be looking for is someone who cares about you more than he does himself. Someone who needs you as badly as you need him. Someone who loves you and cherishes you. Someone who will stand by your side, not in front of you or behind you but, right there with you. When you do find a man who is worthy of you, he will lift you up, he will remind you of how great you are when you sometimes forget. He will be strength for you at your weakest moments and you will be his inspiration.

Remember, you are an amazing lady and only amazing people are worthy of you.
 schnell735
Joined: 8/28/2008
Msg: 49
Hurtful Name Calling.
Posted: 10/9/2008 12:20:29 PM
1. In any relation ship with another person your responsibility look after your well being FIRST. ie : If he is hurting you you should take measures to prevent this.
2. Verbal/Mental Abuse is a form of domestic violence. It is against the law, whether it be by man or woman.
3. He is trying (be it knowing or otherwise) to lower your self esteem and grind it into nothing.
4. You may need to a legal form of restraint if he doesn't take well to your "measures" for protection.

In other words, he is an abuser. Dump him and move on. If he stalks you you may need a Restraining Order.

Good Luck
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 50
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Hurtful Name Calling.
Posted: 10/9/2008 12:49:23 PM
This is a very mean, hateful person with signs of deep emotional problems, whey would you stay for this? Are you so insecure that you think you deserve this, do you really have to ask if he's doing something awful? Seriously, stop enabling his disgusting behavior and get away from him. I don't care if you were a 600 pounds or Miss Twiggy, no one who has any self-esteem would stick around for someone to insult them like this. Get away from him and get som professional help for why you have allowed this.
 GoneSailinBabe
Joined: 7/6/2008
Msg: 54
Hurtful Name Calling.
Posted: 10/9/2008 2:34:31 PM

He will say things like "your fat and ugly." "you are dressed like a whore"


There is nothing amusing, or even moderately funny in your fella's behavior and you know this.

He's insecure.
He's a walking, wounded person lacking in his own self-worth.

Not to say you can't be understanding that he is flawed and inflicting pain on others in order to his all the hurt inside him - you CAN understand it.

But tolerate it and allow it to continue?
No.

You teach people how to treat you.

This isn't ok.
It isn't acceptable.
And at some point, it is quite likely his verbal abuse will turn to physical pain for you.

Why would you WANT to be with someone who treats you with such disrespect?
That's not healthy.

Additionally - he has been behaving this way, I would guess, his entire life. Studies have shown that the core character of an individual's personality has formed by age 5.

By age 5 - we know and comprehend bad behavior and good behavior and the ramifications of working in society when we make a choice.

Your guy has been doing this all his life - being a bully, picking on the weakness of others, and being in general an azz.

Some men plant this so deeply into their personality that you can begin to find it charming and then simply rude. It grows tiresome. And when you call them on it - they'll simply shrug and say "yah, I am how I am" with no apology for it.

It's a take it or leave it attitude.

I'd leave it.
But perhaps you will choose to take it.

Aren't you better than that?
 Amma63
Joined: 8/18/2008
Msg: 55
Hurtful Name Calling.
Posted: 10/9/2008 3:15:05 PM
If everyone would quit feeding him - perhaps he will go away??

It's not rocket science people.................ignore, ignore, ignore.................
 Ideoform
Joined: 9/23/2007
Msg: 56
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Hurtful Name Calling.
Posted: 10/9/2008 3:42:21 PM
Its the name-calling that is wrong...not the reason the person chooses to use as an excuse to put you down. It could be anything about you. If you loose the weight, chances are he will be even more insecure and the verbal abuse will escalate.

Its just bullying. Bullies pick on whatever they sense person is embarassed about. Bullies will separate you from your friends and family. Don't let that happen. There is saftey in numbers. The more people that care about you and can check on you and your saftey, the better. Don't let him tell you otherwise. Don't let him bully your friends, either, or chase them away, or come between you with lies and exaggerations.

Verbal abuse always gets worse. And it can escalate to hitting. It is insidious. It sneaks up on you.

If you are only staying with him because you believe his abusive name-calling, then you have very little reason to stay for very long and he knows this. So he will be keeping this up and even getting worse just to keep you. He is not getting any younger....he's insecure. No amount of reassurance from you will help him because he isn't listening to you anyway.

When you ask someone who is out-of-control to get more in control, he can't. Why? Because he is already out of control. When he is able to control himself that is the time to ask for change. If he can't stop using the bullying with you, then all the pleading in the world on your part won't magically give him more control over his verbal abuse. Its not about you. If he is overweight, then he's projecting HIS issues onto you. Is this his idea of motivating you to loose weight??? If this shaming, belittling, punishing method works so great, then why isn't it working on him?

He hasn't got good control of his behavior. Is he still addicted himself? If so, he is likely to not be able to control things even if he wants to. Even if he loves you, even if you ask him to be more in control of himself. The only control either of you have at this point is yours. You control the consequences of his behavior. Stop rewarding his immature lack of self-control with your attention and emotion. The more you respond to it the more he will do it to get a response from you. If he knew what to do better and could trust it to work with you, he would do it, but he doesn't know better, and doesn't trust it to work with you.

You don't trust him because he disrespects you, and he doesn't trust you--not a good sign of a relationship that will last anyway--no matter what you do.

It can be nice to get this much attention from a man. All the drama can feed your ego. If you work on yourself--however you decide to do it--you can get attention from other people, other activities, to balance it out. Don't rely on him for everything. Even if he says you must. Go out with (sober) friends. Spend some time with your family. Do some volunteer work.

Breaking up with someone like this can be dangerous. Go to a shelter and get some ideas for how to do this safely. Have a plan. Tell a friend or two that you can trust what you are planning and when you are planning to do it. Don't tell him. Have a back-up plan. Abuse gets the worst just after a break-up. And it can get dangerous.

Stay safe.
 MetalVixxn
Joined: 4/4/2007
Msg: 58
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Hurtful Name Calling.
Posted: 10/9/2008 4:06:26 PM
I think he's doing it so you think no one else will want you and you stay with him.
He sounds like an a$$ and I would run far far away~

Please do not listen to that FreeTime guy. He is obviously just as bad as your boyfriend. He knows he could never have a girl as young and beautiful as you. They do it to make themselves feel better.
People should look in the mirror before they start throwing stones.

EDIT:
OP I just saw this in a recent post of yours... one that you posted AFTER you started this thread.

I am happy to say I have found someone who is PROUD to call me their girlfriend.

This CAN'T be the same guy !?!?!?! Don't kid yourself.
 TheyCallMeMrAwesome
Joined: 7/27/2008
Msg: 59
Hurtful Name Calling.
Posted: 10/9/2008 4:12:25 PM
he is obviously way too much of a child too be using such middle school attacks, you aren't dating a 40 year old ma hon, your dating a middle schooler in a 40 year olds body, kick his ass to the curb, find someone closer to your age, within 10 years of it or so, and date someone from your own generation, he is old enough to be your damn father!!!
 kellygrl51
Joined: 9/21/2008
Msg: 60
Hurtful Name Calling.
Posted: 10/9/2008 4:17:46 PM
He's insecure and he's trying to control you by making you feel bad about yourself.
Get rid of him, you found yourself a loser....
 Discerning Virtuosa
Joined: 6/10/2008
Msg: 65
Hurtful Name Calling.
Posted: 10/9/2008 5:50:12 PM
freetime2bme Getting fat? Excuse me? I have LOST six pounds since we have been dating. I eat better than ever and I WORK OUT.. did I mention he is the FAT ONE?

OP - You don't have to explain yourself to him. What pleases him is not important and this thread is not about what he thinks a woman should be.

Also what pleases your BF is not important. Let him date some stick anorexic with vomit on her breath, rotting teeth, and thinning hair that dresses like a nun and is frigid because she thinks she's too fat to let him see her naked. How you dress and want to look is your choice. If he doesn't like it, he shouldn't be dating you.
 namrael
Joined: 8/10/2008
Msg: 67
Hurtful Name Calling.
Posted: 10/9/2008 7:41:25 PM
Why would you stay with someone who tears you down? Aren't you worth more than that?
 MajorThomas
Joined: 2/10/2008
Msg: 68
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Hurtful Name Calling.
Posted: 10/10/2008 1:53:37 PM
So did he help you become a better person?

My last GF had some major issues I had to sort out for her in addition I had to help her out with basic things like how to live healthy.

Never remember putting her down, though she said I was a little bit tough on some things like going to the gym with me.

If hes being an ass, even if its to try to help you out, it still isn't worth it.
 DreamDancer44
Joined: 2/19/2008
Msg: 74
Hurtful Name Calling.
Posted: 10/12/2008 1:02:28 AM

My boyfriend is a big kid at heart. He is a 40 year old man but is very childish.

This is a big reason why you see some guys go for much younger girls. They're too immature for women their own age. Some guys and girls will disagree but being the one on the outside looking in on many of these relationships, knowing both the guy my age going out with a young girl and girls my age going out with much older guys. They ALL have this in common.


He will say things like "your fat and ugly." "you are dressed like a whore" mean while I will be wearing a sweater. I used to be very over weight so him calling me fat really hurts my feelings. I have told him how I felt and he doesn't take me seriously. My question is, is he doing it to hurt my feelings? And is it so I never leave him?


This is another thing I've seen. Since he is older he feels more in power of you.
Get rid of him and fast. Possibly even seek come counseling. You're in an abusive relationship, a lot of us have been there. Counseling will benefit you and help you get through any damage his abuse may have done as well as help you feel more confident going into a new relationship, when ready. It is honestly best to stick to guys closer to your age. Definitely much closer then twenty years older.

You're a beautiful girl with a great body many women wish they had. Things like this tend to happen to some of the best people. Be strong and get away from him. You deserves so much better.
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