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Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > Catch 22      Home login  
Joined: 6/16/2008
Msg: 10
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Catch 22Page 1 of 2    (1, 2)
I think it is time for you to go to an old fashion match maker.
They do work. You lay out who you are, what you want and what you are looking for and pay them $. And they provide the introductions to women who fit most closely what you are looking for.

The 2nd choice is to go to therapist and be up front that you may be puting unconcious road blocks in you way to getting into the type of relationship you want. NLP therapist specializes in short term directed focus work. 4-5 sessions may be all you need to undo the sabotage.

Good Luck You are a very attractive man.
Joined: 11/24/2007
Msg: 16
Catch 22
Posted: 1/1/2009 4:00:03 AM

When I like a girl she s not into me and the girls who like me I am not into. How do I get out of it?

Look at what the guys who get the girls you're into are doing, and copy them.

In my experience, attractive girls are always being hit on, and thus, are difficult to get. For me, the effort involved simply isn't worth the reward, which you have a slim chance of ever getting.
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 19
Catch 22
Posted: 1/1/2009 2:00:00 PM
You may want to ask yourself whether you're less-turned-on when you blatantly see that a girl likes you. I know, it's a girl thing, right? Well, it can be a guy thing too, when you've been 'dissed by girls after THEY see your interest in them. The frustrating situations of girls losing interest are the key points in your mind, so when you see a girl who IS clearly interested, it's different. Congrats, you're also on the side of the table of the girls who've 'dissed -you-.

People lose-interest-after-seeing-interest, I believe, due to many people in the past who have dropped them. Those people still stick in their mind -- ya tend to see them as a higher-order because it was a pass you weren't quite good enough to catch. After experiencing this too many times, when you do go out with a gal who shows clear interest in you:
1. The opposite of the girl you've chased (ie not as good, subconsciously - feeling of settling for someone)
2. Due to #1, their flaws stick out. When you're chasing a gal who seems to lack interest, almost all her flaws are meaningless to you
3. The game's basically over. Mission Accomplished. You've got her interest, she's in the bag. That's it? Now what? Well, you're seeing if you could do better... and due to #1 & #2, you won't.

You won't notice this so readily. It's fruitfully subconscious. It may sound bold and "oh no, that' s not me", but I think it's a natural course for some people who've been 'dissed a lot or are really picky.

Exceptions: You had a crush on her beforehand, she is clearly out of your league, or her personality is THE personality of your dreams coupled with great looks.

I agree with what someone else wrote -- going out and hunting/pursuing relationships is about the dumbest thing in the world to do. It's desperation, or in the very least, stupid play calling advised by your grandmother who wants to see some great-grandkids before she kicks the bucket. :) You don't chase concepts like that... it's like throwing for 30-40 yards on every down. You'll end up frustrated, because you're not interested in -developing- a relationship... your only focus is on already being IN one, and experiencing the "honey I'm home" situation. Instead, one should be interested in making themselves available and -ready- to be in a relationship. You move the chains (progression) -naturally- with girls and only girls you're interested in and aren't into just flings (ie non-rebounds). The focal point is not "be in relationship, be in relationship" -- being in one happens naturally when you both are genuinely interested in each other, bottom line.
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 21
Catch 22
Posted: 1/2/2009 10:19:53 AM

I don't see how my presumption (about people in general, not discluding you) does not apply, though. Your example is something that fits, IMO! :)

First, you FELL IN LOVE with a girl before you could try and land a 3rd date? You using those words so fluidly draws something out. It's easy to play it more cool in the beginning, I know... girls will seem to show more interest in you, but as you say, you were very into her. She showed her enthusiasm in the very very beginning, and I'm not saying that's going to push you away, because at the time of the beginning, you fit the exception -- you were really into her (crush; not in love). In the beginning before/during/right after the 1st date, if there's a good amount of mutual interest shared, damage won't happen quite so readily.

I wasn't there, so I can't pass any affirmative judgment on the situation.. but in general, sounds like you played it cool early, she had enthusiasm, by the 2nd date (still VERY early), you showed more than mere interest, and then she realized "No chase anymore; Got him in the bag" and then your flaws enlarged under the microscope, and you weren't a catch, but an option. All butterflies lost, see ya later.

Just because a lady's interest was big in the beginning, does not mean it's going to stay like that day-to-day, during the pre-"dating" phase (ie until considered a couple). You got a little ahead of yourself in terms of expectations, allowed your feelings to come out -- or not reading her lulling interest and not reciprocating that... and she realized she had you in the bag so early, thus, she lost interest.

My presumption about people would be like this:
Guy feels he's gotten dissed many times before when showing too much interest in women.
Guy suppresses emotions early on with new girl he's hot for
Girl in proving-herself mode, takes interest in guy
Guy thinks she REALLY digs him, then shows he really digs her, despite it still being early
Girl loses interest in guy, as she liked him but it wasn't as solidified as she expressed; he's now just an option at best
Guy chases girl; just like his crush, won't see her flaws ("So you're saying I've got a chance!" - Dumb and Dumber)
(Doesn't always play out that way; more common when girl is out of guy's league or vice versa with gender reversal)

Guy feels he's gotten dissed many times before when showing too much interest in women.
Guy doesn't have to suppress too much emotion early on with new girl; she's in worthy-mode; no crush or too much excitement tho
Girl in proving-herself mode, takes interest in guy
Guy sees that, but no kinked enthusiasm to release except maybe luke-warm interest at most
Girl really digs guy and it really shows strong
Guy realizes he has her in the bag. Now what? Her flaws show through, and she's not a huge catch. A real catch is the hotties he's been hot after before -- and there's only mild interest in her.
Guy loses interest in girl

Again, everything doesn't play out exactly that way, but pointing out a trend that tends to affect a lot of people.

In Case 1, if the guy read a lull in interest and did something like razz her (cocky/funny), or just didn't show much interest in her (impression felt that she's given a chance; not that he's blessed to go out with her), then it could have extended into her feeling like the guy's a real catch -- thus, she won't spend any time pondering any potential flaws or other guys. Remember, many girls see more than 1 guy in the pre-dating phase. A guy who shows apathetic interest in her, and is great on paper is one she'll chase, rather than a guy who's just fine on paper and has solid interest in her. Statistically speaking, of course. :)

In Case 2, if the girl showed a loss of interest, the guy would consider her again. Her stock price would raise. Much like Case 1.
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 24
Catch 22
Posted: 1/3/2009 12:38:30 PM

I wanted to say that the example from my experience showed that an expression of interest can lead to the increase of interest of the other side and not always to the decrease.

Sure, it can -temporarily-, but from your example, it can come back to bite you if you don't know how to properly handle it. I agree, you do need to show that, yes, you're interested in the girl. I'm not talking about playing any wild games here. Showing that you're interested is one thing... and that's fine, but it depends on how you do it. But a huge "rookie" mistake is when you see mutual interest, and she's REALLY into you, you crank up the heat on showing your interest -- that backfired. Classic mistake.

The guy showed his interest to her many times and was rejected, but he was persistent and in the end she said yes. Another example is my uncle who was many times as well dissed out but in the end he married my aunt.

Hey, nothing's absolute. One guy's romantic story of persistence can be another guy's story of being arrested for allegedly stalking ;) You can hear stories of guys doing really stupid things that we'd all agree were stupid, but end up with the girl -- doesn't mean it's the right thing. Persistence can be good, in a sense -- but not asking out over and over again -- 95/100 times, she won't have any renewed interest... which is why you remember those stories, right? They're UNCOMMON.

Regarding me using the expression fell in love we were in touch by emails, chat and messages for a month before the 2 dates as well as in between.

You don't fall in real love or anything close to it with a WOMAN via email/chat. It's psuedo-love, or better put, a crush on the visualization of a woman. You have to know them first -- maybe that was a big reason why it fell apart. Having a pen-pal relationship w/ feelings and all that for too long before ACTUALLY meeting is playing with fire, bigtime. I'm sure you have a 2nd cousin or something that will tell a story how it was all grand -- but a majority of the time, it will end up fizzling out if emotions are high and established before even meeting.

The same story which I described (the latest) shows otherwise - after we exchanged a couple of messages when three months passed I told her I m pissed off by her playing games of hard to get and suggested we just carry on with our lives. Hasn t resulted in a renewal of interest.

Dude, that's 3 months! First, it'd be insane to try for renewed interest after 3 months of a gal 'dissing you, if that was your purpose (not implying it was). Second, I was referring to WHILE you're still going out on those dates and in communication BEFORE it fizzles out. You read their interest waning, you wane your interest and/or do other things to leave her with the impression of "this guy isn't crazy about me; he's still deciding if I'm worth it". Wasn't talking about trying to win a girl (you never really had) after 3 months since your 2nd and last date.
Joined: 10/1/2008
Msg: 26
Catch 22
Posted: 3/11/2009 8:14:55 PM
How soon do you act interested? If someone is telling me I am too needy then I must be crowding them. Not cool.

Be a little more relaxed next time you like someone. Don't email her every day and ask her if she feels the way you do and if she likes you (I have a feeling you probably do this).

And as for girls you are not into, who cares why you aren't into them? That's life.
Joined: 11/27/2007
Msg: 27
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Catch 22
Posted: 6/17/2009 2:58:03 PM
YOUR PROFILE STATES THIS..................
I m a MComm student from South-Eastern Europe (don t call me WOG).
Will be around the neighborhood for a while as I m fond of the idea of becoming an owner of the small dark-blue fair dinkum membership card .
Don t watch sports nor cheer, prefer to be active myself (running, swimming). I m a veggie, so please no BBQs invitations.
I would love to learn to surf so if you re into it or just interested let me know.
PS I am preferably looking for an Asian girl, ideally a Buddhist Japanese/Korean 20-33.
I am an older mature woman and I have read all the posts and all the questions along with a multitude of answers ....I have copied and pasted your profile above now look how you have limited yourself by putting guidelines to your profile that a girl must adhere to for you to be interested in her ... if I was your age I would pass that profile up thinking Wow this guy wants exactly what he wants and would go on to the next profile. Try keeping an open mind, does the girl HAVE to be Asian? does the girl HAVE to be a Buddhist? (are you one) does the girl HAVE to be Japanese/Korean, does the girl HAVE to be 20-33. Next NO BBQs, NO watching sports, and last but not least what the heck is a WOG. LOL Okay you have had all the perspectives from the younger generation now you have some insight from a Grandma who has been around the block a few times. AND dont say that I am too old to understand as I have been there done that many times. You have to keep an open mind and not go around feeling like the world is against you. Look at the young lady as a fresh flower and learn to smell the rose dont kill it before you have taken time to smell it and learned of its hidden beauty. Just dont limit yourself with all the don'ts it makes you come off as the "The Perfect Man" and believe there aren't any out there , no one is even me ha ha Seriously now good luck and go out there and find you a sweetie
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