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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Is this something that should be bothering me this much?      Home login  
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 GoneSailinBabe
Joined: 7/6/2008
Msg: 5
Is this something that should be bothering me this much?Page 1 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
He sounds young, immature and not ready for the type of relationship you are wanting to have with you.

Move out.

You're the cow and he's getting the milk for free, when he wants to, and not actively participating in a real adult relationship with you.

You can and will do better on your own.
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 6
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Is this something that should be bothering me this much?
Posted: 10/15/2008 4:00:26 PM
It bothers you, so there's not much sense in wondering if it bothers you "too much"

What about it that bothers you, might be useful to look at... it is simply you like to make plans and he likes to keep things loose, is it you feel he is not wanting to spend time with you, or places a higher value on his friendships, is it you think he is lying to you or has different priorities?

What's "so often"? Does this happen weekly, monthly? You've mentioned 2 x and indicated you don't spend much time together... is the issue that you really care that you spend time together when you can?
Is it about who initiates it? Is it really about missing him? << does this problem really only arise when you're feeling disconnected?

Is it a communication/planning incompatibility or disconnect? Is he thinking something that is loosely planned isn't really a plan, while you feel loosely planned means carved in stone?

What's keeping you up at night? Irritation over planning differences/styles or feeling lied to or feeling unimportant/not valued?
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 8
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Is this something that should be bothering me this much?
Posted: 10/15/2008 4:04:43 PM
You have totally different goals and he doesn't care what you think and you have been hiding what you want to say because you are afraid you'll lose him. Lose him. This isn't going to work at all unless you like the drama and whining and always being ignored and he likes to disrespect you and you are both happy to live that way. What do you think the answer is?
 clasact
Joined: 1/18/2008
Msg: 14
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Is this something that should be bothering me this much?
Posted: 10/15/2008 4:22:30 PM
Obviously he's disappointed you with this behavior.

Really, it seems as though he'd rather spend his time with his friends and fish than with you. I don't know if he's lying about being with his friends or is actually with someone else.

Regarding the cancellations or the last minute cancellations of plans and telling you, you have the plans you two have made wrong and you misunderstood etc...he sounds a bit sadistic and of course controlling.

OP, he's "reeling" you in and "throwing" you back at his leisure.
 CHAOTICBEAUTINESS
Joined: 9/22/2008
Msg: 15
Is this something that should be bothering me this much?
Posted: 10/15/2008 4:32:52 PM
Did you say that you ever saw any of his fish?

This story sounds way too fishy.

You know he is in the pond already.
 Yotta1rou
Joined: 2/28/2006
Msg: 17
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Is this something that should be bothering me this much?
Posted: 10/15/2008 4:45:22 PM
Krystina,

If youve honestly sat him down and talked to him seriously about this.., and he hasnt changed and he did it when you werent living together promised you to not do it again and now youre living together and he's doing it again. I know you dont wanna hear this gurl cuz you love him but its time to leave. Dont wait and put it off. It sucks and if he wants to change he will. But take it from a guy who has lived with someone for 7 years and and watched it all fall apart.., Dont learn your lessons like I did. Dont sacrifice yourself to try and make it work and not having the other person doing their part. Youre already losing sleep and torn up over it. Youre a gorgeous young girl and theres gonna be someone that is gonna take care of you out there like you do them. Dont settle. You already know deep down whether its gonna work or not. Go with that gut feeling and do what you have to. Take care.

Quinn
 Unikshik
Joined: 4/21/2007
Msg: 19
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Is this something that should be bothering me this much?
Posted: 10/15/2008 5:17:19 PM
My advise is: Move out, he does not deserve you. You are too young and too pretty to be waiting around for someone who does not want to spend quality time with you. When someone truly loves you all that matters is you. I wish you luck.!
 transcend
Joined: 1/13/2007
Msg: 29
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Is this something that should be bothering me this much?
Posted: 10/15/2008 10:16:21 PM
why should you expect anyone to treat you fairly?
Do you think you deserve reciprocity?
expect others to be what they are
anything else will create confusion
and lead to frustration.

If you hear barking in the distance
you know it isnt cats.....or fish

stop thinking he will suddenly become something he isnt
or just stop thinking
 arwen52
Joined: 3/13/2008
Msg: 30
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Is this something that should be bothering me this much?
Posted: 10/15/2008 10:42:45 PM
When someone repeatedly stands me up for plans, I quit making plans ahead of time with them. I tell them I enjoy their company but it wastes my time when they do that. I'd love to spend time with them and in the future, they should call me *when they are actually ready to do the thing they want to do* and if I'm available, fine. If not, call me again next time. Then I go about making plans to do whatever. I suppose this would be more difficult to do with a boyfriend, especially a live-in boyfriend.

Maybe you need to ask him to actually write down when it is that he's talking about doing whatever with you so there can be no misunderstanding. Have *him* write the date and time on a calendar.

Only you know if the rest of the relationship is good enough to put up with him being so unreliable. Sounds like he has no sense of commitment and that his fishing buddies are more of a priority than you are.
 MsMicki
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 35
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Is this something that should be bothering me this much?
Posted: 10/16/2008 5:54:35 PM

lilly.von.schtupp: make plans to take him out for a very nice dinner. tell him about it and ask him to pick his favorite place. give it a nice buildup. then at the last minute you say, sorry hon, i'm going out drinking with my friends.


and then he pays her back.....and then she pays him back.....
yeah.....great strategy for a relationship.....

Speak up .......tell him u need some quality time w/ him.....if doesn't give it...he's made your mind up for u...
 EthericWhisper
Joined: 7/12/2008
Msg: 36
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Is this something that should be bothering me this much?
Posted: 10/17/2008 12:53:34 PM

probably know the answer, but I'm not sure. So, what do you all think?


Personally, I think he may not be a good fit for you. Please understand that I am just some lady telling you what she thinks. You must weigh out your options, and ultimately decide what is best for you. The choice is always yours. Take responsibility for staying in the relationship, that would be a good first step.

You can continue to be frustrated, and in pain, and allow that circle of energy to flow, or change things.

How?

Change your mind. Don't allow his actions to upset you. Come to the conclusion (as you have experienced it) that he is not reliable, and have back up plans, or just spend a comfortable evening with a very important person (you!) when he stands you up.

Find someone who has a better sense of integrity, and who holds the relationship at the same level as you do.

Talking and talking repeatedly about the same thing has not worked. Time to try something new.

Best wishes in your decision towards your Highest Good.
 Alli_K
Joined: 10/14/2008
Msg: 46
Is this something that should be bothering me this much?
Posted: 10/18/2008 12:14:59 AM
Remember young women mature faster than fellows do.
You have a" boy not a man" pushing your buttons and you're letting him..

time to say Ciao baby when you stop wearing short pants call me! Second thought don't
 Alli_K
Joined: 10/14/2008
Msg: 48
Is this something that should be bothering me this much?
Posted: 10/18/2008 12:49:11 AM

four days at sixty five makes you a predator...and you know it

I really wish people like you would just find other predators to feed on...


Wait one second, did you just call me a predator?
 Alli_K
Joined: 10/14/2008
Msg: 50
Is this something that should be bothering me this much?
Posted: 10/18/2008 3:52:03 AM

yes i did. you bring negative approach to subjects you have no insight on..

and you do so in such a manner as to undermine self worth...

prove me wrong and i'll recant...otherwise live with it...i certainly can


First of all I am not about to get into any internet diatribes with someone on a discussion forum. I responded to this young lady in a way that perhaps was not to your liking - each to their own. But lets look at the situation and not get into tirades over personalities. She is a young woman of 19, she makes plans, the boyfriend breaks the plans on several occasions.. This tells me and others (since the consensus is fairly equal that he shows disregard for her feelings.) Opting to leave her stranded. After they made set plans.
As far as self worth, how do you expect her to have some when she feels beaten down emotionally?


Feeling lied to, unimportant, etc. The fact that it doesn't seem to matter to him that I have sacrificed a lot to spend time with him and he just doesn't seem to make an effort if it is in conflict with something that he sees as 'just relaxation.' I can understand that he wants to relax, and I usually don't care when he goes, but he has a set schedule of EVERY Saturday and Monday off, and so do the people he goes fishing with (they work together). I, on the other hand, don't have a set schedule, so if and when I do get a day off that is on a Saturday or Monday, it is very rare. In other words, it's not like they can't reschedule for the following day off, we can't. And I would request a specific day off, but he keeps rescheduling our dates, so it's not a for sure thing.


He shows a complete lack in maturity, does not respect her feelings or he rather go out with his fishing buddies. Putting her last. Does that show that he is a caring and mature partner?

Now as far as my comment that girls mature faster than boys. It has already been proven by Psychologists and the scientific communties, girls mature at least two years ahead of boys during puberty. Put a 15 year old girl and a 15 year old boy together just by behaviour and physiology there is a considerable difference.... in most - not all I'm not making a blanket statement here to cause more discourse with you.
Sometimes it just breaks down to being as simple as an intellectual gender gap.

But going back to the topic. A relationship has to be worked on on various levels and both should be on the same page majority of the time to be successful. It's apparent that he is either clueless or just doesn't care about her needs.

Maybe some time apart would give them each their own perspective how they want things to progress. Hopefully gaining some of the self esteem she has lost.

When my daughter was 19 she was experiencing something very similar. So I do have some insight and I would tell her the same thing. When he starts to act like an adult then see . If he doesn't then go your separate ways. Perhaps he hasn't reached the level where he knows how to be a partner in a live-in situation.

She is a beautiful girl, At 19 she should not have to settle. Would you do anything less if the situation were reversed?

Anyway have a good day.



 ImAHotMess
Joined: 7/11/2008
Msg: 56
Is this something that should be bothering me this much?
Posted: 10/18/2008 8:09:12 AM
If you have been with this guy 3 years and this crap is going on, I would re evaluate the whole situation. Not being there it is really difficult to really say what to do, but from what I see.....he is manipulating your feelings and it will boil down to what you feel like dealing with. For me, I would not tolorate it. Why? It just does not seem like a normal situation. If I want to get used, it will be on my terms. Not someone else's.
 Cynderella
Joined: 3/8/2007
Msg: 60
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Is this something that should be bothering me this much?
Posted: 10/19/2008 4:39:17 AM

that I can go


Go and have fun...fishing is great.

Hun, boys/men love to go out with buddies, join in!!! Some of my best times were hungin' with the guys.

Good Luck.
 mthomjmark
Joined: 2/27/2008
Msg: 61
Is this something that should be bothering me this much?
Posted: 10/19/2008 6:18:57 AM
OP you two should be living together like George Bush should be president; the break up rate of people living together within 3-5 years is 89% and climbs as time goes on; you worship this guy but he doesnt' worship you; most young guys are not monogamous and I'm sure he's not too; he's young and not ready to play house like the 2 of you are.

Ask the women on this site in their 30's and even late 20's if they are with the guy they were with when they were 19? not many.

YOu need to stop the nonsense; your extremely naive; you live separate lives, come home so you can have sex and share the bills and thats it; sounds magical.

You are a convenience to him, and vice versa. You both dont want any rules in your life and you want to do as you please but you both are way too immature to be so exclusive. Move back home, get serious about your life because you have a ton of growing up to do.
 want to travel
Joined: 7/29/2006
Msg: 65
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Is this something that should be bothering me this much?
Posted: 10/22/2008 8:25:22 AM
sound to me he is taking you for granted,you are letting him do it
he does not sound like a very good person, you should ask yourself if you are worth more, or are you happy being a 'convenience ' for this man/boy
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