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 Jessie145
Joined: 9/3/2005
Msg: 1
Who Pays What When Your Cohabiting???Page 1 of 8    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)
Hey Guys and Girls,

My boyfriend and I have been dating a year (we met on POF) and I moved in with him a couple months ago. We have since had several arguements over finances. Usually I would say split the bills 50/50, fair is fair, BUT, I am a student and have very little income, so I pay what I can. He is an electrician with two daughters and we are always struggling to make ends meet. Last month he bought a new vehicle ($50 more a month than his previous vehicle) and now wants to cut the cable to ease the pressure a bit. I still want the cable. Should I be expected to pay the cable bill?

Your feedback is appreciated.

Jessica
 pazoozoo
Joined: 8/28/2006
Msg: 2
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Who Pays What When Your Cohabiting???
Posted: 10/17/2008 8:09:08 AM
If it is your choice to keep cable, it is your responsibility to pay the bill.
 Raging Heart-on
Joined: 8/4/2008
Msg: 3
Who Pays What When Your Cohabiting???
Posted: 10/17/2008 8:18:58 AM
You should pay for the cable BUT ...


...kick him in the nuts if you catch him watching it !
 WhiteWaterRogue
Joined: 4/3/2007
Msg: 4
Who Pays What When Your Cohabiting???
Posted: 10/17/2008 8:22:42 AM
You should be paying 1/4 of the cable if his kids live with you, all the the bills for that matter, food especially.

Ok, maybe not 1/4th, but, your obligation to the household in a non-married relationship should certainly not be 1/2 when your partner has kids that also consume household resources. They still are HIS kids; his financial responsibility.

Did you agree to the new vehicle before it was purchased? Did the two of you discuss the impact that choice would make on the household? Or did he make this decision on his own?

If you agree to pay the cable bill alone, then I also would suspect you are the only one watching cable too...
 webweebil
Joined: 9/4/2008
Msg: 5
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Who Pays What When Your Cohabiting???
Posted: 10/17/2008 8:23:40 AM
Actually, it depends. If what you are already contributing is paying for his daughters food and clothing, etc., I'd take a pencil and paper to it and break it down. Nothing like making the numbers real when it comes to budgeting. And? His vehicle is all his as yours is all yours and you shouldn't have to help pay for it.
 salemnmerlin
Joined: 10/28/2007
Msg: 6
Who Pays What When Your Cohabiting???
Posted: 10/17/2008 8:24:56 AM
Jessica,
You have to make a stand now, you have just moved in together and 50/50 spliit is fair on the apartment bills. Now he wants to cut the cable what is next because he has taken on another expense. He should have looked at the financial side of his purchase before it was made. I think he should have discussed this before he made his purchase if he couldn't afford the extra. There needs to be communication especially this early in.
-J-
 Jessie145
Joined: 9/3/2005
Msg: 7
Who Pays What When Your Cohabiting???
Posted: 10/17/2008 8:33:50 AM
I have not been on POF since I was single (over a year ago now) and, hence, haven't changed my status. However, I know that POF is a great place to get people's views on things and that's what I'm here for-Advice, not critisism.

Thanks for your point of view.

Jessica
 Raging Heart-on
Joined: 8/4/2008
Msg: 8
Who Pays What When Your Cohabiting???
Posted: 10/17/2008 8:34:40 AM
Tracy, you must be new here. Some posters here are like vultures who need to critcise and judge to feel better about themselves. Relax.
 WhiteWaterRogue
Joined: 4/3/2007
Msg: 9
Who Pays What When Your Cohabiting???
Posted: 10/17/2008 8:37:04 AM
Hey, its not hard changing the status of your profile....do it.
 BigDaddyJinx
Joined: 11/4/2006
Msg: 10
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Who Pays What When Your Cohabiting???
Posted: 10/17/2008 8:38:01 AM

My boyfriend and I have been dating a year (we met on POF) and I moved in with him a couple months ago.

OP - this would be referred to as Mistake Number 1.


We have since had several arguements [sic] over finances.

This is the most common side effect of Mistake Number 1.


Usually I would say split the bills 50/50, fair is fair, BUT, I am a student and have very little income, so I pay what I can.

And this is WHY the above is the most common side effect of Mistake Number 1.


He is an electrician with two daughters and we are always struggling to make ends meet.

We can easily see this is an attempt to rationalize the above stated "WHY" principle, the old "He makes more than me" gambit.


Ultimately Jessica, both of you share equal parts irresponsibility in this. I dare say you weren't suddenly the stereotypical "struggling student" after you moved in together, so he knew that you were before he agreed to the cohabitation. You knew it too though, and you knew what finances you would or would not have at your disposal. If that wasn't ever 50/50, neither one of you should've proceeded any further with the arrangement, at least the cohabitation piece. So because he's an electrician, he should be compelled to foot the lion's share (and pay support to 2 daughters) because you're the "struggling student"?

He made the mistake to agree to this arrangement, knowing you were broke. You made the mistake of the arrangement knowing you were broke. Paying "what you can" is like living with your folks, or residency at a hostel...not to be confused with cohabitation. If you can't afford the 50/50 split, cohabitation is not gonna work...eventually (as you see clearly) this will lead to arguments, or at worst, power trips on one side. Be glad it hasn't gone quite that far yet, though it's not outside the realm of possibility.

Since he's paying the lion's share already, and sees the cable as an item he no longer needs/requires, if you still want it then you're damn right you should be paying it. He doesn't want it, YOU do. Why should HE pay for something you want? He got a newer vehicle with HIS money...and needs to eliminate unneeded frills to compensate the additional cost for it, hence the trimming of the cable. If it's that important to you that it's kept, expect to pay it yourself then. He's only struggling to make ends meet 'cause HE has to pay well more than his share. If it was 50/50 as it should be, this wouldn't be a struggle.

Your best bet, ideally, is to get yourself outta this arrangement, or at the very least, have a talk with him. Explain that you both knew you were broke before you moved in, and if he's uncomfortable paying more than his share, then this needs to end and both find your own place. The arguments will get worse from here, of that you can be assured. If he accepts that he will be paying more than his share just to keep you around, then he is doing so willingly and now it's been formally discussed, so you remove one of his weapons for later fights. However, bear in mind that even though you'll remove that one weapon, the "I pay more than you so I have all the power" type trips will soon follow once he figures it all out. Count on it. If that's a life you want, knock yourself out...I know I could never do it.

If you wanna salvage the relationship, there will need to be "the talk", or you'll just both need to find separate places for the time being and try again later when you're not broke. I see certain doom for both of you if you stay under the same roof right now, but that's just my observation.

Either way, the cable bill is all yours now if you insist on having it. It's the price you pay for luxuries. Get used to it.

Best of luck.

 acitalriwt sixela
Joined: 5/5/2008
Msg: 11
Who Pays What When Your Cohabiting???
Posted: 10/17/2008 8:48:20 AM

Last month he bought a new vehicle ($50 more a month than his previous vehicle) and now wants to cut the cable to ease the pressure a bit.


What was plan to pay for new vehicle when you discuss it last month?
 pretty moon
Joined: 6/25/2008
Msg: 12
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Who Pays What When Your Cohabiting???
Posted: 10/17/2008 8:52:05 AM
There are so many variable here. Is it his home? Does he have a mortgage? Do his kids live with him?

The best arragement would have been a set fee monthly before you moved in.
You are not responsible for his car payments nor he yours. He is responsible for his kids.

Why oh Why OH WHY....arent these things discussed and agreed upon before two people move in together.

If you had a set fee when moving in and wanted something additional that he didnt already have....like call waiting in a phone (its just an example folks) or an upgrade in cable or internet...then you pay........its your wish to have it.

Living together and being married are two different circumstances.

NOW..Go get your own place lol


GOOD LUCK
 Jessie145
Joined: 9/3/2005
Msg: 13
Who Pays What When Your Cohabiting???
Posted: 10/17/2008 8:56:10 AM
Princess,

My status is changed to "Living together" I am definitely not trying to decieve. I've spent the past year committed to him and helping him raise his two young daughters on a day-to-say basis so I am definitely committed, proud of it and would never lie about it.

For clarification purposes:

I give him half of my monthly income to put towards whatever bills he sees fit (he usually puts it towards his daughters daycare bills) AND I pay half of the food. I did NOT like the idea of the new, more expensive truck, and I also take both his daughters 2 and from school and daycare, help them with homework, bath them, brush their teeth, hair, put them to bed and absolutely love them all to bits and bits (hence why I do it) In addition, I am a full time grad student and I work part time as a research assistant, so it's not like I sit on the couch and watch TV as I watch my man work his butt off to pay for it. I mean it when I say I do what I can in whatever way I can, I just enjoy watch TV on my breaks etc. However, if it's my bill it's my bill and I'm okay with that. I just wanted to know what people thought.

Thanks for all the feedback I appreciate it.

Jessica
 ~vhdc~
Joined: 10/1/2007
Msg: 14
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Who Pays What When Your Cohabiting???
Posted: 10/17/2008 9:00:50 AM
You agreed to move in together finances should have been discussed before the move. The fact that you are a student does not make you any less responsible for your fair share of the living expenses. If you want cable, lights, heat, food, water and that roof over your head be prepared to pay half.
 acitalriwt sixela
Joined: 5/5/2008
Msg: 15
Who Pays What When Your Cohabiting???
Posted: 10/17/2008 9:01:13 AM

I give him half of my monthly income


In this case, if you want cable, use your personal money to pay for the cable bill.

Just as if he want more expensive truck he should use his personal money to pay for the cost differents.

Shared bills should be agreed to.
 webweebil
Joined: 9/4/2008
Msg: 16
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Who Pays What When Your Cohabiting???
Posted: 10/17/2008 9:02:55 AM
I think you're doing more than your share. Taking care of his daughters is a HUGE contribution. Do you have any money left to save for yourself? You really should be taking care of that.
 ProcolHarem
Joined: 8/29/2008
Msg: 17
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Who Pays What When Your Cohabiting???
Posted: 10/17/2008 9:16:40 AM
OP,
Ok , you've written two threads regarding your relationship with the fellow you chose to move in with. Neither one positive.
Does that not tell you something???
 salsa35
Joined: 8/23/2008
Msg: 18
Who Pays What When Your Cohabiting???
Posted: 10/17/2008 9:18:09 AM
Suzie Orman the Financial Guru who wrote several books one of which she devised a formula for who pays what expenses when married. (in this case we will apply the formula to cohabitation couples). But basically whoever makes more money in the household contributed more. If you are in school go to the library and check out her books and find the formula for married couples. I hope this helps.
 Dempcey
Joined: 8/5/2008
Msg: 19
Who Pays What When Your Cohabiting???
Posted: 10/17/2008 9:25:20 AM
I just can't understand why all the bills and each others income wasn't discussed before living together....but deal is done.

Look, one can do badly by themselves and two incomes weather small, large or larger is better than one income.

You are SUPPOSED to be working as a team.

Instead of cancelling the cable how anout just down grading it? Buying a new car right now wasn't the brightest move and seems a bit selfish on his behalf (unless the prior car was to damnaged to drive).

As far as him having kids YOU KNEW he had KIDS before you moved in no? So this shouldn't even be an issue. You didn't know children cost a lot of money and time?

No I'm not picking on you, but being a student I would have thought your education would have been more important right now rather than chosing a mate with a lot of responisbilities. Many students go without cable.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 20
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Who Pays What When Your Cohabiting???
Posted: 10/17/2008 9:31:21 AM
Well, since he is paying most of the bills then unless you can come up with the money for cable then it is his right to shut it off. Cable is a luxury and as a struggling student you should understand that you are getting a very good deal already. He's your boyfriend not your father so by subsidising your bills he's doing you a pretty big favor. Did you not discuss finances before shacking up?
 Frau Blücher
Joined: 8/27/2006
Msg: 21
Who Pays What When Your Cohabiting???
Posted: 10/17/2008 9:34:08 AM
I agree that your financial arrangements should have been discussed before you moved in together, but it’s too late for that now. I am assuming that you two are cohabitating because you are in love, committed to one another, and this is a “forever” arrangement (i.e., marriage without the license). If you guys are in it “for the long haul”, then taking into account your present circumstances (i.e., struggling student with limited income) a 50/50 split of expenses seems unreasonable. If you bring in, say, 20% of the total household income, then why not contribute 20% toward the expenses, with said contribution increasing exponentially as your income increases? You can also subsidize this by contributing more to the household in non-monetary ways (e.g., perform more chores, errands, etc. than your BF).

This is not a roommate situation; it is two people with kids in tow creating a new family together. You and your BF are now a team. Your schooling is important, and your earning potential is going to increase (it’s not like you’re sitting on your bum, moochin’ off your man). Compromise and communicate (oh, and that means you and your mate should not make major purchases, like a vehicle, without consulting with one another and coming to an agreement about it first).

As for the cable, do you have a household budget? If not, set one up. See if there are other areas where cost savings can be recognized to help pay for it (a budget will also help reduce the number of arguments the erupt over finances). If possible, get a cheaper cable package or try switching cable providers; many offer incentives and promotions to get you to sign with them (i.e., you’d probably get a nice reduced rate for your first year of service). Good luck to you!
 Suggles
Joined: 6/13/2007
Msg: 22
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Who Pays What When Your Cohabiting???
Posted: 10/17/2008 10:02:12 AM
Jessica,
Read your 2nd post with interest, explained much better the sitution. Maybe the finances were discussed before you moved in but things do change, thats why I believe a couple need to keep talking. From the sound of it you would pay more if you could and in the future you will be able to. Sounds like you do quite a bit to help out and if you lok at what a 'nanny' would cost then surely that is helping out cutting costs (although you do have the added side that you enjoy it). Looking after children is a job in its self, in my humble opinion one of the hardest.
Dont stop talking, you will find a solution as long as you talk. It would be a shame to lose all that you 2 and the children have over 'cable'.

Talk, dont 'point score', and try not to allow others 'opinons' worry you. We are all different in the way we look at things. What matters is you, your other half and the children.

Good luck

Glenn
 GGarbo
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 23
Who Pays What When Your Cohabiting???
Posted: 10/17/2008 10:03:14 AM
I've paid 50/50 in all my relationships and have to admit I resented it at times because the guy usually made a lot more. My contributions gave him a better life but sometimes I was paying for things I didn't want or feel that necessary....like cable. At times when things got tight I would give up cable. If you have internet you don't really need it but found I was sacrificing things like maybe going out with my friends or going to lunch with colleagues to maintain the lifestyle he wanted.

At the same time where they made more money I felt like I had less of a say. But seeing how a lot of other couples were doing it I was making mistakes and paying too much attention the money and individual fairness based on that. In a relationship it isn't supposed to matter who makes more money and you have as much as a say as the person who makes more.

If you have a household budget then you make decisions as a household. You may not agree and maybe even have the odd dispute but if you are planning TOGETHER then it doesn't turn into a blame game.
 zentral
Joined: 10/30/2005
Msg: 24
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Who Pays What When Your Cohabiting???
Posted: 10/17/2008 10:49:15 AM
I think the cable bill is your responsibility now, if you want to keep it. However, it sounds like finances in general are an issue, so it's never too late to sit down and create a budget and an agreement about who contributes what. Some expenses are clearly shared or mutually beneficial and should be split, such as housing - unless the benefit is unequal, such as would occur if he owns the home and is building equity and getting a tax deduction for mortgage interest. The truck is probably solely his vehicle, titled in his name - so it should be entirely his responsibility to pay for it.

However, things aren't always clear or fair or equal. you need to negotiate how to handle the bills based on a budget based on real receipts and bills. You should both have some personal spending money left over to use as you please, unless things are too tight even for that. Then put it in writing and attach the budget. Review it whenever circumstances change. As usual, communication is the key to resolving problems.
 corindan
Joined: 7/13/2008
Msg: 25
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Who Pays What When Your Cohabiting???
Posted: 10/17/2008 10:54:57 AM
You should split it all 50-50 and neither should do anything financial without the other's approval...in the best of all possible situations. He should not have gotten the car without your OK. Whose name is the cable in? That is who has the legal right to shut it off. You are learning how stupid, selfish, etc, each other are, and you may decide that the relationhip is not worth maintaining. You are not married, but should be acting as if you were. If you don't like each other now you won't like each other better after a weddng. In a live in situation, each of you should be on your best behavior...showing the other that you can be a great spouse if things evolve that way. If his/your best behavior is not so great, forget ever getting married, and reconsider even living together. If he had to bear most of the financial burden for awhile-as he has more income/fewer bills-and you made it up after you graduate and get a job, that should be fine. However, if it is going to be 6 months, a year, or several years, before you can pay your fair share, he is more like your daddy than your spouse, and he gets to decide things. Money is a great destroyer of relatioships...because it brings out the worst in people. The relationhip must "adjust, or die". If he needed a more reliable car for businesss/work he needed it. You do not 'need' cable tv. Who pays how much, and when, is something you should have both agreed to-in writing, with signatures-before moving in together. Do it now. Draw up an agreement, have both of you sign it, and stick to it. If you want cable, and he doesn't, you should pay for it...or you should both split the cost. Figure something out, but talk to him-not us-about it.
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