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Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > If an individual is a hoarder, can they romantically attach to someon      Home login  
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 professora
Joined: 7/28/2008
Msg: 1
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If an individual is a hoarder, can they romantically attach to someone?Page 1 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
Has anyone married or had a long term relationship with a hoarder?


HOARDING DEFINED:
-the acquisition of, and failure to discard, a large number of possessions that appear to be useless or of limited value.

-living spaces sufficiently cluttered so as to preclude activities for which those spaces were designed
 Pair O Docs
Joined: 10/20/2008
Msg: 2
If an individual is a hoarder, can they romantically attach to someone?
Posted: 12/1/2008 10:33:59 PM
Haven't married or been in a relationship with one. And that's only because of the divorces I've seen from people who actually DID live with one.

Hoarding is about 'control' - or rather, the perception of having control over something that they actually have no control over. And it also stems from them having lack of control over another person as well. It's probably even WORSE than an OCD condition. Hoarders have a very hard time 'loving'. They are actually the types to 'never be pleased' at or with anything or anybody. And trying to stop them from hoarding without some serious therapy is virtually impossible. And, the amazing thing is....hoarders are GREAT at trying to convince a partner or a spouse, and everybody within earshot, that the PARTNER is the 'controlling' one when the partner asks for the hoarder to GET RID OF SOME THINGS. I've seen people's houses that are so piled up with crap that they bought from QVC that they will never use....EVER....that the only floor space in the house is a pathway from the door to the dining room......SIX FEET HIGH on either side. I personally knew a hoarder who actually endangered the life of her own quadraplegic daughter when the fire department couldn't even get the girl out of her house when she fell out of bed because of all the crap from fifty years that had been piled as high as the walls themselves.

Not good......not good at all.....
 Sylvilagus
Joined: 4/14/2004
Msg: 3
If an individual is a hoarder, can they romantically attach to someone?
Posted: 12/1/2008 10:43:17 PM
My ex came from a line of hoarders/clutterers. I didn't see the obvious signs until I had become complacent. One bedroom and the living/dining rooms were filled with yards and yards of fabric (for clothing, along with patterns) that would never be cut and made, needlepoint canvas, yarn, new clothes in sizes much smaller than she would ever be. She also hoarded cookware, most of which was never taken out of the box. She bought cosmetics she never used. Her average monthly expenditures on cosmetics alone was about $500 USD in the 1980's to early 1990's. She bought jewelry, then never wore it. I joke now that she's living proof there's no income you can't live beyond. She was( at the time- haven't seen or spoken to her in over 15 years) a medical professional and made a very good income, as did I. Nothing of value or significance to show for it, however. Our home was modest, but we did eat well.

After her parents passed away, in cleaning out their house we hauled away 17 long construction dumpsters full of trash.

She also had a little problem with cleaning. There was so much 'stuff' stacked up, it became impossible to run a vacuum cleaner, and she tended to eat her meals in one room of the house but was incapable of taking dishes back to the kitchen and picking up paper- newspaper, envelopes from discarded mail, tissues, wrappers, and such. I tried, but there were underlying issues which I shan't go into. For most of our 13 year marriage, I lived /slept in a separate room, but had to walk around her stacks. She filed for divorce, yet took me through the courts for nearly 4 years before it was completed. No children, btw.

Regards,
Rabbit.
 ForumFilly
Joined: 5/14/2008
Msg: 4
If an individual is a hoarder, can they romantically attach to someone?
Posted: 12/1/2008 10:51:56 PM
Oh, Professora... this thread made me laugh out loud. Yes, I was married to a world champion hoarder! And just thinking about him makes me smile. He, unfortunately, passed away and I didn't realize the extent of his hoarding until after his death. This man had been a computer engineer for Unisys (previously Sperry Rand, et al) for over 30 yrs. He helped install the huge computers in the Las Vegas casinos in the 1950's and worked on loan to JPL on Voyager. He was brilliant and eccentric and managed to hang onto boxes and boxes of unused IBM computer punch cards that hadn't been used in decades. I had come across these gems in the garage prior to his death and asked him why he had them. His answer? In case they ever came back in usage. Yeah! Like that's going to happen! He also kept Beta cassette players and tapes, record albums that he never opened (until I convinced him why have them if you don't enjoy listening to them) and sundry other things. Our garage was full of things from the 40's, 50's, 60's, 70's and 80's. He didn't expand his hoarding into the house very much, thank goodness. In a 900 sq. ft house, we would have really been in trouble.

A therapist once told us that he did this because of fear of dying. If he held onto these things it would be a way of keeping him here. I don't know if this is true or not, but since he was in poor health, I figured if he wanted to keep everything he saw, that was fine with me. I could deal with get rid of the stuff after he was gone. Trouble is, after he passed away, I wanted to keep everything also, since it reminded me of him. My stepdaughter had to go through the mess for me and I will always be eternally grateful to her for doing so.
 joanne1357
Joined: 9/20/2008
Msg: 5
If an individual is a hoarder, can they romantically attach to someone?
Posted: 12/2/2008 3:20:29 AM
we had an incident in my area last yr around Xmas. The woman lived in the country & died; when her friends went to the house they found it & a 2 story barn FILLED with stuff she bought from QVC. They held a sale so they could pay the woman's bills.. there were boxes & boxes of unopened items from jewelry to clothes to cookware & anything you could possibly want. It took 3 whole days to get rid of all this. Was advertised in the paper & a co worker went just to see what they had. She said it was floor to ceiling everywhere unopened boxes with tags still on. Apparently the deceased had spent hundreds of thousands of dollars on this stuff.. & never used any.
Hoarding like this is a real illness

I wouldnt get involved with someone like this
 highwater
Joined: 10/21/2008
Msg: 6
If an individual is a hoarder, can they romantically attach to someone?
Posted: 12/2/2008 3:32:49 AM
If you love someone and they hoard how to handle it, explain your feelings about it. Two adults can come to some sort of agreement about it. Now a place like fred sanfords. It would be tough. And hard to live in a place such as that. I think we all need our own spaces. Most prefer neat and orderly. So whats to do. Mutual respect.
 dysfunction_junction
Joined: 7/17/2008
Msg: 7
If an individual is a hoarder, can they romantically attach to someone?
Posted: 12/2/2008 3:40:14 AM
why the hell not? my ex's mother was a world champion hoarder. not only was the house filled with stuff that had not seen the light of day in years, she had a bus in the back yard packed as tight as a sausage with even more stuff that human hands had not touched in aeons. all because, of course, that stuff could come in handy one day. lol.

she was very happily married for many years. until death did they part.

if that kind of behavior bothers the significant other, then of course there's a fundamental problem and difference in lifestyle values that only heading for the horizon will ultimately solve.
 lelathecat
Joined: 6/14/2008
Msg: 8
If an individual is a hoarder, can they romantically attach to someone?
Posted: 12/2/2008 4:00:04 AM
LOL of course none of the people here would admit to being one.
 Jim978
Joined: 7/15/2008
Msg: 9
If an individual is a hoarder, can they romantically attach to someone?
Posted: 12/2/2008 4:06:05 AM

Has anyone married or had a long term relationship with a hoarder?


HOARDING DEFINED:
-the acquisition of, and failure to discard, a large number of possessions that appear to be useless or of limited value.

-living spaces sufficiently cluttered so as to preclude activities for which those spaces were designed


If you'd like I could send you my mother's email addy. She's been a hoarder her whole life and my folks have been married for 55 years now. (And by hoarder I mean things like when they moved out of their house it took 14 dumpsters to clear all the newspapers/magazines out and they still moved an entire tractor trailer load into their 2 bedroom condo. Yeah, that's gonna be fun some day...)
 winernotreally
Joined: 10/15/2007
Msg: 10
If an individual is a hoarder, can they romantically attach to someone?
Posted: 12/2/2008 10:28:16 AM
^^^Hey, Jim, are we twins separated at birth!?^^^^

I'm a 'semi-hoarder', learned at my Mother's knee.
Guess she has the excuse that growing up in the Depression and having lived through rationing in WWII, made her that way! 'Course, when she passes (in her 80s now), I'll miss her. Though I'm bracing myself NOW for going through that filing cabinet with the yellowing newspaper articles spewing out of the 6 drawers!

I do go through my 'junk' on a regular basis and give away/discard....and I don't really hoard anymore. I've had to move too often, so now consider even 'bulk' items from Costco to be too much for me! Every time I do clean out the garage or move I wonder "How the heck did I collect 7 cans of WD-40? I don't remember obtaining them? Did they migrate?"
With today's enforced 'frugality', some of those 'hoarded' items...like canned food and fabric....could come in handy! At least as donations....the Food Banks are at an all-time low!

Though, just think, inheriting all that 'hoarding' could make you a millionaire on eBay!
 winernotreally
Joined: 10/15/2007
Msg: 11
If an individual is a hoarder, can they romantically attach to someone?
Posted: 12/2/2008 11:12:09 AM
oops, professora, to answer the rest of your question....

Yes, they can 'attach', though at what kind of level?
I know that I can, because I'm not attached to my 'objects' anymore! I believe I've 'broken the cycle'. Come to think of it, I only collected 'stuff' when I was married and, subconsciously, rather unhappy. Possibly a way of sublimating my creative side that had been buried waaay down over the years.

And I think that it is an addiction. So, the attachment for many of these hoarders has an inherent codependency. Or 'control' issues. I do see that in my Mom. My sister and I have been calling her a 'dry drunk' for years.
 starstuff942
Joined: 6/26/2008
Msg: 12
If an individual is a hoarder, can they romantically attach to someone?
Posted: 12/2/2008 11:30:06 AM
Whew, it was nice to read this thread. Now I know that I'm not a true hoarder. I have very little in comparison to the people that have been described here. So, I guess I'm just a saver. lol I have some sentimental things and some fun things that I haven't been able to part with yet. Most of my things are packed in boxes around the periphery of my garage.

pair o docs: I want to thank you for your definition of hoarder. It describes one of my brothers to a T. What you said makes a lot of sense when I think of him, it also makes me very sad. But, I have to remember that he is here for his own journey, whatever that may be.
 breath~
Joined: 1/13/2008
Msg: 13
If an individual is a hoarder, can they romantically attach to someone?
Posted: 12/2/2008 12:22:23 PM
This is kinda silly.... I mean.... can a 'hoarder' romantically attach? Huh?

What does hoarding things have to do with being able to.. or not able to.. romantically attach with someone

I guess it could be thought they are so attached to "things" that they can't love a person too and want that person around?
I dunno... maybe there are a few who can't.
Just like there are a few in ANY 'group' of people.
But a general all encompassing statement that hoarders can't romantically attach with someone... is just silly, in my opinion.
 Sapphireeyes
Joined: 1/13/2008
Msg: 14
If an individual is a hoarder, can they romantically attach to someone?
Posted: 12/2/2008 12:27:01 PM
My mom lived thru the depression and she is a classic example of a hoader. You cant find what you need cause of all the other stuff she has. I have a tendency to throw away things I might one day need cause after growing up in clutter I cant stand it.

If I was to met someone who the only issue was that they were a hoader I would gladly celebrate that and help them with their collection!!!!!!! Anyone who would consider this a dealbreaker has more issues than the hoader.
 breath~
Joined: 1/13/2008
Msg: 15
If an individual is a hoarder, can they romantically attach to someone?
Posted: 12/2/2008 12:32:34 PM
Just wondering, sapphireeyes, in one paragraph you say you say "I can't stand it", (clutter). That's a strong statement. Then you go on to say it wouldn't be a big issue if that was the only issue.
 safn1949
Joined: 6/19/2007
Msg: 16
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If an individual is a hoarder, can they romantically attach to someone?
Posted: 12/2/2008 1:19:43 PM
My Mom was what I called a packrat,didn't have too much stuff but a pile ,no doubt.I have an ex girl friend that I lived with for 6 years,we are still friends and we had to buy a new house because she finally had so much stuff.And now that house is full to overflowing.Stuff she never uses,enough food to feed a Marine regiment,frozen and packaged,enough cookware,etc to cook for said regiment.Untold hundreds of CD's and vcr tapes.Clothes by the ton,you get the idea.With her it's a sense of comfort in possessions,they never cheat or leave and they belong to her.She says you never know when you will need something,my house burned down and I lost 50 years worth of stuff,now I just don't miss all that crap.

And she is very loving if you can get by the stuff!
 wdb2064
Joined: 6/7/2008
Msg: 17
If an individual is a hoarder, can they romantically attach to someone?
Posted: 12/2/2008 1:25:32 PM
I don't see why they couldn't attach to someone. They attached themselves to items easy enough.....lmao. If you love a hoarder, you just build a large barn. Problem solved. LOLOL

 Sapphireeyes
Joined: 1/13/2008
Msg: 18
If an individual is a hoarder, can they romantically attach to someone?
Posted: 12/2/2008 1:30:00 PM
lol Breath, I really cant stand clutter, but if that was the ONLY thing someone did I am sure I could learn to love it...compared to the host of other things a person at our age can have...addiction issues, trust issues etc ...Life is good!
 winernotreally
Joined: 10/15/2007
Msg: 20
If an individual is a hoarder, can they romantically attach to someone?
Posted: 12/2/2008 2:35:50 PM
"if she did not vacuum right before he came home from work, so that he could see the vacuum mark lines, he would come unglued."

OMG! That poor woman! If he became a maniac over that, can you imagine the years of pain endured because she had to 'hold' her gas in at night while sleeping?!
 Leagueofextraordinarymen
Joined: 3/24/2008
Msg: 21
If an individual is a hoarder, can they romantically attach to someone?
Posted: 12/2/2008 3:20:49 PM
I'm just slightly confused, if they own a ranch and have lots of horses and they keep buying horses, now here comes the confusing part ! and they pile the horse manure in behind the barn is that considered hoarding
Ok I get it now, only if they were to pile it in the house!!!! thanks for the clarification...
 readyornot57
Joined: 1/19/2008
Msg: 22
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If an individual is a hoarder, can they romantically attach to someone?
Posted: 12/2/2008 3:20:51 PM
On a serious note, many of these people hold on to prescription medicine that has been expired for twenty years and food that is well past the expiration date. They also keep many broken items, some which can cause injury.
 winernotreally
Joined: 10/15/2007
Msg: 23
If an individual is a hoarder, can they romantically attach to someone?
Posted: 12/2/2008 4:30:48 PM
^^^yep, very true!^^^
In my past, I was very much into the 'saving broken items'. Could have applied to my marriage, matter of fact!


Now-a-days my philosophy is "If its broke, there is no way on God's Green Earth that you, or anybody you know, will EVER fix it!" Hence, I shop at garage sales verrry carefully.
 professora
Joined: 7/28/2008
Msg: 24
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Jazzythecat --an individual is a hoarder, can they romantically attach to someone?
Posted: 12/2/2008 4:35:05 PM
Jazzythecat
Thanks I looked up hoarder and did not see this particular type of OCD. from my research they seem to be in a class of their own.

these posts are very informative.
 professora
Joined: 7/28/2008
Msg: 25
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lelathecat- individual is a hoarder, can they romantically attach to someone?
Posted: 12/2/2008 4:40:22 PM
lelathecat : "LOL of course none of the people here would admit to being one"

Most people probably dont know they are hoarders but anyone else can see it. ITs not something a person can hide.
 professora
Joined: 7/28/2008
Msg: 26
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winernotreally -
Posted: 12/2/2008 4:44:11 PM
winernotreally :

Talking about inheriting- the research says hoarding is genetically linked and that brain "images" taken of hoarders is different than the brain images of others.

It sounds as if you have good control.
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