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Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > Why are we still so affraid to let people in?      Home login  
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 bullielover62
Joined: 12/2/2006
Msg: 2
Why are we still so affraid to let people in?Page 1 of 12    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12)
Ah but see........... you've DONE the work OP. There are so many that haven't, and by the time we get into the depths of something we think is real with someone, only to find out they HAVEN'T, we're ensconced and have to go through the shit again.

For me, I don't trust that *most* have done the work necessary to be worthy of dating.
Yah. Truth.

*Most* have just screwed up and moved on. There was no self reflection, no real work done, no time taken to put the pieces back together!! They've just taken their issues and crap and brought it with 'em to the next poor sap.

*Some* have walked through their fires, singed themselves and came out trying to figure out how not to get burned again. That's the kind of person I'd be looking for.... but they're so few and far between.

*No one* wants to do the work anymore!! It's just too easy to pick up and move on.

Jaded? Hellllll no. Realistic about what's out there. Big diff.

And a fookin' shame too.
 whytwater
Joined: 8/7/2008
Msg: 4
Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 10/26/2008 5:42:56 PM
There have been times I felt burnt beyond recognition, but when I summoned the heart to look, there were no scars, no disfigurement, just the memory of pain.

I dropped my defenses years ago, when I realized they were keeping me from where I most wanted to be. Actually, I think I put that somewhere in my profile when I signed up for this site. And you (not one of the targets I was hopin' for), are the only one to raise the issue.
 bullielover62
Joined: 12/2/2006
Msg: 5
Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 10/26/2008 6:42:58 PM
tresor... do not assume to know me.... or my heart.

I do very well in love.... and merely post with generalizations.... for the Forum world to bite into.
The world and all in it are quite in focus for me darlin'.... but thank you for trying to make a point. I get it, but it's not for me.....

There are those of us that do nothing BUT give love... and expect nothing in return. The joy, the gift, the blessings come in that act.... not "helpless" at all.....

So no worries about your sweet bullie.... she actually knows a thing or 500 about getting love and giving it.

*oooo, that sounds soooo dirty. lol
 Iamshay
Joined: 3/14/2008
Msg: 6
Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 10/26/2008 7:06:17 PM
*Most* have just screwed up and moved on. There was no self reflection, no real work done, no time taken to put the pieces back together!! They've just taken their issues and crap and brought it with 'em to the next poor sap.

*Some* have walked through their fires, singed themselves and came out trying to figure out how not to get burned again. That's the kind of person I'd be looking for.... but they're so few and far between.

Its harder for people to look truthfully and openly at past mistakes than to avoid, ignore, even blame others when it takes two...

I love reflective people who have grown! because I am one too and know I am a better partner now than ever!

Shay
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 9
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Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 10/26/2008 8:24:32 PM
"if I want something, I will have to make the effort"

When I see someone I want, I will be glad to make the effort.

I don't think the problem is being afraid to let people in. I think it is the lack of people that we have any interest in.

Better that the curtain comes down when I am alone, than it comes down when I am trying to remove someone from my life.
 *mae* flowers
Joined: 1/15/2006
Msg: 11
Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 10/26/2008 9:06:58 PM

I guess I have done a bit of work on my self and have come to realize that, if I want something, I will have to make the effort. Granted, I’ve been hurt along the way, but I feel far more alive knowing I gave it my best shot, instead of going home after and beating my head in self pity because I blew it again. It just seems odd that at 45+, so many, men and women are still waiting for someone else to make the first move, or playing tough and basically showing that you will never get to me.


...I wallowed in self pity for a number of years after my first husband left me... my self-confidence and my self- esteem took a shit kicking...The problem was that after he left, I didn't know who I was...during the 17 years we were together, I had somehow become an extention of him and somewhere along the way, "I got lost" After beating myself up over the break-up, I came to realize that the reason he left had nothing to do with me...it was about him and there wasn't anything I could have said or done that would have stopped him from leaving.
.
I've gone through two relationships that didn't work out...both for very different reasons. But they weren't all bad.. I've also taken some wonderful life experiences from both and memories that I will carry with me always. Hopefully I can take what I've learned from each into my next relationship..if there is one.

I know I am not the same person I was...I am healthier, happier and emotionally stronger than I ever was...and I am softer too..Like you OP, I think I'm more alive than I've ever been and I'm ready to fall in love again, my heart is open...so be careful with it.

...maeflowers

 CompletelyDone
Joined: 8/12/2007
Msg: 12
Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 10/26/2008 11:00:47 PM
Why are we so afraid at this age? I see a lot of posts always saying; why do men do this? Why do women do that? Why do so many of us wait for someone else to show us that it’s safe to take a risk in showing ourselves? Then when we get hurt, we tuck ourselves behind our barriers, throw stones and hope someone will come and beg to let us out of our self imposed pity prison. Why do we expect so much, and then complain because we didn’t get it after we remained so protected from being hurt? Don’t we all want most what will also hurt us the most?


I think that one of the reasons people appear to be afraid of getting into new situations and relationships is that they don't know how to grieve their previous losses and let go of them. I've now met a number of people who appear to be stuck in what could only be called "grief". They're sad, lonely and often angry (sometimes even traumatized) but instead of allowing themselves the necessary time it takes to move through it, they tell themselves what's done is done and simply try to move on as though everything is normal. There are those who love and commit deeply - saying goodbye to a loved one forever during a breakup can be a traumatic event. Then, there are those who can move on without a backward glance but they're so used to their feelings being frozen that they're dragging as many bags as the ones who are traumatized.

Breakups and divorces throw many of us into a horrified state and it doesn't help when someone decides to compound the horror by playing dirty over the shared obligations. Maybe we need to start acknowledging these painful endings the same way as we deal with death just so that people come to understand that it's really okay to mourn.

The actual work that needs to be done to rebuild one's life along with our hopes and dreams DOES require some fear management in its initial stages. And then it takes some courage to develop the willingness to stand in the dim light of our own contributions with some determination to fix the broken pieces inside of us.

Fear is not a bad thing when it acts as the triggering impetus for change and growth. If, for a time, some just need to hover in the periphery of a social environment while they do the necessary work, I think they'll likely be more than worth the wait.
 rearguard*2
Joined: 2/8/2008
Msg: 14
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Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 10/27/2008 7:04:21 AM
I think that people are cautious, not afraid. Every other person you could possibly meet has their foibles, and any relationship that you can get into will involve compromise and acceptance of each other's foibles. That is at least manageable, but what is not manageable is the development if the relationship, wherein the characteristics of the other person will become more accentuated, as will your own, resulting in something that you really do not want to live with. Its the lack of control that is the issue. When you are by yourself, you can control things to be as you want them, not so when another is concerned.
 rossal
Joined: 12/5/2005
Msg: 15
Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 10/27/2008 7:05:49 AM
I'm not afraid to let anyone in.....outgoing, gregarious in nature..adventuresome.

Unfortunately, I haven't met anyone I want to let in yet.

My drawbridge is down.... waiting for him to gallop on in........what fun we will have!
 Gaddflye
Joined: 9/10/2008
Msg: 16
Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 10/27/2008 7:11:16 AM
I have to admit I now proceed with great caution whereas in my early twenties it was pedal to the metal, full speed ahead. Experience has taught me to take it slow and easy and to get to know a woman well before I open my heart to her. Too many of them have been hurt by men and are angry at men in general. Unless they have worked through their issues they consciously or subconsciously want their next male partner to suffer and pay for what their past husband(s) and boyfriends have done to them. Caveat emptor!
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 17
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Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 10/27/2008 7:31:57 AM
"Jaded? Hellllll no. Realistic about what's out there. Big diff."

Those who need to be part of a couple seem to find it necessary to try to shoot the messanger when people are realistic. Also those who need to be part of a couple resent those who can be happy with their single life.

I figure most people finally do get reality when it bites them often enough.
 bullielover62
Joined: 12/2/2006
Msg: 18
Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 10/27/2008 8:09:54 AM

Those who need to be part of a couple seem to find it necessary to try to shoot the messanger when people are realistic. Also those who need to be part of a couple resent those who can be happy with their single life.

Amen sister. Pass the donuts please...............

I think the OP is one of the few that goes the extra mile to figure out why, what, who, where, how.
Not many are brave enough....

It's a suckie world when *you* refuse to look at your own part in what's transpired. By NOT, you
acquiesce to the fact that you'll do it again........... and again............ and again.

Fear is only powerful if you feed it. Stoopid is only there if you refuse to acknowledge it. And part of that is *usually* acknowledging it was partly *YOU*!

*cough.... and tresor.... you really don't know me..... not well enough for that post you made. But thanks for the concern that was attached. I can feel the love, even if I can't write you because I'M TOO YOUNG!
 justme1201
Joined: 7/22/2007
Msg: 20
Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 10/27/2008 10:18:58 AM

Granted, I’ve been hurt along the way, but I feel far more alive knowing I gave it my best shot, instead of going home after and beating my head in self pity because I blew it again.


Thank you, OP. I 've wondered about some of the posters I see on this board, especially the older ones, that seem so afraid and insecure. I've been hurt along the way .. we all have. But I don't bury my head in the sand or cry myself to sleep (ok, well maybe a couple of times lol). I keep myself out there, try to learn from the past, and move on. I surround myself with friends, and keep my heart open to loving and being loved. That doesn't mean I don't keep decent boundaries and pay attention to "red flags," but it means I won't be afraid to keep trying. I'll be ok, either way.
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 21
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Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 10/27/2008 1:24:33 PM
"Have you been watching Oprah again?"

Does anyone seriously think that Oprah is watched by most women. Hello, we are far to busy working!

"Well I have been stomped on, doodied on, and done dirty by a lot by women. But that does not keep me from wanting to meet a dam good woman. "

I have never been stomped on, or bone dirty by men. Why, because I won't allow it.

Maybe time to learn to love yourself, and heal, instead of rushing for the next bad relationship.
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 24
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Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 10/27/2008 3:32:20 PM
Free.. all the doodie sounds too much like high maintenance drama to me.

Sorry but I make it clear from the begining with anyone I date that I live in a doodie free zone. You could try that to be sure of being doodie free. If people know you mean what you say, they won't go to the doodie zone.
 *mae* flowers
Joined: 1/15/2006
Msg: 25
Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 10/27/2008 4:11:09 PM
I


Funny thing is, after I stopped wallowing and I finally picked my head up and started looking around, not only did I see what I had been missing, but now I see so many others who are walking around staring at the floor.


..Once I took off the rose coloured glasses I was able to see how unhealthy our relationship had become...no one should ever depend on someone else for their happiness, and I thought I needed him in order to be happy.


Yeah, it hurts at times, but I will gladly do it again because I know what the rewards can be also.


I understand what you're saying, sometimes we need to feel the hurt, the pain as well as the love and the laughter in order to grow.


...maeflowers

 bucsgirl
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 26
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Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 10/27/2008 4:20:49 PM
As with many things I think it's a matter of balance.

Totally trusting, right off the bat.......would you really think that wise?

It's fine to be cautious and take the time to let the trust and openness develop, not just hand anyone and everyone a "free pass". I think it speaks to valuing yourself and your time, if it means a lot to you then you just don't hand it out freely.

This also goes with the concept of your heart and your head. Giving total control to either one will lead to different types of disasters. Either you're totally shut off and a hermit or people are lining up to take advantage of you. Neither of those appeals to me.

We have feelings and emotions, learning to express and understand them means we accept and enjoy being human. We also have logic and rational thought and even in romantic relationships, it serves a purpose. If we totally abandon logic, then we'd be likely to accept something that would harm us.

Using your heart and your head has the best chance of producing a better outcome than excluding one or the other.
 *Just Jim*
Joined: 7/6/2007
Msg: 28
Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 10/27/2008 6:18:32 PM

It just seems odd that at 45+, so many, men and women are still waiting for someone else to make the first move, or playing tough and basically showing that you will never get to me.

imo,naturally the more baggage the more fear,insecurities,etc which makes for self defeating and rejecting outcomes.


Are we all that jaded? I’m trying to be the change I’d like to see, but sometimes, it’s like pulling teeth.


Pulling teeth? You took the words right out of my mouth.
Yes, when you find the ones who are in that [transitional state] it's like pulling teeth and best to move on then to in trying to start any dialog. Very sad.

But,there are some brave folks here who can interact without feeling threaten and are very nice to converse with. ~smile~

So, ya gotta keep trying to fish where the fish who are truly free,
and you can extend the olive branch in hand.
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 29
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Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 10/27/2008 6:56:02 PM
"Howdy do moraima. What is high maintenance drama in your opinion?

Well I have tried to make it clear in the beginning to women but they want to throw it back at me that I am putting conditions on the relationship."

That is playing a part in a drama. Being afraid to say what you mean and mean what you say. Allow it, and you will end up with Doodie.
 ankkka
Joined: 8/29/2007
Msg: 36
Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 10/28/2008 4:44:52 PM
I'm not afraid!
Show me that FANTASTIC man at my age...and I'm going to have quick divorce...and run barefoot after him...
 *Just Jim*
Joined: 7/6/2007
Msg: 37
Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 10/28/2008 6:49:15 PM

^^^aww do I have too? I'm just to tired to play...lol.


Nope, you don't have to do anything if too tired to play. ~smile~

Yet truth be told you only get what you give.
Wheather it be at work, about life, or love.

Now go out and play and remember to come in when street lights come on.
 bullielover62
Joined: 12/2/2006
Msg: 39
Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 10/28/2008 7:27:30 PM

So no worries about your sweet bullie.... she actually knows a thing or 500 about getting love and giving it.


Dang, I still don't need my toes.

We're gonna get stepped on. That's the price we pay for extending ourselves. No way around it and if playing safe were the only option we'd be long gone by now.

And yet we're not stoopid either.... *we* know to be cautious, careful, observant and proactive. If things don't feel right, act on that, don't stay passive. If things feel good, take that "sit-stay" stance and milk it for all it's worth. lol

The problem, as bullie sees it, is that *some* are just too angry still to allow the love in.
They won't take responsibility for their own actions and are still blaming because it's easier than tackling their own issues.

These Forums are a prime example of the most screwed up people out there.... we see it over and over again.... the anger, the bitterness, the issues blaring at us from our c0mputer screen like a nasty virus..... and yet *they're* HERE. And one can only hope that at some point they're gonna read something that will set the wheels in motion and allow enough healing to be worthy of opening their heart again.

*Or they'll just sit there eating all the Halloween candy they bought early, because it was on sale, even though they promised themselves they wouldn't open the bag, completely oblivious to the possibilities that await them ..... chomping down, feeding their fat bellies instead of their psyche.

Remember this: It's much easier to lose baggage than fat at our age. LMAO
 *mae* flowers
Joined: 1/15/2006
Msg: 40
Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 10/28/2008 8:09:56 PM

*Or they'll just sit there eating all the Halloween candy they bought early, because it was on sale, even though they promised themselves they wouldn't open the bag, completely oblivious to the possibilities that await them ..... chomping down, feeding their fat bellies instead of their psyche.

Remember this: It's much easier to lose baggage than fat at our age. LMAO



...* She slowly places the half eaten chocolate bar on the table beside her *


...maeflowers
 CompletelyDone
Joined: 8/12/2007
Msg: 41
Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 10/28/2008 8:19:52 PM
HaHaHaHa.....


...* She slowly places the half eaten chocolate bar on the table beside her *


That was priceless Mae! I could see a number of us looking over our shoulders after reading Bullie's post... Thanks for the darn good laugh!!!

 Rythmn
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 42
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Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 10/28/2008 10:05:59 PM
not everyone is "afraid". some prefer the single life. some have healthy barriers to dysfunction. some are seeking to enrich themselves in partnership and are willing to know who they are, put themselves out there, suffer through the rejections and keep on doing the plowing.

i plow. but it gets tiring and sometimes what i learn from this process is not very positive about where a lot of people are at, let alone their views about me. often the most critical of others , are the ones who have done the least on themselves.

whether to actively seek partnership is each person's individual choice. but, when i start getting judged, particularly in light of being one heck of a trooper, i get "pissed". that is the most draining of all, after that just boredom or frustration or emptiness from lack of being able to lock both mind and heart with the right person. he is one who i can communicate easily with and not with great difficulty or defensiveness.

so, it comes down to the right fit. luckily, i learned to plow through all the ____ in the business world, so when it ceases to be work, and when it is "mutual" and "natural", i will heave my sigh of relief and i will know when i have found him. throughout the process of life, i have taken many risks and educated guesses w/o sufficient education! i've learned from many mistakes and thus far, have never been destitute or unsafe. maybe just lonely.

i've led such a full life and i do "want" a partner to share it with. however, i was an only child, started my own firm, an independent thinker type and never one to not speak her mind, even if my thoughts were unpopular.

however, i have friends who were always so surrounded by people and their needs, that they prefer the silence and time for themselves. many have never followed their personal dreams and see now as their opportunity to do so.

and then there are the people you describe. my ex SO, finally let me in, and then he retreated into a corner and made me feel three feet tall. my experience from all that is to be careful to listen to what another person says they want and NOT what i want for him--irrespective of how right i am or how well intentioned! this is not a way to live.

so, yes, one must be willing to do the work. some say they want a partner, but are not willing and just want peace. i just wish i could understand that in the beginning, so as not to take up too much space in my heart and time from my quest. it's all about the learning, i guess. just wish i could learn "all" there is to know-- and go onto some other stuff. a good relationship can be very empowering and/or very nurturing. this will be the kind that stems from true partnership-- which for me, is the part of the equation that i now seek. equations must be balanced on both sides. there are many kinds of equations.

yes, others need more independence. but, i have always been independent and so my quest is the reverse: not codependence, but clearly interdependence. again, with only the right fit.
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