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 davidsauvignon
Joined: 2/6/2008
Msg: 2
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Am I Being Played?Page 1 of 7    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)

Am I just kidding myself that something more will happen?

I think brevity will work here.......more than likely, yes you are.





~ds~
 OneMoreTimeWithFeeling
Joined: 9/8/2008
Msg: 5
Am I Being Played?
Posted: 12/16/2008 2:07:39 PM
Well good luck with that. You are both in rebound situations. Plain and simple. Keep banging each other until you are over your exes. Enjoy the ride. Don't get your feelings of lust confused with love.

That is all. Carry on.
 WhiteWaterRogue
Joined: 4/3/2007
Msg: 7
Am I Being Played?
Posted: 12/16/2008 2:11:38 PM
"that things were going way too fast and he didn't want to be in a relationship or have any commitments"

What is hard to figure out? It sounds like you don't like his answer and you have different feelings and expectations. Patience sounds like the only option right now. The amount of time it takes for people to be ready to be commited is different for different people. Heck, you both JUST got divorces, if I read your post correctly. What's your hurry? Enjoy the ride or get off the bike. Set a personal time limit for yourself if you need to be IN a relationship with this guy.
 davidsauvignon
Joined: 2/6/2008
Msg: 14
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Am I Being Played?
Posted: 12/16/2008 2:21:09 PM

We are both going through divorces

OP, can you clarify this statement? I took it to mean you are both separated and neither of you is divorced yet?


*ETA ^^.......mmmmm, garlic bread!


~ds~
 sydneyleigh
Joined: 3/21/2008
Msg: 18
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Am I Being Played?
Posted: 12/16/2008 2:35:02 PM

that things were going way too fast and he didn't want to be in a relationship or have any commitments


As hard as it is to hear, he's told you the truth. guys actually TELL US what they are thinking, if we listen.

So, your options are:

1. believe him, accept the relationship for what it is... and don't complain about his actions.
2. end it and go find someone who is more ready to be in a relationship.
3. chalk it up to rebound and hang out with him until you find someone better.

sydney
 GeneralizingNow
Joined: 10/10/2007
Msg: 19
Am I Being Played?
Posted: 12/16/2008 2:36:23 PM
Chicken, meet egg.

Just who is playing WHOM, here? Are you not both getting the same thing, only different?
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 21
Am I Being Played?
Posted: 12/16/2008 2:44:11 PM
No, you are not being played. You are both rebound. You are both learning what you want. You are both enjoying the sex.
 blondi75
Joined: 8/30/2007
Msg: 24
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Am I Being Played?
Posted: 12/16/2008 3:31:58 PM
OMG this sounds like me and my ex but he was the older one going through the divorce. I was singel. I felt the same way everything the same how crazy. Well he just stopped calling me and I decided I was tired of bending over backwards to make him happy! If he really wanted to be with me he would call and chase me! I think you should leave it up to him and maybe read sum books and go out with friends . one book the women men adore!Good Luck!
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 25
Am I Being Played?
Posted: 12/16/2008 3:47:14 PM
~OP~ Iffy at best. I think rebound is my take on this. I think you'd better adjust to the reality this is what it is and just let it be what it is, or terminate the situation. Geez, wait until you are, in fact, single and truly capable to enter into something healthy with someone else who is healthy. This just sounds like major dysfunction with more to come. (BTW: Not knowing the woman you are about to marry is strung out on meds of any type is simply a little tough for me to fathom. It's pretty "in your face" especially with pain killers. He's either not telling you the truth or he has a penchant for avoidance behaviors and ignoring reality.) Why let 4 months cloud your mind/heart and body??? It's likely not going to change and you are wasting time that could be spent figuring out what parts of you need a little tweeking in order to avoid another failed relationship in the future. It takes a good deal of alone time to delve deep into the abyss of the failures we encounter. Adding another dysfunctional person to the mix certainly doesn't help things. (And maybe he's just spending time until she's out of rehad, wouldn't be the first time someone is just a "time filler.") Good luck to ya. JMO
 Riverkilt
Joined: 11/16/2008
Msg: 28
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Am I Being Played?
Posted: 12/16/2008 5:11:52 PM
Most folks in the process of divorce LOVE the new FREEDOM and don't want to dive back into another relationship. Would guess he's confused more than a player, or doesn't want to hurt you.

There's also the post divorce need for 'validation.' Am I still attractive, desireable, etc.??? You're certainly doing that for each other, but at the cost of FREEDOM.

I support the advice to get out there and date more. Have fun, meet more folks.

The odds of finding "Mr. Right" before your divorce is final are nil.

It takes TIME.

I remember early dating after my divorce...I was having a great time with a lady. After a few dates she sat me down and told me, "You're not ready yet." She was so right.

Puts some years between you and your divorce before you hook up. Meantime ENJOY the dating scene, roll with the insanity of it, and have some FUN.

Find out who you are without a man.
 idahosun
Joined: 4/26/2006
Msg: 32
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Am I Being Played?
Posted: 12/16/2008 6:36:29 PM
OP, he probably cares for you as much as he capable in the situation, but it is not love and never will be. I would never, ever be the one to always call and set up a pattern of behavior where he KNOWS you are available whenever he wants you. I'm sorry you have feelings for him, but as stated before, you both need to be divorced and do a lot of introspection about your failed relationships before either of you jump into another one. I think you are confusing lust with what you are really looking for. And I think you need to let time pass before you even consider another ltr leading to something peremanent. Good luck to you, I hope you quit calling him and you will see that you are just a convenience at this point in time. And as to the drugs, HA! been down that road, you know it as soon as you are around them for any length of time. JMO
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 34
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Am I Being Played?
Posted: 12/16/2008 6:39:56 PM
Look at the trail of women he's dated, decide if you fit in there (and aren't aware of the fact that you are like these women) or if you are so far off the mark for the kind of women he needs to fill his issues. People with a list of dysfunctional relationships rarely are seeking a functional one, unless he's has extensive therapy that worked well. Or he may be well aware that you have both just gotten out of bad relationships and he sees that it's a very bad idea to jump right into another one...maybe he's seeing the error of his past ways and sees you as a big red flag or knows you aren't ready and neither is he.
 idahosun
Joined: 4/26/2006
Msg: 38
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Am I Being Played?
Posted: 12/16/2008 10:40:57 PM
LOL, what a great generality, she is at her sexual peak because she is 41, so she is using him. ..they are both using each other and sexual peaks can happen at any time in one's life, I speak from experience. But the point is, she needs to get her self-respect back and stop calling this guy who disrespects her by letting her make all the moves, he is not ready for a relationship. period. and I don't think she is either.
 Wishes Granted
Joined: 3/6/2008
Msg: 40
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Am I Being Played?
Posted: 12/16/2008 11:34:26 PM
This is how your "relationship" seems to me:

we met and started getting close and then he freaked out sayin that things were going way too fast and he didn't want to be in a relationship or have any commitments.
LISTEN to what he is saying to you !!I've learned that when someone says that to me.. they've met that they don't want a commitment with ME.

I guess I have him trained after 4 months that I will call him and that it's ok for him to not call me back for days
He is waiting for you to initiate so he can see you without feeling guilty because he most likely knows you want more so by you calling him it's your choice to accept his not wanting a relationship but still continue with all it's benefits.

I try to not call him, but it is very hard.. I guess I think if I don't call him, then he will think I'm uninterested....?????
Hmmm.. that's only because he's not calling you and that makes you think that HE's not interested and god forbid that he should suffer like you are when he doesn't call eh. Have you ever waited to call him? Did you wait forevva and he still didn't call?

Do you know if the two of you are exclusive.. have you had this conversation?

You say he feels guilty about his ex.. I don't know, but it sounds like he may be waiting for the ex to get out of rehab and then he may want to see if he can return to her???? Or, if she's already out (not clear) then they may be "rekindling" certain aspects of their relationship.

Be good to yourself.. don't break your own heart with someone who does'nt want /won't/can't have a true relationship with you.. unless of course you're happy with the way things are.. Thing is; You're unhappy with it.. or you wouldn't have posted this question. Unfortunately, too many of us have ignored our intuition and gut feelings... it's going to be rough getting over this one because you're going to blame yourself along with grieving the loss of him. You can't blame him.. he's been totally honest with you.
 Wishes Granted
Joined: 3/6/2008
Msg: 43
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Am I Being Played?
Posted: 12/17/2008 6:27:28 AM

Why can't you just enjoy what you have and not over analyze it?
I would suspect that most of us could just enjoy what we have and not over analyze it.. If in the beginning of evelution men were the nester and gatherers and women were the hunters and protectors.

In otherwords (in most cases) it's not in our inherent nature.. I see the trend changing though.. more and more women are going against their nature and accepting less from "the protector." Give us another 100 years or so and we may be just as happy to accept sexual gratification without getting fully attached... all of us men and women living a life of the "zipless" fvck.
 blonde chickie
Joined: 11/3/2005
Msg: 46
Am I Being Played?
Posted: 12/17/2008 7:50:40 AM
For sure this is a rebound relationship. Your totaly being played OP
 GeneralizingNow
Joined: 10/10/2007
Msg: 50
Am I Being Played?
Posted: 12/17/2008 10:12:16 AM
I'm changing my answer--I still don't think you're being played, but I don't like this man. This guy started out an azzhat, and just because he says he's an azzhat doesn't mean he gets to BE an azzhat.

He may be "honest" about not wanting a relationship, but he is a dishonorable human being for involving someone else in his life when he doesn't want any involvement in his life. Selfish azzhat.
 sydneyleigh
Joined: 3/21/2008
Msg: 52
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Am I Being Played?
Posted: 12/17/2008 3:06:04 PM

That is typical thinking to justify bad behaviour these days. As long as the other person is aware, then it is ok.


Why is his behavior bad? because it isn't the behavior she wants?
If that's the case, she is perfectly capable of finding another relationship.

He told her he didn't want a relationship.
She always calls him, she TAUGHT him from the beginning that he didn't need to call, because she did the calling.

We teach people how to treat us.
If she wants him to call, then she has to a) tell him and b) stop making all the calls.

It's not his fault she wants more.
She picked a man she knew was emotionally unavailable for a relationship.
sheesh, we girls really should own our sh1t.

sydney
 Wishes Granted
Joined: 3/6/2008
Msg: 53
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Am I Being Played?
Posted: 12/17/2008 3:18:19 PM

I am going to try to go with the flow and not over analyze everything, knowing that he is being honest with me about what his needs are right now. I will continue to date other people (although the dating scene sucks) and not put all of my eggs in one basket and continue fishing while having fun. I am going to try to keep my feelings in check - does anyone have any suggestions on how to do that???????
Well my fellow dater.. You talk the talk.. but you will definitely be unable to walk the walk. Know why? Cause your feelings are already with this man. Its always too late after you've already fallen. One has to GO INTO the relationship with their emotions in-check, with men who won't/can't or are unable for whatever reason to give you more .. not after you're already invested.. To bad they don't/won't/can't tell this to us once we both realize we're attracted physically and that "happy pants" will most likely be ensuing.. then we may have a better chance of screwing with indifference.

Of course .. I'm seeing that this guy was honest, but he also knows that it's already too late for you to keep your emotions in check ~ and that is where he is taking advantage of you. he's set it up so he can get your passion AND emotion which is the best kind of sex ~ plus he has the added advantage (to him) of no strings attached (him=) (you=)

You're afraid of never seeing him again ..(we all understand this) that's why you're trying to adjust the very essence of who you are for this man. Remember my hug when it all comes tumbling down on you .. You're going to need it.
In any event: Good luck trying to cope with being indifferent to your own feelings..


Thanks to my POF friends for caring - your responses are greatly appreciated!
Unfortunately it appears that you haven't LISTENED to what most of us have said.. but you're welcome.. It seems you are going to have to experience what we're talking about before this lesson is learned.. which, of course is human nature.
 cfb62
Joined: 9/17/2007
Msg: 57
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Am I Being Played?
Posted: 12/19/2008 10:52:39 AM
Neither of you are in any postion right now to do anything but relax, not take life too seriously and certainly not be making future plans with another person.
 Wishes Granted
Joined: 3/6/2008
Msg: 58
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Am I Being Played?
Posted: 12/19/2008 10:53:44 AM

If I weren't in a relationship, and met a woman, and we agreed, for example, that we were just going to be f*** buddies, and on that basis, she started sleeping with me now and then. How would I be the "bad guy" later, if she decided she wanted more, and I said "no, I don't want a relationship. I am willing to continue as we've been, but if you want more, it will have to be with someone else"?
Rarely, very rarely do most people give this type of straight-forward, black and white choice. Usually that black and white conversation doesn't take place... If it did, there would be far less heart ache and for those that go ahead and indulge in the carnel only..they would be prepared to guard the emotional if they were given such a black and white option.
If after such a conversation, one or the others feelings still sneek through.. then the conversation has to be re-evaluated to see if both have let feelings sneek in or not. Many people are unable to voice whats on thier minds for some reason or another.

Further.. in these NSA, quasi relationships.. one person always has the upper hand e.g. where, how and when the meet-ups occur.. which eventually forms various degrees of resentment when the one in "control" refuses to discuss the situation while giving the other party (probably unintenionally) mixed signals.
Thats what the problem is.

In Op's case..he is the one in complete control: e.g. she calls him.. he returns the call when it's convenient to Him (sometimes DAYS later. This is building a resentment up in her because he's not there for her when She needs/wants him.. he only comes around when it's best suited for Him. Of course, he only told her he wasn't ready for anything serious.. after he had her wrapped up and tied with a bow.. then it was revealed Now, It's completely possible that he did want something serious but as time went on.. he realized that she wasn't someone he wanted a commitment with.. that's fair. What isn't fair is that knowing this.. he still goes for the "benefits" knowing full well her head and heart were not capable of NSA... not with this particular guy anyway.
 GeneralizingNow
Joined: 10/10/2007
Msg: 60
Am I Being Played?
Posted: 12/19/2008 11:00:04 AM
Even if you were to have the convo establishing the parameters of your relationship, by the time the person got around to saying "I'm all into the fu8k buddy thing", you've already met and decided you liked each other. What I am saying is DO NOT INVOLVE SOMEONE ELSE AT ALL if you are not wanting involvement. I'm saying that you are selfish to be in the fwck buddy situation in the first place.

As I stated the first time, yes, he is being honest, but, no, he is not being an honorable human being. He is being a user, fulfilling his needs at her expense. I'm not saying she's not an aware participant, I'm saying he brought HIS parameters into the game a little late, and now she's between a rock and hard place. In a relationship it is NEVER supposed to be what ONE person wants, it's what BOTH want. Too many people cut and run because they're not getting EXACTLY what they outlined, and I'm saying this is an unrealistic expectation. Too many people get into these situations and then wonder why things changed. They CHANGE because emotions change, people change, situations change. Shouldn't the rules ALSO be adjusted?
 Wishes Granted
Joined: 3/6/2008
Msg: 62
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Am I Being Played?
Posted: 12/19/2008 12:12:49 PM
^^^ read msg 68 again.. He IS NOT playing her.. she is breaking her own heart.. with that I agree. However; him knowing she is in love with him.. the honourable thing to do would be to let her go if he doesn't want a full on with her.. He has to know that he's hurting her.. do you understand??? She was vulnerable .. she's even more vulnerable now. Sometimes people are the conductor of their own misery and NEED closure to come from the other party... It's difficult to give up on someone you're in love with whether it's because of co-dependency, enabling, low self-worth, not brave enough to face never seeing them again.. whatever the reason.. Op's guy knows he's taking advantage of her weak will and that's why he waits for her to initiate.. so he can go to her guilt free.. he'll most likely do this until he replaces her with someone that makes him feel less guilty or until she attempts to manuever more time with him.

It seemed to me that it was understood, from the beginning, that it wasn't a romantic relationship. It seems he didn't pursue her, but when she pursued him for a sexual meeting, he agreed.
No.. He went full on without discussion until they got hot and heavy and then he dropped the "I don't want a relationship" bomb on her. No NSA discussion took place up until that point... only after her (possibly his) emotions started to surface.

 Wishes Granted
Joined: 3/6/2008
Msg: 65
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Am I Being Played?
Posted: 12/19/2008 2:06:25 PM

Did I walk through the looking glass, and am now trying to have a conversation in Wonderland?

I agreed with her post up until she related it to kicking someone in the shins.. but with the above comment..you're just refusing to see the gist of what she and others have been trying to say.. which of course is your MO in the forums when it comes to these types of threads... You will never see.
 idahosun
Joined: 4/26/2006
Msg: 70
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Am I Being Played?
Posted: 12/19/2008 6:59:02 PM
Hello, this is not about an adult man and woman just "having sex", it is about the fact that she wants more than just a booty call and has feelings for the guy who has "kicked her in the shins". But, yes, she allowed and apparently continues to allow him to disrespect her...so game plan changes are now in order, I seriously doubt that will work. She has already allowed him to set the rules and she plays by them. It is a sad situation but only she has the power to stop the game.
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