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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > My fiance went with a hooker before he met me      Home login  
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 marknbaltimore
Joined: 12/10/2007
Msg: 3
My fiance went with a hooker before he met mePage 1 of 7    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)
its really no big deal, i have never been with any type of hooker but you would be surprised with how many men have, as long as he is drug free and std free, its not a big deal. i wouldnt think twice about it.
My fiance went with a hooker before he met me
Posted: 11/4/2008 9:19:31 AM
Sheesh! Here's a man that is willing to share a vulnerable and painful story from his distant past, all in the hopes of being honest and having full disclosure with you, and you're still looking for a reason to make more out of this than what it really was. I'm wondering if after getting engaged only 6 months into a relationship that maybe you aren't getting cold feet OP, and looking for an excuse to blow this up. Making a big deal out of something so trivial, and something he obviously can't do anything about, should do the trick.
 Jebby16
Joined: 11/3/2007
Msg: 6
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My fiance went with a hooker before he met me
Posted: 11/4/2008 9:21:01 AM
The short answer is, yes.
You said, "We're deeply in love - he's decent, deep and trustworthy and at the age of 51 I feel I've met my soulmate."

It's in the past. Today is today and you've got yourself a good catch. That doesn't happen often.
...just don't tell him you blacked out at the college basketball homecoming party....
 ForumFilly
Joined: 5/14/2008
Msg: 10
My fiance went with a hooker before he met me
Posted: 11/4/2008 9:33:52 AM
Give the guy a break. He made a mistake 10 yrs ago. Have you never done something of which you are ashamed? If you haven't, you must be the only person in the world that can make that claim. None of us are perfect and it took a tremendous amount of courage for your fiance to tell you about this. Do you remember the Hugh Grant/Hooker escapade? Elizabeth Hurley forgave him and they were living together at the time of his indiscretion. By the way, I don't think it will prevent you both from coming to the States. Hugh still comes here and he pleaded guily. Marry this soulmate you've been blessed enough to find and don't worry about the past. Look forward to the future.
 OneMoreTimeWithFeeling
Joined: 9/8/2008
Msg: 14
My fiance went with a hooker before he met me
Posted: 11/4/2008 9:42:21 AM

happened about 10 years ago...So he never got his hand-job


Are you serious???? You didn't even know him then for one. Second, it didn't even happen.

Next, you are agreeing to marry him after only knowing each other for 6 months. I have a bigger problem with that than a non incident.
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 19
My fiance went with a hooker before he met me
Posted: 11/4/2008 10:22:16 AM
No. Every time you two fight from here on, you need to remind him of his bad choice, and what a horrible person he is for having a criminal record.

Hehehe.

Now, this should be a no brainer. Why even post about this? Do you really have any doubts? I would be thankful for his honesty.
 Wishes Granted
Joined: 3/6/2008
Msg: 23
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My fiance went with a hooker before he met me
Posted: 11/4/2008 11:45:00 AM

I've been with my lovely boyfriend for just over 6 months and we got engaged a couple of weeks ago.
*snorts*
So should I try to let this go because I love him?
Yes.. you should let it go .. you should also wait at least a year before you actually marry him to see what else he discloses ..
 Wishes Granted
Joined: 3/6/2008
Msg: 26
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My fiance went with a hooker before he met me
Posted: 11/4/2008 12:50:05 PM
^^^ BRILLIANT! Then what happens in two years from now when he applies for a job and is refused time and again because he has a criminal record for solicitation and (most likely) indicent exposure ~ that'd go over real well when his wifey finds out then. lmao!
 relaxedtimede
Joined: 10/17/2008
Msg: 29
My fiance went with a hooker before he met me
Posted: 11/4/2008 1:00:24 PM
10 years ago and he told you? I just don't see why someone would bring up something like that so far in the past. If it is all true, every last word. Than I say go speak to someone about it or just trust him that it was an isolated incident.

I think that there is something else bothering him. I have never found it necessary to sabotage a relationship with something that happened in my past. This one is a difficult mess.

I would say that he is either trying to sabotage the relationship or is trying to see his boundaries for other stuff. Men just do not come out and say that to a women. It would be like a woman telling a man that 10 years ago she had a gang bang with multiple men.

Those thoughts just do not go away.
 Wishes Granted
Joined: 3/6/2008
Msg: 31
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My fiance went with a hooker before he met me
Posted: 11/4/2008 1:08:45 PM

Men just do not come out and say that to a women. It would be like a woman telling a man that 10 years ago she had a gang bang with multiple men.
You forget that the fiance has a criminal record. Last I heard, gang banging men when concentual.. is not a criminal offence.. and chances of it being found out are slim to none unless one chose to disclose it.
 red_relaxed
Joined: 7/18/2007
Msg: 41
My fiance went with a hooker before he met me
Posted: 11/4/2008 2:16:02 PM
Yup, a huge white cap.
Ask yourself this. Would be engaged to this lovely man you love so much and is your soul mate if he had told you this BEFORE you agreed to be his wife?
This was 10 years ago!
 Argentum Crinis Philogus
Joined: 4/3/2007
Msg: 42
My fiance went with a hooker before he met me
Posted: 11/4/2008 2:41:44 PM

what sort of man uses a prostitute, even when it might be understandable because of the circumstances? Did he do it just the once or was it a habit? Is he telling me because I'm likely to find out about his criminal record later? I do want to marry him and I know this happened a long time ago but I can't get the image of him doing this out of my mind.


This is a fascinating scenario and speaks to social exchange theory. Really, what makes the difference of one person pays cash and in return receives sexual benefit, or buys dinner, or drinks and dancing, or dinner and a movie, or a new suit or dress, or a complete makeover or a full spa treatment and receive sexual benefits.

It's fascinating how society views these social exchanges resulting in sexual benefit attaching negative connotations if cash is involved and openly accept the same behavior if the exchange is something that is not monetary, e.g. an exchange of cash and now plastic for sexual services.

Is there really a difference? The outcome is the same? One is legislated against in most parts of the U.S. and regulated in some counties in Nevada. The other is not illegal and is a covert barter. Which is more honest? At least the investment with a prostitute is a "sure thing" whereas one might drop a small fortune for a possible maybe that results in a no deal. One is a sure bet, the other is a gamble.

It certainly makes sense if one wants a guaranteed sexual experience to purchase the service they desire than to pay more and roll the dice hoping for a happy ending.

Essentially, you could have this image with any woman that he took on a date, paid for dinner, dancing, drinks, a movie, etc., and then slept with that woman. The only reason he told you about the incident is because of the legal implications that would eventually come to light. Otherwise, the guy would not have mentioned the experience.

So guys and gals, if you've had a sexual interaction with someone after they have exchanged their personal property to obtain time with you, you have exchanged sex for some benefit. If you think not, then ask yourself, would I have slept with him/her if they had not taken me out to dinner, dancing, drinks, a movie, etc., and just came by for a visit and hang out for a bit? Some might answer yes, the research shows that the former is true far more often than the latter.

For those wish to delve more deeply into this phenomenonA nice article that discusses these sexual economics was publish in 2004 and written by Roy Baumeister and Kathleen Vohs.

Regards,

ACP
 Argentum Crinis Philogus
Joined: 4/3/2007
Msg: 46
My fiance went with a hooker before he met me
Posted: 11/4/2008 3:01:14 PM

having sex with someone outside your marriage is wrong. why be married if you can't stick to your vows??? that would be infidelity plain and simple


This assumes that all marital vows are equal and require emotional and sexual monogamy.

All marital vows are not the same and some do not include or want sexual fidelity. Emotional fidelity is enough for some marriages and thus, being with a prostitute would not constitute infidelity.

Having sex outside of any relationship is only wrong if the partners had agreed to not have sex outside of the relationship. That does not exclude the possibility that the vows might be mutually renegotiated.

Regards,

ACP
 ~JustSimplyMe~
Joined: 8/18/2006
Msg: 50
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My fiance went with a hooker before he met me
Posted: 11/4/2008 5:16:09 PM
No you aren't making a mountain out of a mole hill...dump him now!
Who would want to be with someone that is HUMAN and has human needs.
On the other hand, if you can't get over it you should end it because he deserves someone a little less judgmental.
 davidsauvignon
Joined: 2/6/2008
Msg: 54
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My fiance went with a hooker before he met me
Posted: 11/4/2008 7:26:38 PM
OP, I think you should reveal to him....your deepest, darkest secret. Whatever it is in your lifetime, which you are most ashamed of. When you both have gotten those things off your respective chests, I believe you're truly on the path to a successful relationship. Thing is, you BOTH have to be able to ACCEPT the other and their shortcomings....past, present, future.

If what he did is a dealbreaker for you in YOUR and HIS relationship, define it. If what you did is a dealbreaker for him in HIS and YOUR relationship, he needs to define it. However, yours and his relationship did not begin 10 years ago....nor, did it begin when you had your transgression. It starts, NOW (well, 6 months ago).





~ds~
 Ron9
Joined: 8/10/2004
Msg: 55
My fiance went with a hooker before he met me
Posted: 11/4/2008 7:53:26 PM
Well ..... I was a Boy Scout so ..... I can’t lie.

I have a grand running total of eleven bucks, wrapped up in ..... umm the sex trade.

- eight bucks for the skinny hooker (if I would have had thirteen bucks that night I could have had the one with the big hOOters)

- three bucks down in Boy’s Town (Old Mexico). That one was killer looking and lied to me lol. She was born and raised in Texas and just went there to work ....... ugg - got gipped lol.

So ..... that was back in the sixties - I wonder if they charge more these days lol.

OP - give the guy a break. Many guys have “done it” at some time in their life and many more have at least thought about it. I would not do it these days (I’ve never even been to a HOOters much less a titty bar) with all the ...... bugs out there now days.
 spitfire6844
Joined: 6/30/2007
Msg: 61
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My fiance went with a hooker before he met me
Posted: 11/5/2008 8:26:57 AM
OP: It seems kind of interesting that the guy would tell you about a single experience which happened TEN YEARS AGO and was only a hand-job. It's also weird that this single incident would be affecting his sexual performance that long after it happened. Just like you speculated, one has to wonder if he is understating his involvement with prostitutes. Maybe he has had more experiences and more recently than he's telling you. At the least, you definitely need to confirm that he's STD-free before engaging in any sex. Ask to see a print-out of his medical record. Don't take his word for it.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 62
My fiance went with a hooker before he met me
Posted: 11/5/2008 8:57:49 AM
OP, the poor dude got a record for a handjob he never got and lost 20 bucks 10 years ago. Big deal, he was honest with you about it. If that's the worst thing he ever did, then he's a keeper. I can see him fearing that you'd take this one weird thing the wrong way if you found out some other way and want to be sure he came clean about it. I feel for the guy, what a nasty stroke of luck. I doubt he went near strip club, let alone another prostitute after that whole deal.

Some men do way more than that way longer and don't tell anyone anything.

Marry the guy - if he loves you and doesn't want you to have secrets, what's the problem?

And for the poster above me, if she doesn't know if this guy's STD free by now, I don't know what to say.
 sleepsafe
Joined: 4/29/2007
Msg: 64
My fiance went with a hooker before he met me
Posted: 11/5/2008 6:42:54 PM
OP, come on. 10 yrs ago, it's not like you found out haphazardly, by mistake, a slip. He told you for God's sake. He was truthful, he didn't try to hide it from you. He was honest. You ask what kind of a man uses a hooker. One that wants some human companionship. One that is lonely, saddened by his life's events. Someone that want's to hold onto a piece of humanity for just a few seconds or minutes and feel like just maybe someone gives a shit enough to be with him, even if he is paying her money. I have never been with one. But there were times after my wife's death, before I started dating that i certainly considered it. If it was legal I most probably would have. Fear of getting arrested, losing my job and my livelihood is what stopped me.
 freetime2bme
Joined: 1/16/2006
Msg: 73
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My fiance went with a hooker before he met me
Posted: 11/6/2008 10:17:46 AM
£20 for a hand job, what a rip off. Tell him he should have gotten a lot more for that kind of money.
 VivaciousVixen2010
Joined: 7/12/2008
Msg: 74
My fiance went with a hooker before he met me
Posted: 11/6/2008 12:05:25 PM
My sister's brother in law used to hooker. I am sure that he made up a sweet story for his wife also. He still does sleezy strip joints. Nasty porn mags. And I wouldn't doubt if he did hookers. Because I had heard that hookers were hired to some of the bachelor parties. So he may be covering his tracks from the past, but that does not mean that he has changed.
I had a boyfriend and found out that he had a fiance and boy did we compare notes.
He was LOITERING where the hookers hung out. Nobody loiters where the hoors hang....
Get real!!!!!!!! I mean we found out he had two steady girlfriends and juggled us quite well.

i would be careful. you need
 bcsofnc57
Joined: 11/20/2007
Msg: 77
My fiance went with a hooker before he met me
Posted: 11/7/2008 1:47:26 PM
Of course you should let go of it as it isn't a big deal. If he isn't doing it now, why worry about it. As to what type of man goes to a prostitute, one that wants to have sex and doesn't have someone in his life willing to have sex with him.
 flyingiguana
Joined: 3/4/2008
Msg: 81
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My fiance went with a hooker before he met me
Posted: 11/7/2008 5:27:43 PM
a middle aged man getting it on with a hooker? amazing...haha
 agenteightysix
Joined: 5/18/2005
Msg: 83
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My fiance went with a hooker before he met me
Posted: 11/7/2008 10:26:04 PM
If my girl friend wants to know my past sexual explicits I will tell her. If she tell me hers ,its my duty to tell her its OK. I still love you, respect you, and it doesn't change who you are to me. Should I break up with someone I like because ,she was raped, all I can think about her being raped. No I should get over it. If she tells me her last boyfriend had a giant****should I be upset because mine is tiny compared to his. No I get over it. I encourage you to become enlightened be more sexually explicit with your boyfriend, maybe you should even give him a hand job blow job in the car sometime, then take is wallet and steal 20. But laugh about it get over it, role play if you must.
 agenteightysix
Joined: 5/18/2005
Msg: 87
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My fiance went with a hooker before he met me
Posted: 11/7/2008 11:44:37 PM
The reference come into play when one is obsessed by their partners past, and how it effects the future. Many men have to think about an instance such as there girlfriend having been raped. It is not an apples to apple comparison, nor could it be. The point is you might need to let go of what ever horrible things are in the past and move on. Esp. a botched hand job.
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