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Show ALL Forums  > Broken Hearts  > Please help me understand her      Home login  
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 Kvo
Joined: 8/20/2008
Msg: 1
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Please help me understand herPage 1 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
Hey guys, ill try and keep this short as possible. Im 22 and my ex is the same age. Weve been together almost 6 years. We were on and off like a tap at one stage but she always came back. Recently (3/4months ago) i told her i needed space, she just started a new job about 6 months ago, because i was feeling that we were seeing each other way too much. But after nearly 2 weeks of not seeing her i realised i really needed her. When i asked if she was ready to try again she said that she needed space and this went on for about a month. During this time i found out through a friend that shed been seeing a new guy from work. I was heartbroken. I asked her and she said shed been meaning to tell me and that she was sorry.

I really want her back and have tried the no contact rule a lot. but every time i try it she gives it about 2 weeks and then texts again to say shes sorry about all that happened. Then we text for a bit and i talk about wether she wants me back or not and sometimes she says that she does but doesnt think itll work. Shes still with the guy from her work by the way. She text again this morning after two weeks of no contact saying .im really sorry for hurting you. i don expect u to forgive me but i really am, been thinkin a lot about u this past week and just need you to know how sorry i am. i miss you. So i txt her for a bit and we got to talking about us again. She seemed like she might give us another go but a few hours later shed changed her mind again because her mum seemingly told her we werent right for each other, Now im right back to square one.

I really need her back guys ive been depressed fotthe last three months and cant stop thinking of her. So please any advice? Is there anything i can tell her thatll make her come back to me, because if she wasnt interested i dont think shed txt and say sorry for how we ended (because she had already said all this the last time we text)
 Kvo
Joined: 8/20/2008
Msg: 2
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Please help me understand her
Posted: 10/20/2008 1:23:43 PM
I really dont want to move on Krys, and dont think she does either. I did change my number but she got it again. I wanna tell her not to text again cause i find it a little easier when i dont hear from her because i can pretend that she doesnt care but deep down i know she does. I cant let go. Shes the first thing i think about when i wake and the last thing i think about when i try to sleep. And when i sleep shes almost always in my dreams. I have never felt so depressed and dont even wanna get up in the mornings anymore.
Thanks for the advice.
 Kvo
Joined: 8/20/2008
Msg: 3
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Please help me understand her
Posted: 10/20/2008 2:32:54 PM
Thanks just em, have just told her that shes hurting me a little more each time shes texts and that i need to have her not textin me again. Everytime she does i find myself reading too much into messages and finding things that just arent there. I think its putting me crazy.
 Ron9
Joined: 8/10/2004
Msg: 4
Please help me understand her
Posted: 10/20/2008 2:54:34 PM
Sometimes (often) people don’t want what they can have.

Convince yourself that you are fine and you are moving on. If you actually mean it ...... then she can deal with that.

BTW OP ........... you started THIS ROUND with your “I need some space” - she gave it to you.
 nexthyme
Joined: 9/12/2007
Msg: 5
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Please help me understand her
Posted: 10/20/2008 3:04:26 PM
Sometimes Kev, if you let go of the one you love, they let go back.

Sure she sees you as familair, and a security blanket, but in reality, she is missing that good times, BUT not what wasn't good.

I am glad you told her to stop texting. I have no doubt she still has some love for you, but she also is young, and the two of you seem to NOT have experienced others. Perhaps this is a really good time for the both of you to do some real growing.

IF things are meant to be between the two of you, it will, in the mean time let it go, and stop texting back. You don't need to read any text from her, and maybe she will realize too that she has lost something she should have valued. HOWEVER I would NOT count that as a probability.

Good luck, go find yourself, you are young and need to experience some of lifes funner things at 22
 Diadora
Joined: 6/16/2008
Msg: 6
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Please help me understand her
Posted: 10/20/2008 4:05:58 PM
You have got to get some perspective. You were super close for 6 years. 6 years at a time in a persons life where connections are made very very deeply. BUT, often those connects are not meant to last in the same way for the rest of your life.. ..... all the back and forth are because you are now "family" to each other and that won't change. But you are no longer BF & GF and the sooner you both realize that the easier it will be for both of you to move on to others to fill that space in your life.. Think about it then talk to her about what your relationship is really then you can support each other in moving along.
 Kvo
Joined: 8/20/2008
Msg: 7
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Please help me understand her
Posted: 10/21/2008 2:01:30 PM
Thank you all for your kind replies, and i have taken some good advice from them. i acutally asked her to meet up a lot as i didnt want it all done thru text mesages but she seemed set against meeting up. Ive seen now that i have to at least try and move on and if she comes back sometime in the future i can assess the situation then. The thing is i have no doubt that she will come back at some stage as she always has. But i hope by then i can have the willpower to not go begging her back when she gets in contact again. I think if i acted cool with us being broke up then she would start to want me back but its not in my mentality to play games, i prefer to tell her whats in my heart and to be straight with her, although she seems to like playing games, anyway, thank you all for the advice. Ill try and move on although we did break up before for nearly 7months and i couldnt move on then. Still thought about her every day
 Kvo
Joined: 8/20/2008
Msg: 9
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Please help me understand her
Posted: 10/22/2008 1:27:07 PM
These are all very wise posts and i thank you all for your input. its certainly helping me understand a bit more. i still hope she finishes with the other guy and comes back to me tho. But until then i will stay away from her and try to move on. I would change anything i could to have her back though.
 Kvo
Joined: 8/20/2008
Msg: 10
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Please help me understand her
Posted: 10/23/2008 10:15:55 AM
Thanks mr clean, thats good advice! but it seems the more obvious i make it i want her back the further i push her away! Although maybe ill leave it a few weeks and then send the flowers, just so she knows i still care.
 nexthyme
Joined: 9/12/2007
Msg: 11
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Please help me understand her
Posted: 10/23/2008 10:33:42 AM
She moves further away from you indicating it is done, over on HER terms.

That is hard to deal with and accept when you would really like the person back, however don't take it to lightly that she has a new man.

Speaking from experience and holding a love for someone wrong for me for an extremely long time, I had a very hard time moving forward.

Over two years later we kind of got back together, then all the sudden he needed space. Denied it was another woman, but by then the damage was done and I was really out of there.

I got involved with someone else, and at first it took a little while to open up letting him in, but once I did, mr in the past was put there, and will be for good. No matter what happens with the man I am with now.

This was over 6 yrs, and shug I am an oldster compared to you.

You and she have this history of comfort, amoung all the other things that aren't right. She enjoys the good parts, but moves back because she is moving forward.

It is a very lovely thought to just become aggressive and pretend mr new guy isn't there, but that isn't how she is feeling, and just makes you look desperate, and more rotten to her mum.

Sorry but sometimes last chance happen a ways back. It is part of growing up, and even learning about relationships.
 Cynderella
Joined: 3/8/2007
Msg: 12
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Please help me understand her
Posted: 10/23/2008 10:07:56 PM
A yo-yo relationship...

I need space...then I don't need space.

I don't want you but I don't want anyone to have you.

We never know what we have till it's gone.

You needed space this gave her space...and now you have all the space you'll ever need.

We all should be careful for what we wish for.
 Kvo
Joined: 8/20/2008
Msg: 13
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Please help me understand her
Posted: 10/24/2008 10:14:54 AM
Mykdeebo, thats the best reply i've heard yet, thanks for that. I already was needy to her on Monday but i then cut off contact with her claiming that she was only messing me about. Havent heard from her since but after reading the above posts i do not intend to contact her, and if she contacts me i will not be so available again. I am against playing mind games but think this might be my only hope. Marianas post was also a good one and i picked up a good idea from it, If she does contact then i will ignore it as i dont want to constantly be wondering if shes leading us both on. She needs to make a choice and stop f'cking me about! Im sure you guys are all sick to death of this subject now!
 nexthyme
Joined: 9/12/2007
Msg: 14
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Please help me understand her
Posted: 10/24/2008 4:01:40 PM
Kev, actually no, because we love the drama that people are willing to post here...

JUST KIDDING.

Really most of us regular arm chair shrinks think a lot about the replies we post.

I am glad to hear that you are cutting contact, and I hope that you are doing it NOT to try and gain her back, but rather to help yourself mend.

You are young and have a lot of things you probably coould be doing to continue to prepare for your adult life. Intimacy and relationships aren't everything, and sometimes upping our own real estate makes us more desirable to a larger group of people than simply existing. Meaning if you aren't in school, or have a good solid career going, then perhaps now is the time to figure out what you really want to do with your life.

What are YOUR goals as a man?

This is unneeded drama, and only taps into your energy. At this point she has made a choice to be with this other guy, therefore you need not be there for her if she is stumbling, or falling.

I have no doubt she loves you both, but wants to see where things will go with this new guy.

We live, we love, and sometimes we lose. However sometimes the full picture of what is a head of us can be so wonderful, that this time and hurt with her, will only be an ink spot on your blanket of lifes experience.

Be strong, because the hearts emotions are tough when you love someone. Love yourself more, and become the person YOU want to meet.
 Kvo
Joined: 8/20/2008
Msg: 15
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Please help me understand her
Posted: 10/26/2008 5:27:44 AM
Thanks all for the kind replies, no doubt i will next week when its her nieces birthday she will text askin me how im doin and if i want to call and visit her niece(shes 2 and is visiting from england with her parents) But i dont no how to react if she does, after reading the above posts i know i really gotta just tell her where to go, its just hard. I honestly think shes playing mind games because she had no reason to text again she had said her goodbyes 2 weeks previous to texting me. I honestly think if i were to blank her for a few weeks and not return her texts or calls she would come running straight back to me, lately she phoned and told me she was missing me and her new guy 'wasnt me' She really is a headwrecker lol
 Kvo
Joined: 8/20/2008
Msg: 16
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Please help me understand her
Posted: 10/26/2008 8:57:18 AM
Troy i like your replies, they make a lot of sense to me and your absolutely right. Im definately going to take your advice
 Kvo
Joined: 8/20/2008
Msg: 17
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Please help me understand her
Posted: 10/27/2008 11:35:43 AM
To those who say i only want something that i cant have its just not true, i just needed a little space because id seen her every day for about 3 weeks. It took me only about a week to realise i wanted her back but by then she said she needed space.
 Kvo
Joined: 8/20/2008
Msg: 18
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Please help me understand her
Posted: 10/27/2008 4:34:16 PM
Really is man, so depressed at the minute and really want to contact her abut i know that'll end in tears, i know people will say im still young but this girl is my world. I want to spend the rest of my life with her i think about her 24-7. I dream of her almost every night. Its so hard but i really have to move on
 Kvo
Joined: 8/20/2008
Msg: 19
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Please help me understand her
Posted: 10/28/2008 11:21:08 AM
Once again Troy you are spot on. Maybe 6 months down the line you can let me know h0w you got on with your girl. I would like her to tell me to fck off cause at the minute it does feel unfinished. I still think she will contact me again and maybe i will get that chance then. Thank you
 Kvo
Joined: 8/20/2008
Msg: 20
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Please help me understand her
Posted: 10/29/2008 11:25:48 AM
I guess i should just go out and enjoy being single im just finding it hard to let go of her.There is a part of me tho that knows that it isnt over and someday she'll come back as she has done in the past. Troy defo give me a message closer to the time and we'll drink all our cares away!
 nexthyme
Joined: 9/12/2007
Msg: 21
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Please help me understand her
Posted: 10/29/2008 3:16:29 PM
Kev, you keeping holding on the the "feeling" she is going to come back... Is your fear that by then you will have moved on, and that you will have missed out?

Sometimes our first real loves are the HARDEST to let go.

I know, I had allowed mine to use my life as a revolving door for 22 yrs. I got married in between, had kids, and he'd find me on the singles site, or look me up through my parents.

Finally I had had enough, and told him NEVER to bother my parents, NOR me.

Wouldn't it have made a lovely story had we actually gotten together and lived happily ever after???

4 yrs after telling him to take a hike I have no regrets. I no longer miss him, seldom wonder about him, and don't even really care what he's doing. WHY because being his revolving door of interest was degrading.

You have to want to let go, when you do the pain will get less and less. THEN you will be open to meet someone that hopefully isn't into considering an option if things don't work out.

That is what my mr first love seen me as. Reality can bite when you look at things logically.
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