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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Difference Between Whats Right and Whats Expected      Home login  
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 Onceuponatime61
Joined: 10/10/2008
Msg: 2
Difference Between Whats Right and Whats ExpectedPage 1 of 2    (1, 2)
Yes I think she could have atleast went and got a part time job and tried to help clean house. Maybe she's an internet addict !
 sydneyleigh
Joined: 3/21/2008
Msg: 4
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Difference Between Whats Right and Whats Expected
Posted: 12/18/2008 10:33:35 AM
"never" is a strong word.

It does sound like she didn't feel the need to do anything around the house.
However, it isn't a question of "am I right, and her wrong" - expectations are assumptions people make about those around them.

If the person in question doesn't know you have a particular timetable (or expectation) of when something should be done, you need to COMMUNICATE that expectation.

Otherwise, the person in question is a victim of an unknown timetable, and constantly subjected to your disappointment (or punishment, depending on how you express the fact that your expectations are not met)

I have been on both sides of this equation. Usually the conversation starts with "why haven't you done... (insert mundane chore here)" - which is not really the best method to GET SOMEONE TO DO SOMETHING YOU WANT THEM TO DO.

I learned this the hard way. If you are living with a person, talk to them about divying up the chores, and how you like your house kept. They may have a different perspective.

And remember, just because you have a "way to do things" doesn't mean its always the "only way to do things".

sydney
 Vannili
Joined: 7/8/2008
Msg: 6
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Difference Between Whats Right and Whats Expected
Posted: 12/18/2008 3:41:34 PM
I am glad she is your ex now.Contribution to the relationship is 50/50 housechore/expenses.My late husband won't let me work, I treat him like a king I even remove his shoes ,serve him gourmet dinner, massage him ,keep the house clean iron his clothes even lay his clothes in the morning while he was taking a shower,shine his shoes. That is a asian way ,what is so funny if we girl friends visiting each other we are in a hurry to get home to cook and greet our husbands. When I become americanizes ,I insist to work and help him pay bills, I don't do any more of these,shining his shoes, removing his shoes from his feet and preparing his clothes in the morning, my reason is I am paying the bills too.. I still did the housechore and cooking tho and I took care of him until he passed away.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 7
Difference Between Whats Right and Whats Expected
Posted: 12/18/2008 3:52:33 PM
have known some guys that couldn't work for various reasons and the women were the bread winners, but yet the guys still wouldn't help out around the house because that was woman's work.

Which is why to me there's no reason for that person to even be there. If you're paying all the bills, and cooking and cleaning, all the other person is doing is getting under your feet/creating more of a mess for you to clean. Living alone would actually create LESS stress and probably lower bills to pay - so naturally, that'd be my choice. You're better off living separarely and doing a sleepover occasionally.
 saggy ass and saggy tits
Joined: 5/22/2008
Msg: 8
Difference Between Whats Right and Whats Expected
Posted: 12/18/2008 5:02:48 PM
why cant i find a man like that?
 YingKissesYang
Joined: 5/12/2005
Msg: 9
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Difference Between Whats Right and Whats Expected
Posted: 12/19/2008 10:11:57 AM
"""if the person in question doesn't know you have a particular timetable (or expectation) of when something should be done, you need to COMMUNICATE that expectation.

Otherwise, the person in question is a victim of an unknown timetable, and constantly subjected to your disappointment (or punishment, depending on how you express the fact that your expectations are not met)"""

This is an interesting point about an obvious example. Yes, you are right, I feel "victim" of that. You are with someone who says 2-3 times a day "I love you" and you get birthday cards, and sex once a week, and hold hands...but when you ask them "what do you really want" or "what are your expectations" or "how can we have a better relationship", you don't get an answer. Perhaps they do wish to communicate a helpful reply, BUT CAN'T!

Or they think a "cliche" such as "I want us to be happy" , or "I want to do things and hang out" is the same as a real answer.

However, I don't know if this would have helped the OP or his ex.

NEXT TIME CHOOSE CAREFULLY PEOPLE. Especially if you move in!
 Twilightslove
Joined: 12/9/2008
Msg: 10
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Difference Between Whats Right and Whats Expected
Posted: 12/19/2008 10:28:58 AM
It sounds like she had issues with a past relationship or perhaps from childhood that she needed to deal with before she got into a relationship with you.

Some people never get over those behaviors and traits and others realize what they were doing to cause such problems then change accordingly. That isn't to say that she will ever be quite the little housewife that you expected but that she may resolve her stubborn resolve to not do something because someone else expects her to.

She could also be depressed and feel inadequate. I notice young adults who live together fighting over trivial things like whose turn it is to take out the trash.....lol. I think as we age we start to recognize how trivial those things really were but it does take growth on both parts to really see.

To live is to continue to grow and perhaps she will grow from this experience.
 sydneyleigh
Joined: 3/21/2008
Msg: 12
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Difference Between Whats Right and Whats Expected
Posted: 12/25/2008 9:48:29 AM

Perhaps they do wish to communicate a helpful reply, BUT CAN'T!


I agree Oly, I have been subjected to similar vague cliches - but the only thing you can do in that instance is control your own behavior - ie. choose to stay, and see what happens, or choose to exit.

We have to do what is best for US in the long run. Because no one cares about your interests/feelings/life as much as you do.

sydney
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