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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Why so many advice to move on when the relationship may be workable?      Home login  
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 Alabamamam
Joined: 4/8/2008
Msg: 1
Why so many advice to move on when the relationship may be workable?Page 1 of 2    (1, 2)
**** Sorry for my English. I am ESL
There are indeed obvious situations related to abuse/addictions/infedelity and some similar matters when it is the best for a person;s interest to stop the relationship.
I have noticed when someone posts about their relationship comlications (and we all have them) many suggest to move on and run even if it is not that major. Why?

Most of us probably would relate that it is not easy to launch a satisfying dating/relationship situation.

I am surprised how many would advise to move on and run in situations that indeed may have a potential and I wonder why?

Example: She still talks to her ex somtimes. Advise: she is not over him you better move on.
Example: He usually never answers the phone. Advise: He is married or in relationship. Run.
Example: We dated for 2 months and he went to see he family for X-mas but never invited me to meet his parents. Advise: You are FWB and he is using you for sex run!
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 2
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Why so many advice to move on when the relationship may be workable?
Posted: 12/29/2008 5:30:59 PM
The jumping to conclusions/blame game does make some feel better but my advise usually hinges on the fact that the person is not happy in the relationship, not happy with how they are being treated, etc., they are so unhappy they join dating sites and other message boards and ask others' opinions. I'd say when the relationships has hit that big a sand barge then it's probably over. Otherwise they'd be talking to their partner, not joining a dating site looking for others to bash their awful partners.

Look at most the questions, they are pretty much a duh, and a given. It's rare that somebody is really looking for advise, but just in case, I think most posters do offer what they see as the best advice, whether we agree with each other or not.
 yourstillhere
Joined: 7/30/2008
Msg: 3
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Why so many advice to move on when the relationship may be workable?
Posted: 12/29/2008 5:34:33 PM
People sometimes give the quick and dirty because they are harboring resentments towards an ex for their perceived mistreatment, harboring a resentment towards themselves for letting it happen therefore practicing the drills by saying "get rid of him/her" until they have it engrained and are reprogrammed never to let it happen again, and there are some angry people out there who just dont want to see others happy.
There are also people who dont want to see you succeed where they themselves have failed.
Some just think its funny.
Sometimes, it is.
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 4
Why so many advice to move on when the relationship may be workable?
Posted: 12/29/2008 5:36:34 PM
Most of the time, by continuing in the situation you continue the abuse, the being used, used as a doormat, not into you, over you, tired of you, maybe it will work if you change, she will change. And people here have one thing in common. We may not hold the cards to the perfect relationship, but we know what have not work, will not work, and the odds are against you that it will work.

So go for it. My gf and I split three times before we finally committed to each other, in the forums, they would have told her to stay away from me because of being a commitment phobe, does not open easily, many others. And they would have told me the same thing, run, if I had explained in detailed what happened. Of course they would have also grilled me as well. But that goes without saying about the forums.

So take everything with a grain of salt. And believe me, the advice is actually pretty good even when not in the money.
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 5
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Why so many advice to move on when the relationship may be workable?
Posted: 12/29/2008 6:22:52 PM
What can we learn from this?


You can learn that this is a dating site, a place for those looking to meet someone to date, it's not a marriage counseling message board You are going to get advice from those who are single, or cheating or beating the hell out of a dead relationship...you will find very few in good solid relationships just here to give good stable relationship advice to those who are on a dating site looking to fix their relationships that are so wonderful...they are on a dating site.

There are a plethora of message boards, I have to say if I was happily married and looking to talk to others who are married/in long term relationships and exchange advice and stories...I would not have chosen a dating site.

Oh and why are so many in relationships that just won't work, either they like all the drama and tears and crying on message-board members' shoulders, or they aren't willing to move on and see that they are the reason they are in a bad place because they can choose to move on and find someone more suitable to them if they really wanted to. No, they like whining on message boards and message board members like reading it and giving opinions. This isn't rocket science, it's a message board on a dating site. If you have real problems and want real solutions, get professional help.
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 6
Why so many advice to move on when the relationship may be workable?
Posted: 12/29/2008 6:35:16 PM
~OP~ Great point. There are obvious threads which render no apparent option other than a swift and hopefully painless break up ~ but there are a LOT of miserable, lonely, angry and disgruntled people who have tired of the whole "relationship" "meeting/dating" scene. I guess the only way around that stuff is to do what I do ~ make the Negative Neds/Nellies blank white boxes. I don't read posts if I see negativity screaming through. Just like misogamy and misandry ~ blech. I don't think this is a venue that I would ask for advice. It's always the same old stuff and it's usually "s/he's just not that into you" or "she's a gold digger" or "he just wants sex." You just have to take what you think is valuable and leave the rest. Good luck OP. JMO
 aliveone1
Joined: 9/4/2008
Msg: 7
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Why so many advice to move on when the relationship may be workable?
Posted: 12/29/2008 6:57:05 PM
What daynadaze said. Right on daynadaze!

Or either that, or the person asking the question has only been in the relationship for a few months. My mother always told me that, "if it isn't good in the beginning, get out, because the longer you're together, the worse it's gonna get!". (My parents just celebrated their 54th anniversary.) LOL
 sydneyleigh
Joined: 3/21/2008
Msg: 8
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Why so many advice to move on when the relationship may be workable?
Posted: 12/29/2008 7:11:09 PM
i dunno folks.

Many of the "cut and run" posts are from folks who have had 20-30 years of experience in relationships, and we know what is worth fighting for, and what is in need of a good swirly.

I'll be the first to say work it out when the gripe is minor. But the honesty to most of the posts is... if you are posting here, and you say "should I leave" - you probably should... no matter what our opinion is on the subject.

I have to say though, that most of the posts I see are relationship morbidity and mortality reviews... there's no there THERE to save. It's all post-mortem.

sydney
 TryAgan
Joined: 4/4/2008
Msg: 9
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Why so many advice to move on when the relationship may be workable?
Posted: 12/29/2008 7:34:40 PM
If were to start a new business and asked ten of your friends for advice, most of them would try to talk you out of it. Most likely, they don't know too much about it or they suffered a bad experience.

You have to ask someone who knows the business and who succeeded in it.
 sydneyleigh
Joined: 3/21/2008
Msg: 10
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Why so many advice to move on when the relationship may be workable?
Posted: 12/29/2008 8:32:40 PM

You have to ask someone who knows the business and who succeeded in it.


but is everyone who is on a dating site a "failure" at relationships? there are those of us who are widowed... their relationships didn't fail, their partners died... they might just know what a good relationship is supposed to look like.

there are those like me, who have had good relationships, and bad ones... and can certainly see the signs on either side.

Success doesn't mean forever, always.

sydney
 DesertLioness
Joined: 8/2/2006
Msg: 11
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Why so many advice to move on when the relationship may be workable?
Posted: 12/29/2008 10:36:39 PM
You said it in your post, that there are some situations where it's a given that the relationship needs to end, often for safety purposes. Then there are those gray areas. Some people look for what they consider to be the quickest and simplest solution to distress, and those are the ones who are most likely to say "RUN!" But you know, there are those posts where the OP describes a situation tantamount to that person dragging a corpse (the relationship) into a room, dropping it on the floor and asking "Should I do CPR on this?" If that's the sense I get, I'm going to tell the OP to just give it a proper burial.
 Alabamamam
Joined: 4/8/2008
Msg: 12
Why so many advice to move on when the relationship may be workable?
Posted: 12/31/2008 5:14:31 PM
Interesting thoughts folks....
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 13
Why so many advice to move on when the relationship may be workable?
Posted: 12/31/2008 7:51:21 PM
1) someone who comes to a dating site, is probably checking to see if they can get something better. Thus, their asking a question is really just a seeking of permission, to go ahead and break things up....unless they can't get another partner. Then they'll stick around to avoid lonliness.

2) We get only their side of the story

3)we tend to get our own buttons pushed, and respond with advice we should have taken ourself...when we were in the same situation.

4)but sometimes....we are right. People who tend towards drama, attract...well, the right person to create drama in their lives.
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