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Show ALL Forums  > humor  > fractured phrases ei: water from a rock      Home login  
Joined: 6/12/2005
Msg: 1
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fractured phrases ei: water from a rockPage 1 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
In another thread someone mentioned how they were laughed at for misquoting the old adage "You can't get blood from a stone" as "you can't get water from a rock"
It got me thinking......
My Nana used to say
" ingenuity is the mother of invention"
instead of "necessity"
It is really MORE true
I used to say
"A bird in the hand is better than a sharp stick in the eye"
I never DID understand the whole idea of birds in your hands as oppose to your bush!
Unless it's a rooster?....(get it?)....

Well I hope you get the idea, add some that you have heard misquoted, make up some of your own ...looking forward to seeing where this might go!
Joined: 5/5/2007
Msg: 2
fractured phrases ei: water from a rock
Posted: 10/30/2008 7:51:26 PM
When my son was a little fella, he really did call the instructions, 'destructions'.
Joined: 5/31/2008
Msg: 3
fractured phrases ei: water from a rock
Posted: 10/30/2008 9:05:01 PM
Oooh, goody! From the King: Here's some "Archie Bunkerisms"

A woman's doc: Groinocologist
The Academy Rewards
Optical Delusion
Menstrual show
Spanish Imposition
The Three Muskatelles
Women's Lubrication Movement
Welfare incipients
Expensive care (true, but intensive)
women's intermission (intuition, but you knew that!)
lawfully bedded husband
Ifso Fatso
Birth patrol pills
Communications disease (but communicable)
Hot flushes
Geronomous zones and floorplay
Hardpore cornography
House of ill refute
movie: Cardinal Knowledge

Oh, and I can't forget Englebert Whats-his-dink...
Gloria Steinway
In ancient Rome they killed Sid Caesar
Typhoon Mary
Count of Monte Crisco
God Bless America....written by Milton Berlin
Roosevelt brothers...Franklin & Teddy
Rockefeller brothers...Nelson & Eddie
Rip Van Heusen (he gets corrected with "Winkle")....Winkle Van Heusen.
Marlo Brandon
Clint Westwood (I LOVE this one and use it all the time)
Jack The Raper
Henry Woolworth Longfellow
Potatum O'Neal

"Committing insex in the family."
"So I won't make the cover of Harper's Brassiere."
"Did Lincoln apologize to Alexander Graham Booth?"
"The sexual act was never constipated."

OK, just one last quote:
Gloria: "Daddy, do you know how many people commit suicide by handguns every year?"
Archie: "Would it make youse feel any better if dey jumped outta windows, little goil?"

Rock on.

Joined: 5/31/2008
Msg: 4
fractured phrases ei: water from a rock
Posted: 10/30/2008 10:59:38 PM
Archie's going to sing the National Anthem, but it's gonna take all of his thinking and consecration.
"Oh say can you see by the dawn's every night... what so loudly we hail...of thee I sing"

reclimbing chair
Old age: reclining years
decrap-id old people
Geriatricide joint (after these, I'm headed there!)
semi-animal meetings
lower intestubes
Inferior Decorator
a chronicle rash
invading the issue
a blackbuster
the smelting pot of New York
a string fourtet
keep things in the proper suspective
innocent stand-byer
cross the freshhold
sympathizing my watch
piece of flywood
commenstrual with my experience
the beaurocraps
restract his attention
digitalis clock
besmooch the family name
assiatic nerve
a unanimous letter
from a man to a morphadite
arterial influction
very close veins
last will & tentacle
Hippocritical oath
mouth-to-mouth restitution
vertizontal hold
pall buriers
the grim weeper
Salivation Army
Salvation Navy
race or color or breed
part of foot: instoop
last urology (at a funeral)
garlic stones (in the gall bladder)
umbiblical cord
system of judaspudence
chicken chests and smashed potatoes
an invason of my privates
present company suspected (excepted)
veal scallopeepee
horse ovaries (hors d'oeuvres)
friccastewing a chicken
smoke exhilaration
volcanoes erupting hot guava
don't draw me no diaphrams
carbon monoxygen
prostate server
rectal nerve (in the eye)
bank suppository
gratitude and depreciation
I'm gonna behead myself
high-powered spectaculars
maggot of Champagne
electrical degenerators
encroach the bench
a torn filament in the kneecap

Last thoughts: I know it's long, but when you work the buttons here, see, it develops what ya call the digitalis skills.
"Gonna be incrimated....they're gonna keep the ashes around the house in one of them silver urinals." Good ribbance!

"One of the funniest antidotes of all time... and you sit there like you're in a comma."
Joined: 6/12/2005
Msg: 5
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fractured phrases ei: water from a rock
Posted: 11/1/2008 6:46:24 PM
I just remembered:
2 wrongs don't make a right
but 3 lefts do
Joined: 5/31/2008
Msg: 6
fractured phrases ei: water from a rock
Posted: 11/22/2008 11:35:03 AM
I remember this one from many many years ago. Johnny Carson had answers from 3rd graders who were asked to fill in the blanks of old sayings. I use this one to this day:

"You can't teach an old dog New Math."

Oh yeah, and if at first you don't succeed, sky diving is not for you.
Joined: 6/12/2005
Msg: 7
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fractured phrases ei: water from a rock
Posted: 11/28/2008 6:59:49 AM
Hey takeachillpill-

you can! you can!
squeeze credit from a joke forum!
it WAS you-out of respect of your privacy, I left out your name.
Glad you found the thread!

Now another contribution--I say THIS all the time

You can lead a horse to water,
you can hold his head under,
but you can't make him swallow
Joined: 6/12/2005
Msg: 8
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fractured phrases ei: water from a rock
Posted: 11/30/2008 7:58:17 AM

You can tuna fish, but you can't tuna piano.

it's "tune a piano" you have it right just not write-LOL

You know the flat (used to be wood) surface at the bottom edge of a window?
Well I always called it a sill- as in
"don't let your little brother climb up onto the widow sill he could fall"
Well my daughter had a friend called it the "widow seal" it is actually more correct a definition
Joined: 5/31/2008
Msg: 9
fractured phrases vs. profile typos
Posted: 12/4/2008 4:33:28 PM
I just saw this one in a profile:
Jeez, I hope not!!!

Rock on.

Joined: 6/12/2005
Msg: 10
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fractured phrases vs. profile typos
Posted: 12/5/2008 6:39:44 PM
reminds me:

two heads are better than a sharp stick in the eye
Joined: 6/12/2005
Msg: 11
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fractured phrases vs. profile typos
Posted: 12/7/2008 7:05:33 PM
I feel like a Mac Truck headed for a train wreck

I thinks it's combo-contraction:
"built like a mac truck"
anything (person) (idea) (endeavor) headed for a train wreck, as in :
"Did you see her hair cut?"
"AWFUL! She is a train wreck!"

"How was the rehearsal dinner?"
"My Mother-in-law (to be) got drunk, told everyone to p1ss-off. It was a train wreck!"

"the auto industry is asking for a bail out from the Government"
"That will be a train wreck!"

I do like the visual of a great big truck headed for the on coming train-If it's not a fractured phrase it should be and IS NOW!
Joined: 12/25/2006
Msg: 12
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fractured phrases ei: water from a rock
Posted: 12/10/2008 4:17:12 AM
Some childrens' misinterpretations of Protestand hymn lyrics:

Bringing In the Sheets
(Bringing In the Sheaves)

The Constipated Cross-eyed Bear
(The Consecrated Cross I'd Bear)

The Old Shit's a-Dying
(The Old Ship of Zion)
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