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 no_1_bby
Joined: 5/3/2006
Msg: 6
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rough in bedroom equals...?Page 1 of 2    (1, 2)

If your guy cant keep fantasy /bedroom activity separate from respect in life ..thats his problem and it is a character defect ..not caused by your bedroom demeanor ....I sometimes call my wife all kind of things in bed but i know she is a lady to be respected everywhere else ...she demands this and i gladly comply ...she may be my nasty little whore in the sack but she is my queen everywhere else ..any guy that dont understand the difference dont deserve you


Deerdog, once again you nailed it on the head.


Your concerns are totally valid...giving so much of yourself, does open you up to being vulnerable and hurt.

All you can do is remember that rght now, today, you are in a respectful relationship, deal with now. If you feel a slide in the other direction, address it as soon as you/if you notice it.


BEW, this is an incredibly valid point. OP you are in control here. There's *play* and there's *real life*... unless you allow it to go that way, it won't.

Remember... this guy isn't that other guy. I would highly recommend that you sit down and explain your concerns with him. Tell him that you really enjoy the direction things are going in the bedroom, and are concerned that he will view you differently outside the bedroom and begin to treat you differently as a result. Seriously... the first time he mistreats you outside the bedroom, put him on notice. Stop and look him dead in the eye and tell him that was his *freebie*... if he does *that*again, and be specific about what *that* is, that you will end the relationship right then and there.

Just because you might enjoy a more submissive role in the bedroom, does not make you a doormat. You need to know and understand the difference between bedroom domination/submission and abuse. The other guy was abusive. You know the signs now, you won't let it happen again (I hope).
 oddandy
Joined: 3/5/2008
Msg: 9
rough in bedroom equals...?
Posted: 10/15/2008 1:06:39 PM

I think I just need to be re-schooled a bit and not "expect" in the first place that the next man will repeat the last man's behaviours.


Now, kindly explain this to other women.
 MsMicki
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 13
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rough in bedroom equals...?
Posted: 10/15/2008 5:00:18 PM
Good thread SweatPea.....

You've already been given some great advice........
Now.........relax........and enjoy your man!
 slybandit
Joined: 7/10/2006
Msg: 26
rough in bedroom equals...?
Posted: 10/19/2008 4:05:03 PM
What namrael stated is in my humble opinion precisely correct.

Nothing more to add.
 windloverr
Joined: 2/29/2008
Msg: 27
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rough in bedroom equals...?
Posted: 10/20/2008 9:56:07 AM
deerdog our resident country philosopher nailed it.

However, aggression and respect are not sexual topics; they are topics of general human dynamics.

The psychology of aggression: when you fight with someone, you are, by definition, trying to hurt them, physically or emotionally; and you are doing it on purpose. We've all been in arguments in relationships. You know your partners buttons; and they know yours; and when angry, we push them.

My bet is your partner didn't disrespect you BECAUSE of what you did in the bedroom; he simply knew where you were vulnerable; and took advantage of that to hurt you. He was striking out, he wanted to cause you pain, and he knew where you were weak. What happened in the bedroom is NOT disrespect, it's sex; it's roll playing, or play acting. If I pull my lovers hair, or hold her arms down, it is ABSOLUTELY NOT out of disrespect; it's because I want to give her what she wants. So, in essence, this type of behavior is actually a sign of caring and respect.

A fundamental part of any trusting, loving, relationship is that you give someone your heart, you also give them the ability to break it. What makes a strong relationship strong, is that you know they would die before they took advantage of that. When arguing, they push the little buttons, but not the big ones. The problem is that when relationships go bad, they now have all the keys to all the doors; and if they are unethical and mean spirited they can push the big buttons. The problem is that no matter what you do in the bedroom, you will still be vulnerable to disrespect outside of the bedroom. So changing what you like in the bedroom, won't help.

Open, honest, timely communication is the critical element to a successful relationship. There is no telling WHY your partner was so angry or upset; but you can bet it started off small and grew. The very first time you feel a measure of true disrespect is when you need to put a stop to everything, sit down, and talk about whatever the issues are. So many times it's a very simple misperception, or misunderstanding, that if left unchecked, will grow and fester.


Can I honestly be free and freaky in the bedroom with my partner, and expect him to admire me outside the bedroom for the smart, funny, classy lady I am? I don't want him to forget those qualities - that is what I want to be loved for, with great sex being the product of a great connection.
Actually, this is the ONLY way you can have a successful, happy, healthy, LTR. Good luck.
 Diadora
Joined: 6/16/2008
Msg: 28
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rough in bedroom equals...?
Posted: 10/20/2008 11:27:15 AM
Two things:
1- Time to have an in depth talk to him about the two equal parts of your life
2- And the one I think is most important...NEVER NEVER NEVER let a moment of disrespect pass un called. If he does something desrespect full Tell Him So right then.

If you don't let yourself be treated in a shabby way outside of the bedroom play then your partner won't treat you that way. If you let the time happen..... they will continue to happen.

Sexplay is specific to place and time and atmosphere. Your day to day life has separate rules THAT YOU MUST ENFORCE. You not him.
 Pleasurelimits
Joined: 3/13/2005
Msg: 30
rough in bedroom equals...?
Posted: 10/20/2008 5:21:32 PM
it is interesting to read many people on here espouse the virtues of open and honest communication. Unfortunately many men dont know how to interpret their lovers actions in the bedroom. Many men will read downright openness and a bit of freakyness as being openly slutty. This can lead to poor reactions outside of the bedroom and some times compromising actions in it. Don't assume anything of your partner, and, lengthy discussion, sometimes in the heat of action, is a good thing. I am lucky to have a magnificient lover who appreciates that whatever goes on, is said, or, suggested is purely in the pursuit of maximum eroticism and enjoyment where love making is concerned. It has no bearing on who she is in life outside the bedroom however I personally love the idea of walking up behind her while shopping and pushing my excitement against her butt while she reaches for something on the shelf and gently pulling her hair in anticipation of what cums later. It's all good. however we know each other and what we want/like and those boundaries never interfere with respect for each others life principles, warm yourself up M
 Blondecharmthe3rd
Joined: 8/7/2008
Msg: 33
rough in bedroom equals...?
Posted: 10/21/2008 5:09:18 PM
Play, desire, arousal, rough play, role play.... are part of our sexual lives. Cooking dinner, paying bills, the kiss as we fall asleep at night are part of every day life. I won't lick his nuts in public, he won't pull my hair in the middle of Walmart. Its about time and place, and of course appropriateness.

Aggression over and above sexually, then there is an issue if you think it is (I think it is). But if he doesn't confuse the two, whats the issue? Your past? If he is treating you well, don't blame him for someone else's mistakes and disrespect.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 34
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rough in bedroom equals...?
Posted: 10/21/2008 5:20:28 PM
Just talk to him and tell him how you feel. Make sure you have a safe word even though you don't ever think you will need it if he gets too into it. If it is clear that this is only in the bedroom and only within the context of rough play, I don't see a problem with it filtering to other areas.
 Willsniffurundies
Joined: 4/7/2008
Msg: 35
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rough in bedroom equals...?
Posted: 10/21/2008 5:44:21 PM
If you wanted a man who would respect you outside of the bedroom but treat you like a slut in the bedroom (in the fun sense) then you should be dating a guy like ME.
It seems to ME the issue is about your choice of men and/or your ability or inability to communicate with him.
Simple.
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