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 desert wildflower
Joined: 6/4/2008
Msg: 1
like a dog chasing a car.Page 1 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
Alot of times,some older men have a tendency to be very amorous, let you know right from the start that the physical part of a relationship is really important ( which it is to many of us) They are all about sex, sex, sex, go after it , want it, don`t leave you alone about it,acting as if they are the best lover in the world and just are going to die without it.

So I am sure this has happened to other ladies too. You date for a while and it finally gets to the getting naked part. Guess what? The guy has ED, couldn`t do a thing if his life depends on it. But the strangest thing is, it doesn`t even seem to bother him. He isn`t even embarrassed by the fact that he has come off like King Spawn, and all of the time, he doesn`t even function.

I don`t mean to be cruel, but really , give me a break! If it aint workin` dudes, either try to get it fixed, change your lifestyle so it works, or don`t act like you are Joe Stud of the Universe. Why in the world do some older guys do this? I mean don`t they know that they are going to be busted? Most women have compassion when it comes to this type of thing and are understanding if you have told them that there is a problem. But after you have gone after it hot and heavy, act like you are the bomb and then have this deal, isn` that kind of f'd up?

Then I really love it where they tell after chasing you for months that the reason that they can`t get it up is because you just don`t do it for them. They just aren`t attracted to you. Yeah, right! What` the deal? Why do some old guys do this? I don`t get it.
 CompletelyDone
Joined: 8/12/2007
Msg: 2
like a dog chasing a car.
Posted: 11/16/2008 3:11:34 AM
There are, as I'm sure you know, a lot of causes for ED and only one of them has to do with someone's diminished attraction to someone else. But in all fairness, I think you need to look at the situation.

Many older guys have been in long term relationships or marriages until starting to date and they have no way of knowing that they are going to be hit with "performance anxiety". It's as much of a surprise and a disappointment to them as it is to the lady they're with.

Some guys are still hit with guilt pangs because they spent so long being faithful in their marriages that being with anyone else is just something that takes some adjustment... but initially, it causes problems.

Other guys are actually still in love with their exes and they also have guilt feelings around having sex with anyone else.

Around this stage of life, some men are having problems with chemical deficiencies from andropause. They either don't know about it or they choose to not face it because it's too much like "feeling old".

The retort that "you just don't do it for them" is a defensive one and it sure can hurt the lady who's been trying for the past hour but a person should NEVER take it to heart.

If it makes you angry that someone can't perform OP, I'd gently suggest to you that you haven't developed enough compassion or liking for them to be lying down with them in the first place.
 Maculon
Joined: 8/24/2008
Msg: 3
like a dog chasing a car.
Posted: 11/16/2008 3:30:39 AM
Silken fire said it best. You appear to be blaming the man. Ever consider that perhaps when the time comes - pun - that he doesn't find you physically alluring?
 CompletelyDone
Joined: 8/12/2007
Msg: 4
like a dog chasing a car.
Posted: 11/16/2008 3:39:08 AM

Ever consider that perhaps when the time comes - pun - that he doesn't find you physically alluring?


If that's truly the case Maculon, then he shouldn't be lying down with her either. If his inability to perform comes from his lack of attraction to her, wth is he doing with her? The implications of the answer don't reflect very well on his values either.

Just sayin'...
 Maculon
Joined: 8/24/2008
Msg: 5
like a dog chasing a car.
Posted: 11/16/2008 4:00:24 AM
Silken it's a bit more than that in most men. Let's say there is a bad scent...let's say she's a bit Jekyl and Hide, let's say she immediately does something that is a total turn off...What if you can't get passed the walnut sized moles... This poster is listed as big and tall...Perhaps that was a factor? So you see there may be a host of turnoffs that aren't revealed until the private moments...Including the big one for most men...The woman begins to act like a crazed demonic sex freak. ME? I'm not going to let the blame land on the men's shoulders. Yes it's 50 50

With men, and I'm sure you know this...It's where your "heads at" - mentally speaking.
 dysfunction_junction
Joined: 7/17/2008
Msg: 6
like a dog chasing a car.
Posted: 11/16/2008 4:24:55 AM
some people weren't potty trained properly or they have other freudian issues and they can't get it up except under very specific and contrived circumstances. i call that high maintenance. i wouldn't get involved ;)
 claypot
Joined: 3/7/2006
Msg: 7
like a dog chasing a car.
Posted: 11/16/2008 4:41:22 AM
Sure some men APPEAR to have ed, remember I said APPEARS. Sex is a two way street, takes two to tango and all the crap.

If a women KNOWS what she is doing, ED disappears, problem solved.

Many times a man can SENSE a women being disappointed because Mr. Winkie is not at attention right from the get go, which leaves an uncertainty heavy on their mind, making it MORE difficult to wake the little sucker up.

But either way, working or not, there are far more things to do between two people, then just giving up and leaving them feeling like crap.

Like I said, it takes TWO to tango................
 GreenEyesBlondeHair
Joined: 11/5/2007
Msg: 8
like a dog chasing a car.
Posted: 11/16/2008 4:43:27 AM

Alot of times,some older men have a tendency to be very amorous, let you know right from the start that the physical part of a relationship is really important ( which it is to many of us) They are all about sex, sex, sex, go after it , want it, don`t leave you alone about it,acting as if they are the best lover in the world and just are going to die without it.

So I am sure this has happened to other ladies too. You date for a while and it finally gets to the getting naked part. Guess what? The guy has ED, couldn`t do a thing if his life depends on it. But the strangest thing is, it doesn`t even seem to bother him. He isn`t even embarrassed by the fact that he has come off like King Spawn, and all of the time, he doesn`t even function.

I don`t mean to be cruel, but really , give me a break! If it aint workin` dudes, either try to get it fixed, change your lifestyle so it works, or don`t act like you are Joe Stud of the Universe. Why in the world do some older guys do this? I mean don`t they know that they are going to be busted? Most women have compassion when it comes to this type of thing and are understanding if you have told them that there is a problem. But after you have gone after it hot and heavy, act like you are the bomb and then have this deal, isn` that kind of f'd up?

Then I really love it where they tell after chasing you for months that the reason that they can`t get it up is because you just don`t do it for them. They just aren`t attracted to you. Yeah, right! What` the deal? Why do some old guys do this? I don`t get it.


OP, I think a person who does this has more than physical issues, they have MENTAL issues as well! It has NOTHING to do w/ you! If the ole coot w/ a melted-jello-boo-boo-wee-wee chased you knowing what he had (or didn't have) then had the gall to point the finger at you he is nuts (even tho he has no nuts!)


If it makes you angry that someone can't perform OP, I'd gently suggest to you that you haven't developed enough compassion or liking for them to be lying down with them in the first place.

My take on it that the OP is NOT mad for the lack of an erection, but for all the phony ridiculous behavior PRIOR to the lack of erection- who likes false advertising & misrepresentation???


Silken fire said it best. You appear to be blaming the man. Ever consider that perhaps when the time comes - pun - that he doesn't find you physically alluring?
how cruel & ignorant of a statement is that!


Silken it's a bit more than that in most men. Let's say there is a bad scent...let's say she's a bit Jekyl and Hide, let's say she immediately does something that is a total turn off...What if you can't get passed the walnut sized moles... This poster is listed as big and tall...Perhaps that was a factor? So you see there may be a host of turnoffs that aren't revealed until the private moments...Including the big one for most men...The woman begins to act like a crazed demonic sex freak. ME? I'm not going to let the blame land on the men's shoulders. Yes it's 50 50

With men, and I'm sure you know this...It's where your "heads at" - mentally speaking.

Why assume it's the OP's fault? The man pursued her, not the other way around! And why would tall be a turn-off? I think the man the OP talks about & the situation is just ridiculous & she should thank her lucky stars she didn't have sex w/ a jack a$$ & move on to bigger & better things!

 Ismene1
Joined: 7/25/2008
Msg: 9
like a dog chasing a car.
Posted: 11/16/2008 4:58:59 AM

With men, and I'm sure you know this...It's where your "heads at" - mentally speaking.

With all due respect, maculon, I think you are missing the very good points silkenfire has made. For various reasons, a man with Ed may be in denial. Physiologically, as she has said, and I think she's done some reading on this as I believe she earlier presented us with a thread on andropause (sp?), it is rarely the sexual attractiveness of the partner that is the cause of ED. And, she and desertwildflower made the point that the man has already made sexual overtures to the woman and has gone to bed with her, so it seems he would feel sexual attraction. ED is something I have really only heard much about or learned much about here, on the POF forums, but it seems most men can avoid the problem through taking care of their health, and those who are in denial about it and not taking care of the problem but blaming their partner(s) are not going to get better and may get to a point where it is too late to fix it.

As far as the OP: Why men do it seems quite obvious: they are in denial. We are all in denial about something. ED is a pretty difficult things to face, I'd imagine. But blaming things like this on someone else isn't going to help.
 desert wildflower
Joined: 6/4/2008
Msg: 10
like a dog chasing a car.
Posted: 11/16/2008 5:00:41 AM
Let`s face it. This is pretty common behavior with old horn dogs who still think they are a cassanova, a few cigs, a few drinks, high BP. BINGO. It don`t work. They think they are all of that, and they are not. If they aren`t physically capable because of lifestyle issues, they shouldn`t be acting all verile and leading women on and hounding them for sex. That is all. I`m not talking about when the woman is the persuer. I`m talking about the guy who is relentless. And I`m not talking about having intercourse with them. It`s when they can` wait to take their clothes off and it isn`t even working at that point and they still blame you. It`s when they are all aggressive
and not leaving you alone and then they do stupid crap like whipping it out or getting naked and then tell you that they were never attracted to you. Why chase then?

Most of the respondents so far didn`t apparently understand the scenario or just don`t want to and want to slam the OP as usual. Guys don`t want to admit to doing crap like this. They are just dillusional. Is honesty too much to ask for?
 girldiver
Joined: 8/23/2007
Msg: 11
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History
like a dog chasing a car.
Posted: 11/16/2008 5:32:03 AM
I had a similar situation, but this guy was 38. Did the same thing as you describe. He finally confessed that he was into bondage. At that point, I gave him the "Let's just be friends" talk. It feels like a waste of time, doesn't it?
 Maculon
Joined: 8/24/2008
Msg: 12
like a dog chasing a car.
Posted: 11/16/2008 6:07:34 AM
Silliness...And I know better than to enter a thread like this. It's always the mans fault...It's always the mans fault...It's easy to blame, far easier. It takes a bigger soul to say hey, perhaps it's something I did.
 Childlike Wonder
Joined: 10/21/2007
Msg: 13
like a dog chasing a car.
Posted: 11/16/2008 6:07:51 AM
Just another reason why we should TALK and GET TO KNOW people before we drop our pants. If I am into a guy for more than just having sex (and I am), I'd like to talk about sex before it happens. That is the time to share with each other any fears. Some years ago I had been dating someone; we were attracted and I knew where it was leading. He sat me down one evening and confessed his BP meds were causing him to have ED. He had some issues with not feeling like a man, etc. It was a very touching moment for both of us. Yes we made love after that and even with his issues, we both came away very satisfied.
 ankkka
Joined: 8/29/2007
Msg: 14
like a dog chasing a car.
Posted: 11/16/2008 6:07:58 AM
I wonder...where you find that topic?
Is it the same...as a gentleman chasing a lady?
 Ismene1
Joined: 7/25/2008
Msg: 15
like a dog chasing a car.
Posted: 11/16/2008 6:13:13 AM
Silliness...And I know better than to enter a thread like this. It's always the mans fault...It's always the mans fault...It's easy to blame, far easier. It takes a bigger soul to say hey, perhaps it's something I did.
It doesn't have to do with blaming anyone. If a man isn't attracted to a woman, of course he doesn't want to make love to her. ED, whether in an older man or, as it sometimes happens in a younger man, has to do with various things, like anxiety, or it can be related to andropause, but as far as is known, it is not about, hey, he wanted her, they are in bed and suddenly he realizes she is undesireable. It's not about blaming anyone. It's about the realities of the situation.


Just another reason why we should TALK and GET TO KNOW people before we drop our pants.
Exactly.


let's say she immediately does something that is a total turn off...What if you can't get passed the walnut sized moles... This poster is listed as big and tall...Perhaps that was a factor? So you see there may be a host of turnoffs that aren't revealed until the private moments...Including the big one for most men...The woman begins to act like a crazed demonic sex freak.
Does this kind of thing actually happen, and often, or if it does, is it pretty rare ? I honestly don't know and am not being snide. The only time I've experienced a man not being able to perform was in my early 20's, he was the same age, and it was, apparently, performance anxiety. Otherwise, this is an issue I don't have first hand knowledge of, but am going by the seemingly knowledgeable posts of both men and women in silkenfire's thread on andropause.

The point about getting to know each other before going to bed together is very pertinent here.
 theuncommon1
Joined: 11/27/2007
Msg: 16
like a dog chasing a car.
Posted: 11/16/2008 7:25:23 AM
After my first marriage I had a serious relationship with a nice fellow that fell apart because of the sex--or lack of sex for me, anyway. He was early 40's-had never been married... and I truly believe, just didn't know he had a problem. He had just enough to be able to "enter the gate" so to speak... but not enough to do any woman justice. Not only that... he had no lasting ability. Sexual attraction was NOT the issue as he was after me... AND it was more than one time... AND he kept coming back for more. I talked with him about it and he really didn't get it---we tried some different techniques to no avail. He didn't understand how women work, and what women need. He thought because he had his two minutes of joy that I must have thought it was great. I'm sure not all men are that naive, but I think we need to be fair--- some guys really don't know or understand all the "ins and outs"
Communication is important! HOWEVER, any man that is going to spend time "blaming" instead of communicating is not worth any woman's time!
 desert wildflower
Joined: 6/4/2008
Msg: 17
like a dog chasing a car.
Posted: 11/16/2008 8:08:38 AM
Hard for me to believe naivety! Have they never seen any porn? Possibly not but I doubt it. Some men are just plain lazy and don`t care about the woman being satisfied. They just want to get off, and they live their whole lives like that. I often wonder why any woman would stay with a guy like that.I guess women who don`t like sex much would be perfect for a guy like that.
 wdb2064
Joined: 6/7/2008
Msg: 18
like a dog chasing a car.
Posted: 11/16/2008 8:49:32 AM
A guy shouldn't be "chasing you for months" [which I doubt but in Alaska, who knows!!] nor should he bring Wee Willie Winky out to play and blaming you when it doesn't work. However, I see you keep mentioning "old guys" or "older guys". Maybe you should consider a younger model then.
I agree and thank Silken Fire for offering logical, intelligent answers which make sense. Cudos to Silken Fire.
 mediumfoot
Joined: 11/10/2008
Msg: 19
like a dog chasing a car.
Posted: 11/16/2008 9:26:13 AM
If I got naked with a woman and she suddenly lost interest in having sex with me, I would not think it was because she had been lying about wanting to have sex with me up until that point. I would think it was because the sight of my naked body squelched her desire. I believe it to be a case of desire squelching, Hell, I can squelch my own fantasies just by walking by a mirror naked and assuming what the reaction would be.
 Thorb
Joined: 7/15/2005
Msg: 20
like a dog chasing a car.
Posted: 11/16/2008 10:02:26 AM
not sure about this dog simile
my understanding of a dog chasing a car is that its instinctual
the car entered the dog's territory and instinct causes it to chase it away
its reinforced each time a car leaves
so the habit continues.

your action description would not seem to be reinforcing the initial action
I doubt it would continue so... there must be more to it.

personal ED experiences... from youth and age
the ... surprise ... he decided to go back into hiding has happened
even right at the gates when he jumped to attention with a kiss [lip to lip]
these things happen ... [performance anxiety ... guilt etc.]
if Mr. happy never stood up for you at all during the pursuit ... then you have the real ED problem that might be totally physical and need medical attention.

If he was a bit like a toilet seat at a party [going up and down constantly] then it is most likely comfort levels and you two really were not ready to consummate.
Try just sleeping together all night without the performance pressure thing and be sure to talk about having no performance pressures ... just cuddle .

The into ... got to have it ... got to have ... gotta have ... is probably a left over mentality from the pre marriage locker room days of guys thinking they have to always be trying to get it when they are with a girl. Sort of a juvenile throwback ... mid life / old life crisis thing.

[please don't generalize all us guys into that , though the gene is probably present ]

I have experienced ... Willie don't want to ... many times in my life.
lots of times I have never really figured out why ... and I doubt anyone else could either. I never let it change my approach or love of being naked with a woman. I didn't try to blame anything for I got to understand it could be as simple as a smell or a noise or as complex as I didn't feel worthy or was cheating on a memory. Or that mole made me think of my brother or mother.

The human mind is very complex and so often people don't want to deeply analyze it and even when they do they don't understand it ... its a lot like trying to figure out your dreams... sex can be allot like a dream... or a nightmare. Its so often all in the mind.

When it doesn't work ... if I like someone I will try again ... but generally like baseball.
three strikes and your out.




 Sapphireeyes
Joined: 1/13/2008
Msg: 21
like a dog chasing a car.
Posted: 11/16/2008 10:19:45 AM
Wow I havent experienced this at all, I have had men who told me upfront that Ed might be an issue and that they were content with just holding and cuddling, they also mentioned that once they got comfortable there was never an issue, so I think that might be part of the problem, the man felt you would be the type to come on the forums and make fun of him for not getting it up ...and he was proved correct!
 cdn*guy
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 22
like a dog chasing a car.
Posted: 11/16/2008 10:43:07 AM
[laffin] ... Yes, the threat of: "You better perform as expected or it will be all over the internet in the morning" will make most old dogs go find other cars to chase ... (to further twist a rather disjointed analogy).

cdn guy
 Uncle_Enrico
Joined: 7/11/2006
Msg: 23
view profile
History
like a dog chasing a car.
Posted: 11/16/2008 10:54:04 AM
There's always the oral option. Couldn't you guys come up with a Plan B?

I see by your profile that you're bald, BBW and living in Alaska. Maybe you need to find a guy who doesn't need a hairy head, a petite torso or warm winter weather to get him charged up and standing at attention.
 girldiver
Joined: 8/23/2007
Msg: 24
view profile
History
like a dog chasing a car.
Posted: 11/16/2008 11:05:49 AM
Bald and a 7" foot tall moose hunter. Yeah, right....
 parrothead 13
Joined: 10/21/2007
Msg: 25
view profile
History
like a dog chasing a car.
Posted: 11/16/2008 11:28:02 AM
Most guys have an ego issue. We are used to "performing" in lots of areas, sex being one. Unfortunately a lot of guys have what i would call fragile egos. Rather than being able to deal with an occasional failure they try and make excuses. the performance anxiety thing might also happen in the situation you are talking about, followed by some sort of lame attempt at an excuse. personally i dont have that issue ( i dont chase women for sex, it happens when/if it happens) but lots of guys my age and older have a real issue with needing to prove themselves (mostly to themselves) and ruin what might be otherwise good things.
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