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 djunique
Joined: 10/25/2008
Msg: 1
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this one is complicatedPage 1 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
i recently got left for an immigrant at her job,hes not a US citizen. we were together for almost 5 years and have a baby together. im trying to be the better person and leave her the apartment for the babies sake. but shes got plans to move this guy in,she told me she has no respect for me,has more feelings for him then she ever did me. how can you do that to someone? i love her more than anything in the world and would probly do something outragous to prove it to her. she thinks i treated her like shit cause we argued alittle. but i never did anything to hurt her. i dont understand why or how she could be doing this to me. now i want to take her name off the lease and kick her out but dont want my baby in that situation nor do i want some immigrant sleeping in my bed,eating out of my dishes. i cant leave her with nothing though, i love her too much. but almost everything we have is mine,i bought with my money for US. weve been living together still for the past 3 weeks. i refused to leave without having a place to go and had to tie up some loose ends with my transportation issues so i could still work. weve slept together a few times,id like to tell the immigrant that too,that shes been with me while they kiss and talk at work. shes gonna hurt him or he gonna hurt her, im pissed at her but i still love her. i dont want to be with her but i dont want to lose her. im going crazy.
 webweebil
Joined: 9/4/2008
Msg: 2
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this one is complicated
Posted: 11/7/2008 11:37:22 PM
That is a real tough situation you're in. I don't have any good advice, but I will offer a and send good intentions for you.
 agenteightysix
Joined: 5/18/2005
Msg: 3
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this one is complicated
Posted: 11/8/2008 12:05:28 AM
Keep the apartment and all the furnitue, the baby should stay with you at night. she can watch the child during the day at her boyfriends house, at night the baby should be with you.
 stratoman1
Joined: 9/19/2007
Msg: 4
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this one is complicated
Posted: 11/8/2008 1:00:04 AM
Absolutely. the child is the most important person here. More important than you, your girlfriend or anyone else.

You don't say how old your baby is. Do you know you are the father? Have you ever had reason to question this. I ask becasue I don't know if you have a 5 year old and she has all of the sudden taken up with this other man or if the baby is 2 months old and she has been seein him all along. Are you listed as the father on the Birth Certificate? If so, biology doesn't really matter, you are legally the baby's father and you have rights and responsibilities

You must see a lawyer who specializes in fathers rights to help you get custody of your child. That is.. IF in fact you can demonstrate that you are the better parent. Given the situation, a good lawyer may be able to get you physical custody. Your focus must shift from how badly you feel about what your girlfriend is doing to protecting your child from any possible harm.

Time to do some soul searching and find out what sort of man you really are and whether you can be Dad first. Sometimes there just isn't time for mourning. Time to set aside those things that might casue a person to have no respect for you. It is time for you to draw upon every ounce of strength you have and move forward. There is at least one person in this world that is far more important than you. And, that person is 100% reliant upon you to do the right thing. If you ever think you are running out of strength or that your will is weakening, just look into your baby's eyes; you'll find everything you need.

And DO NOT loose your temper. DO NOT threaten her. DO NOT make any gestures that look like spousal abuse. Get out of the house now and don't go back alone. If she moves the other guy in, so much the better for your case. It would be best to stay away from her and only see her in the presence of someone else, like your attorney who will also supervise any support monies you give her.

The Sheriff can help you to get you personal belongings out of that house. Have a couple of friends help you while the sheriff is there to protect your rights. The last thing you need is for her to call the cops on you and say that you hit her or that you threatened her. If you are charged with domestic violence, whether convicted or not, you will not get custody of your child. If you are convicted...you'll loose everything and you might get monitored visitation but more likely, you'll probably never see you child again

I am sorry this is happening to you. good luck amd always remember DAD FIRST!
 djunique
Joined: 10/25/2008
Msg: 5
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this one is complicated
Posted: 11/8/2008 2:07:56 AM
the baby is a year and a half old,looks just like me,im on the certificate. the fact taht hes an immigrant does make a difference,because theres been a few of them trying to get in her pants over the years fromt hat place, they come and go so often too,they come up by the vanload everyday for work,try to take advantage of their short stay and sleep with every girl at the place before they go back home.ive seen it done many times to other people at her job,or they want them to marry them for citizenship. most of them were already married in their country too. its real sad. i dont want her getting hurt.i love her so much and at the same time hate her for what shes done to me. i can tell she still loves me by the way she looks at me,smiles at me still sometimes and talks to me like nothing ever happened sometimes. and other days she yells and screams at me for no reason. im moving out today and tomorrow. i got almost everything in order now. i was 1 pacycheck away from leaving but she made sure to lend me the money to get out even sooner so she can have this guy in my house. thats what kills me. i dont mind so much that were breaking up but that shes having this guy come over or move right in,eating out of my dishes,cooking on my stove etc. most everything in the house i had before we met or i bought for our first apartment. light bill is still in my name. i think if this guy is so special he can put it in HIS name.i dont want to do all these things for her AND her boyfriend.i dont want to take the baby away either,not that i cant handle her,that child loves me a great deal,we spend alot of time just sitting together in the mornings with her in my lap. her mom and i work opposite shifts so we dont have to see each other that much anyway so its been working out well.but she wants me out bad and the place is in my name. i dunno what to do all i knopw is i dont wnna be sleeping on my mothers couch at my age,its degrading.
 djunique
Joined: 10/25/2008
Msg: 6
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this one is complicated
Posted: 11/8/2008 2:47:58 AM
i know, youd think one would want some time to heal or clear their head before jumping in bed with another man,she IS an ex,see she told me she didnt wanna be with me anymore,gave me some bullshit reasons, i found out she was kissing this guy at work,from her dad even. i told her i knew what was going on. she decided to move out and was taking the baby. i tried to get her to come to her senses and walk away from the temptations. asked her to communicate more if shes got something on her mind,told her how much i cared about her,a week later she decided she wanted to stay with me,but she wanted a ring,beause i had told her i wanted to marry her already. si i agreed. everyting was GREAT for a week then she tells me dont worry about the ring,i probly cant afford one anyway. and she wanted to end i t. that weekend they planned a getaway,instead of him getting back on the van to go back to where he lived,2 hours away they got a hotel room for two nights,shipped the baby off to an inlaws while i was at work. she claims she didnt touch him till after we broke up. but the guy has nothing,no car,no liscense,no home. why would anyone want to give up their life for a man like that?
 djunique
Joined: 10/25/2008
Msg: 7
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this one is complicated
Posted: 11/8/2008 3:02:10 AM
well i wanted to leave her some things at first, the bed,some dishes,some stands,my kitchen table and chairs,(for my daughter to eat) a tv. but since she recently told me she doesnt respect me ive changed my mind,im taking everything but the table and chairs, her new man can replace all my things if he likes her that much. my mothers house is tiny,i have no room for any of my stuff,barely enough for my clothes. no room for my kids to come for overnights. its no place for me to be . since the apartment is in my name,atleast my name is ojn the top of the lease and i made all the arrangements to move in, im taking my name off the lease on monday and leting him know whats going on. if she gets kicked out well thats not my problem. i think im go nna have to get that legal advice aswell, shes the type that would keep the baby even is she had to sleep under a bridge,i dont think shes gonna hand her over easily. im ready to move on,ive came to grips with the fact shes never gonna be happy with anyone she meets. i just dont wanna see her get hurt or put my baby in a tough spot, nor do i trust this guy around her. he just dated one of her best friends a few months ago.so that alone was a low blow to her friend aswell as me
 djunique
Joined: 10/25/2008
Msg: 8
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this one is complicated
Posted: 11/8/2008 3:08:46 AM
and hell no to setting her up in her own apartment,shes a grown adult and needs to learn how to act like one, i have to start all over now. we had all our money tied up here,getting behind on bills, barely getting by.yet i loved her no matter how bad off we were financially. im living week to week and so is she. shes gonna drown in bills here. weve exchange so many letters int he last few weeks and ive thought of everything on my behalf to make things right and find out what she thinks she wants out of life but shes not budging,she doesnt know.she wont answer half my questions. i asked her if she realized that this guy will have to go back home eventually when his visa expires, if she knew how long he actually had left, and why would she want to fall inlove or even get hooked up with someone that she knows isnt gonna be around forlong. she told me it was none of my business. well it is,shes gonna get hurt,be miserable,my daughter is gonna see that and react to it.and she may take out her frustrations on her. idont want her stresses out and yelling at my kid cause she screwed up. i think she will regret this and someday kick hersself in the ass
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 9
this one is complicated
Posted: 11/8/2008 4:51:35 AM
Actually, this one isn't complicated at all. Its easy to read between the lines...and what I see is, she has a version of this story, too.

Look. you have a kid. who can't get the stuff it needs to live, UNLESS you leave it there for mom to use. You can work, get new stuff.

You say you love her, and love the baby, but this post is all about you. that's why you make it complex. If she's that bad a woman that she'll sleep with anyone...then that's her problem. YOU cannot change her, but you can change yourself....if you want to become a better person.

work on that. That's far more important, than trying to win back a woman who you claim, isn't picky about who she sleeps with.
 aprilwhyapril
Joined: 10/22/2008
Msg: 10
this one is complicated
Posted: 11/8/2008 5:34:13 AM
It seems there's more here than meets the eye and it seems you probably have sugar coated what you've done to her to make her go elsewhere. You've gotten her pregnant, out of wedlock, that's your responsibility. Not much complicated about that. Then you treat her poorly, to the point she wants out even though she now has a vulnerable child in the world. Since your child is less than two, one could only assume that the unexpected stress of raising a child put a tremendous strain on your relationship. You work odd hours down at the dock, perhaps? But it seems this was an unplanned pregnancy and neither of you were prepared to properly deal with it. Tensions rose and neither of you mature enough to handle them in an adult manner. So resentment built to the point she wanted out. Now, you are being possessive and territorial and having post-break up sex, further adding fuel to the fire, further building the resentment she is feeling towards you. This is not complicated. This is an issue you caused not anyone else. A mature adult does not look for excuses, a mature adult does the right thing.
 Gwendolyn2010
Joined: 1/22/2006
Msg: 11
this one is complicated
Posted: 11/8/2008 7:04:38 AM

Actually, this one isn't complicated at all. Its easy to read between the lines...and what I see is, she has a version of this story, too.


A voice of reason!

There are always two sides to a story, and when I read this one, I read between the lines, as well.

You say you argued "a little." I don't buy into that--I bet your relationship has been tumultuous and difficult from the beginning. If it wasn't, you wouldn't even have bothered to mention that you argued "a little." Arguing within a relationship is normal--most women and men do not blow arguing out of proportion.


well i wanted to leave her some things at first, the bed,some dishes,some stands,my kitchen table and chairs,(for my daughter to eat) a tv. but since she recently told me she doesnt respect me ive changed my mind,im taking everything but the table and chairs, her new man can replace all my things if he likes her that much


You vacillate--you want to present yourself as a rational, generous man who has the best interests of your child in mind. First, you are going to give her the "things," but then, you change your mind because she doesn't respect you. Why doesn't she respect you?

If you are worried about the child, get custody--show that she is an unfit mother. Of course, she is going to throw unfit father back at you, and those "arguments" might come into play.
 djunique
Joined: 10/25/2008
Msg: 12
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this one is complicated
Posted: 11/8/2008 9:08:32 AM
thias baby was planned,took 3 tries,first two were miscarried. we had a healthy relationship .she was just naturally a grouchy person,and when she would yell at me for something stupud i would give her a funny look and refrain from feeding the fire,and that pissed her off,
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 14
this one is complicated
Posted: 11/8/2008 10:40:10 AM
Son, what you need to do is get some competent and qualified FACE TO FACE, in your community, advice and guidance. If you have a belief system/spiritual advisor, that would be one place to look. As other posters have mentioned, get legal advice from someone with experience and qualifications pertinent to the situation. Talking to a counselor or qualified "life coach"( either both of you or just you if she refuses)might be of tremendous help.
There is a precious little child here whose wellbeing HAS TO COME FIRST.
Cindy O
 djunique
Joined: 10/25/2008
Msg: 15
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this one is complicated
Posted: 11/8/2008 11:33:06 AM
i do want to work things out with her, but i dont want to be hurt by her anymore either. i love her to death though.. but i feel she will jsut keep doing this to me even if she changed her mind yet again and wanted to put some effort into being happy as a family.thats all i ever wanted. she wont keep my daughter from me, but i know she will not want to give her up either. i wouldnt want her to take her from me,and wouldnt want to do that to her either. she needs both of us. neither my ex nor i ever really had a father in our life and we would like to see our baby have both her parents around. i dont want to be an ass about it and make things worse either. i just want both of them in my life. although i want to be happy too.so ive been looking for someone else. im willing to give her up to save myself some pain later,the relationship isnt the issue here, its what to do about my baby and my apartment and bills that she expects to keep
 djunique
Joined: 10/25/2008
Msg: 16
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this one is complicated
Posted: 11/8/2008 12:59:56 PM
wow so im in the process of leaving,,sitting in my computer room reading posts and checking emails, taking a break from the running up and down the stairs. she comes in and starts ****ing about home im not getting anyting done sitting here. i told her i was jus resting a nminute and that i was trying,she is blineded by rage to see that ive already taken a carload to storage and had loaded up a second one. i tld her i could of just as easily thrown her out,and she says but you did,you said i could have the place and im not giving you anymore time,youre leaving tonight.,like its really her house still,as far as im concerned its my house till im gone. i think she has plans for this guy to be here sooner than later and doesnt want them to fall through.hes most likely coming up from wherever he comes from on moday and bringing stuff with him,with plans to sleep here. i want to call my landlord and have her removed from my lease so she cant say shit. and her hispanic lover gets shafted.
 djunique
Joined: 10/25/2008
Msg: 17
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this one is complicated
Posted: 11/8/2008 4:47:07 PM
ok i understand that, but now shes telling me i HAVE to leave TONIGHT, this is my place,i am first on the lease and was the one to get us in here. i am not financially sound enough to leave tonight. i need some more time and she thinks she doesnt have to give it to me. so i called my landlord,he didnt answer but i left a message. if she cant resepct me or my needs to give me enough time to leave appropriately then she doesnt deserve to be left the apartment. shes gonna give me more time or im gonna have her evicted,ive read my legal rights already,i can give her 10 days to vacate,if she refuses i can have her evicted. i dont want it to come to that but shes getting nasty with me. i dont have a truck or anyone with one that can help me get my shit all out tonight,nor is the storage place open at this hour,being uhaul. cut off time is 6:30pm.i got 3 carloads in but i still have all my furniture that needs to be moved and it physically CANNOT be done tonight.
 djunique
Joined: 10/25/2008
Msg: 19
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this one is complicated
Posted: 11/8/2008 5:22:13 PM
i do have a huge heart,and im very loyal,willing to do whatever it takes to make things work. but im being treted like shit and shes trying t get the upper hand and be in control. shes made it clear that she wants ALL of my stuff out tonight and no reason for me to come back unless its to pickup or drop off my daughter. well im not leaving tonight,shes gonna have to get over it,.if that means her man is screwed over in mass waiting and expecting me to be gone by monday then so be it, i dont care about him or her feelings for him. hes a low life for trying to be with her knowing she had a man at home that loved her,and with her loving me. hes jsut as bad as her. i called my landlord tonight and left him a message letting him know what was going on to cover my ass,incase she tries to ppull a fast one on me
 djunique
Joined: 10/25/2008
Msg: 20
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this one is complicated
Posted: 11/8/2008 6:52:46 PM
she is on the lease with me,but my name is at the top,she moved in WITH me,together.i put in the effort,made the call,setup the showing,made the final decision,handed him the money. its her place too. but its just as much mine, or more. i have never hit her in my life,on purpose lol. she catched the occasional elbow in my sleep but nothing i mean to do. ive never cheated on her,i dont drink or do drugs. im home every night with her unless im working. i try my hardest to provide for my family. bring home alot of food from work to save us money, i do home canning and dehydrating. i do everything i can to be a good man and father.theres no reason to be treated like this. i got most of my stuff moved out tonight,but after her telling me i had to be gone tonight,and she didnt respect me after all ive done for her,and the fact i was gonna leave her my home,ive changed my mind. i told me landlord what was going on. im not leaving till she does. that advice on abandonment and the fact she could ruin my credit and reference was another deciding factor.
 djunique
Joined: 10/25/2008
Msg: 21
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this one is complicated
Posted: 11/8/2008 7:19:33 PM
id like to say thank you to everyone for all your insight and opinions. i didnt really think i would get this many hits or responses. its nice to know theres still people out there that actually care. this has been so hard for me,nothing is worse then seeing the person you love, loving someone else. i think what shes doing is trying to make me hate her, so i wont take her back again. so that she can end this relationship once and for all. she did this to me a few years back,it was almost identical to this time. she had another immigrant hitting on her at work and she couldnt walk away.she ended up getting on the temp van and going to mass with him for the weekend. cheated on me. i threw everything she owned in garbage bags and dropped it off at her monthers house. said some choice words to her and told her what i thought of her and her actions. a couple weeks later she came back,crying. telling me how sorry she was and she didnt know why she did this to me,but thought it was because i didnt want a family. she wanetd a baby.we worked things out and decided to have our daughter. i loved her so much i took her back after i got over it. we had a healthy relationship since then, till the next one came along that wanted to get inher pants,and she wanted him too. i cant argue with love,if thats what this is,but i know its not. hes a rebound,someone that shows interest in her for all the wrong reasons.
 djunique
Joined: 10/25/2008
Msg: 22
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this one is complicated
Posted: 11/8/2008 7:32:08 PM
obviously shes not inlove with me anymore lol, but when she inlove with me she was still kissing someoen, that last guy i wrote about above, i did cherish her and was there for her when she needed me. it boils down to this imo: shes got a fetish for latinos,shes too insecure to look for someone that actually lives here locally,has a life,goals and something to offer her other than a good time at a random hotel. she cheated once and will always cheat,she finds happiness in it i think.always having that new spark and passion with someone new and different than the last. no will power to rekindle the old one with the person she DID tell she loved every single day before she left the house. she went from cuddling,kissing,telling me she loved me everyday,bringing me food at work etc,the things couples do for each other, to all of the sudden wants me out of her life and has a new man. thats just wrong. she obviously had reasons and felt something was going sour before that day it all changed and didnt have the heart or guts to talk to me and tell me what was onher mind so that we could fix it. its not like were ***holes to each other since the day we met. i may be some of the problem,i may have not given her the attention she deserved, or didnt deserve. my skin might be the wrong color for her, whatever it is it wasnt something that happened overnight and i shouldt be held accountable for this. she is the one thats a low life,and her latino homewreckers for knowing they were trying to take her away from her family
 MyFunIsAnArtForm
Joined: 7/29/2007
Msg: 23
this one is complicated
Posted: 11/9/2008 10:27:42 AM
It's not easy when you love someone but you have to save yourself first before you can save others. If you can better your job situation and keep the child and let her visit than it's a win win situation. You have a long road ahead of you but rewarding in the long run.
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