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Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 2
Ever heard the saying....Page 1 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
There are exceptions to all rules.

The thing to keep in mind about cheating--it never occurs in a vacuum. Its not like the opportunity itself ever drives someone to do it. There is always a REASON why one cheats. Unless you live in a cabin on a mountainside with no one else but your partner around (and no sheep, either), the opportunity is always out takes the cheater to pursue it.

Sometimes, a person cheats only once, b/c they make a mistake in relationship choice only once. But, typically, we keep making relationship choice mistakes, until we decide finally to change what we want out of our relationships, and finally pursue a healthy relationship. And that usually occurs once we become healthy...and thus do not need to cheat.
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 5
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Ever heard the saying....
Posted: 1/7/2009 7:22:13 AM
Some people learn from their mistakes, others rationalize them.

I suspect once someone has done the thought process around cheating... the decision to do it and the moral justification to rationalize it afterwards... it would be easier for them to do it again. Not quite as big of a leap the 2nd time as it was the first time.

BUT... if they thought it was wrong and were rather horrified with themselves and the agony they caused other people... I would be inclined to feel they would not repeat their mistakes.
Joined: 12/18/2007
Msg: 9
Ever heard the saying....
Posted: 1/7/2009 7:47:20 AM
Yes, once a cheater always a cheater. My Ex provided statical data to back that up. He cheated on me, then cheated on the person he cheated on me with and ended up cheating on that person as well....

After watching my marriage dissolve due to this and the things that were said in counseling, I think some people are compulsive cheaters. Its the thrill of doing it like people who steal.... The high is getting away with it.
Joined: 4/21/2007
Msg: 11
Ever heard the saying....
Posted: 1/7/2009 8:34:29 AM
I think it's often true, but I don't think it's true across the board.
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 12
Ever heard the saying....
Posted: 1/7/2009 8:45:41 AM

heh, this just came up on another thread where OutMind intelligently & insightfully pointed out:

There are two types of cheaters. There are the ones that cheat because their relationship sucks and this is a way to precipitate the unbeatable end. And there are those that cheat because they will always cheat. Even when they move with the other woman, such person, then will find someone else to cheat with.

i agree. not just theoretically but from personal experience.

Sable, I was just about to say something when I rant across the above. Hehehe.

I take it as a complement.
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 19
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Ever heard the saying....
Posted: 1/7/2009 12:08:34 PM
If you had done a search you would have found a plethora of posts about this subject...but here goes.

No, not everyone who cheats will cheat again, cheaters cheat and like it but some people make a mistake and learn from it if they find they don't like their behavior. Even people who have cheated on everyone before, can and do find that certain someone and they never cheat again. Not something I'd count on, but it happens. Cheaters cheat because they want to, people cry often when caught because people fall or it, liars lie because they want to mislead you. Every once in a while something just falls into place and cheating happens that won't be repeated, again, I wouldn't count on that because for the most part cheating takes time, effort and planning, and a willing partner, so the likelihood of that all coming together without a hitch is about nil, cheating is something a person does on purpose and wanted to do it.

Most sayings are generalizations that most times make an assumption, one size has never fit all and never will. I think we know when we generalize that we are going to wrong as often as we are right, but some people live by generalizations, seems to be their comfort zone.
Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 20
Ever heard the saying....
Posted: 1/7/2009 12:24:30 PM
I don't believe in the saying that once you're a cheater you're always a cheater, anymore than if you once smoked you'll always sneak one, or if you once were a meat eater and changed to a strict vegetarian diet that you're going to sneak off for a steak - it's all a conscious choice. I'd wager to say that the majority of posters have been cheated on in one way shape or form. With the mindset that you'd never go out with someone who had admitted to cheating in the past, maybe that's why there are so many complaints about slim pickings for finding a relationship.
Joined: 8/2/2008
Msg: 21
Ever heard the saying....
Posted: 1/7/2009 12:57:16 PM
Sure, people are capable of change, but who wants to gamble that they have found the ~1% that have learned from their past cheating experiences. For that reason, I wouldnt knowlingly get involved with a cheater. POF....or so they say.
Joined: 8/27/2008
Msg: 27
Ever heard the saying....
Posted: 1/7/2009 5:13:29 PM
"Once a redundant poster, always a redundant poster."

"Once a poorly defined label, always a poorly-defining labeler."

Can't we just admit that the Puritans never died off?
 Happily Ever...maybe
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 33
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Ever heard the saying....
Posted: 1/7/2009 11:42:03 PM
I'm another one you can count as an exception to this so called "rule". When I was 25 I had been living with a woman for about 7 or 8 months. She worked days, I worked nights and we were having problems, but of course none of that excuses what I did. I ran into an old flame one day, one thing led to another and we ended up sleeping together that once. Afterwards, I was ashamed of myself and felt like a heel. I never did tell my GF, no sense burdening her because I felt bad; in fact, out of guilt I treated her even better than normal for quite a while. But I never did get over the feeling of what I had done, and I vowed to myself that I would never do something so stupid and selfish ever again. The GF and I broke up a few months later, without her ever knowing. And while I've had some temptation thrown my way over the years when I've been involved, I've never even thought about giving in to it. I figure that's a mistake you only need to make once to really learn your lesson. So much for the old saying, at least as it applies to me.
Joined: 11/26/2008
Msg: 38
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Ever heard the saying....
Posted: 1/8/2009 7:02:27 PM
Yep! My first husband is incapable of remaining faithful to anyone that does not police his every movement! I was wife #1, although I later found out that he was actually living with someone else when we met. He has been married at least 6 times, and I could not even begin to count the shackups between marriages!

He is in love with being in love, but not with being committed for the long haul!
Joined: 11/20/2007
Msg: 39
Ever heard the saying....
Posted: 1/8/2009 7:19:45 PM

Btw, in another thread on a similar subject, someone stated it isn't cheating if both parties are aware of all 'other' activities. I agree with that too.

What? So if your spouse cheats, but tells you about it, it isn't cheating? Yes it is still cheating. If you both agree it is ok to have sex with other people, then it isn't cheating.

I don't understand cheating, there is no reason to cheat. I don't even remotely understand how it even crosses a person's mind.
Joined: 3/9/2008
Msg: 42
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Ever heard the saying....
Posted: 1/9/2009 8:16:15 PM
Cheaters and liars get lots of action, though. So isn't that a good thing? Aren't we all attracted to bad girls/boys?
Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 44
Ever heard the saying....
Posted: 1/9/2009 11:32:01 PM
I'm actually surprised that this isn't a redundant topic.

I would have expected to see the tattle-tale patrol in here by now.

I'm a lil miffed at the "look it up and see if this has been a thread before" statements. Just because something's been a topic in 2007 with posters who are no longer here (if they've had any luck fishing), why can't we refresh a topic with the new bait and fisher persons? ie. delete the old threads and make them new again. Anyone who's way old here can skip it if it they've heard it all before.
Joined: 7/5/2008
Msg: 48
Ever heard the saying....
Posted: 1/10/2009 3:56:09 PM
I disagree. I've cheated numerous times playing video games but I've never cheated on my tax return.

Joined: 1/3/2009
Msg: 50
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Ever heard the saying....
Posted: 1/30/2009 10:40:34 PM
Putting it another way...."A leopard doesn't change it's spots." If you were able to allow it to happen once, even if you did regret it later, I think you would find it even easier if you found yourself in those same circumstances again.
 hurricane hanna
Joined: 9/4/2008
Msg: 51
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Ever heard the saying....
Posted: 1/31/2009 3:58:28 AM
SOME people are capable of changing. Sadly, many are not.

Quite a few people simply can't stick with a relationship. They just aren't made that way. When things get difficult, when they don't get their way, when the first rush of newness wears off, when the person turns out not to be a slave or perfect.....whatever the excuse might be, some people just aren't made for long term relationships. About 20 yrs ago, I met a guy who had been divorced five times. Every marriage had lasted exactly 18 months, LOL! That was just the way he was. Once he got used to a person a little, the rush of sexual interest died off, and he was ready for someone new. By the time I met him, he had very, very few takers. Women seemed to sense that he just couldn't maintain an interest in one person.

Some people simply have a pattern of leaving relationships. If that translates to 'once a cheater, always a cheater', then I guess the saying is right.

For them, though, I'm not really sure it's 'cheating'. Because they simply are not IN the relationship. You can't really cheat on something you don't really have.

Many people have the same problems over and over in relationships. Is it always the partner's fault?

No. Not completely. In most failures, it takes two to tango. But is the 'cheater' always the problem?

I have a friend who just doesn't communicate. Every girlfriend he has tends to drift away and get interested in someone else. They just get sick of him. They just don't feel any love or interest coming across. He's just not demonstrative. He has very little interest in anything. He's retired (retired at 48), and he does little more than watch TV, eat, and do errands and chores. He has very little interest in anything, to be honest, and he never shows affection. He is constantly puzzled as to why women keep drifting away from him. I think that we need to be careful if we see relationship after relationship failing because 'my partner cheated on me'.

Sometimes 'cheating' isn't really cheating so much as our partner just isn't getting from us what he or she really needs or wants. I don't mean a person needs to be a sex slave or do everything exactly as the partner demands, I don't mean that at all. I don't mean a woman has to lie down and have sex every 10 minutes to keep a man...I mean that normal, healthy people have a need for feeling loved, and having a rapport with someone, and feeling a warmth and a sense that they are needed and cared about. If they are constantly disappointed, if they are constantly not getting what they need to be healthy and happy, they may eventually go to someone else.

If it's a choice, it's a choice a hell of a lot of people are making! Studies suggest a high proportion of married people cheat.

Cheating is very common. Today, a great many marriages end in divorce, and in many cases, one or both marriage partners have already found a 'go to person'. They may not stay with that person, that may be a 'transition person', but a high percentage of people leave a marriage with someone else to go to.

Cheating is also common in relationships that don't involve marriage.

Fortunately, with those, it's at least somewhat easier to get out of a relationship that doesn't involve a legal contract, joint ownership of property, and a LAWYER.

The point I differ from many others on is that I am really not convinced that there is MORE cheating today. It's easier and commoner to get divorced, but I've never gotten the impression that cheating is something NEW!

Some people will 'forgive' the cheater. Some will not.

In our culture, women are more pressured to forgive, and men are more pressured to be angry, indignant and not forgive. It's a weird, weird world we live in.
Joined: 12/31/2009
Msg: 53
Ever heard the saying....
Posted: 6/12/2012 3:20:04 AM
I think cheating is wrong and is never justified, but life or relationships are not guaranteed. If I was dating someone else and I wanted to be with another man I would break up with the one I was seeing, I wouldnt cheat behind his back. To me all is fair game if your not married, just because we are dating someone doesnt mean we own that person that person can find someone else who they want to be with more and vice versa. Just be honest and say I want to be with someone else so that person can find someone else too.
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